


See you again

by Sophie4628



Category: Elite (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-05
Updated: 2020-10-12
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:33:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 39
Words: 102,985
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25094656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sophie4628/pseuds/Sophie4628
Summary: “Do you think I’m evil?” she asked, her words no more than a whisper. Samuel’s heart dropped at her question, and while her body began to tremble in his arms, he answered honestly: “No, of course I don’t think that you’re evil”.Carla pressed her head into his chest as she began to sob quietly. Her sudden mood swings confused Samuel, but he knew they were most likely caused by the drugs she’d consumed. And as much as he hated the fact that Carla was so high right now, he also saw something positive from it. Whether it was because her feelings got so intense that she couldn’t hold them in any longer, or she was only now brave enough to speak out loud what concerned her, but she finally opened up to him. And the topic she now brought up wasn’t entirely new to him. He knew that she felt guilty for the things that had happened. For the deaths of Marina and Polo, for Christian’s accident. And while it couldn’t be argued that she somehow was involved in all this, one thing was safe to say: she never wanted to hurt anybody on purpose. Her miserable state was the biggest proof for that.- set ten months after their graduation (season 3) -
Relationships: Carla Rosón Caleruega/Samuel García Domínguez
Comments: 162
Kudos: 251





	1. 15.000 meters

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> this is my first fanfiction, I hope you'll like it. I'm quite nervous about posting it here if I'm honest. Since English isn't my mother language, it's likely that there'll be a few errors, sorry about that! If you find any systematic errors, feel free to inform me about it so I can improve my writing.
> 
> Have fun reading & leave some feedback if you like! :)

Oh you upper class daughters, and working class sons  
It’s hard to save a dollar, the way the world runs  
You’re the target market of a corporate joke  
It won’t be so ironic when your daddy is broke

Surprise surprise – Billy Talent

Saturday, 3rd April, 2:10 pm

Samuel still felt a little uncomfortable as he sat in his plane seat and looked out of the window. He never liked it when other people offered to borrow him money, even - or especially - when they were his friends. He always felt like he accepted charity, which was against his independent nature.

But the problem in being friends with rich kids was, that he wouldn’t be able to keep up with their activities if they didn’t support him financially from time to time. Most times it was for the entry of a new fancy club that just opened (“40 € for shitty music, a sticky floor and people blocking the toilet stalls snorting cocaine inside? No thanks, I’ll stay home.” – In the end, Samuel of course didn’t stay at home and worse, he had to admit that the club wasn’t as bad as he thought) or for the drinks inside those clubs that of course were double-digit, or for birthday presents that con-tained designer clothes and once, a limousine ride (maybe Rebe was a little over the top when she planned that for Anders birthday, but at least Omar had the time of his life sipping champagne und eating strawberries while riding through Madrid on his boyfriends birthday).

This time it was far more money he was convinced into accepting. Samuel looked over to his friend on the right, sleeping peacefully, maybe a little too deep for the fact that it was just about 30 minutes since they’d been up in the air. It was then that he realized Guzman’s argument – “Come on Samu, I have a terrible fear of flying, I know it`ll be better with you by my side” – probably was a lie to persuade him to accompany Guzman on his trip.

In reality, it was Samuel who felt his stomach knot when they stepped into the airplane. It was his first time flying and as excited as he was to finally explore the world from 15.000 meters above, he still had images in mind full of screaming people, flickering lights and oxygen masks falling down from the airplane ceiling. It probably was because of that one time Nano had made him watch Final Destination when he was a kid and far too young to watch these kind of movies.

The thought of his brother made him smile. Since Nano lived in Morocco, he seemed to get his life together. Though Samuel missed him terribly (the last time they saw each other was for Christmas, roughly four months ago), he was happy for him. He managed to find a decent job and an even more de-cent girlfriend and seemed genuinely content. Samuel really hoped that this would never change again and Nano would finally be on the right track, even when it meant that they got to see each other only one or two times a year.

“Are we still not there yet?” Samuel turned his head again, this time he found Guzman awake, or at least in a state that was somewhere between being awake and asleep. The blonde boy squeezed his eyes at him and tried to suppress a yawn.

“You look like you slept for two days straight, don’t tell me I’m the only one excited”, Samuel answered with an amused look, “it was your idea to go to London and now you’re acting like my grandfather.”

Guzman chuckled at Samuels teasing tone. “Easy there, I just want to be fit for tonight. We won’t get much sleep. Luke is a real party animal.”

Now it was Samuel’s time to smile. He was very grateful to have Guzman as a friend. In the last few months they’ve built a really close friendship. They went to the gym together, watched movies in the cinema or just went out to eat. Though the others, speaking of Rebeca, Ander and Omar, were often with them, many times it were just Guzman and Samuel hanging out.

“Thank you, Guzman. Really. I didn’t imagine myself sitting in a plane before my thirties if I’m honest” Samuel said to him.

“If you thank me for paying this trip one more time I’m going to throw you out of this plane” Guzman answered slightly annoyed, but with a smile, “and what do you mean, by your thirties? Sometimes you really are a drama queen. In a few years you’ll earn so much money locking assholes up in jail that you won’t know how to spend it.”

Samuel slightly shrugged. “I don’t know, first I have to get my lawyers degree, which apparently isn’t easy, and then I want to save money for a few years. Until then I’ll be thirty I guess. And it isn’t even safe that I’ll become a lawyer.”

“Don’t tell me you think that you wouldn’t make it at university. Did you look at your grades? You know, you’re the person everyone hates because of worrying all the time and then having the best grade in the test afterwards.”

“That was one time!” Samuel laughed.

Guzman was right, sometimes Samuel was annoyed by his worried nature himself. With that thought, Samuel promised himself to enjoy the five days they’d have in London, without thinking - or worrying - about the future or the upcoming finals.


	2. Effort and Cost

Kinda funny how the money can't replace the love  
So numb, I don't feel it inside me  
So dumb, I believed you really liked me  
'Cause of you, now my heart is so icy

Icy – Kim Petras

Saturday, 3rd April, 2:31 pm

As Carla spotted the house she now lived in, she began to count the steps until she reached the front door. The bag with groceries cut into the flesh of her shoulder, which was already tense because she sat at her desk so much.

Since she lived on her own, she really understood how people could get stressed out at daily life situations so easily. She remembered how on her first trip to the supermarket she nearly had a mental breakdown because she couldn’t find any of the items she had on her shopping list.

Back in Madrid she never had to worry about the fridge being empty, because their maid was always perfectly organized. That woman was able to prepare a tasty meal at nearly any day- or nighttime. It was only now that Carla realized how much effort it required to prepare at least three decent meals a day, leaving her behind with a bad conscience for not appreciating their maid enough back then.

She began fumbling around in her bag, trying to reach her keys which of course had slipped to the very ground. She groaned in annoyance, the fact that with every passing second big raindrops fell on her head didn’t make it any better.

She always thought that it was a stupid stereotype that it often rained in England, but the weather here really was different. As much as she hated the weather right now, she loved it when she could stay inside all day without feeling the need to go outside because the sun was shining. In Spain she could hardly stay inside when she saw the blue sky outside, even if she wanted to just lay in bed and read. Because of that the rainy Sundays here were her favorite thing about England, allowing her to get comfortable in her sheets all day with liters of tea and a good novel.

After she finally managed to get the keys and open the door, she was greeted by the concierge who guarded the insides of the building.

“A wonderful good morning, Miss Rosón” the elderly man said friendly.

Though Carla wasn’t in the best mood right now, she forced a smile and greeted him back. She always tried to be friendly to the personnel because she knew they were just doing their jobs, even though sometimes she just wanted to be left alone and not talk to anyone.

But the man that stood behind the desk had a special place in her heart, she found him very cute in a grandfather-kind-of-way. When she moved in, he told her that his wife had died two years ago and he couldn’t stand being home alone all day, so he began working again to get outside for at least a few hours per week.

The good thing about him was, that he had lived in London all his life and therefore was a walking encyclopedia when it came to the city. So, whenever Carla had a question, she’d just ask him rather than the Internet, and then they’d continue with a bit of small talk. The happiness in his face after their little chats always made her happy too, knowing she was probably one of the few people that he talked to in his life.

“Fuck, the tomatoes…” Carla muttered to herself when she realized that she forgot to buy the named vegetable. Even though she lived alone in her apartment for nearly 10 months now, it only had happened once or twice that she had managed to buy everything on her list without forgetting something. She was distracted too easily by the infinite amount of products in the shelfs, silently screaming at her to buy them. At some point she even thought that writing shopping lists didn’t seem to have much sense for her when apparently she was too dumb to follow them.

  
Sometimes Carla really thought that she wasn’t capable of living on her own. Not only speaking of her supermarket failures, but of multiple other things she discovered in the last couple of months.

Like, why did vacuum cleaning give her back pain? Or why did her nails break after doing the dishes? (Of course, she had a dishwasher, but some things just didn’t belong in there, her expensive wine glasses for example). Not forgetting the problem she hated the most: How was it possible that there was so much dust everywhere even when she was barely at home?

Carla liked it clean and neat, and because of that she had the urge to clean nearly every day, which she of course not did. Sometimes she wondered how high the changes were that she developed some kind of cleaning addiction, thinking that it was probably healthier than the other addiction she had developed – or more specifically – resumed.

When the weekend got closer after a stressful week of going to university and sometimes continuing her studies at the desk in the evenings, Carla wanted nothing more than to have some kind of distraction. She wanted to forget about the upcoming deadlines, the meaningless conversations she had with her new so called friends, the aching feeling of emptiness in her chest that was caused by god knows what.

No, that wasn’t exactly correct. God didn’t know about the origin of her pain, but Carla did. Of course, Carla knew that something was wrong with her. And she knew fairly accurate what was wrong with her. And it weren’t her emotions that caused the problem, it was the lack of them.

When she woke up in the morning, there was nothing. Just a vast emptiness in her chest. Sometimes she almost felt robotic when she forced herself to get out of bed, to take a shower, to get ready, to leave the house. Though there were some rare moments where she felt something for real, the feelings that came to life in these moments were never pleasurable.

At some point, Carla decided to do something about her miserable situation. She just wanted to feel good again, to enjoy life, to laugh out loud. The problem with Carla was, that amongst the lack of feelings, there was lack of another thing, and that thing was selflove. Because, how could she love herself after everything she did? How could anyone else love her after that?

She was raised into believing that love came with a price, it was never unconditional. It was simple mathematics: You had to achieve something or at least made it look so on the outside, and then you got the desired and rare good that was called love. But when you failed at that, you were left with nothing but yourself and your failures.

And while the little amount of love she felt for herself was being completely destroyed by the terrible things that had happened during the last three years, her hate towards herself grew wider.

So, when she felt the need to do something about her current situation, she didn’t feel like she deserved serious help. It was her own fault she felt this way, playing a big part in almost every horrendous thing that had happened at Las Encinas. People like her didn’t deserve someone to take care of them, her terrible state was just being a justified punishment for her actions.

And with that thought, it never came to Carla’s mind that she could occupy a psychotherapist or go to a support group to get better. Instead, she remembered one thing that would definitely make her happy again and that without much effort, even if it destroyed her body as well as her psyche. But love always came with a price, and so did happiness.


	3. Guest List

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo, since I'm not from Spain I'm not familiar with the educational system there, and I don't really know how important grades are to get accepted at a public university. In the country I'm living in you have to achieve certain grades to get accepted at university, so I just kinda went with this condition in my fic to make Samuel's stress level a little more plausible. I hope you don't mind, even if I got it wrong...
> 
> Also I'll try to put some lyrics at the beginning of each chapter, they (or more specifically the songs behind them) always help me to find the kind of atmosphere that I'm looking for while writing. Some of the lyrics may not fit perfectly to the chapters itself, but are pretty suitable to the whole Samuel-Carla-situation/relationship. So I'm sorry if you find them confusing, let's just say don't overinterpret them :D I just thought you'd maybe like them and since I have them in my fic anyway I wanted to share them in case you want to spice up your spotify playlists haha
> 
> Okay, enough talking at this point, have fun reading :)

I thought I had it all together  
But I was led astray  
The day you walked away  
You were the clock  
That was ticking to my heart  
Changed my state of mind  
But love’s so hard to find

Baby I’m Yours – Breakbot

_Saturday, 3 rd April, 7:21 pm_

After arriving at the hotel and unpacking some of their stuff, Samuel and Guzman decided to go to the hotel bar and get a few warm-up drinks. It was around 7.20 in the evening now and they still had some time until the party started.

The party they were invited to was hosted by Luke, Guzman’s friend. Luke went to Las Encinas for an exchange year when he was fifteen and became close friends with Guzman. After he went back to his hometown London, the two boys stayed in contact and visited each other from time to time. This year it was Guzman’s turn to visit Luke, and since he thought that Samuel could use some vacation, too, he decided to bring him along.

Guzman had noticed that Samuel was rather stressed in the last few weeks since he was still working as a waiter and put himself under a lot of pressure because of the upcoming finals. He needed good grades, so he would be accepted at university to get his lawyers degree.

Guzman was more relaxed when it came to that, even if his grades weren’t the best, he’d still get accepted at the private university he wanted to visit. As everything else in this world, education was buyable.

“Two beers, please” Samuel ordered for them as they sat down on the bar stools.

“I’m really motivated for tonight, I can’t remember the last time I went to a party” Samuel said in a happy tone.

That was right, speaking of the last weeks that were rather stressful, he didn't have much time to party. And since Samuel was Guzman’s favorite party buddy, without him Guzman hasn’t attended many parties, too.

He never would have thought that Samuel could be so much fun since he was rather reserved most of the time, but after a few drinks, he began to loosen up and then he could be really entertaining. He was pretty charismatic and a good storyteller, always knowing which words to choose to make people around him pay attention and listen to him. And normally, after his talking phase and a few more drinks, he’d start to dance, too. That was usually the point were the most fun began.

“Samuel, smile!” Guzman instructed him.

“Why are you taking pictures of me?” The brunette boy asked laughing, trying to cover up his face with his hands halfheartedly.

“Just so we have some memories of our vacation. And for your Tinder profile, of course”

“Oh come on Guzman, leave me alone with that” Samuel groaned, “I don’t have a Tinder profile and I’m not going to get one” 

“Don’t be so bourgeois. It’s not that bad. I’ve heard about some people there actually getting into serious relationships. It’s not just about fucking if that’s what deters you” Guzman explained. He thought that after all the girl trouble that his friend had in the past, he deserved to find someone he could develop a serious, peaceful relationship with. And some sex wouldn’t hurt him, too. Maybe he’d be a bit more relaxed then.

Besides that, Guzman was seeing a girl now, and it was starting to get serious. He didn’t want Samuel to feel alone when he got into a relationship, and besides that they could go on double dates when he had a girlfriend, too.

But Samuel wasn’t very thrilled by this idea. “No, I simply don’t have time for this right now. I want to concentrate on my education. Maybe I’ll meet someone at University” he tried to talk himself out of it.

“Whatever” Guzman answered in defense, taking a sip of his beer. After all, it was Samuel’s decision if he wanted to date someone, and he couldn’t force him to.

But then Guzman had a new idea, or maybe he just wanted to mock Samuel a little bit more.

“Hey, maybe there’ll be some hot girls at the party tonight that I could pair you off with” Guzman grinned at Samuel, opening the Whatsapp group on his phone so they could investigate the profile pictures of the people that were invited.

Samuel hadn’t looked at the group yet, because Luke invited them just about fifteen minutes ago (since he had invited Guzman verbally already months ago so he could plan his trip, he apparently forgot to add them to the group until now; Guzman said he could be a little chaotic at times).

Samuel now got a little curious and moved closer to Guzman, looking at his phone. The boy scrolled down the contacts slowly, except for Luke’s, he had none of the numbers saved. For that reason, there were quite a few contacts without a picture, which wasn’t too bad, meaning that they wouldn’t have to look at every one of the 76 people that were invited.

“No, nope, too much make up, has a boyfriend…” The two boys looked through the pictures, rating them superficially. They were nearly at the end of the contacts, already getting a little inattentive.

“Wait, go back” Samuel said.

By now, they didn’t make the effort to open every picture to see it on full screen, but Samuel protested as Guzman skipped a few contacts.

“Which one do you mean?” Guzman held out the phone for him.

“Is that…?” Samuel asked, trailing off as he tapped onto the phone screen to open the picture of the unknown number. As the picture got bigger, the two boys were confronted with a familiar pretty (for Samuel it was the prettiest of all) face.

“What.the.fuck.” Guzman said as he looked at the picture that showed a slightly smiling Carla.

“I swear I didn’t know she was coming” Guzman began talking.

“Did you set this up?” Samuel asked in slight anger, ignoring his friends former statement.

“No, of course not! Why would I want you to see that one girl again that fucked you up so badly? And you know I’m not the biggest fan of her after everything that has happened!”

That was true. Although Guzman had somewhat forgiven her because he thought it was time to move on, he still held a small grudge against her. And he thought that it was better to stay away from her for all of them, but especially for Samuel.

He was very conscious about the fact that his friend was way too goodhearted and had a slight (or not so slight) helper complex, which led to him easily being exploited by other people. And he didn’t like the effect the mysterious blonde had on him. Guzman remembered how he once talked to Rebeca about this, who thought the same, and therefore just confirmed his opinion.

Samuel believed Guzman. He wasn’t the kind of guy to lie or plan things behind other people’s backs, and his surprised reaction was authentic.

“Guzman, I really don’t know if I still want to go to that party, knowing that she’ll be there” Samuel said, raking his hand through his hair nervously.

That was only partly true. In the last months, he had been dying to meet her again. He had looked through her Instagram account so many times it actually got creepy, worshipping every digital trace Carla left there in form of likes, stories or pictures (which were rather rare). And now he at least knew that she apparently got a new number and didn’t delete his contact (he perfectly remembers the day he saw that her contact picture in Whatsapp had changed to the grey standard picture, and he remembers that he felt somewhat rejected, even if it was dumb).

Guzman’s first instinct was the same as Samuel’s, which meant not going to the party. Not because he couldn’t stand meeting Carla, but because he didn’t want for things to start all over again. And with _things_ he meant the complicated relationship between Samuel and Carla, which consisted of endless manipulation, lies, fights, and, what was obviously the worst, love.

For Guzman it was a mystery how these two could still even like each other after everything that had happened. It was absolute madness. And for Samuel, it was self-destruction, too. But on the other hand, not going to the party would be a very dumb thing to do. Mostly because the invitation to Luke’s 19th birthday party was the main reason they flew to London. They couldn’t back down now.

“Not going would only show how much power she still has over you - over us” Guzman spoke, seeking for an expression of understanding in his friend’s eyes. “You can’t run away from her for the rest of your life, or else you’ll never be able to let go. Sometimes confrontation is the best solution. And besides that, we don’t know if she’s actually coming. She hasn’t written anything inside the group yet.”

Samuel sighed, apparently not noticing how dumb Guzman’s last argument was, because they had just been invited and it was not unlikely that she had already confirmed her attendance before.

“You’re probably right. It’s just that I - I didn’t expect this to happen, you know. I was aware that she goes to the same university as Luke and that she lives in London. I actually thought about that quite a lot since we’ve booked the trip” Samuel felt slightly embarrassed at that, he didn’t want his friend to know how much he still cared about her (which was rather dumb since exactly that’s what friends are for, aren’t they?).

“But I mean how high were the chances to meet her here? That she is going to the same fucking party tonight? It’s London, she could be anywhere” Samuel shook his head slightly. “I definitely need a stronger drink now” he said, holding up his beer bottle.


	4. Getting ready

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there :) As you may have noticed by now, I'm putting date and time at the beginning of each chapter. The reason for that is that the chapters aren't always chronological since I'm telling two storylines that happen simulatenously and I just try to keep it balanced between the Samuel-Guzman-storyline and the Carla storyline. I hope it's not too confusing (and I don't know if it's a bad writing style, I just want to make the story as exciting as possible). 
> 
> Have fun reading :)

Pick up daddies at the playground  
How I spend my day time  
Loosen up their frown, make 'em feel alive  
Oh, make it fast and greasy  
I'm numb and way too easy

You're gone and I gotta stay  
High all the time  
To keep you off my mind

_Habits – Tove Lo_

_Saturday, 3rd April, 6:57 pm_

When the burning in her lungs got so intense that she felt like she was about to explode, Carla decided to get back to the water surface.

She gasped for breath as she grabbed the edges of her bathtub, holding to them so tightly her knuckles turned white. As the dizziness in her head decreased, Carla took the glass of white wine that stood next to her, slowly taking a large sip.

While she held the wine in her mouth a little longer, letting it unfold it’s sweet and sour flavor, she was disturbed by the jingling sound of her phone. She furrowed her brows in annoyance and put the glass back so she could take her phone from the little table next to her bathtub, making the flames of the candles on top of it flicker.

It was that damn Whatsapp group again. Since she was added to it a few days ago, she had been annoyed by the constant messages that were sent into it.

“Can I bring a few friends?”

“Will it be hard to find a parking spot?”

“Will there be good gin? I always get headaches from the cheap ones”.

 _I don’t know Joshua, maybe just bring the fucking gin yourself if it’s so important to you,_ Carla thought as she saw the latest message, the one that destroyed her peace seconds ago. She set the group on silent and put her phone away. 

Carla didn’t care about the gin, she cared more about if there’d be someone selling good Molly.

 _Maybe I should ask in the group_ \- she chuckled at her thought.

Even though the rich kids from her private university (just like the rich kids from her private school back then) were very liberal with drug use, no one would speak this openly about it.

Carla had only ten out of the 74 numbers saved in her phone, (six of them were her University friends and four of them were one-night-stands), but she knew that inbetween 74 rich kids there’d be at least one person that dealt, so she didn’t have to worry about not getting drugs tonight. Carla didn’t look at the group chat again, and since she put it on silent, she was totally unaware of the two contacts that were added just a few minutes after Joshua’s message.

Carla continued her bath, shaving her legs and all the other places that anybody could see tonight. She didn’t plan on sleeping on her own this night, she couldn’t bear waking up alone tomorrow.

For her, finding a man and seducing him was an easy game. Most times she didn’t even have to try. From the moment on that she walked into a party, turning all the heads around, she had five guys on every finger that were trying to get to her.

Carla never understood what was so special about her. Of course, she knew that she looked good, better than many other girls, and her expensive outfits further underlined her beauty.

But besides that, she wasn’t really convinced of herself. She always thought there were many girls that were funnier, more quick-witted or smarter than her, but guys that looked out for a fuck didn’t seem to be very interested in them. No, instead, they were interested in the quiet girl, the one that seemed disinterested by most of the conversations that were made, only now and then participating at the (mostly meaningless) party chats. 

Despite the many interested glances Carla noticed throughout the evening, only a very few directly spoke to her or tried to flirt with her when she stood next to her friends or sat on a barstool, watching the events of the party from a safe distance.

But when the drugs began to unfold their inflaming effect, they made Carla change her behavior. Now, she was talkative, began to laugh out loud and stormed onto the dance floor.

When she was sober, she hardly ever danced, always feeling ridiculous. But when she was high, she couldn’t get enough of swinging her body to the melodic rhythms, getting lost in the feeling and sensing that everything in the world seemed to be perfectly aligned, like it all made sense now.

That was when the guys that only watched her until then made their moves. When Carla was in a good mood (which she often was, given the fact that her serotonin and dopamin levels were exploding) she let them. She allowed them to touch her, to kiss her, and to take her home. 

After her bath, Carla went to her dressing room to pick out an outfit for the evening. She chose an asymmetrical shirt with fine silver stripes and a black leather skirt, combining it with a pair of heels that weren’t too high but still looked fancy. As she put on her lipstick, her phone began to ring.

“Hey sweetie, when will you be here? And will you bring some wine, please?”

It was Amy, one of her friends from university. In the background, she heard the other girls talk and giggle.

“Hi Amy, I think I’ll leave the house in about ten to fifteen minutes, which means that I’ll be there in less than half an hour. And I’ll bring some wine of course. Bye.”

 _Yeah, of course I’ll bring some of my luxurious wine brands only for you and the other girls to pour down their thirsty throats in less than ten minutes_. Carla hated to see how they gulped down the liquid she treasured so much, and even more she hated their comments on it.

“That one is really good, I think I can taste some vanilla and something like – like berries?”

 _No Chloe, I don’t think you taste something like berries, I think you just try to act like a fucking wine expert when in reality I could piss inside that bottle and you’d still taste something like berries! -_ _Oh wow, you really need to calm down_ , Carla thought, surprised at how aggressive the wine topic made her.

In reality, it wasn’t just about the wine. It was more about how shallow their friendship seemed to Carla.

Though they spent much time at university together, they were mostly occupied with learning when they met there. And on the weekends, they went to parties together, getting drunk or high or both. But despite that, there was not much more. They never went out to just eat dinner or have a talk over a cup of coffee, they not even went on collective shopping trips or attended a yoga class or did whatever things normal friends would be up to. It was always about partying, or more about not being forced to attend a party alone but in a group of girls, only for them to split after a few minutes because there were more interesting people to talk to, mostly consisting of good looking guys (who weren’t really interesting at all, only interesting in a sexual way). 

The good thing about that kind of friendship was that nobody asked questions. Neither Amy, nor Michelle or Chloe asked Carla how she was, if something was burdening her, or why she took drugs nearly every weekend that left her come to university utterly exhausted on most Mondays, sometimes dealing with the aftermath even on Tuesdays. Though nearly all of the girls weren’t reluctant to taking drugs while partying, Carla was by far the one who did it the most and took the highest doses. 

Deep down she knew about that. But whenever this thought came to her head, she repressed it as fast as she could, finding excuses to justify her consume. None of the other girls had to go through so much bullshit in their teenage years, none of them had to deal with hiding two murders, with one of the cases still open.

And besides that, a little Molly wasn’t that bad. There were drugs far worse, it’s not like she did heroine or something. And her general lifestyle wasn’t that bad, either. Carla always attached great importance to a healthy nutrition, so her meals mostly consisted of fresh and untreated ingredients like vegetables and fruits, low carbs and lean meat or fish. And she went to the gym at least three times per week, she loved the agony of pushing her body to the limit, letting out all her frustration as her muscles burned and sweat was dripping down from her reddened forehead.

So, having a little fun on the weekends should be allowed, shouldn’t it? On many weeks, it was the only fun she had. 


	5. Warm up

Wine glass woman  
Wore your Christian Dior  
But you shatter into pieces on the floor  
Wine glass woman  
See the fire in your eyes  
But your victory will be your own demise

_Wine glass woman – Mayer Hawthorne_

_Saturday, 3 rd April, 8:12 pm_

“Oh you’re finally here, sweetheart” Amy greeted Carla at her door, “Please come in, we’re dying of thirst.”

 _I_ _bet you are,_ Carla thought.

But then she reminded herself to be friendly towards the girls, in the end it wasn’t their fault she was pissed at anyone and anything at almost any time. 

“Sorry it took me so long, I just couldn’t choose what to wear” she answered as she followed Amy into the living room where the other girls sat at the table, laughing as Michelle showed Chloe something on her phone.

“But you made a good choice, you look so hot!” Amy exclaimed, eyeing her from head to toe.

“Do you want me to put the wine into the fridge?” she already took hold of the bag Carla brought.

“Yes, that’d be nice. I got two white wines and one red wine, that one doesn’t belong into the fridge because it needs to unfold it’s flavo-”

“Oh Carla come on, spare us with your technical jargon. We want to get drunk, not have a wine tasting” Amy said in a tone that implied friendliness and a hint of annoyance at the same time.

Carla crossed her arms over her chest as she saw her friend put all of the three wines into the fridge, even the red one. She walked over to the other two girls and took a seat at the table.

“Hey Carla, how are you?” Michelle asked, looking up from her phone for exactly three seconds before the display got at her attention again.

“I’m fine as always, and you?” - this lie wasn’t hard to come over Carla’s lips, she told it to everyone all the time.

“Yeah, I’m fine, too. And I’d be even finer when we finally got something to drink” Michelle said a little louder, looking at Amy who still stood in the kitchen that was integrated into the living room.

“She’s such a terrible host” Chloe joined the conversation, “She invited us over and only had _one_ bottle of champagne in her fridge. _One_! That’s the amount I drink for breakfast” she laughed at her brilliant joke.

“Well, maybe you’re terrible guests. You didn’t bring anything, did you?” Carla asked in a serious tone, pressing her lips together and moving her brows up.

“Wow, calm down, bitch. It’s not like you’re the welfare. Remember last time where you begged me to convince Tom to give you Molly? He thought you already had enough and-“

“Yeah, I remember. No further explanation needed” Carla lowered her gaze onto her hands that were lying on the table infront of her. She remembered that night (well, not all of it, but that specific part was still in her memories) and she felt ashamed at the thought of it. It wasn’t her proudest moment.

“Soo, look what master chef Amy has made for you” their friend said proudly as she put some appetizers onto the table.

“Wow, that looks great, thank you." Carla was really happy that her friend prepared something to eat, it’d be better for her to have at least something in her stomach when she wanted to survive the night.

“I think you need to reconsider your evaluation of Amy’s hospitality” the blonde looked over at Chloe, who already had a bite in her mouth. She only shrugged and looked at the food again, seemingly contemplating about what to eat next.

“And here we have the best wine in whole Spain, no, what am I saying, the best wine in whole Europe” Amy said widely grinning as she put one of the bottles onto the table, placing four wine glasses next to it.

\--

“Okay, that’s enough, if you don’t change your playlist I’ll do it myself” Michelle tried to grab Amy’s phone, annoyed of the trashy music her friend chose, “I’m not going to listen to one more song of Katy Perry!”

Carla had to laugh a little, maybe because her second glass of wine was showing it’s first effect, or maybe because she felt a little relieved that Michelle was now in charge of the music, Katy Perry wasn’t exactly Carla’s favorite musician. At least not anymore. She couldn’t deny that she didn’t sing Hot n cold at the top of her lungs when she was thirteen and still believed that singing was one of her talents.

But by now, she was more pleased with Michelle’s choice of music, which mostly consisted of electronic beats or remixes.

If Carla had to choose something, it’d probably be a Reggaeton playlist, because it was her favorite kind of music. It always reminded her of Madrid and the crazy party nights she had with her friends before everything went to shit. But she was pretty sure the other girls wouldn’t like the songs as much as her, so she adapted to their choices. It was also more comfortable for her because in this way she didn’t have to share such an intimate thing as her favorite music with them.

“No thanks, I don’t want another glass” Carla held her hand over her wine glass to prevent Chloe from refilling it.

“What? You only had two glasses. Do you have a fever?” Chloe, who already was a bit tipsy, put her flat hand against Carla’s forehead.

“No, I think Carla doesn’t want to get drunk tonight” Amy, who sat opposite her, spoke as she leaned forward onto the table and looked at Carla in a serious way, “I think she wants to get high” Amy now smirked knowingly.

Carla couldn’t deny that, her lips curling up in a way that made Amy know she was guessing right.

“Oh right, how could I forget that” Chloe said as she moved on to refill the glasses of Michelle and Amy.

Chloe was the only girl of their group who was very restricted when it came to drugs. She never tried any and was sure no fan of it when her friends did them. And Chloe was also the one Carla liked the least. She was not the smartest, and she was bold. A combination Carla didn’t appreciate. And on top of that, she was pretty boring, too. If she were at least funny like Amy or smart like Michelle, she could probably stand her a little more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for bashing Katy Perry! I don't have a problem with her, she was just the first musician that came to my mind when I thought of some pop songs I heard when I was younger. So if you are a fan of her please don't feel affronted..:D


	6. Arrival

You are a glass half empty  
Sipping my ocean dry  
Emotionally spent me  
Til none of our planets could align  
But I could stand you one more night

_Wasted – Tiesto, Matthew Koma_

_Saturday, 3 rd April, 10:56 pm_

“Sooo, should I call us a cab now?” Michelle asked, motivated to go the party, “I’d like to meet Luke before he’s completely drunk and at least will remember that we attended his party”, she further explained. The brunette was the closest with Luke because they already went to school together.

Carla remembered the day Michelle had introduced him to her at the very beginning of their first semester. They had been in the cafeteria at university, standing in line to get some pizza.

\--

“Luke, this is Carla. Carla, this is Luke. I know Luke since we’re- hmm I think since we’re ten years old or something.”

Luke nodded at this, staring at Carla.

“And Carla is the girl I have almost all of my courses with, the only cool girl I met until now” Michelle smiled at her, nudging her into the side, “and she is from Spain, though she doesn’t look like the typical Latina.”

Luke was still staring at her like he was intensely thinking about something. He was probably contemplating about if he should tell her that she reminded him of some girl that he met during his exchange year when he was fifteen.

Carla had recognized him at the first second, he hadn’t changed all too much, except that he had a short beard now. Carla, on the other hand, had changed pretty much since she was fifteen.

“I- I think I know you from somewhere” Luke finally stuttered, pointing at her with his index finger in a light motion.

The blonde girl chuckled at that, it amused her to watch him struggle.

“Maybe you two met at that freshmen party last week?” Michelle tried to solve the situation, alternately turning her head from Luke to Carla.

“Ohh god, how could I forget her” Luke said, slapping his forehead with his right hand in a mixture of shame and relief. “You’re the marquise, aren’t you?”

Carla’s lips broke into a smile, showing him that he was right.

“The what?” Michelle asked, now seeming to be even more confused.

“She’s the marquise, she went to the same school as I when I was in Spain as an exchange student. She was every boy’s wet dream back then” Luke now laughed.

Carla rolled her eyes in a funny way.

“Sorry, I only say it as it is” Luke said, nudging her slightly, “and I’m pretty sure that hasn’t changed until now.”

Now it was Carla’s time to nudge him, a little harder this time, given the fact that she was about two heads smaller than him.

“Wow, what a coincidence” Michelle said, finally grasping the situation, “the world is small sometimes, isn’t it?”

\--

“Okay girls, the cab is here!” Michelle shouted towards Amy and Chloe, who were in the bathroom to freshen their makeup.

“Maybe they’ll hurry up if we already go downstairs” Carla said, standing up and walking towards the door.

“You really want to get to that party, don’t you?” Michelle observed.

 _Yes, because in contrast to you, I’m still sober and I finally want to have some fun_ , Carla thought.

Since she only drank two glasses of wine and finished her last one roughly one and a half hour ago, the little effect the wine showed back then had decreased completely by now.

And on top of that, Carla had texted Tom and asked him if he had something good for her tonight.

As he answered with “Yeah, but I have no idea how long that’ll last. People here are crazy for M”, she was even more motivated to get going.

_Saturday, 3 rd April, 11:13 pm _

Samuel wasn’t prepared to see her tonight, he felt like there weren’t many things he could be less prepared for than meeting Carla again in a few minutes. Though Guzman tried his best to calm him down (which also consisted of drinking a fair amount of Gin Tonics at the hotel bar), he was still nervous.

What if she didn’t want to speak to him? Or ignored him? What if she had a boyfriend by her side? Oh god, what would Samuel say then?

 _Hi, I’m Samuel. I’m an old friend of Carla. Well, maybe a little more than that. I had sex with her to win her trust so she would tell me about a murder she was hiding. And then we somehow fell in love. But since Carla left the country we haven’t talked much. No, we haven’t talked at all, at least not since she congratulated me for my birthday last November, but after we sent each other a few messages she stopped responding, and now we’re meeting here again purely accidental, isn’t that funny? Oh my fucking god_.

“Earth to Samuel, are you still there? Man, you can’t be that drunk already, the night’s just begun” Samuel snapped back to reality, turning his head to Guzman who walked next to him and looked at him with an expectant expression.

“What? Sorry, I just-“

“I said that I’m really happy about seeing Luke again, and that I think you two will get along well. He’s really funny, you’ll like him” Guzman explained.

Samuel smiled at that, he felt somewhat honored to meet Guzman’s friend. “I hope he’ll like me too.”

“I have no worries with that, how can someone not like you” Guzman ruffled through Samuel’s hair.

“I don’t know, maybe ask the boy who bullied me when I was the new kid in school” he said in an amused tone.

“Shit Samuel, I was young and dumb, you know I didn’t-"

“Calm down, it was just a joke” the brown haired boy answered, still amused.

“Okay, Google Maps says we should be there in three minutes” Guzman looked at his phone, squinting his eyes at the bright light as they walked through the dark streets.

Samuel immediately stopped. “Three minutes? Oh fuck I can’t do that” he brought his hands up to his head, looking upwards as if he’d find the answer for all of his questions in the dark night sky.

“Oh Samu come on, I won’t leave your side when we meet her. I can even do the talking until you gather yourself after drooling over her-“

“Not funny” Samuel lightly nudged Guzman’s shoulder.

“What do I say to her? Hi, what’s up? No, that’s too casual. Maybe hi, how are you? I know she doesn’t like small talk, but in that situation it will be-“

“Just play it cool. Don’t act overly excited. She’ll probably act cool, too. You know her, you can feel honored if she even changes her facial expression after seeing you” Guzman tried to enlighten the mood as he slowly started walking again.

“Come on, she’s not that bad” Samuel followed his friend.

“That’s your opinion.”


	7. Ecstasy

And just give me some love  
'Cause I'm running out of that feeling  
Doctor, prescribe me that drug  
'Cause I need some more of your healing

_Turn me on – Riton, Oliver Heldens, Vula_

_Saturday, 3 rd April, 11:19 pm_

“Oh my god, there he is! Finally! My favorite Spaniard is back!” Luke exclaimed as he spotted Guzman in his hallway, “it’s so good to have you back, dude! This night’s gonna be crazy, I’ll tell you!”

The British boy was already pretty drunk, hugging Guzman tightly while swaying from one foot to the other.

“Happy birthday, Luke” Guzman said, patting his friend on the back.

Samuel stood next to them a little lost and, of course, a little nervous. As he looked around, he came to the conclusion that Luke, or more specifically Luke’s family, must’ve been as exorbitantly rich as his friends from Las Encinas were. Which was only logical, because otherwise he wouldn’t have been able to absolve an exchange year at the Spanish school.

The house in which the party took place was extremely modern and stood in one of London’s most expensive areas (Samuel had googled the address before as he was being a bit inquisitive about where exactly the party would take place); the ceilings inside were so high it almost looked like a loft, and there were very expensive looking statues in the hallway and big abstract paintings on the walls.

“And you must be the famous Samuel! I’ve heard so much about you.”

Before Samuel could answer, Luke had embraced him into a tight hug, too. He wondered what exactly Guzman had told Luke, and how detailed he was informed about everything that had happened at Las Encinas.

“Thanks for inviting me, or more specifically letting Guzman bring me along” Samuel answered as Luke let go of him, “and happy birthday to you”

“No problem. His friends are mine, too” Luke said, smiling widely, “man, I’m so happy the both of you are here! But I think I have to go greet some of the other guests. Have fun, make yourself at home. The bar is right there” he roughly pointed in a direction that led them deeper into the house, “and next to the bar is the dancefloor, you can’t oversee it.”

“Alright, thank you, we’ll drink a shot later. Or two” Guzman winked at Luke, who already walked towards some people that entered the house behind them.

“Michelle, there you are finally!” were the last words Samuel heard Luke say before his voice was swallowed up by the loud party noises.

Guzman and Samuel made their way through the many people that were already at the party. Since they were a bit late (because Samuel had needed extraordinary much time to finish his last Gin Tonic at the hotel bar), the place was pretty crowded.

The music that was playing through a high-tech-surround system and the installed lights that changed their color to match the bass line made it seem like they were in an actual night club, and the party guests were highly motivated, most of them already on the dancefloor.

“What do you want to drink?” Guzman asked his friend, nearly screaming into his ear so that he would understand him.

“I think I’ll stay with Gin Tonic” Samuel said back loudly, “and maybe one or two shots.”

Guzman nodded at that, submitting his order to the barkeepers.

The two guys behind the bar seemed to be professionals, Luke had probably booked them in order to prevent his guests from serving themselves the whole night.

“Thanks” Samuel said as Guzman shoved the first shot into his hand.

“To our first night in London” he held up the little glass.

“Salut” Samuel toasted with him before downing the shot, which apparently was Tequila.

Samuel shook his head at the burning sensation that was shooting down his throat. “Shit, I’ll need salt and lemons for the next one.”

The two boys decided to stay at the bar for a start so they could get accustomed to the new environment. The new location was quite a contrast to the rather quiet hotel bar they had stayed at before, and they weren’t in the mood to dance yet.

In the last twenty minutes, Samuel had nearly forgotten why he had been so nervous before. As he was processing all the new impressions that were hammered into his brain (which needed a little more time to adjust to everything thanks to the alcohol that was invading it), he nearly forgot that Carla would be there. Well, he couldn’t be 100 % sure that she would be, but the chances were pretty high. And if she didn’t plan on coming, Samuel was very sure, she’d have left the group chat already. She wasn’t the biggest smartphone addict, and she was easily annoyed by too many activities on her phone. So, with the little evidence he had, Samuel came to the conclusion that she _must_ be here tonight. Everything else was inacceptable.

By now, Samuel thought, he’d be very disappointed if he didn’t meet the pretty blonde, even if it meant pure stress for him. He’d rather have a heart attack than not look into her green eyes tonight, even if it were just for a minute.

“I’m going to take a piss, I’ll be right back” Guzman patted Samuel on the shoulder, walking away from him before his friend could say anything else.

The last thing Samuel wanted right now was to be alone, but on the other hand accompanying Guzman to the toilet wasn’t a real option. Even though Samuel was very far away from being a sexist, he thought that collective trips to the toilet were somehow still a girl thing. So, he had no choice than to stay at the bar and sip on his Gin Tonic.

 _Just look cool_ , he thought.

Since he had no other thing to do, he occupied himself with investigating his surroundings a little closer, or rather the people that were surrounding him. He felt his heart rate speed up every time he spotted a head of long blonde hair in the crowd, only to slow down again when the girl that turned around wasn’t Carla.

After ten minutes or so, Samuel started to get impatient.

Given the fact that there were around hundred people, maybe even more, at the party, it wasn’t unlikely that there was a queue at the toilet. Or that Guzman had met some other people he knew and was talking to them. He had told Samuel that on his previous visits to London, Luke had introduced him to most of his close friends. Therefore, Guzman was maybe talking to one of them.

As Samuel stared at his phone for the near hundredths time (only to put it away after a few seconds), he felt someone approaching him.

“Hey there. Are you all alone here?” a female voice asked. A little startled he looked up, only to find a pair of blue eyes staring at him.

“Hi, I’m Chloe” the girl introduced herself, holding out her hand for him.

“Samuel” he shook Chloe’s hand while smiling at her.

She was pretty, even if on the profile-picture-rating Guzman and him would have probably sorted her out for the too-much-make-up-reason.

“And I’m here with a friend, but he’s on the toilet right now.”

Chloe nodded at that. “You have an accent” she stated, “you’re not from here, are you?”

“No no, I’m from Spain. My friend brought me along, he is a friend of Luke. We’re staying in London for a couple of days” Samuel explained, leaning in to her so that she would hear him, “sorry if my English isn’t the best.”

“It’s fine, don’t worry” she assured him, “so you’re from Spain, that’s pretty hot. I never had something with a Spanish boy.”

Samuel didn’t know how to react to the offensive flirting, so he just laughed uncomfortably and took a sip from his drink.

“Oh, sorry if I offended you” the girl said, laying her hand on his chest “I didn’t want to sexualize you because of your origin” she laughed out loud.

 _She’s probably drunk_ , Samuel thought, _because if that’s her normal state-_ his thoughts were interrupted by another girl approaching them in an enthusiastic way, smiling widely.

“What’s uuuuup” the girl shouted, draping an arm over Chloe’s shoulders as she came to stand next to her, eyeing Samuel.

“Oh sorry, did I interrupt you with something?” the girl asked grinning.

“No, don’t worry. This is Samuel, he is from Spain” Chloe gestured between Samuel and her friend, “and this is Amy.”

“Spain, that’s pretty cool” the new girl spoke, “we have a friend who’s also from Spain”, she said while shaking Samuel’s hand in an exaggerated way.

“Speaking of her, where even is she?” Amy asked Chloe, who only shrugged.

“I don’t know, probably stuffing her mouth with Molly in a dark corner, if she isn’t screwing one of her toy boys in Luke’s bedroom yet” Chloe responded with an disgusted face, “I don’t care where she is, really.”

“Don’t be so mean, Chloe” Amy scolded her, taking out her phone, “I’m gonna voicemail her.”

If Samuel hadn’t been so drunk (during the waiting time he had finished his drinks way faster, lacking other things he could do), he would have maybe put one and one together and found out who exactly the two girls were talking about. But because of the Gin Tonic clouding his thoughts he just stood there, amused by the two girls and happy that he had some entertainment since Guzman was still nowhere to be seen.

_Sunday, 4 th April, 12.13 am_

“Hey bitch, where are you? Chloe and I are at the bar, and we’ve met a really handsome boy! And the best is, he is from Spain! You should come over and dance a round of Salsa with him or do whatever you Spanish people do all the time” Amy snorted at her joke, “no really, come over. We miss youuuu. And we want to dance!”

Carla laughed at the voicemail her friend just sent her.

Slowly but surely, she felt a mixture of relief and relaxation spread through her body. She had taken her first dose of Molly about forty minutes ago. Since then, she stood next to Tom, who was very popular among the party guests because he provided them with drugs.

Carla liked Tom, he didn’t ask many personal questions, but it was somehow still possible to have interesting conversations with him without drifting into a smalltalk-level. And Tom seemed to enjoy her company, too. He didn’t mind that she stood next to him while she waited for the drugs to unfold their effect, and the best thing about him was that he never tried to flirt with Carla.

“You’re the nicest guy I know, Tom” Carla said, hugging him from the side, “seriously, I always have such a good time when I’m with you.”

“I don’t want to offend you, but that’s probably caused by the drugs I give you” Tom answered, patting her back in a friendly way.

Now, all Carla felt was love. Love for Tom, love for herself, love for everyone around her. She was so happy she thought she might burst. She needed to tell it to everyone. If she had the possibility to do so, she’d grab a microphone and announce it to the whole crowd.

As she was leaning against Tom, she registered everything around her getting very intense. His smell, the warmth of his body, her blood pulsing through her veins. The music was getting louder, the lights were getting brighter, the bubblegum in her mouth was getting tastier.

“I’m so sorry Tom, but I really need to dance right now!” she said, looking up at him, “I would love to stay longer, but I can’t, I just can’t!”

Tom laughed softly, looking at her. “It’s okay Carla. Go dance. But don’t overdose, okay? You’ve had enough to get you going for at least five or six hours. And I won’t give you more tonight.”

Carla pouted, though right now she didn’t really care about what he was saying. For now, she had enough in her system to make her happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo, things are slowly getting interesting I would say. I'm sorry for the long foreplay, but I promise you that our two lovebirds will meet soon!


	8. Flight Instinct

Two hands they take me by surprise  
I'm gripping on to where I think I should arrive  
We lay so vacant in the dark  
Take me now so I can wake up, and drift away  
And I don't care how high you are  
Open your mind, inhale the dark

_High you are – What so not_

_Sunday, 4 th April, 12.33 am_

“So, are we gonna dance now or what?” Amy asked after she slammed her empty shot glass onto the bar, “I don’t think your friend is coming back” she said directed to Samuel.

They had been drinking shots for the last twenty minutes now and Samuel was more than happy to get away from the bar, even if it meant that he had to dance with two strangers now.

“Wait a minute, I’ll just text my friend” Samuel fiddled around in his jeans to get his phone.

 _I’m on the dancefloor_ , he simply sent Guzman.

Since the screen was a little blurry in front of his eyes, he didn’t have the patience to provide his friend with any further information.

“Let’s goo!” Chloe took Samuel’s hand and dragged him over to the dancefloor.

\--

Carla bumped into several people as she made her way to the dancefloor.

Normally, she would’ve been deadly annoyed, but now, she didn’t care.

“Sorry, I’m sorry. Sorry, I didn’t want to push you” she went through the crowd.

Carla didn’t like to dance in the middle of the room and she also didn’t like to dance at the edge of the crowd where anyone could see her, so she pushed through many people until she found a nice spot near a corner where no one would bother her and she wasn’t pushed around.

On her way she halfheartedly looked out for her friends, but they were nowhere to be seen. And as a new song began to play, a deep electronic melody coming out of the boxes, she let herself get carried away by the music.

_Sunday, 4 th April, 1.47 am_

“Hey beautiful” Carla opened her eyes in surprise as she heard someone talking to her.

She had been so lost in dancing that she totally forgot about her surroundings. Also, she had no clue about for how long she had been dancing, totally losing the track of time.

Carla didn’t say anything as she stared at the stranger in front of her, still moving her body to the music.

“Do you have a good evening?” the guy asked, getting closer to her.

Suddenly, Carla felt very hot. It was like her whole body was on fire. And she was extremely thirsty, too. She could drink a whole bathtub of water right now. She chuckled in an afflicted way at the image this thought created in her head, closing her eyes again and biting her lip with a strained look on her face.

“It’s alright if you don’t want to talk.”

She now felt his hands on her hips. She had the strong urge to get away from him. Somewhere deep inside her, a new emotion lashed out forcefully, replacing the happiness. It was fear.

At the same time, she felt so dizzy that she thought she’d fall to the ground if she tried to open her eyes and walk away. She concentrated on holding herself up on her feet with everything she had inside her, desperately thinking that if she just ignored the guy, he would surely go away again.

\--

As Samuel danced with Amy and Chloe (who still was very flirty), he suddenly felt his stomach cramping. His body was clearly protesting against the amount of alcohol he’d consumed. It wasn’t so bad that he thought he’d actually get sick, it was more of a warning sign from his body that he should probably get himself a glass of water and sit down for a few minutes. Since he had no nerve to explain that to the girls because they would probably tease him about it, he just excused himself to the toilet.

He still wondered where Guzman was, and he wondered even more where Carla was, or if she was there at all. He had looked around constantly as they danced. He’d even dragged the girls to the middle of the dancefloor so he had a good sight in all directions, but the blonde girl was nowhere to be seen.

 _Maybe she isn’t here after all_ , he thought sadly. Suddenly, he felt very discouraged.

\--

As he began to kiss her neck, her will to fight him flared up again, fueled by the unwanted body contact.

“Go away” Carla protested quietly, desperately trying to push the stranger off her, who still had his hands on her hips in a tight grasp.

She had a strong urge to cry now, she felt so helpless it was overwhelming. The proceeding dizziness in her head paralyzed her, made her unable to make any powerful motions in an attempt to get away from him. Additionally, her throat was so dry that she felt like she couldn’t make a sound, the protesting words leaving her mouth were not more than a whisper.

\--

Samuel pushed his way through the crowd. He decided to get to the edge of the dancefloor and just walk around it instead of marching straight through the wildly dancing people. Shortly before he reached one of the corners of the room, he stopped dead in his tracks.

There she was. Carla was here. Right before his eyes. Not more than a few meters away. Dancing in another man’s arms.

Wait. No. That wasn’t true. They weren’t dancing. He held on to her, kissing her neck forcefully, but she seemed to squirm uncomfortably in his grip. She had her eyes squeezed shut, her forehead was wrinkled with worry and the corners of her mouth were twitching as if she was about to cry.

\--

Suddenly, there was a forceful movement that yanked the guy away, leaving Carla to open her eyes widely in shock, stumbling back against the wall. If it weren’t for the wall, she would’ve fallen to the ground. She pressed her back and the insides of her hands against the cool beton, searching for stability. Her breath was ragged and her eyes were opened wide, the sudden change of situation leaving her startled.

She saw someone hitting the guy in the face with a massive punch that made him fall to the ground. The dizziness in her head forced her to close her eyes.

 _Breathe, just breathe,_ she told herself in an attempt to calm down.

After a few seconds, she felt two warm hands frame her face softly.

 _Oh no, not again_ , she panicked, yanking her eyes open.

But she wasn’t greeted with the piercing blue eyes of the stranger who just had harassed her. The eyes looking at her now were dark and brown, filled with worry.

“Carla, is everything okay? Are you okay?” Samuel asked her as calm as he could.

Was she hallucinating? Did Tom give her something else this time?

Samuel apparently noticed her confused expression because he spoke again. “Yes it’s me, Carla. I’m here. You’re not dreaming” he slightly smiled, stroking her cheeks with his thumbs so softly it was barely noticeable.

“Samuel?” was the only word Carla could squeeze out weakly before she let herself fall into his arms.

“What the fuck is wrong with you!” the stranger stood up enraged, touching his cheekbone that already began to swell.

If Samuel didn’t have to support Carla who held on to his shoulders apathetically, he’d be right back at the guy, throwing him some more punches. His heart was hammering in his chest wildly, the vein of his neck pulsing with rage as he answered.

“Didn’t you see she didn’t want this? That’s sexual abuse, you son of a bitch!”

The guy got closer to Samuel and Carla, his face fuming with anger.

“She didn’t want this?” he chuckled, “she’s fucking around every weekend, throwing herself at every guy she meets. And now she doesn’t want this? I doubt that” his tone was dangerously calm.

Carla looked at him confused, coming back to life because of all the anger she felt.

“What the fuck are you talking about? I don’t even know you” she protected herself.

“But I know you” the stranger spoke, smirking with superiority, “every guy in here does. Do you really think it wouldn’t get around that you fuck with everyone? Let them do everything they want with you? Have you never asked yourself what kind of impression people have from you?”

Samuel lost it at that. He let go of Carla who could stand on her on again and shoved the stranger into the corner harshly.

“That’s enough! Leave her alone or I’ll-“

“You’ll what?” The guy straightened his posture, he was way taller than Samuel.

“Just leave.” Samuel gritted his teeth.

He really didn’t want to start trouble at that party, and he was aware that a few people were already looking at them.

Additionally, he wanted to control his anger. He knew that when he began hitting the guy again, it wouldn’t be sure that he could stop himself before beating him into the hospital. He was still taking boxing lessons from Rebeca and he was getting better at it from week to week. The height difference between him and the stranger wouldn’t stop him from beating the shit out of him.

The guy began to back down slowly. Luckily, he also seemed to be not very interested to get into a fight.

He looked at Carla one last time, pointing at her with his finger. “It’s your own fault things like that happen” he screamed at her over Samuel’s shoulder who still stood in front of him, “you’re a fucking whore.”

With that, he disappeared into the crowd.

It took Samuel everything he had in him to not run after the guy. He closed his eyes for a second, clenching his jaw and curling his hands into fists. But then he thought of Carla, and he immediately forgot about his anger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought to myself: What will happen when Samuel and Carla meet again? And then I thought "Samuel is probably going to punch someone" :D So here we go again, Carla's back at her drug shit and Samuel is dealing with anger issues once more (although in this situation his actions are justifiable). Nevertheless it would've been nice if these two would have learned anything from the past, but I can tell you the change is about to come! :)


	9. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Over 500 Hits, wow I feel honored! :) I hope you like the story so far, feel free to leave feedback on what you think. The next chapter is going to be the longest so far, we still have to live through a bit of chaos before Samuel and Carla sort things out. So brace yourself for a loong night :D

I'm so encaptured, got me wrapped up in your touch  
Feel so enamored, hold me tight within your clutch  
How do you do it, you got me losing every breath  
What did you give me to make my heart beat out my chest?

_Latch – Disclosure_

_Sunday, 4 th April, 2:05 am _

Carla still stood near the wall, processing what had just happened.

She felt deeply ashamed at what the stranger had said.

She was always open towards her sexuality, she enjoyed trying new things and devoting herself to lust and passion. Though she was aware of the fact that she had many changing sexual partners in the last few months, it deeply disturbed her that in the 21st century other people would view her as a whore for living out her sexual needs. What was wrong with being intimate with other people, with showing each other physical affection? She didn’t do it to manipulate men anymore, the only purpose of sleeping with them was to satisfy her needs. And she had strong needs. But in the end, it wasn’t her fault that her body seemed to produce a proper amount of sexual hormones, was it? If anything, a fair amount of sexual desire seemed rather healthy to her.

Speaking of sexual desire, there was a far bigger question that had evolved in her head in the last few seconds: _What was Samuel doing here?_

She was still a little unsure if she was just hallucinating.

But right now, the shock repressed the effect of the drugs quite well and Samuel was still there, right before her eyes.

He turned around after watching the stranger disappear, walking over to where Carla was standing.

“I’m so sorry. What he said isn't true, okay?” he embraced Carla into a tight hug, whispering in her ear softly, “it’s your decision who you want to sleep with. You’re not a whore. Don’t ever think that, Carla. Please.”

Carla hugged him back, hiding her face in his neck and inhaling his sweet smell. It was so intense to her that she almost forgot to ask him her question, the mixture of his perfume and body scent combined with his warm embrace were distracting her so much she couldn’t grab a proper thought.

With that, she realized the drugs were doing their magic again. Fucking hell, they did.

Finally, she found the strength to speak. “What are you doing here?” she asked, now looking at him.

She wondered why he didn’t seem as surprised as her as they met.

“You surely know that Luke and Guzman are friends”

Carla nodded at this, she remembered that the two boys had developed a deep friendship while Luke was in Spain, though she didn’t know that they were still in contact.

“Well, Luke invited Guzman to the party and Guzman asked me if I wanted to come, too. And now I’m here” Samuel smiled, which formed a big smile on Carla’s face, too.

“It’s so weird” she then said rather quiet, breaking the eye contact.

“That you’re here with me?” Samuel asked her.

Their faces were so close he could feel her breath on his cheek, making him feel butterflies in his stomach, replacing the cramps he felt before.

Instead of answering, Carla nuzzled her face into his chest, enjoying the soft strokes of Samuel’s hand on her back.

“I really need to drink something” she said after they stood in their intimate embrace for a minute.

The dizziness in her head and her dry throat still bothered her and were clearly a consequence of dehydration. Carla was angry at herself for not drinking enough water. She was well aware of the fact that Molly caused her to sweat more and she had to drink more than usual when she was high. Dehydrating on drugs was a rookie mistake. A pretty dangerous one, on top of that.

“Sounds good” Samuel answered, letting go of her only to take her hand and lead her to the bar.

After they got themselves a glass of water (Carla had downed two glasses directly at the bar, making Samuel wonder why she was _so_ thirsty), they decided to get some fresh air.

The garden of Luke’s house of course had a pool, and there were fancy lights everywhere that created an enjoyable atmosphere. Since the deep bass coming from inside was muffled by the broad house walls, it was actually possible to have a proper conversation now.

But in the last few minutes, Carla had behaved a little weird. Samuel had tried to start a conversation with her a few times now, but she never properly answered because she got distracted by literally _everything_.

His question on how she was doing in London resulted in Carla going over to a torch that was positioned near the pool, warming her hands and staring at the flames as if she was hypnotized.

As he asked her if she missed Spain, she took off her shoes and dipped her feet into the water of the pool, squealing at how cold it was. Samuel held her by her arm to prevent her from falling in, making some of the people turn their heads around to look at them with amused expressions.

His last question, if everything was okay with her, was the only one that he got a proper verbal answer to, which was “Honestly, I couldn’t feel any better as I do right now.”

Samuel was surprised at how fast her mood had changed after she had been sexually harassed just around twenty minutes ago. It didn’t seem to bother her much, and Samuel asked himself if the reason for that could be that it wasn’t the first time something like this had happened. Maybe she was used to it. Maybe it was normal for her. His insides clenched at this thought, it was so painful to him that he had to distract himself in order to keep his rage at bay.

There were around twenty people outside, smoking and talking and laughing, and in one group, Samuel spotted Guzman. “There’s Guzman. Is it okay if we go over to him?” Samuel asked Carla.

“Guzmaaaan!” Carla walked to the blonde boy as soon as Samuel said that.

She hugged him tight, confusing Samuel even more. He knew that Guzman’s and Carla’s relationship was rather tense. Though Guzman promised Samuel to act normally around her if they met tonight, he had also emphasized that he would rather stay away from her when it was possible.

Guzman wasn’t thrilled by the idea of his best friend and Carla connecting again, but on the other hand he understood that Samuel was fascinated by her. It was some kind of aura that seemed to be around her. Even though Guzman couldn’t describe it any further and was definitely not drawn to it, he was aware that it existed.

And Guzman thought that Carla and Samuel could’ve been a very cute couple under normal circumstances. Their outer appearances harmonized so well they could be Barbie and Ken. But the circumstances were not normal. Carla wasn’t. She always seemed so controlled and reserved, but that was only one part of her. Deep inside, she had a wild side. Sometimes, she allowed it to get to life. And when she let herself go in those moments, things could get out of hand easily.

“Hey Carla, everything alright with you?” Guzman asked, hugging her back rather restrained.

He had stood next to Luke and a few friends of him for the last thirty minutes or so, talking and joking around. His trip to the toilet had taken a little longer because he met some of Luke’s friends in the toilet queue and got engaged into a conversation with them. When he came back to the bar with a bad conscience for letting Samuel wait for so long, his friend was already gone.

 _He must’ve met her_ , Guzman thought immediately. As he didn’t want to bother the two, he’d went to search Luke and his friends again and finally found them standing outside.

As he saw Samuel approaching the group behind Carla, Guzman registered that his friend had a weird expression. Weird for a party, to say at least. He looked stressed. Guzman internally rolled his eyes, understanding that Samuel was already under her influence again. And after looking at Carla, who was excitedly hugging Luke and his friends, Guzman knew that something was up with her.

He looked at Samuel, nodding his head slightly in her direction, silently asking him: _What’s going on with her?_

Samuel shrugged, approaching Guzman slowly. “Everything okay with you two?” the blonde boy whispered.

“She’s absolutely drunk. I found her getting harassed by some guy on the dancefloor” Samuel showed Guzman the chapped skin on the knuckles of his right hand, “thought some fresh air would be good for her.”

Guzman inhaled sharply. “That’s exactly the reason why I didn’t want you to have contact with her again. As soon as you meet her you get into trouble” he whispered angrily.

“What was I supposed to do? Let this guy rape her?” Samuel whisper-screamed back at him.

Deep down he knew Guzman was right in some way, but looking at the blonde girl happily talking to the others, giggling and laughing, he couldn’t care less right now.

 _She is no bad influence. And she certainly isn’t dangerous. She’s just Carla,_ Samuel thought. Well, at least that was what he’d like to believe.

“Fuck” Guzman answered, showing a bit of understanding, “but what do you plan on doing now? Babysitting her for the rest of the night?”

The two boys looked at her again. Right now, she was hugging a girl who stood next to Luke, giving her a big kiss on the cheek.

“I love you soo much, Michelle!” she exclaimed. The girl smiled, obviously a little embarrassed.

“Yeah, I like you too, Carla. Would you mind getting off me now?” she gently pushed her to the side.

“Looks like it” Samuel answered.

“Doesn’t she have any friends who could take care of her?” Guzman asked.

“I don’t know, when I found her she was alone” Samuel said, still observing her.

“Samuel!” a female voice exclaimed.

Before he could turn around, he felt two arms wrapping around him from behind.

“Didn’t you say you were going to the toilet?”

 _Oh no, not her again_ , Samuel thought.

“And didn’t you want to show me some of your _dance moves_?” the girl said play-seductively into his ear.

Guzman throwed Samuel a meaningful glance, getting a death glare back from his friend.

“Sorry, I needed some fresh air” Samuel freed himself out of her hug carefully.

He shortly looked at her in an excusing way before turning his attention back to Carla again.

She was still talking to Luke and that girl Michelle, who apparently was a friend of hers. Her behavior somewhat reminded Samuel of a hyperactive child (after two liters of coca cola).

“I don’t know if I find it utterly embarrassing or just sad that some people can only have fun when they have a ton of chemicals pumping through their veins” Chloe, who came to stand next to Samuel, said with an aversive look.

“What?” the boy asked, a bad suspicion already creeping up on him.

“That girl over there” Chloe nodded her head at Carla, “she gets high every weekend to give her miserable life at least the tiniest bit of sense.”

Chloe didn’t make a secret out of the fact that she didn’t like Carla. And she would never tell anyone the reason for that, even if it was one of the simplest mechanisms in the existence of humankind: jealousy.

Carla was so pretty it was unfair, her slim figure made her look like a model (okay, she may be a little short for a classical runway model, but even that the guys liked about her, because it was _cute_ ), not to begin with the way she spoke. She didn’t talk much, but when she did, she always sounded so wise, so superior, it drove Chloe insane.

But there was one thing in which Carla underlaid Chloe, and that was her drug consume. So, the jealous girl decided to spread this information to anyone from whom she thought could be turned off by that fact, in the hope that it would make them turn their attention to her.

But that didn’t work with Samuel. Chloe registered that as soon as she saw the concerned look on his face.

“What did she take?” he asked, although he already knew the answer by now.

“That ecstasy shit. I think it’s called Molly, that stuff you suck off your fingers or put into a drink” Chloe said, a little resigned about her plan failing.

 _No no no, that couldn’t be. Fuck. Why was she back at this shit again after she nearly drowned one time because of it?_ He thought that experience was shocking enough for her to never even think about doing it again. Obviously, he was wrong.

As Guzman heard what the girl said to Samuel, he knew that the evening could only get more fucked up from now on. After meeting her just a few minutes ago, he was already fed up with Carla. But he also felt pity for her.

If he was honest, the last thing Guzman expected from himself was that he’d sympathize with her. But in some weird way, he did. Maybe it was because right now she looked so pure, so naive, with her bright smiles and goofy behavior, that he couldn’t be mad at her. She wasn’t threatening anymore. If anything, other people were threatening to her. He remembered what Samuel told him about her getting harassed, and now he felt angry at that guy, too.

Samuel didn’t know what to say to Chloe after that. And he didn’t know what to say to Carla, who approached him again in this very second. The dumb smile that was spread across her face the last minutes was completely faded now.

“Everything alright?” Samuel asked as she came to stand in front of him and Chloe.

Carla looked at Chloe’s hand that was wrapped around Samuel’s arm as if she was marking her territory.

 _Someone must be desperate_ , Carla thought, _how pathetic._

The boy noticed Carla’s icy glare and felt how Chloe gripped his arm even tighter.

 _Well, that’s uncomfortable_.

He tried to wiggle his arm out of her grip not too obvious when Guzman decided to help Samuel out of the miserable situation.

“Hey, do you want to dance? I haven’t danced all night” he suggested, looking at the trio.

And he didn’t do it only to help Samuel, it was also out of self-interest. Guzman liked to dance (after what felt like 57 Gin Tonics) and concerning the fact he didn’t know for how long the already crumbling peace would endure, he wanted to at least dance for half an hour or so.

“What a great idea!” Carla said excited, already grabbing Guzman and dragging him to the house.

Samuel followed with Chloe. He was thankful that Guzman had intervened, even though he wasn’t in the biggest mood to dance right now (especially with the girl that was clutched to his side _again_ ).

Carla was happy to be back on the dancefloor. Although she hadn’t forgotten what had happened the last time she was here, she couldn’t care less right now.

Thinking about the past, or the future, wasn’t exactly what she wanted to do when she was high. Because that was the purpose of her drug consume: To forget everything. To live in the moment, _just_ in the moment.

But there was one thing she couldn’t stop thinking about. It was the boy dancing opposite from her, the one her “friend” Chloe desperately tried to win over since they’d began dancing. Carla didn’t intervene, although it would’ve been an easy game for her. She knew she had him wrapped around her finger. If she would grab and kiss him, she was very sure, he wouldn’t fight back. But Carla liked to watch Chloe fail. So she just danced, acting unimpressed at the girl’s behavior.

The amusement of watching the failed flirt attempts wasn’t the only reason Carla stayed away from Samuel. No, the real reason why she restricted herself was that she didn’t want him to think the two of them still had a chance. It would’ve been unfair to get his hopes up, because Carla knew she couldn’t fulfill them. She wanted him to be safe and happy, and she was sure that this wouldn’t be possible for him as long as he was near her. Because whoever came too close to her ended up getting hurt or even worse. She experienced it too many times, and she’d learned her lesson. It was okay that she somehow needed to sacrifice her own happiness for his, because her life was already as fucked up as it could get, and his wasn’t. He still had the chance to be happy, and she wasn’t going to be the person who’d steal it from him.

As she looked at him again with this thought in her head, she wanted to cry. She wanted to cry because everything was just so unfair. He was so beautiful, so handsome. And he also seemed to be the only person who was really interested in her. He listened to her, and he was resistant to her manipulation and lies. He always saw right through her, an ability no other person seemed to have. And the best thing about him was that he cared for her, like actually _cared._ He was probably the only person who did.

The horrifying feeling of loneliness that came crushing down on Carla in that moment was so hard to bear she felt like she couldn’t breathe.

Samuel must’ve noticed her unhappy expression because he gifted her with one of his incomparable smiles. One of those shy smiles of his that showed sympathy, understanding and the slightest hint of worry. The one that said: _Is everything alright with you? If not, talk to me. I’m here._

Carla looked away as fast as she could, inhaling shakily. _God I can’t do this_ , she thought, already leaving the dancefloor.

“Hey! Where are you going?” Of course, he had followed her.

She was very sure he wouldn’t let her out of his eyes for rest of the night after what he had already witnessed.

_How can someone be so annoying?_

Carla never knew how to handle it when people cared for her. And pushing them away was the solution of her choice most of the time.

“To the toilet. If I’m allowed to” she spoke, looking at him with an intimidating stare.

“Yeah, sorry. I’ll just wait here” he positioned himself near a wall where he could be sure that he saw her when she got back from the toilet.

Carla just left him standing there, walking away with firm steps.

When she came back fifteen minutes later, her steps weren’t as firm anymore. Samuel immediately knew what that meant.

Before she could get back onto the dancefloor, he grabbed her arm, turning her around.

“Seriously, Carla? What the fuck do you think you’re doing?”

“Having fun” she answered, avoiding his gaze and smirking like a little child that just got caught doing something bad.

“I think you should go home now” he spoke, trying to stay calm, which wasn’t easy since it made him very upset to see her like this.

“Do you ever have fun in your life, Samuel?”

He closed his eyes, inhaling deeply.

“Do you even know how to spell that word? F-U-N?” she went on.

“Hey, Samu, are you still there?” she knocked onto his forehead carefully and began to laugh as he opened his eyes again.

At least she wasn’t as serious as before.

“What’s your address?” he changed the topic. Samuel tried to sound as casual as possible.

“48 Princes Gardens, why?”

Before Samuel could answer, Carla already knew what he had in mind.

“Oh no, you’re not getting me a cab! I don’t want to go home yet” she pouted, “I want to dance!” She tried to move towards the dancefloor again.

“Fine, but Guzman and I will be leaving soon.” Maybe he could convince her in this way.

“And where are you going then?” she asked, her attention focused on him again.

“To our hotel. It’s very cool. Do you want to see it?”

As Carla nodded with a wide smile, Samuel was surprised that this tactic had actually worked.

It was safe to say that Guzman wasn’t very thrilled of the idea that Samuel wanted to take Carla along back to their hotel, but as he saw how worried Samuel looked, he couldn’t resist his friend. And as he began to get pretty tired in the last couple of minutes, he was more than okay with leaving the party.

As Carla walked through the hallway between Samuel and Guzman, she cursed herself for taking the remaining Molly she had in her bra on the toilet twenty minutes ago. Originally it was supposed to make it easier for her to stay away from Samuel, but now she was walking next to him, holding his warm, strong hand, accompanying him to his hotel room.

 _Great, Carla, that’s exactly what you wanted to prevent under any circumstances,_ was the last proper thought she had on this evening.

After they left the house, she felt familiar feelings build up inside her. She felt warm and fuzzy, extremely relaxed but at the same time excited. And as these feelings took more and more control over her, she let herself drown in them. And because of that, everything that happened in the following couple of hours in the night of the 4th April should later be very blurry (or non-existent) in her memories.


	10. Insomnia

You're the dream but I can't find no sleep  
Lay awake without you holding me  
Hear you call a distant melody  
You know you keeping me up

 _Insomnia – Tiesto ft. Violet Skies_ (from Tiesto's album called “The London Sessions”, how fitting)

_Sunday, 4 th April, 3:54 am _

When they finally arrived at the doors of their hotel rooms, Samuel felt somewhat relieved. They had managed to get to their hotel in roughly thirty minutes, although according to Google Maps the way would have taken up only ten (which was originally the reason why they didn’t get a cab). But with Guzman and Samuel both still being pretty drunk and Carla being pretty high, stopping every few meters because she wanted “to watch the stars in peace”, they needed twenty minutes more.

“So, if you need anything just knock or call, I’ll leave my phone on noise” Guzman said with a slightly concerned face. At least Guzman’s and Samuel’s apartments were right next to each other, so Guzman would be there fast if Samuel really needed help babysitting Carla. 

Because the problem with Molly was, that, in contrast to alcohol, which made you feel tired, Molly made you feel brutally awake. So, when Guzman and Samuel were on their last energy, wanting nothing more than to go to bed and sleep, Carla wanted to “enjoy the night and partyyyyy!” as she exclaimed on the hotel corridor.

“Pssssshht” Guzman and Samuel simultaneously shushed her.

“People are trying to sleep here, Carla” Samuel scolded her.

“It’s not my fault that their boring asses want to sleep! They’re in a hotel, they can’t expect it to be quiet here! If they want quietness, they should all go home!” she raised her voice at the end of the sentence.

“I think we should go inside now” Samuel said looking at Guzman, ignoring Carla’s confused argumentation. Arguing with her really had no sense right now.

“Okay, good night to the both of you, and please try to fuck quietly, I really need some sleep” Guzman winked at Samuel, although he probably knew that Samuel wasn’t going to take advantage of Carla’s high state.

But while it was pretty clear for Samuel that their evening wouldn’t end up in having sex, Carla actually seemed to believe she had some sexy time in prospect.

“Don’t worry Guzman, if he gets too loud I’ll just sit on his face.”

Samuels eyes widened at her statement. Guzman just chuckled, shaking his head.

“What, you always liked that!” Carla said, looking at Samuel with furrowed brows, obviously feeling insulted by his lack of euphoria.

“Okay, that’s definitely too much information guys, I’m really going inside now” Guzman said, opening his door. While Samuel still fiddled with his key card, he heard Guzman’s door being closed.

As soon as Samuel opened the door to his room, Carla stormed inside, spreading her arms and spinning around.

“Wooow, I reaaaally like your room. It’s sooo nice.” She seemed honestly impressed, what confused Samuel. He was pretty sure Carla had been in hotel rooms that were much fancier than this one. Although their hotel had four stars and was really, really nice, their rooms weren’t that extraordinary. Not extraordinary enough to get Carla this excited – normally.

But the girl that stood infront of him, looking around with wide eyes, wasn’t the normal Carla. If it weren’t for her outer appearance, Samuel would have confused her for a whole different girl. And Samuel had to admit that in some weird way he liked this version of Carla. She was funny and seemed to be happy, and so full of life. But as he realized that her happiness and vitality were artificial, caused by the drugs in her system, he felt ashamed at his prior thought.

In the last few months, he imagined her in so many ways – studying hard, exploring her new hometown, finding comfort in another man’s arms – but he never imagined her like this, drugged until the roots of her hair.

And then he thought about the last time he saw her like this. That was when he realized that there could only be one reason why she began taking drugs again – she must’ve been deeply and devastatingly unhappy.

Samuel felt his chest clench at this thought, he always believed she left Spain for the better. The possibility that she didn’t feel better but worse after leaving the country never came to his mind.

As Carla was exploring his hotel room, Samuel began taking his jacket and shoes off.

“Do you want something to drink or to eat? There are drinks and snacks in the minibar” he offered her as he walked across the room to get himself a bottle of water.

“I love your bathtub, it’s so big and I think it even has whirlpool pumps!” Carla cheered coming out of his bathroom, ignoring Samuels question.

“Really? I didn’t have the time to look at everything closely yet if I’m honest” he answered after taking a big gulp out of his water bottle.

“Want some?” Samuel questioned again, holding out the water bottle for her. Though he didn’t really know how to take care of a person tripping on Molly, he thought that Carla could use some liquid. Maybe it would make her sober up.

But Carla obviously had other things in mind. “Is there something else than water?” she asked looking at his bottle skeptically.

“Of course, there’s coca cola, fanta, sprite, apple jui-“

“Stop being boring, is there something that contains even an ounce of alcohol? If not, I’m calling the room service now.” Carla began moving towards the telephone that was placed on top of the commode next to the tv.

“Stop, are you crazy? It’s four in the morning, I’m sure there is no room service right now.” Samuel said while hurrying to stand in front of the telephone, blocking it from her reach. Carla crossed her arms and squinted her eyes at him. The challenging look in her face made Samuel realize that this night would be much more exhausting than he first expected. 

Instead of arguing with her, Samuel tried to find a compromise.

“I think there’s beer in the fridge, let me take a look” he said, already moving across the room. He knew that Molly and alcohol probably weren’t the best combination, but beer didn’t contain that much alcohol, and maybe Carla would be satisfied with just one bottle, only wanting to get her will rather than really getting drunk. And in the best case, the beer would even make her tired.

But of course, Carla didn’t fall for his trick. “Beer, really? Samuel, do you even know me? Have you ever seen me drink beer?” she started ranting. “You can’t be serious!”

Carla stomped across the room to where Samuel was kneeling infront of the minibar. “I have to do everything myself here, have I?” she knelt beside him, pushing him to the side.

While Carla studied the insides of the fridge, Samuel looked at her profile from the side. The cold, electric light illuminated all of her delicate features. She really was the most beautiful girl he ever had seen. He was so mesmerized by her beauty that just for a second, he forgot the mission he was on, which consisted of preventing Carla from seeing the hard liquor that was placed in the fridge. When his mind came back to reality, it was already too late.

“Ahh there we go!” Carla exclaimed triumphantly, grabbing the bottle of vodka. Samuel instinctively grabbed her wrist, stopping her movement.

“You’re not drinking that” he said in a serious tone.

“And since when do _you_ tell me what to do? You didn’t care for me the last ten months, why do it now?” she shot back at him with an icy, but teary glare.

Samuel was caught off guard by that, mostly because she was right.

“I did care for you. I just thought that you were happy, and you didn’t need me no more” Samuel said, his voice getting smaller with each word. He couldn’t prevent his lips from quivering after he said that, feeling a mixture of hurt and self-pity.

“You’re the dumbest person I know” Carla said, squeezing her eyes shut in a pained way.

Although Samuel hated to use her vulnerable state to get his way, he had to take the chance he got now.

“Carla” he said meaningfully, looking into her eyes, softly stroking his thumb over the skin on her wrist. “Put it away. Please.” He hoped that he sounded pleading enough to convince her.

When she sighed quietly and he felt her wrist relaxing in his grip, he knew that his plan had worked out.

“Fine, but I’ll listen to you just this one time” she said, causing a slight smile on Samuels face. She put the bottle back into the fridge and Samuel felt proud at how he handled the situation, not knowing that this feeling would only last for approximately eight minutes. 

After their short encounter, Carla was much calmer and got comfortable on his bed, being on her phone. She was probably scrolling through Instagram which let Samuel breathe for a few seconds. He really hoped that she wouldn’t get back to her ecstatic, uncontrollable state.

“I need to use the toilet, I’ll be right back” he said, already standing up.

Carla just looked at him with a blank expression, giving him a slight nod. Samuel decided to just quickly brush his teeth after being on the toilet. He hoped that when he came back out of the bathroom, he would find Carla asleep on his bed. She had looked rather tired the last couple of minutes.

But his wishes shouldn’t be fulfilled. When he stepped out of the bathroom, the bed was empty. Carla’s phone was left in the middle of it carelessly, her Instagram still open. Samuel’s heart rate instantly sped up, his eyes scanned the hotel room frantically, until he found the only place that Carla didn’t discover when she was on her first room tour. Probably because it was hidden by big dark curtains.

Now, the curtains were pushed to the side, and Samuel realized that the sudden change of room temperature he’d unconsciously registered was caused by the balcony door being open.

He sprinted across the room, a million thoughts invading his mind like sharp knives – Carla’s blank expression, people on drugs believing they could fly, the way she’d looked at the sky on their way home – and he immediately thought of the worst.

“Carla!” he shouted, a first wave of relief rushing through him as he detected her dark silhouette.

“Join me, Samuel! Just look at how beautiful the stars are! And look at all the people down there, they’re small like ants!” she exclaimed happily, leaning on the railing to watch the street.

From inside the hotel room, her position looked somewhat dangerous, given the fact that she was leaning far forward, standing on her tiptoes and pushing herself up on the railing to get a better sight.

When Samuel finally reached the balcony, he grabbed her left arm roughly, yanking her back into the hotel room.

Carla let out a scream at that, clearly surprised and, what made Samuel instantly regret his forceful action, obviously hurt.

“Fuck, Samuel, let me go!” she screamed, ripping her arm away from his grip, her right hand immediately going up to the place where he had grabbed her.

“What the fuck do you think you were doing?” now it was Samuels time to scream, breathing heavily and fisting his hair with his right hand. “You could have died for fucks sake!”.

He felt how his eyes filled up with tears, this was all too much for him. Taking care of Carla in her current state was just too big of a responsibility to him. If something happened to her, it was his fault.

“Do I look like I have a death wish to you?” Carla screamed back, her angry expression sending chills down Samuels spine. With the look she had on her face it was more likely for Samuel to die any time soon than for Carla.

When he answered her last question with “Yes, taking so many drugs that you’re becoming a total maniac is pretty close to having a death wish!”, the situation didn’t exactly deescalate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: this (+ the chapter that will be updated tomorrow) were the first chapters I wrote. The chaotic scenario of Samuel desperately trying to take care of a high Carla was the first thing I had in mind and the rest is just adapted around it. I wonder if it's noticable through my writing style or something and I hope that the story is still fluent :D


	11. Deep Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the night resumes. Have fun reading & leave some feedback if you like. :)

You, you are  
My designer drug  
And only you  
Can help me  
And I can't get enough  
It's like you're made inside a laboratory  
Just for me

 _Designer Drug – Mayer Hawthorne_

_Sunday, 4 th April, 4:26 am _

Luckily for the both of them, Guzman was still awake. His alarmed gut feeling that kept him from falling asleep didn’t betray him, and when he heard Samuel and Carla screaming at each other, he hurriedly got out of bed and put on a T-shirt and jogging pants.

He knocked on the door forcefully, bracing himself for the chaos he was about to enter. He knew that Samuel rarely got angry at anyone, because normally he had a soft and sensible nature. But Guzman was also aware that Samuel wasn’t exactly made for stressful situations and easily lost his head. And when he did, he was unstoppable. And Carla – well, she was Carla. She was manipulating, provocative and smart, and if anyone knew how to get Samuel mad - then it was her.

“Is everything alright?” Guzman asked as Samuel opened the door, but when he saw Samuel’s reddened eyes and Carla standing in the middle of the room crying her heart out, he realized how dumb his question was.

“You mean despite Carla nearly falling off the balcony three minutes ago? Yeah, sure, we’re fucking great” Samuel said in an angry, low tone, clenching his jaw after he finished speaking.

“She’s absolutely crazy, I don’t even know if it’s just the drugs or if she has gone lunatic for real” he added quietly, looking back at her over his shoulder.

“Calm down, Samuel. Everyone goes a little mad sometimes. In a few hours you’ll have your old Carla back, in all her mysterious and intimidating glory” Guzman said in a lighter tone, obviously trying to ease up the situation.

“If that’s what you believe, then please, she’s all yours” Samuel stepped aside, letting Guzman in, gesturing to where Carla was standing.

Guzman couldn’t remember if he ever saw Carla like this, she looked absolutely miserable, hugging herself, sobbing and letting out small whines. She looked so small and lost, it didn’t only break Samuel’s heart, it broke Guzman’s, too.

Guzman walked over to Carla slowly, it reminded Samuel of someone carefully approaching a wild – or hurt – animal.

“Hey hey, come here” Guzman said softly, embracing her into a hug, placing his chin at the top of her head. Carla’s cries immediately got louder as she let herself fall into his arms.

Samuel felt like the biggest idiot walking the earth, how could he be so heartless with her just minutes ago when apparently all she needed was a hug? Maybe her madness was already reflecting on him, with the difference that she had a right to be mad, because she was on drugs, and he had no right to be, because he was nearly sober again.

Samuel decided to give them their minute, or more accurately he was fleeing from Carla’s cries, the sound of them were too much for him. He felt the cold night air hitting his face as he stepped onto the balcony. He moved closer to the railing, curious about the sight Carla promoted to him before. But when he discovered a cloudy night sky blocking the stars from his view and found the street under him abandoned, not a single person in sight, his stomach dropped at the quiet realization that she must have imagined the things she claimed to see moments before. After a few minutes, Samuel decided to get back in.

Guzman and Carla now sat on the end of the bed, the boy stroking her back gently while Carla stared at the wall in front of her. Samuel couldn’t help but feel slight relief at this sight, she apparently calmed down and – what was even better – seemed pretty exhausted.

“So, is there anything that would make you feel better right now?” Guzman asked her after Samuel closed the balcony door and came to stand next to them.

“Alcohol” Carla stated blankly, not moving her glance from the wall.

Samuel let out a desperate laugh, he couldn’t believe she was back at this topic again. But he forced himself to stay quiet, trusting Guzman to find a solution, not wanting to get into another fight with Carla.

“Okay, if that’s what you want, alright” Guzman said, causing Samuel to feel a wave of anger. Did Guzman really think giving alcohol to Carla was going to make things better right now?

“But first, take a shower. A relaxing shower always does wonders for me” Guzman went on, while Carla looked at him surprised. And next to the surprise Samuel discovered another expression on her face, it was barely there but he could see it clearly – it was triumph.

That girl, she always got her way. Motivated by Guzman’s promise, she stood up and went to the bathroom, but not without shooting Samuel a provocative look before she closed the door.

“Great, so I might as well call an ambulance now, what is their number here in London? Maybe they’re here when she’s downed half a bottle of vodka and is on her first cramping seizure” Samuel said furiously. He was not amused about Guzman’s way of finding solutions.

“You really think I’ll let her drink alcohol now? Come on, Samu. We just need to outsmart her. And the shower will have her occupied for a few minutes” Guzman said.

“And how on earth do we do that?” Samuel asked skeptically.

“Just watch and learn” Guzman told him, already grabbing the vodka bottle from the fridge and making his way to the balcony.

Samuel followed him, curious about what his friend had in mind. As both of them stood on the balcony, Guzman opened the bottle, taking a big sip from it.

“What are you doing?” Samuel said confused, but before he could say another word, Guzman shoved the bottle into his hand.

“Trust me, you’ll need it, she’s nowhere near done. Her pupils are as big as tennis balls, she won’t be sleeping anytime soon. So, we have a few hours to go”.

After each of them drank a few times, Guzman held the bottle over the railing, releasing the insides left onto the street beneath them.

“Hey, what if there are people down there!” Samuel exclaimed, what was rather dumb, because he himself had seen that the street was abandoned.

“Calm down, dude, we’re in England, people here are used to the rain. Water, vodka – what’s the difference?” Guzman answered with a dumb grin, which made both of them laugh.

“So, what’s the plan now?” Samuel asked him.

“I’ll go over to my bathroom, fill the bottle up with water, and then we’ll give it to her” he explained.

“That is your plan? It’s never going to work, she’s far too clever for this” Samuel said, bewildered at how little Guzman seemed to know Carla.

“Yes, she is. But she is also very, very high. I’m pretty sure she won’t remember most of the night tomorrow and I’m pretty sure that she won’t be able to taste the difference between water and vodka right now, even if she wanted to” Guzman said looking at Samuel, who now had a sad expression on his face.

“Are you really sure about this?” he asked.

“Yes, I’m sorry, dude. But your girl is totally up in space.”

Samuel felt his stomach clench as Guzman referred to Carla as _his girl_. Even though she may be a crazy drug addict now, he still wanted nothing more in the world than to call her that. His love for her was definitely not the healthiest thing about him.

As Samuel waited for Guzman to return from his room with the freshly filled vodka bottle, the bathroom door slowly opened, releasing small clouds of hot air. A second later Carla’s head peaked through, her wet hair was combed back and her cheeks and lips were flushed in an rosy shade.

“Hi” she said to Samuel, who nearly got lost admiring her again. She didn’t seem to be angry at him anymore.

“Hi” he said back, wondering what she could want now.

“Guess what” she whispered as if she was about to tell him a big secret.

“What?” Samuel whispered, playing along.

“I’m naked” Carla whispered smirking.

“Congratulations that you managed to take your clothes off before showering” Samuel answered, trying to destroy the sexual tension Carla just had built.

“Thank you” she answered back, still whispering, not seeming offended by his mocking. “Now I need clothes” she stated.

At that point, Samuel realized that she wasn’t trying to flirt with him, she had just asked him for clothes in a very cryptic way. Or maybe the vodka was slowly making his way up to his brain right now, clouding his cognitive processes and preventing him from understanding her indirect question.

“Oh, sure, sorry. What do you want? A T-Shirt and Boxers?” he asked while walking over to his suitcase.

“Yes” Carla jut said, still waiting in the bathroom.

Samuel came to stand in front of her to reach her the clothes and Carla opened the door just a little more to stick her arm through and get them. The boy looked away instantly, not wanting to invade her private sphere.

Carla let out a small laugh at that. “There`s nothing you haven’t seen before”.

A few seconds after Carla closed the bathroom door to get dressed, the room door opened and Guzman came in with the vodka-now-filled-with-water-bottle. Samuel had made himself comfortable on the bed in the meantime, at this point he just wanted to sleep.

“Do you think she’ll have a placebo effect?” he asked Guzman, who came to sit next to him.

“I don’t know, hopefully she’ll just drink it and let us chill in peace” his friend answered, yawning loudly.

Then Carla came out of the bathroom, her hair still wet, Samuel’s clothes hugging her small body.

“Sooo, where`s my alcohol?” she asked in anticipation.

“Come and get it” Guzman said, making room for her on the bed. Though it was a king size bed, it was still a little small for three people sitting next to each other in a halfway comfortable position. Carla climbed between Samuel and Guzman and cuddled herself under the blanket before grabbing the bottle, opening it, and taking two big gulps. The two boys tried their best to stay inconspicuous, Guzman zapping through tv programs and Samuel being on his phone, hoping Carla wouldn’t notice the difference.

“Mhhm, it’s soo good. I’m pretty sure we don’t have this brand in Spain” Carla said, holding the bottle in front of her face and squinting her eyes, trying to decipher the letters that she probably saw rather blurred.

Samuel had to bite his lip to prevent himself from laughing and as he looked over to Guzman for a second, he found his friend doing the same.

“You really should try it” Carla held the bottle out for Samuel, who took it from her, drank a tiny sip and then did his best _my-throat-is-getting-burned-and-I-want-to-puke-expression_. The last thing he wanted was for Carla to raise suspicion.

“Carla, that’s pretty hard. You’re sure you want to drink this?” he asked her then, which caused her to nod her head eagerly, obviously proud that the vodka – or more specifically water - didn’t affect her as much as it did Samuel.

And with that, she drank and drank, until the bottle was empty. Luckily, there didn’t seem to be any placebo effect. Of course Carla still behaved weird, laughing at the tv in unfitting situations or trying to take selfies with an tired – and therefore grumpy – Guzman while giggling at the face filters Snapchat had to offer, but at least she was much more satisfied after thinking she had just drowned a liter of vodka.

“Do you want to know what’s my favorite drug?” Carla asked, grinning from ear to ear. The two boys next to her were used to her bubbly talking and giggling by now, trying to watch a movie without getting too distracted by the restless blonde between them.

“Crystal Meth?” Guzman asked dryly, causing Samuel to let out a chuckle.

Carla didn’t seem to notice his mocking tone, excited about revealing her secret now. “Nooo Guzman, it’s Samuel!” she said, hugging the flustered boy from the side.

“How cute” Guzman said, keeping his eyes on the tv seemingly annoyed.

“I mean, look at him. He’s sooo cute. Did you see his brown hair? Or his eyelashes? They are so long, I think they are the longest in the world! I even have fake lashes and they still aren’t as long as Samuel’s!”

Guzman just exhaled deeply, crossing his arms over his chest. Samuel on the other hand was now very encouraged to chat with Carla. Getting compliments from his favorite girl was something he’d never get tired of, especially because Carla rarely complimented anyone.

“You have fake lashes? Where? I can’t see them” Samuel said, looking at her face closely (maybe, just maybe he chose to stay on that topic because that would allow him to study her face, especially her eyes, openly).

“Yees I have, they are glued to my natural lashes. But it’s professional, so you don’t see it and it lasts several weeks!” Carla seemed very happy to talk to Samuel about her girly topic.

“Wow, that looks great. I always thought it was make up” now it was Samuel’s time to compliment her.

“No it’s not” she admitted proudly. “You know how sharks have two rows of teeth? I have two rows of eyelashes!”

Samuel had to laugh at her stupid remark, the positive feedback encouraging Carla to go on.

“My eyelashes are like, my superpower!” she now cheered, intensely looking at Samuel and batting her lashes at him.

He looked at her eyes closely again, remembering what Guzman had said about them before. He noticed that they were darker than usual, her pupils nearly filling up her whole irides, the black color swallowing up the beautiful green tone.

“I’m pretty sure having fake lashes isn’t a superpower” Samuel said quietly, not breaking the stare.

“Yes it is” Carla said seriously.

“And what can you do with those?” the boy asked her, not knowing that her next statement would make his breath hitch in his throat and cause Guzman to get up, who had enough with third-wheeling the two love birds.

“I can make you fall in love with me” Carla said, not breaking the stare either, a seductive smirk on her face.

“Well, she’s not wrong, is she?” Guzman stepped into their conversation. At that point he felt rather uncomfortable and was determined to announce that he’s going to bed now.

But neither Carla nor Samuel wanted to hear what Guzman had to say, apparently not being able to stop their staring contest.

Instead of answering Guzman, Samuel chose to pick up what Carla had said before. “You don’t need fake lashes for that” he spoke bluntly, not being ashamed to show his feelings for her.

“Do you think I can leave you alone now without having to worry about you two murdering each other?” Guzman tried to interrupt their conversation again. He was so tired he could barely keep his eyes open the last couple of minutes, and he was even more tired of listening to Samuel and Carla heavily flirting with each other.

In addition to that, it was now six in the morning and Guzman really wanted to get a few hours of sleep. The present day, which was a Sunday, was originally supposed to be full of sightseeing, but the fact that Guzman and Samuel would probably sleep until noon was most likely to destroy their tourist plans.

Although Guzman didn’t like that they had thrown away some of their precious time in London, he could fully empathize with Samuel, who didn’t want to leave Carla behind at that party completely drugged with half of the guys there eyeing her as if she was their prey.

After all, Carla was one of his longest friends. Until today, Guzman was still mad at her for everything she’d done. But on the other hand, seeing her like this, completely out of her mind, made him reconsider the impression he had from her.

Maybe she wasn’t as heartless as he always thought, maybe she really felt guilty. And in the end, Guzman had to admit that he wasn’t completely innocent himself. He was also hiding a crime and protecting a murderer, and so did Samuel.

In this perspective, they weren’t any better than her. And as Guzman remembered how they grew up together, he realized that he knew deep down she had a good heart. But with the world she lived in, full of money, corruption and lies, having a good heart didn’t get her very far. Guzman was sure that was what her parents always have told her.

Maybe that’s why she chose to lock her heart away, hurt so often by the people she loved the most in order to raise her into this cruel world that she just couldn’t bear it anymore.

Viewing it like this, he realized that her mental break down had been unavoidable, it was only a matter of time until her feelings began eating her up alive.

“Yeah, I think it’s okay now. Thank you” Samuel said to Guzman, who already walked towards the room door slowly.

“Good night Guzman, I hope your dreams are almost as sweet as Samuel!” Carla shouted giggling.

Since Guzman had enough of hearing Carla’s nonsense, he left the room without further answer.

As the door fell into the lock, the blonde girl let herself fall into Samuel’s chest, still smiling from ear to ear.

“I never knew you could be so nice” Samuel told her while taking her into his arms and rubbing her back softly.

After a few seconds of silence, Carla looked up at him with big eyes and a sad expression. As Samuel looked into her face, he felt the atmosphere shift.

“Do you think I’m evil?” she asked, her words no more than a whisper. Samuel’s heart dropped at her question, and while her body began to tremble in his arms, he answered honestly.

“No, of course I don’t think that you’re evil.”

Carla pressed her head into his chest as she began to sob quietly. Her sudden mood swings confused Samuel, but he knew they were most likely caused by the drugs she’d consumed.

As much as he hated the fact that Carla was so high right now, he also saw something positive from it. Whether it was because her feelings got so intense that she couldn’t hold them in any longer, or she was only now brave enough to speak out loud what concerned her, but she finally opened up to him.

And the topic she now brought up wasn’t entirely new to him. He knew that she felt guilty for the things that had happened. For the deaths of Marina and Polo, for Christian’s accident. And while it couldn’t be argued that she somehow was involved in all this, one thing was safe to say: she never wanted to hurt anybody on purpose. Her miserable state was the biggest proof for that.

Samuel began rocking her in his arms gently, placing his chin on the top of her head.

“And it’s not that I just think you’re not evil, but I _know_ it. I really do, Carla. I know that you didn’t want any of this. You were just in the wrong place on the wrong time, and then you had to make decisions. Life changing, hard decisions. And some of them were wrong, but how could you know that? Of course, your decisions were against all ethics or morals, but you had so much to lose…” he let his words fade out as he noticed that she was getting calmer, her sobs quieting down and her breath being at a steady pace again.

“Samu, I’m really tired” Carla whispered into his chest.

The boy exhaled with relief. The night finally came to an end.

Samuel didn’t know if she was physically tired or just exhausted because of the conversation they just had, as he knew that she had a hard time dealing with her feelings.

He was very glad that this conversation took place, and thoroughly hoped that she would remember his words when she woke up in a few hours. Even if they were baby steps, they still meant that something was changing.

He laid himself down on the mattress slowly, taking her with him so that she could sleep on his chest. Grabbing the blanket, he tucked both Carla and him in, making her hum in approval.

“Mhhm, you’re so warm” she whispered. “And you smell so good, I wish I could put your scent into a perfume” were the last silly words she said, after saying a thousand silly things that night.

“I’m pretty sure there’s a whole novel concerning this topic, and just let me say it didn’t end too well” were Samuel’s last words, catching up the silliness.

With that, both drifted into a deep slumber. What a wild night.


	12. Walk of shame

What's a girl to do when she's not strong  
When everyone that holds my hand  
Gets cut from all the thorns  
I used to put my ear against the wall  
To hear the screams, to hear the fall  
More reasons to escape it all

_Devils don’t fly – Natalia Kills_

_Sunday, 4 th April, 11.47 am_

As Carla slowly drifted into consciousness, she felt like she’d been hit by a truck. Her head was pounding so hard she wanted nothing more than to go back to sleep instantly, but she knew that wasn’t realistic. Headaches always kept her awake, making her suffer even more.

She opened her eyes slowly. So far, she had no idea where she was, and with whom she was. But she knew that she wasn’t alone. She felt a warm chest move under her head in a steady pace, the breathing slow and deep.

As she moved her head slowly to see who was laying beneath her, her heart skipped a beat. With that, blurry memories came to her mind.

_Luke’s party. Tom. The dancefloor. Samuel._

She tried to puzzle the chaotic pictures into a logical order, so she could retrace the events of last night. After a minute or so, she had most of her memories pieced together. The last thing she remembered was how they left Luke’s house. After that, there was just vast emptiness. She must’ve blacked out. Slowly, she lifted the blanket. She had clothes on, that was good.

Carla laid her head back onto Samuel’s chest. She didn’t want to leave yet, but she knew that she had to. Samuel’s bruised hand was the biggest proof for that. Carla hated how she was the reason why he was hurt now. Although Samuel would probably insist on that his hand wasn’t hurting, she knew that wasn’t true.

His hands weren’t supposed to look like this. And they weren’t supposed to be used for violence. They were supposed to fiddle around when he was nervous, to draw stupid doodles when he was bored, or to be closed into a loose fist held before his mouth when he was concentrating. Carla wanted them to do all the little things Samuel did throughout the day, but not to be used to fight against something or someone.

Although she knew he wasn’t afraid to fight, that wasn’t the real Samuel. She didn’t fall in love with this version of him, the stressed, anxious, hot-headed Samuel. She fell in love with the soft Samuel, the loving and caring boy. A little dorky, a little shy. And she knew that he felt more comfortable like that, too.

Of course, it was positive that he was more self-confident now, not letting everyone walk all over him. But she was sure he could be self-confident _and_ soft. These two things weren’t mutually exclusive. No, more so, the contrast they built within his personality were maybe the thing that fascinated her the most about him. Carla had always been in love with contrasts.

With every second that she thought about him, it was harder for her to accept the fact that she had to leave now. She decided to do it as fast as possible, like tearing off a plaster.

As quietly as she could, Carla slipped out of the bed. While doing so, she nearly kicked an empty vodka bottle that hid within the sheets onto the floor, preventing the fall in the last second. _What the fuck was going on last night?_ She thought to herself as she went to the bathroom.

Luckily, she found her clothes as well as her bag there. And, what was even better, her phone still had battery. She quickly called herself a cab (the logo on the soap container revealed the name of the hotel to her), put her clothes on and left the room on tip toes.

As she was out in the hallway, she exhaled deeply. She bent down to put on her high heels and began walking towards the elevator. The sight that greeted her in the mirror as she entered it wasn’t too pleasurable. She looked pale, her hair was rather wild, and she was obviously wearing a party outfit. She knew what everyone who saw her like this would think. And with that, another Sunday started with the thing she hated the most about one-night stands: The walk of shame in its purest form.

_Sunday, 4 th April, 13.01 pm _

Samuel was woken up by the ringing of his phone. He groaned quietly, rubbing his eyes and reaching for the vibrating phone on the nightstand.

“What’s up?” he asked groggily.

“Are you still sleeping?” Guzman asked on the other end of the phone.

“Obviously not.”

Guzman chuckled at that. “Sorry, dumb question. Do you want to eat something?”

Samuel concentrated on how his body, or more his stomach, felt. He was definitely hungry. “Yeah. I’ll be ready in ten minutes.”

“Is she still there?”

“No. I think she left an hour ago or so.”

As Samuel woke up at around 12 pm, he discovered that the sheets next to him were empty, but still a bit warm. He felt slightly disappointed at that, even if it was dumb. What was he thinking? That they would wake up next to each other with the birds chirping and then went to have breakfast together, chatting and laughing over a cup of cappuccino? With everything happening last night, definitely not.

They had a lot to talk about, and the questions Samuel had for Carla wouldn’t be comfortable for her. So of course, she’d try to avoid this.

And maybe it wasn’t so bad that they didn’t wake up together. Samuel knew that he was way too inquisitive to wait with his questions until it was the right time to ask them. And bombarding a hungover and tired Carla with questions about her drug consume and sexual life would’ve probably led to the next fight. She wasn’t exactly what you call a morning person.

He discovered that when they woke up together for the first time. When he tried to wake her up back then (at 10.30 in the morning, for Samuel a more than decent time to get up), she told him to fuck off several times. But he didn’t let go of it, softly crawling her neck, until she decided to show him _her_ favorite way of starting the day, which he couldn’t complain about.

_Sunday, 4 th April, 13.34 pm _

“That’s exactly what I need right now” Guzman said as the waiter put down the plate before him, a big burger and fries placed on top of it.

“Same for me, I’m starving” Samuel answered, already shoving some fries into his mouth.

After a few minutes of silence, each of them too focused on their food to speak, Samuel decided to bring up the unavoidable topic.

“So, did you get at least a few hours of sleep?”

“Yeah, after all this trouble I slept like a stone. And you? Did anything interesting happen between you to?” Guzman asked cheekily.

Samuel chuckled at that, shaking his head. “No, not really.”

For a second, he thought about telling Guzman about the conversation he had with Carla when they were alone, but then he decided that it was too intimate. Instead, he changed the topic.

“Carla forgot her necklace in the bathroom. I found it under the sink this morning, it must’ve fallen down.”

The blonde boy already knew what his friend wanted to tell him with that. “Let me guess, you want to bring it to her as an excuse to confront her with everything?”

Guzman knew Samuel all too well. Samuel smiled sheepishly, shrugging a little.

“Maybe.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really like how this chapter fits into the actual weekday. I hope your Sunday didn't start with headaches and a hangover, mine at least didn't :D  
> I wish a nice and relaxing Sunday to all of you and a good start into the week tomorrow! :)


	13. Confrontation

She said  
I keep on running, keep on running  
And nothing works  
I can't get away from you, no  
I keep on ducking, keep on ducking  
And nothing helps  
I can't stop missing you, yeah

_Erase me – Kid Kudi ft. Kanye West_

_Sunday, 4 th April, 18.10 pm _

After Samuel had successfully traveled to his destinated station per subway, he had to walk a few minutes until he reached the house he was looking for. His heart began to beat faster as he walked down the street – Princes Gardens – looking out for number 48.

Luckily, Carla had told him her address at Luke’s party. And like any other fact about Carla, it was instantly burned into Samuel’s brain. And because of that, he didn’t have to ask her where she lived and could avoid announcing his visit to her. Even though she wasn’t the biggest fan of surprise visits, catching her off guard may be Samuel’s only chance to get to her.

He came to a halt in front of a fancy white house, the architecture reminding him of some buildings out of the Victorian era. He could imagine that Carla found it pretty.

He took a last deep breath before ringing the bell. The big dark wooden door was opened by an elderly man. The house had a concierge. Samuel didn’t know if that would increase or decrease the chance that he actually got to see Carla today.

The man looked at him surprised, but friendly.

“Hello, how can I help you?”

“I want to visit Carla Rosón.”

“I’m sorry, but Miss Rosón isn’t expecting any visits today. She never has visitors on Sundays.”

Samuel got nervous at that. This wasn’t going according to his plan.

“I-I have a necklace from her. She forgot it in my-“ Samuel stopped mid-sentence. He knew how that must sound. “Listen, I’m an old friend of hers. I met her yesterday and I think she’s not well. I just want to make sure she’s okay.” Samuel did his best to sound honest.

In this case, his honesty was rewarded. The man opened the door further, letting him in.

“Please come inside first, before you get all wet” he referred to the heavy rain that was pouring down from the grey sky, hitting Samuel’s back with gusts of wind.

“I have to ask for her approval before I let you visit her. If she says it’s okay, then you can go” the man said, now standing at his desk and holding a phone up to his ear. After ten seconds or so, he began to speak.

“Good evening, Miss Rosón, I hope I’m not disturbing you. I have a visitor for you...a young man…his name? Wait a moment” the man looked at Samuel.

“Samuel.”

“Samuel is his name…okay…okay I’ll tell him.” The man hung up. “It’s okay, you can go upstairs. Please take the elevator, her apartment is on the second floor.”

Samuel smiled with relief. “Thank you.”

He began walking towards the elevator when the man spoke to him again.

“May I ask you something?”

“Yeah sure” Samuel turned around, looking at him with expectation. 

“Could you bring this to her?” the man asked, pointing to a package next to his desk.

”I shouldn’t carry heavy things” he showed his old hands “rheumatism.”

“Yeah, of course. No problem” Samuel lifted up the package, it really was heavy.

As Samuel walked out of the elevator, he spotted a door that was opened just a crack. When he came to stand in front of it, he heard footsteps coming from inside the apartment.

Carla opened the door, standing in the middle of the frame. Even in her Sunday-stay-at-home-outfit she still looked stunning. She had her hair tied up into a ponytail, her porcelain skin didn’t have any trace of makeup on it, and she wore a tight black t-shirt and black leggings.

“Your delivery is here” Samuel spoke, holding up the package. He hoped that it would be funny, but judging by Carla’s blank expression, it wasn’t.

That didn’t go according to Carla’s plan. Originally, she wanted to open the door for him, tell him that she was fine, and ask him to go home again. She thought he would be more satisfied when he saw with his own eyes that she was okay, and would therefore not annoy her any further. 

Now, that he was carrying the heavy package, she had to let him inside so he could put it down somewhere. If she tried to take it from him and carry it inside herself he would probably follow her. By now, she knew Samuel too well to think he wouldn’t take any chance to get into her apartment so he could confront her with whatever annoying topic he chose to question her about this time.

“So, will you let me in now or what?” he asked a little too friendly, as if he was pretending that he wasn’t here to talk with her about her drug consume.

Carla stepped aside, making room for him so he could walk through the door frame.

“You can place it on the kitchen counter” she said as she showed him the way into her kitchen.

From what Samuel saw so far, her apartment was extremely modern and very tidy and clean. He put down the package, now standing in the kitchen.

“The concierge asked me to bring it to you. He said it’s too heavy for him” Samuel stated, looking at the package.

Carla felt a little bad at that. She should really tell the old man that he didn’t have to carry the packages all the way to up her apartment. She could do it herself next time, at least her hard work in the gym would pay off in this way.

“What’s in there?” Samuel asked.

“Wine” Carla stubbornly stared at the package. “Sending me a package with wine every few weeks is the only way my parents chose to communicate with me” she said without any emotion. Before Samuel could say anything else, she tore her gaze off the package, now staring at him.

“Why are you here, Samuel?”

Samuel began to fiddle in the pockets of his jeans until he found the fine golden necklace she left in the bathroom. “You forgot your necklace. I thought you wanted to have it back.”

_Of course, that’s the only reason why you’re here._ Carla was mad at herself for the mistake she made by forgetting the necklace (and by telling him her address, of course).

“Why didn’t you text me before? You have my number now, don’t you?”

“Would you have allowed me to come?”

“No.”

“There you have your answer.”

Carla scoffed a little and slightly shook her head. Did Samuel really thought he could trick her like this?

“Well, thank you then.” She took the necklace from his hand. “But now that you gave it to me, would you mind leaving?”

“Honestly, it’s raining quite heavily right now and I’d walk around ten minutes to the subway station so-“

“I can give you an umbrella” Carla interrupted him.

In this exact moment, a deafening rumble of thunder sounded, causing both Samuel and Carla to jump a little.

_Even the weather is on his side._

Though Carla wanted nothing more than to get him out of her apartment as soon as possible, sending him outside in the middle of a thunderstorm seemed a little too harsh for her.

On the other hand she knew that she didn’t have much time anymore. The depressed mood that she was in for the whole day seemed to get worse from minute to minute, as if she could feel how the hormones of happiness left her body one by one.

In an hour or so, the withdrawal would reach a new high, causing her to reach a new low. And she couldn’t risk that he’d see her breaking down.

_When he sees how miserable I really am, he’s never going to leave again._ Carla was seriously concerned that he would quit school and move to London to work as a waiter for the rest of his life when he saw just how bad she was.

In her head, she quickly formed a new plan: _I’ll_ _offer him something to drink, we’ll chat for a while and I’ll give an authentic impression on how much I love my new life in London._

_“Of course, it was a little scary at first, but by now, the city has become my new home.“_

_“University is hard, but it’s interesting and the goal of graduating keeps me going.”_

_“The parties are a bit wild, but it’s just on the weekends.”_

_“I get high sometimes, but it’s very rare. Actually, yesterday was the first time I’d done it in forever, which was the reason for why it escalated. I’m not planning on doing it again anytime soon, no, I’m not planning on doing it_ ever _again. Really, I promise you, Samuel. It was the last time.”_

Lie. Lie. Lie.

Though Carla was an expert at lying, telling all these lies in one conversation would be her masterpiece. To her, it seemed even harder to lie to Samuel than to lie to the police, or in court.

_You’re so fucked up it’s unbelievable, Carla._

“Fine. Do you want something to drink? Tea?” Carla asked, walking over to the sink to fill the kettle with water.

“Yes, that’d be great” Samuel still stood at the counter that was part of a cooking island in the middle of the kitchen.

The kitchen was so clean, if he didn’t know it was part of Carla’s apartment, he’d mistaken it for an exhibition piece in a furniture store. His impression was underlined by the fact that there was no personal decoration at all. No plants, no paintings on the walls, no postcards pinned to the fridge, nothing. Except for a little yellow post-it that was stuck on the counter with _TOMATOES_ written on it in big letters.

“I never knew tomatoes were so important to you” Samuel tried to make a joke. As he said those words out loud, he realized how dumb that sounded.

_Really, Samuel? Tomatoes? What the fuck? You’re lucky if she doesn’t kick you out right now._

But Carla didn’t react to it, still occupied with getting mugs and tea bags out of her cupboard.

“Is fruit tea okay? I also have chamomile and herbal tea, but the fruit one is my favorite.” 

“Fruit tea sounds good.”

“Sugar?” Carla asked as she put two ridiculously big spoons of sugar into her mug.

Samuel never knew she was such a sweet tooth, and he somehow found it adorable. He could’ve sworn she was the kind of person that drank even their coffee black, not to begin with sugaring already rather sweet tea. He decided to not point it out, it probably wouldn’t end well.

“Yes, a little bit, please.”

“Here you go.” She gave him the mug with a slight smile. _Wow, a smile._

Carla then walked out of the kitchen into the living room, where she said down at her dining table.

It was a black lacquer table, the one’s where you see every fingerprint or corn of dust on if you don’t clean it on a daily basis. Of course, the table was so clean you could eat right from it’s top. _Generally, her whole apartment is so clean you could eat straight from the floor,_ Samuel thought to himself.

“Nice apartment” Samuel said while looking around in the living room.

That was true, he really thought it was nice. It was modern, luxurious even, the furniture was held in a rather simple, minimalistic style. He was sure that every single piece of furniture in here was more expensive than the furniture of his whole apartment back in Spain.

Carla looked around, too. “Thank you.” She nipped on her mug.

“Though it doesn’t really look like you. I remember you telling me that you’ve had enough of living in a mausoleum, and now you’ve created one yourself.” Samuel said, even though he wasn’t so sure with that. The way it looked like everything was straight out of a catalogue, the furniture maybe was already inside when she moved in.

“Did you just come here to roast me for my style of furnishing?” Carla was not amused by his observation.

Mostly, because he was right. She didn’t like it, and she didn’t feel like home here. Her parents had bought the apartment for her completely furnished, and she hasn’t bothered to change or decorate anything yet. She just didn’t care. Like she didn’t care about many things these days. Because it didn’t matter. Hanging up paintings or buying plants wouldn’t make anything better. _Nothing_ would make anything better. By now, she’d accepted the fact that there was nothing left to do for her in an attempt to get better. She’d tried it all. Nothing had worked.

“No, sorry. I just expected it to look different here. More like you. As I came to this house today I thought: _That looks like Carla._ The creamy color, the Victorian style. It suits you. I thought your apartment would look similar. With small decorations, maybe in gold, or with floral patterns. Generally, more plants. I could’ve sworn you’d have some nice flowers on the dining table in a fancy vase…” Samuel smiled lovingly.

He was so right it was painful.

Carla felt her mood spiraling further downwards. It was getting darker around her. He needed to go. Now.

“The rain has stopped” she said, staring into her mug.

Samuel shifted in his seat at that, looking out of the windows.

He was getting restless. That was good. She just needed to hold herself together a few more minutes. _Stay still, don’t move too much. Calm down. Breathe._ She repeated those words in her head over and over again to distract herself from the threatening dark feelings that came to life inside her.

Samuel felt more and more hopeless with every cold word Carla spoke. It was like he was talking to a brick wall. This didn’t have any sense. Even if he’d try to ask her the questions he had, she wouldn’t answer them. It was pointless.

“Do you want me to go?”

He sounded sad. And he sounded defeated. He seemingly had enough of her giving him the cold shoulder. As patient as Samuel was, his patience wasn’t endless. Carla couldn’t hold it against him. It was a small wonder that after everything that had happened, he was still making an effort to talk to her at all.

“Okay, fine.” His words weren’t more than a whisper as he realized she wasn’t going to answer him.

It wasn’t that she didn’t _want_ to answer him. She wanted nothing more than to fake a smile and say goodbye to him. _Thank you for coming, Samuel. It was really nice to see you again. Greet everyone back in Spain from me._

But she couldn’t speak. The lump in her throat was stifling her. She was sure that when she tried to say something right now the words would come out as nothing but sobs. So, she kept staring at her mug, wildly blinking her tears away.

But she didn’t succeed. As the first tear left her eyes, rolling down on her cheek and dropping onto the black table, she knew that she’d lost the battle against herself.

It wasn’t new to Samuel that she was a silent sufferer. Maybe the most silent of all. But as he saw how a tear rolled down Carla’s cheek, he was confused at first. There were no signs that she would start crying before. Nothing that would give away that she was sad. A few seconds ago, he’d thought that she was just extremely annoyed by him. But that didn’t seem to be the truth. Not the whole truth, at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, the party fun is finally over. Things are getting serious, and this chapter was pretty sad to write. Though I know it's part of their journey, it's still heartbreaking to imagine Carla like this. I know we probably all fell in love with the strong Carla, because she's a queen, but after all she's only human. So even she has a breaking point, and we all know that it's Samuel who breaks down her walls (even without intending to do so, simple observations about her apartment are enough in this case. Because he is just too smart to not see through this.)
> 
> Feel free to let me know what you think about this. I'm always happy to talk to someone about the character development, the story line or whatever topic comes to your mind. It helps me reflect and can be really inspiring for future chapters! :)


	14. Breakdown

I always let the days slip away, I should have been making up my mind  
I never opened up, took it all in and now I'm running out of time  
Sometimes I dream about going back, keeping all the things I left behind  
But now I know you can't change the past, way too young to know the reason why

And it all comes rushing back, rushing back

_Rushing back - Flume_

_Sunday, 4 th April, 18.45 pm _

More and more tears started to fall, and Carla still sat stiff as a statue, her hands clutched around the mug so tightly she was afraid of breaking it.

Samuel stood up slowly. He thought of the way Guzman walked over to her as she was crying last night, and he tried to do the same. Careful and slow. It was the third time he saw her crying in less than 24 hours, and it was the first time he saw her crying while she was sober.

He came to stand next to her. Carla still sat there, not daring to move or make a sound, but her tears kept falling. The most painful thing was how quiet she was while crying. Samuel wanted her to do anything – scream, hit something, throw her mug against the wall – _anything_ but not just sit there, immobile and silent.

Samuel slowly took hold of her mug, trying to take it away from her. She’d cramped her hands around it so tightly he thought it must’ve been painful. He nearly had to rip it from her tight grip until she finally let go, causing a bit of tea to spill onto the table.

She immediately curled her hands into fists as if she needed something to release her pressure on to. Samuel then pulled her chair back slowly, bending over and pulling her up so that she was standing in front of him. Carla didn’t fight him. She just stared at the ground, avoiding his eyes, her tears now falling onto the floor instead of the table.

“Come here, Carla. It’s okay. You don’t need to be ashamed. It’s okay to cry.” Samuel hugged her tightly, which made her stiffen even more.

But after a few seconds, she collapsed into his arms. Samuel stumbled back a few steps, not trying to lose his balance at her sudden weight. He felt how his shirt got wet with tears as Carla was sobbing into his chest, her whole body shaking.

Samuel slowly walked over to the couch, not letting go of her. Then, he sat down slowly, pulling her into his lap. Next to them he found a soft furry blanket, in which he wrapped Carla and him in.

The rain had started again, creating a soothing sound as it smashed against the big windows. It was slowly beginning to get dark outside and if the current situation weren’t so bad, Samuel would’ve actually found it cozy to sit on that couch and watch the rain.

As Carla was laying on Samuel’s chest, hearing the steady beat of his heart and feeling the soft touch of his hands that were stroking her back under the blanket, she began to calm down. She felt like any energy had left her body. Every ability to lock away her feelings or shut herself down was gone now. She didn’t even have the strength to be mad at herself for her breakdown. She just felt exhausted.

“You know you can talk to me, Carla. About everything.” She heard Samuel whisper into her ear. “I won’t judge you. We’ve been through so much together. I feel so dumb for not talking to you the last months. But now, I’m here for you. And I won’t let you go through this alone. No, I won’t leave you alone again.”

_That’s exactly the problem. That you won’t leave me alone from now on._

“Samuel, don’t-” Carla slightly shook her head that was still pressed into his chest. “You need to care for yourself. You already have enough trouble with school and work. I won’t bother you with my problems and make your life even more stressing.”

“It’s my decision whose problems I let bother me. You know I can’t just leave and act like everything is fine after what happened last night.”

_Fuck._ That’s not how this conversation should go. Carla needed to change her path.

“Is that so? What happened last night then?” She freed herself from his hug, sitting up and staring at him provocatively.

If Carla could’ve seen herself in the mirror in that moment, she would have known that Samuel was definitely not going to fight with her now. No, not when her eyes were swollen and blood-shot, the tip of her nose reddened and her whole body shivering. She looked so weak it would’ve been unfair to fight with her now.

“Carla, you know what happened. And I wouldn’t have a problem with it if I knew you were happy like that. It’s none of my business who you sleep with or what you take to have fun on the weekends. I’m not the one to judge that. But I know you’re not happy like that. Even when we didn’t have much time together, I still know you don’t want this. And that’s why I’m here. Because I know that it has something to do with everything that has happened in school, and I was involved in it, too. We’re in this together, if you like it or not. And I won’t watch you destroy your life.”

Samuel’s tone was so honest and calm, he sounded so reasonable, it broke Carla’s will to fight him instantly. Secondly, the thought of someone helping her was tempting.

Because it wasn’t that she didn’t _want_ help. She never was a person to give up or drown in self-pity. She was willing to fight for herself. She wanted nothing more than to quit taking drugs and start to be happy for real again. She wanted to wake up in the mornings and not feel like she wanted to stay in her dark, silent room all day long. She wanted to laugh out loud, to learn new things, to make friends, to travel to beautiful places. All the things normal young women did. She had dreams that she wanted to achieve, she had a whole life she wanted to fill with beautiful memories. It was just that she couldn’t do it on her own, and there simply was nobody to support her before.

“So, you want to help me?”

“Of course I want to help you.” Samuel took Carla’s hand, immediately encouraged by her cooperation.

As Carla felt his thumb rub the back of her hand softly, she looked down at their intertwined fingers, recognizing the purple bruises on his knuckles. She then took his bruised hand in both of her hands, holding it up and tracing his knuckles softly. “I don’t like this.”

“What?”

“The bruises. That you’re hurt because of me.”

“It doesn’t hurt.”

Carla put a little more pressure onto his knuckles in order to prove her point. Samuel hissed quietly, giving her the confirmation she wanted.

“Samuel, everyone who gets close to me gets hurt. And I’ve already caused so much pain, I won’t cause any more.”

“You know that’s not true. What happened isn’t only your fault. There were so many people involved, so many inopportune circumstances, nobody can be blamed for all of that. We all did something wrong. I did, too. But that doesn’t stop me from carrying on with my life.”

Carla still stared at his hand and Samuel felt how her grip got tighter again. This time, it didn’t feel like she was doing it on purpose.

“Hey, hey Carla. Look at me.” He brought his left hand up to her face, pulling up her chin so that she would look at him. Her eyes were filled with tears again, the transparent liquid on the verge of spilling.

“It isn’t your fault alone. We all did something wrong. And I won’t get hurt because of you. Nothing is going to happen. It’s over now.”

She closed her eyes in a pained way, causing the tears to fall down her cheeks finally. Samuel now cupped her face with both of his hands, wiping the tears off her cheeks lovingly.

“I’m so sorry for everything, Samuel.”

“I know.”

“And I’m so sorry I’ve hurt you. Every mean word I told you was a lie. That in five years I won’t remember your name- It’s the dumbest thing I ever said. It’s the biggest lie I’ve ever told, I think.” Carla now brought her gaze up to directly stare into his eyes.

“It’s okay. You’re forgiven.” Samuel smiled softly, which made Carla pull up the corners of her mouth in the slightest way, too.

“But, why did you say it then?” he now questioned, letting go of her face as he noticed that she was now willing to talk to him.

That was the moment where Carla had to make a decision. Would she tell him about the things that had happened? With her father, with Yeray? She knew it would make him understand everything better, but she too knew that he would worry even more. Maybe he would even get angry and do something stupid. That would be the worst case. She just wanted to forget the whole thing, not revitalize the old memories that were so painful she felt like suffocating every time she thought of them.

“Promise me that you won’t do something dumb when you hear what I’m about to tell you, okay?” she asked quietly. Samuel just stared at her, nodding slightly.

“And generally, no matter what I tell you now or what happens between us, I need you to go back to Spain and go on with your life there. I don’t want you to give up anything for me, and when I have the feeling that that happens, I’ll distance myself from you.”

Samuel shifted in his seat at that, his inner voice protesting loudly. It was _his_ decision who he wanted to care for and what he gave up in order to be able to care. And if she needed him here, there was no way he could just ignore that. “Carla I-“

“No, Samuel. There is no space for discussing that. Either you’re agreeing on my terms or you leave me no choice than to end this conversation right now.”

Carla seemed to get her strength back, which pleased Samuel in some way. It was comforting to see her like this, taking control, sorting out herself, making clear what she wanted. Her dominant side turned him on beyond words, and he knew that he had no other choice than to agree with her now.

“Okay, I won’t do something stupid. I promise.” He held out his hand for her, which she willingly shook. It felt like they were deciding a contract, which was somehow weird because it wasn’t really possible to make contracts for such things as feelings. But it seemed to give her security, and that was the only thing important right now.

“Samuel, in the last months of school, it wasn’t that I didn’t want to be with you. Even though you played me to make me testify, I still…had feelings for you. Which is kinda dumb, because it sounds like I have no dignity and it doesn’t make much sense, but-“ Carla shrugged, “well, the point is that I wanted nothing more than to be with you…to be your girlfriend” she shifted in her seat, revealing her feelings to him made her very uncomfortable, but she was determined to tell him the whole truth now.

Samuel’s heart jumped at the word _girlfriend_. Firstly, because he was in love with her. Secondly, because he realized that he didn’t get it wrong back then. He knew that something was happening between them and even though he couldn’t decode the signs, he was aware that they existed, that Carla wanted to tell him something. This realization made him fall even more in love with her. Because even when there was nothing more than distant eye contact between them, they still understood each other somehow. Wasn’t that what love was made of?

“But why were you in a relationship with Yeray then?”

Carla inhaled deeply, closing her eyes. She tried to gather herself for the things she was about to tell him now. For a millisecond, she thought about cancelling their whole conversation. Anything in the world right now seemed easier to her than to tell him about Yeray. She’d rather run a marathon or cross the Atlantic ocean in an inflatable boat than tell him that her father practically sold her body to save the wineries of her family. But she had to. It was the right time now.

“Last year, the wineries of my family were on the verge of bankruptcy. My father hadn’t managed them well and made false investments for many months, and we were running out of money. So, we needed people to invest into the wineries and well, what is more obvious than prostituting your own daughter in order to win new investors?” Carla intensely stared at Samuel to decipher what he was thinking right now, but his face didn’t give many hints on that, until he finally began to speak.

“So, your father has forced you into a relationship with Yeray so that he would invest into his girlfriend’s business? Did Yeray know about that?”

Carla recognized that he didn’t grasp the situation fully yet, what was maybe the reason for his lack of emotional reaction.

“No, it wasn’t Yeray’s fault. My father made it up and put me under pressure. My mum suffers from depression and her state only got worse when she heard about how bad things were with the wineries. So, I had no choice. I had to save her, to save my family, to save our business.”

Samuel wondered about the way Carla spoke now. Her voice was monotone and quiet and there was no clear emotion recognizable. He couldn’t make out how she felt about this. Sad? Angry? Desperate? Ashamed?

“Carla, that sounds horrible. How can someone do this to their own daughter?” Samuel asked in shock, finally understanding the full extent of the situation. It was disastrous, to be honest.

“I don’t know. And I don’t know what’s worse, my father taking advantage of me like this or the fact that I had to sleep with Yeray against my will.”

She said in such a neutral tone, so matter-of-factly, that a dark suspicion was evolving in Samuel’s thoughts. Maybe she was traumatized. And maybe the drug consume were her only way of coping with it and she was reliving her trauma every weekend by sleeping with strangers. It made sense now. She didn’t enjoy it. She was harming herself with it. That was the point where he realized he couldn’t help her on his own. She needed real help, professional help.

He knew it wouldn’t be easy to get Carla to talk to someone for real. But making her do this seemed to be his mission now. Especially, when he had to fly back to Spain in a few days.


	15. Comfort

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I hope you're doing well!
> 
> I unfortunately have to tell you that I probably won't be able to keep up the daily updates. I have a statistics exam in two weeks and really need to study for that. But I'll do my best, and since this fanfic somehow became my new hobby, you don't have to worry that I'll leave this story unfinished. It's not that I don't want to continue writing. I have no motivational issues, just time issues. 
> 
> And I also want to thank you for your support, for all the kudos and nice comments you left so far. They make me really happy! :)
> 
> Have fun reading :)

Honey you are a rock  
Upon which I stand  
And I come here to talk  
I hope you understand

That green eyes  
Yeah the spotlight, shines upon you  
And how could anybody deny you

Green Eyes - Coldplay

_Sunday, 4 th April, 19.49 pm _

Carla had a weird feeling after she told Samuel everything. For most people, the feeling of relief after getting something off their chest was a normal and welcomed state, but for Carla, it just felt weird. Mostly because she wasn’t used to it. She wasn’t used to talking about what burdened her, and she was even less used to someone actually listening to what she said.

“And how did you get out of it? I mean, you two are obviously not a couple anymore.”

Samuel had this information from Yeray’s Instagram account, who posted a new picture with his girlfriend almost every week.

“The lack of feelings in our relationship was mutual. Yeray didn’t really love me, too. He just wanted to show me off to make the people that bullied him jealous. I wasn’t more than an accessory to him.”

“Oh, I’m sorry to hear-“

“No, it was the best thing that could’ve happened to me. If he had been really in love with me, breaking up and staying friends like we are now wouldn’t have worked out I guess.” Carla fumbled with her fingers, still sitting next to Samuel on the couch. “So, he invested his money even after our breakup. And he even made me the owner of the wineries in his contract.” A small smile showed on Carla’s face.

“Wow, that sounds pretty cool.” Samuel smiled, too. “So you really are a marquise now.”

Carla shrugged slightly, her smile slowly fading into a frown. “Yeah, I guess. Sounds like a happy ending doesn’t it?”

“No. When the main figure of the story isn’t happy in the end, it doesn’t sound like one.”

Carla’s frown deepened and Samuel saw that she was kneading her fingers again, intertwining and pressing her hands together so hard that her knuckles turned white. “Samuel I don’t-“ She inhaled shakily, now squirming in her seat. She was seemingly getting exhausted.

“Hey, it’s okay.” Samuel took her hands into his, making her look at him. “Thank you for telling me everything. I just realized how weird this all is. I mean we’ve met not even 24 hours ago and I surely have a million questions to ask you, but I just got aware of the fact that I have no right to pressure you into anything. It’s your decision what you want to tell me and when you do it. I just want you to know that I’ll always listen to what you have to say, okay?” He smiled reassuringly.

Carla was so thankful for him and his kind words, she nearly began to cry again. This time, not out of desperation, but because she was so touched by what he said. Instead of crying (this really got out of hand), she decided to hug him. “Thank you.” She wrapped her arms tightly around him, smiling into his shoulder.

In this moment, Carla’s stomach rumbled so loudly Samuel began to laugh softly.

“I think your stomach wants to tell you something.” He said, referring to the sound.

Carla freed herself from his hug. “Yeah, I should probably eat something.”

Since Amy’s appetizers last night, Carla hadn’t eaten anything. Loss of appetite always was a side effect of her drug hangover, leaving her avoid all kinds of food as long as she suffered from the aftermath. But on the other hand, the rational side of her mind knew that her body needed some food. 

“What about pizza?” Carla suggested.

“Sure, though I already had a burger for lunch. I think I’ll need some extra boxing lessons next week.” Samuel patted himself on his stomach.

“Don’t be so harsh on yourself. You look toned as ever.” Carla shot him a smile, eyeing him up and down.

Samuel felt his body temperature rise as he felt her eyes on him.

_Is she flirting with me?_

Though he had all of her compliments from last night still in his mind (and he was sure he wouldn’t forget them ever again in his life), this time it felt different. Because she was sober now, and she wasn’t giggling and laughing like a little child. No, the expression on her face now was different. Lustful, even.

In opposition to him, Carla’s body temperature was beneath what one experiences as pleasant. As she got up to get her phone, she felt goosebumps arise at her arms and legs, and as she sat herself next to Samuel again, she was shuddering.

“Okay, I’ve never ordered pizza before so-“

“What? You’ve lived here for ten months and never ordered pizza?” Samuel said in an exaggerated, funny way. “I don’t think you can handle living on your own.”

Carla laughed at that. Even though his humor wasn’t the most creative, he still managed to make her laugh.

“I like to cook.” She shrugged, a little smile on her face, before she concentrated on her phone again.

“Okay, here are the nearest restaurants. I don’t really know which criteria are important in the complex process of choosing the perfect local to order pizza, but-“ She had to stop talking in order to prevent her teeth from clattering, pressing her jaw together hardly.

“Are you cold?” Samuel looked at her quivering hand in which she held the phone.

“Yeah, it’s just the withdrawal. It’s normal.”

Carla immediately regretted her last sentence.

_Could you sound even more like a drug expert, you idiot?_

She urgently hoped the delighted atmosphere they had in the last couple of minutes wouldn’t change into Samuel worrying again. So, before he could say anything, she intervened.

“I think I’ll take a short bath to get heated up again, and you’ll do some pizza research in the meantime, okay?” She tried to sound a little funny, too.

“I don’t know if I’m able to take responsibility for something that is so important like finding the best pizzeria in London, but I’ll do my best. What kind of pizza do you want?”

“Hawaiian” Carla answered, already standing up.

“Pineapples on pizza?” Samuel asked skeptically.

“I like the contrast.” She said, walking out of the room. 

Carla let herself sink into the hot water. She immediately relaxed as the heat invaded her cold skin, the temperature difference causing it to burn in a way that was on the verge of pain. Other people would’ve hopped out of the bathtub in three seconds again, but to her, the temperature felt just right.

As she laid there, she almost forgot that _he_ was there. Not more than a few meters away. For a very short moment, Carla was scared that he’d be gone when she came out of the bathroom again. That it was all just a dream. Because it still felt unreal to her that Samuel was actually here with her, that they met at that party on pure accident, that she slept in his arms last night.

Carla was so glad that he came over today, although it may didn’t look like it at first. But now that they’d talked and she realized that Samuel understood her and didn’t seem to be too mad at her, she felt something she hasn’t felt in a very long time. It was hope.

On the other hand, the thought of him leaving again scared her. It scared her because she was afraid he would take her new developed feelings with him. That her hope would be gone again when he was back in Spain. Although he promised to help her and she trusted him that he would, she couldn’t really imagine how that should work. With him in Madrid and her in London, hundreds of kilometers apart, occupied with two completely different lives. And Carla knew that she herself had told him that she wanted him to go back to Spain, but in reality she wanted nothing more than to spend every living minute with him.

Carla’s thoughts were interrupted by a knock on the bathroom door.

“Hey Carla, the pizza is here.”

 _Shit, how long was I in here?_ She thought, already standing up and grabbing her towel. The bath really did her well, she already felt much better and her body temperature seemed to be back to normal.

“I’m coming.”

As Carla came back into the living room, she looked much better than before. She had her hair tied up into a messy bun and wore a long-sleeved satin pajama in a creamy color with a golden shimmer. The soft colors fit her so much better than the black outfit she wore before, underlining her blonde hair and peachy skin tone.

“Do you want a glass of water?” She asked, standing before Samuel who now sat on one of her chairs at the dining table with the pizza cartons right next to him.

“Yeah, I didn’t know if we ate at the table and if I should get plates because otherwise I’d have prepared something already-“

“Where else do you want to eat when not at the table?” Carla asked confused. “In the hallway? On the balcony?” She laughed a little.

Samuel looked over to the couch for a second, shrugging a little.

Noticing his gaze, she knew what he’d thought of. “Ohh you mean the couch?”

If Carla was honest, she never ate on the couch. She was used to sitting at a table to eat, the plate and cutlery neatly placed before her, a napkin resting on her thighs. But the thought of getting comfortable on the couch, snuggled into a warm blanket with Samuel next to her, convinced her immediately.

“Let’s see if you made the right choice.” Carla said as she took the first bite of her pizza. “Mhmm, yes, that’s definitely good.” She closed her eyes for a second, enjoying the feeling of finally eating something again. Her appetite was back now, and she was sure she could eat the whole thing in less than ten minutes.

“It’s not too bad.” Samuel nodded smiling, also chewing on his first bite of pizza.

After a few minutes of silent eating, Carla decided it was time for her to catch up on Samuel’s life now.

“We spoke so much about my life now, but I haven’t asked you how you are yet. So, how’s it going in Madrid?” Carla looked at him curiously.

“It’s okay. School is pretty boring. Fortunately, there’s not much happening besides the usual rumors. But it’s different without you and the others. I have no one to stare at in class anymore.” Samuel smiled cheekily at her.

“There are no hot girls in your new class?” Carla asked, also smiling.

“Not as hot as you.”

“We both know that’s not possible.” She said in a played arrogant tone before breaking into a smile again.

“And what about your work? You still work as a waiter, don’t you?” 

“Yes, it’s-“ Samuel exhaled, “pretty stressful, to be honest. My boss makes me work four times a week and sometimes I have to work until 1 in the morning, which is a little unfortunate on school days.”

“That really sounds stressful. Isn’t there any option that you work less?”

“Not if I still want to come up with the rent for my apartment every month.”

“You still live alone? What about your mother?”

“She’s still in Morocco. I know she wants to come back but she’s afraid that Nano will get on the wrong track again when she leaves him alone there. I’ve already told her that he is a grown man and has to take care of himself, but it didn’t convince her. Though right now things are good with him, we all know how fast that can change.” Samuel looked a little sad now.

Carla wanted to hug Samuel after he said that, but the pizza carton in her lap blocked her from doing it. Instead, she put a hand on his shoulder, massaging it softly.

“Maybe she just needs more time. Until she can be sure that he won’t get into trouble again. She must be so proud of you for taking so much responsibility for yourself. And I am, too. I don’t know how you do it if I’m honest. School, work, having your life under control after everything that happened. I wish it were that easy for me, too.”

Samuel smiled softly at her, touched by her kind words. “Thank you. At least it appears like this on the outside.”

Carla frowned. “What do you mean with that?”

“I don’t know. Sometimes I- I just get so angry. At everything.” He looked down onto his hand. “It’s hard to control, really. I feel so much anger and I don’t know why, even in the most random situations and-“ He closed his eyes tightly, leaning his head onto the backrest of the couch.

Although it made Carla feel guilty, she felt a little relieved that she wasn’t the only one having emotional issues. Maybe that was why he was so understanding with her, because he had something going on, too. It was just that while she internalized her feelings by destroying herself, he externalized them by destroying his surroundings.

Carla put the empty pizza cartons they had in their laps onto the small table in front of the couch, moving closer to Samuel so she could touch his face softly, smoothing the frown on his forehead with her thumb. She then placed a soothing kiss on his temple. The feeling of her lips on his skin after so long made her insides churn, not knowing that Samuel felt the same in this exact second. He opened his eyes slowly, looking at her with a serious expression.

“Better now?” She asked quietly, noticing how the look in his dark eyes began to soften.

“I’m still angry” he whispered.

Carla moved closer to him again, pressing her lips onto his cheek this time.

“How about now?”

“A little bit less” the tiniest smile formed on his lips, and Carla was sure it was out of anticipation for what was about to happen, because she felt it, too.

As she pressed a kiss onto his lips this time, she was so overwhelmed by the feeling she nearly forgot to breathe. After a few seconds, she pulled away slowly.

“What about now?” She asked, her face only millimeters away from his.

But Samuel didn’t plan on answering her. Instead, he put his hand on her neck, pulling her into his lips again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. I know the pineapple-on-pizza topic is a risky one but I had to bring it up because it fits into the plot, so I hope it didn't stress you out too much :D (btw I'm definitly team pineapple)


	16. Desire

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! 
> 
> I decided that I couldn't leave you hanging with that cliffhanger from yesterday, so I wanted to update this chapter today before the frequenzy of my updates will decrease a bit.
> 
> And as you may have noticed I adapted the rating of this story because I wasn't familiar with the rating categories at first and didn't know where this story would go. So I just want to warn you that Carla and Samuel get it on in this chapter in case you're not comfortable with reading it (though it isn't really explicit at this point, but who knows what's about to come in future chapters?)
> 
> Have fun reading :)

Bring your love, baby, I could bring my shame  
Bring the drugs, baby, I could bring my pain  
I got my heart right here  
I got my scars right here

_Wicked Games - The Weeknd_

_Sunday, 4 th April, 21:32 pm _

Samuel had no words for what he felt as Carla kissed him passionately, moving her lips so perfectly against his that he lost all of his ability to think. _God, I’d missed her so much._

He felt her moving as she climbed onto his lap so that she was straddling him, cautious of not breaking the kiss while doing so. As she sat down on him, Samuel couldn’t help but moan into her mouth in a low tone, making her smile into the kiss.

“Good to know you’ve missed this as much as I did” Carla whispered against his lips.

“I didn’t miss _this_ ” Samuel broke the kiss, looking down at their bodies.

“I missed _you_ ” he brought a hand up from her waist to cup her face, noticing how Carla’s expression changed as she processed his words.

If there was a look that told the words _I love you_ , then it was the look Carla had on her face at this very moment. Samuel knew that she would never say these three words out loud right now, and that it would take her very long to say them to him at all, or maybe when things didn’t work out she would _never_ tell him – but for Samuel, knowing that she thought them right now was enough.

They didn’t need words to express their love for each other, although he could never get enough of telling her how much she meant to him. Because he thought that she deserved it. She deserved all of his love, everything he had to offer.

He felt it whenever she was near him. He felt all the pain she carried inside her heart, the bruises and wounds and scars that were left onto her soul by all the reckless people she’d met in her life. Or maybe they weren’t so reckless at all, they just thought she could take it, not even noticing the damage they did to her.

Because what bad thing could happen to her? She was Carla. Strong, ice-cold, manipulative Carla. She was untouchable. Nobody could do damage to her, right?

As Carla grew up, the stereotypes people had about her manifested themselves in the most brutal way possible. She wasn’t bullied or excluded, no, far worse, she was ignored. Nobody listened to what _she had to say_ , only listening to her when she said things _they wanted her to say_. And as long as she appeared as everyone liked her to be – the ice-queen, princess, marquise – they paid attention to her. But as soon as she was just _Carla_ , people turned their back on her.

But Samuel was determined to change that. He wanted all these stupid people to know how great she was, always trying to be there for everyone, sacrificing herself for her family and her friends – and suddenly he felt angry again. He wanted to scream at them for hurting her, to grab and shake them for not loving her enough. Because to him, it was unbelievable that someone could actually not love her for who she was.

As Samuel felt her lips on his again, his prior thoughts were immediately erased from his brain, every one of his senses focusing on her touch.

Carla kissed him slowly, parting his lips to deepen the kiss, and Samuel tasted the lightest trace of pineapple on her tongue. And even though he always was a strong advocate of putting pineapples on pizza, he began to love the exotic taste in this very second. Samuel couldn’t exclude that he would get himself Hawaiian pizza when he was back in Madrid again only to remember the sweet taste of her lips.

Carla’s hands slowly wandered down his chest, leaving a feeling of emptiness behind on the sides of his face where they were roaming before. He felt her pulling at the hem of his black t-shirt, wanting it off him.

"Carla, wait” Samuel stopped her, taking her hands away from his body. “Don’t you think we should wait a little?”

“Wait for what?” She furrowed her brows in a confused way. “Samuel you’re leaving again in a few days, we have no time to wait.” Carla almost pleaded. For a second, she was embarrassed at how desperate she sounded, but then she didn’t care anymore. Because it was true, she really was desperate for him. She didn’t _want_ him, she _needed_ him.

“I know. I just thought that… “ His words faded away as Samuel looked down slowly. How could he say it to her?

“What? What is it, Samuel?” Carla brought her hands up to his face again, forcing him to look at her.

“I just want you to know that I’m not just here to sleep with you. I don’t want you to feel forced to have sex with me in order to keep me by your side. It’s not that I don’t want to have sex with you – trust me, I really do. But I just want to give you some time to process everything.”

“What on earth should I process?”

“The thing with Yeray, for example.”

“God Samuel, I didn’t tell you this so you’d have a new topic to worry about.” She swung her leg over his body, getting off of him. “I _have_ processed everything. I’m fine, okay?”

_He can’t be serious_ , Carla thought as she sat next to him with her arms crossed over her chest. _All the time girls complain about guys only thinking with their dick while I sit here and wish that Samuel would think with his just one time._

“Are you sure that you’re fine?” He asked quietly, not being able to hide the skeptical expression on his face.

“What if I told you I’m not? Would you force me to stay abstinent for the rest of my life? Put me into a fucking convent so I could live as a nun?”

“Carla, come on –“

“I can have sex whenever _I_ want, Samuel. I don’t need your permission.”

“Well, if you want to sleep with _me_ , you surely need it.”

“Fuck you, really.” She still had her arms crossed over her chest, stubbornly staring onto the black tv screen that was before her.

“Hey, I only do this for you. If I’d only thought of myself then I would’ve already –“ Samuel broke off his sentence, realizing the words he had phrased inside his head would sound too harsh if he said them out loud.

Carla immediately took advantage of that.

“What would’ve you already done?”

“Nothing.” Samuel began to blush, scratching his neck.

Carla bit her lip in anticipation, that’s going to be so much fun to her.

“Tell me, Samuel. I already told you a lot of the things going on inside in _my_ head. Don’t you think it’s time for you to reveal _your_ secrets now?” She turned to him, scooting closer.

Samuel got even more nervous as he realized she had him in her fangs now.

“I just wanted to say that if I’d only thought of me, then I wouldn’t have asked you if you were comfortable with it.”

“No no no, I don’t think that’s how you said it. You said _you would’ve already…_ What is it? Tell me.” Carla did her best to lower her voice into a seductive tone, smirking at how he desperately thought of an excuse.

“I would’ve already…took your shirt off?” The questioning and insecure tone in his voice nearly made Carla laugh. She knew that he wasn’t as innocent as he always acted, and she really asked herself why he worked so hard on keeping that image up.

“We both know that’s the wrong answer.” She climbed onto his lap again. This time, she wouldn’t let him shake her off.

Samuel inhaled sharply. She was just too much.

Carla leaned into him, biting his earlobe teasingly before continuing her torture. “You can whisper it into my ear if you want. Tell me what you wanted to do with me.”

Samuel decided to change his tactic, turning his head and kissing the corner of her mouth softly.

Carla immediately evaded the touch of his lips, sitting up again.

“I want you to talk to me, not to kiss me.” She demanded, grinding her hips against his which made Samuel moan and close his eyes instinctively.

“You’re such a tease.” He complained with a strained look.

“It’s your own fault, Samu. You shouldn’t have turned me down. But I’ll be gracious. I’ll give you one last chance to tell me.”

“What happens if I don’t take it?” He stared at her provocatively.

Carla leaned in on him again, brushing her lips against his and lightly sucking on his bottom lip before biting down on it hard.

“I don’t think you’d want to find out.”

The pain shooting through his lip made Samuel’s heart beat even faster. He did his best to tone down the moan that wanted to escape his lips, but the whimper that left his mouth instead didn’t make him seem very resistant.

“Fine.” He exhaled shakily. “I wanted to say that if I only thought of myself” He sat up straight to reach her neck with his mouth, grazing her delicate skin with his teeth. Two could play this game.

Carla’s eyes immediately fluttered shut, but fortunately she was much better in hiding her pleasure, successfully suppressing her moan.

“then I would’ve already fucked you the minute you came out of that bathroom.” He bit down on her neck again and this time Carla couldn’t hold back her moan, squeezing her eyes shut and biting her lip as she felt his teeth sink into her skin.

Carla felt his hands on her waist now, his fingers slipping under the hem of her shirt, massaging her skin.

“Do you really think I haven’t noticed that you wear nothing beneath this?” He ran his hands up her spine as to confirm that he was right.

“I forgot to put my bra on. I was in a hurry.” Carla smirked at her obvious lie, searching for his eyes.

Samuel looked at her, too, and the love Carla found in his eyes was overwhelming. Even now when he was obviously turned on, he still managed to look at her like she was the most precious thing he ever saw.

He then opened the first button of her pajama, softly kissing the newly revealed skin between her breasts. “Are you sure you want this?”

Carla nodded at him.

“Make love to me, Samuel.” She said, grabbing a fistful of his hair as he continued to unbutton her shirt and kiss her chest.

At first, she was annoyed at how _slow_ he kissed her, how much time he took for undressing her, worshipping every new inch of her skin with his lips. But after a few minutes of feeling tortured, she relaxed under his touch. She always imagined it to be fast and rough if they ever had sex again, both too needy to care for anything else, but in reality, it wasn’t.

Although Carla seemingly enjoyed his appreciation of her, she was more than ready as he finally was on top of her, his naked and warm body hovering over hers as he searched for permission in her eyes one last time. As Carla encouraged him with the slightest nod, Samuel let himself sink into her in a – of course – painfully slow motion.

Carla kissed him roughly, not being able to contain all the energy she felt flowing through her body as he thrusted into her again and again.

And she hoped so much that he would understand her kisses, would decipher what she wanted to tell him with the way her mouth melted into his: _I love you, Samuel._

As he broke the kiss to look down on her meaningfully, the moving of his hips becoming slower, Carla knew that he did, that he understood her.

She brought a hand up to strike a strand of dark sweaty hair away from his forehead, then gently caressing his cheek that was blushed with lust as she stared into his eyes, nearly being hypnotized by the intensity of them. As her gaze finally fell onto his rosy lips, already swollen from her kisses and gentle bites, she took a fistful of his hair and pulled him in again.

“Deeper, Samuel.” She now instructed him, bending one of her legs up to create a better angle.

He was more than happy to obey her wishes, burying himself into her as he felt her tighten around him.

“Carla, I’m gonna –“ he spoke hoarsely, the feeling taking over his brain making him unable to form any more words.

“Me too, don’t stop.” She whispered as she held onto his shoulders tightly, waiting for an indescribable wave of pleasure to take over her.

As she was coming down from her high, Carla put a hand up to massage Samuel’s scalp softly. His head was resting on her chest and his eyes were closed shut as he tried to steady his breathing and slow down his wildly hammering heart.

“Do you want to stay the night?”

Samuel’s heart sped up again at her question because it was the first time Carla asked him to _stay_ , and not to go away or leave her alone. He turned his head back so he could look at her, not being able to hide the smile on his face.

“Yes. I’d love to.”

“As long as Guzman isn’t missing you yet” she then spoke. Carla felt a little bad for spending so much time with him when actually he was on vacation with his best friend.

“No, he already assumed that I wouldn’t come home tonight.” Carla swatted Samuel’s shoulder lightly at that.

“And he went out to eat something with Luke. I told him I’ll be back for breakfast tomorrow, which is at 9.”

“Okay, I have a lecture at 10 so that should work.”

Carla and Samuel both knew that they’d be very tired in the morning as they started their second (and third) round of sex in Carla’s bedroom, but in that moment, there wasn’t a thing the two of them could care less about.


	17. Pillow Talk

I don't care if it hurts  
I wanna have control  
I want a perfect body  
I want a perfect soul  
I want you to notice  
When I'm not around  
You're so fuckin' special  
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep  
I'm a weirdo  
What the hell am I doing here?  
I don't belong here

_Creep – Radiohead_

(though I recommend you the version of Kina Grannis because it was the song I had in mind while writing this chapter. And as a side-note: Creep is one of my all-time-favorite songs 😊)

_Monday, 5 th April, 6.12 am_

As Carla woke up, it was still dark in her room. Not a hint of daylight was coming through the fancy curtains that covered up her windows. Because the building was pretty old, her apartment had high ceilings and big windows which were probably the two things she liked the most about it.

As her eyes began to adjust to the darkness, she immediately used her newfound ability to look at the boy sleeping right next to her.

They were both laying on their sides, facing each other, and Samuel had his head rested on his hands, a peaceful look on his face, breathing slow and deep.

Carla couldn’t help but bring her hand up to his head, softly touching his ear and crawling his scalp. She didn’t have the purpose on waking him up, but if he did, she wouldn’t regret it. Because under the given circumstances – both of them naked and cuddled into her warm sheets – they’d have no other choice than to resume where they’d stopped last night, and Carla was a big fan of Good-morning-sex.

Normally, she didn’t like to wake up so early. She was insatiable when it came to most things in life, and sleep was one of them. It’s not that she had a hard time getting up. When she wanted to, she could get up with the first ring of her alarm without a problem. But why should she stress herself in the morning when she could just turn around again and cuddle back into her soft, warm sheets? And her sheets definitely were soft. Egyptian cotton, to be precise.

But this morning, she couldn’t wait to get up. Every minute she spent with Samuel in a non-awake state seemed like a waste to her. Though one of her favorite things about him was the calming effect he had on her, making her feel completely at peace even when the whole world came crushing down on her, right now his presence just made her feel restless.

This was probably supported by the fact that she knew he’d leave in a few days, and they still hadn’t talked about how things should continue between them. Would they just stay friends? Would they try to have a long-distance relationship? Would they even be able to stay in contact? Carla had no idea, and she wasn’t sure if Samuel had one.

“Hi” Samuel looked at Carla, squinting his eyes at her. “Why are you awake so early?”

His raspy voice turned her on so much she could jump right onto him again. But she decided to give him a few minutes.

“Your snoring woke me up.”

Samuel furrowed his brows and tried to suppress a yawn.

“I never snore. I haven’t been awake for two minutes and you’re already teasing me?” He mumbled, closing his eyes again.

Carla moved closer to him, resting her head on his pillow so close to his face that their noses were nearly touching.

Samuel opened one of his eyes slowly, only to close it again as he saw her staring at him. “You’re a creep.”

Carla chuckled at his teasing tone.

“I love you too, Samuel.”

_Fuck._

Her eyes immediately widened as she realized the words that just came out of her mouth.

Samuel needed a second before he processed what Carla just said. He still had his eyes closed, which was good, because in this way they couldn’t give away what he thought at that moment. And that was a lot. His thoughts were racing with hundred kilometers per hour, he was wide awake now.

He couldn’t believe that she actually said it. He had the urge to jump out of the bed, rip the curtains away and open the windows to scream it onto the street for everyone to hear:

_She told me that she’s in love with me!_

Then he would run back to her, pick her up and spin her around, making her squeal with excitement.

_I love you too, Carla. I love you, I love you, I love you._

But although she just confessed her love to him, she was still Carla. And _how_ she said it gave away that she didn’t intend to do so. She said it accidentally. Samuel sensed it by the way her body tensed up next to him, her breath barely noticeable on his face anymore. And he too knew that direct confrontation didn’t work with her. So, there were two things he shouldn’t do under any circumstances: Point it out or tease her for it. And as much as he’d like to express his love for her with that exaggerated scenario he had in mind, he chose to not destroy the peace they’d built in the last couple of hours.

So, he just wrapped his arms around her warm body, pulling her into his side and softly crawling her back until she relaxed again. Then he began to pepper light kisses onto her forehead, her nose, her cheeks and finally her mouth. A wide smile spread on Carla’s face as he did so. Though she didn’t want to admit it, there was nothing she loved more than Samuel’s cheesy displays of affection. Deep inside, she was a hopeless romantic.

As Samuel let his lips rest on hers for a second, Carla took the chance to deepen the kiss. She climbed on top of him while doing so, kissing down his jaw until her lips found the spot right under his ear that always made him melt under her touch.

“Don’t you think it’s a bit early for that?” Samuel halfheartedly protested. After he’d digested the _I-love-you-shock,_ tiredness had taken over his body again.

“What time is it, anyway?” He mumbled before letting out a low moan as Carla began to suck on his sweet spot.

“About six thirty or something.” She answered before occupying her mouth with kissing his neck again.

“And since when do you wake up so early? Did I miss something?”

Carla sat up on him, and Samuel felt that she wanted him again as she did so, her legs spread over his bare stomach.

“Since a forbidden good-looking guy that I desperately want to fuck sleeps next to me, I think.”

Samuel sat up at that, readjusting their position so he could lean his back against the headboard.

“But this time, you’ll do the work. I’m far too tired to –“ Samuel’s words were caught in his throat as he felt how she lowered herself down on him already, immediately beginning to move her hips in a circular motion that made his head spin – and hers, too.

_Monday, 5 th April, 7.56 am_

“What happened here?” Carla pointed to the purple bruise on her bicep.

After Carla had expressed her love for Samuel both verbally and physically (though she was more comfortable with the physical way), they both had fallen onto her sheets again in a mixture of satisfaction and exhaustion. By now, the sun was peaking through the curtains, lighting up the bedroom.

“You don’t remember?” Samuel whispered, carefully stroking her arm.

“No.” Carla shortly thought about not telling him that she’d blacked out, but then again, she didn’t find the strength to lie to him again.

“Honestly, I don’t remember anything that happened after we left Luke’s party.”

“But you did discover the 300 selfies you took with Guzman on Snapchat? And the 50 extremely close-up pictures you took of my eyes to prove I had the longest lashes in the world?”

Carla suppressed a giggle at that, immediately grabbing her phone from the nightstand to look at the gallery. She indeed hadn’t seen them until now.

“Oh my god.” She hid her face in her hands after throwing her phone away again with an amused but embarrassed expression.

“And the bruise was caused by me, to be honest.” Samuel’s tone was more serious now, the unpleasant memory coming back to his thoughts.

Then, he told her everything. From her wanting to call the room service, to the balcony-fight and Guzman coming as their savior, from filling up the vodka bottle with water to the corny compliments she’d told him. Carla carefully listened to his narration, laughing at funny points and getting thoughtful at more serious moments.

“And you asked me if I think that you’re evil.”

Carla looked down on her hands. They both sat next to each other leaned against the headboard, halfway covered by her bedsheets.

“What was your answer?” She asked quietly, not looking up.

“That I don’t think you’re evil, of course.”

Samuel scooted closer to her, cupping her cheek and placing a gentle kiss on her forehead.

“And that I think you just were in the wrong place on the wrong time, getting involved in things you shouldn’t be involved in. That none of this is your fault alone. That you just wanted to protect your loved ones.”

She looked up at him with her big green eyes.

“But that’s what they say about me. That I’m evil. Or a psychopath. That I have no heart.”

“Who said that?”

“Everyone in school back then. People always think that I don’t notice what they say about me behind my back, but I do.” She gave the lightest shrug. “And Guzman said it, too.”

“Carla –“

“He said that I’m a ice-cold bitch, or evil bitch, or I don’t know what else he called me. Lu told me. She’s not very empathetic when it comes to things like this, and she probably thinks I don’t care. She didn’t even tell it to me in a serious conversation, she just dropped it by while we were out for a coffee. As if it was nothing that the people I called friends for most of my life assumed that I was a bad person.”

“I’m sure he didn’t mean it. He was out of his mind after Marina died.” Samuel’s heart clenched as he thought about the words he was going to say next. “And in the end, you indeed were involved in the murder of his sister.”

Samuel tried to take her hands, but she flinched at his move, avoiding his touch by bringing them up to her chest.

“This has no sense, has it?”

“What?”

“You being here. The both of us having contact again. Having sex again. I was involved in the murder of your best friend’s sister. That’s way too fucked up. I can’t get back into your group of friends with everything that has happened before. Even if things between _us_ would magically work, how should that go? Do you think we’d have funny dinner nights together? Until Guzman remembers that I covered up Marina’s death and throws his beer bottle at me?”

Samuel just stared at her. He couldn’t believe that everything was crumbling to pieces again. He felt his heart speed up in panic, he needed to say something, anything, that would comfort her and make her change her mind. He couldn’t bear losing her again.

“But Guzman is covering up a murder, too. And I am, too. We’re just as fucked up as you are.”

Carla closed her eyes tightly, not being able to look into Samuel’s desperate face.

“I came here to start a new life” she now looked at him again. “Do you think I moved to this fucking city just for fun? I wanted to leave things behind, to forget them. I just want a normal life. I want to go to university, to the gym, to parties with friends. To do the boring stuff everyone does!”

Samuel flinched as she raised her voice at the end of the sentence, and Carla was shocked of her sudden outburst, too.

“Yeah, and you do great forgetting everything, don’t you? Taking drugs every weekend until you black out! Why haven’t I thought of that grandiose solution for my problems yet?”

Before Carla could process what she was doing, she already had her hand raised in an attempt to slap Samuel in the face. But he was faster, stopping the movement by grabbing her wrist just millimeters before her flat hand hit his cheek.

“No, Carla. I won’t let you run away from me this time.”

Carla’s chest was heaving with furious breaths as she stared at Samuel. Anger and love mixing up inside her in the cruelest way possible.

“Let me go.” She demanded, trying to wriggle her wrist out of his tight grip.

But Samuel couldn’t. Her words only caused him to tighten his grip even further as he panicked at the thought of losing her again.

“I love you, Carla. More than words can describe. And you love me, too. I won’t give up on you. I’m sorry, but there’s no space for discussing that.” He quoted the words she told him last evening, and he saw how the hard look in her eyes softened.

Carla remembered the contract they made yesterday. And she remembered how good it felt to talk to him, to share her thoughts and fears with him. She remembered the hope she felt.

That was when she knew he was right. Although their lives were fucked up and they were both still suffering, having emotional issues and choosing the wrong ways to deal with them, although they loved each other way too much for it to be healthy and it wasn’t sure if they damaged each other even more or if they healed each other in the end, all of it could be justified. There was a simple explanation for everything: it was love.

Because there were so many fucked up love stories in the world, almost every fairytale consisted of horrible crimes, all of the 18th century novels Carla liked to read so much had questionable couples inside of them, even modern movies displayed these kinds of relationships – would it really be bad if there was one more fucked up love story in the world?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this chapter shows the ambivalence of their relationship and the feelings they have towards each other pretty well. On one side, Samuel calling Carla a creep (as a joke of course) makes her confess her love to him, on the other hand one of her biggest fears is that people call her exactly that - a creep (or psychopath, or evil bitch etc.).
> 
> Do you remember the scene were Carla pulls off her face mask in the first episode of season 2? It really reminded me of that scene from American Psycho (there is this video clip on YouTube called American Psycho Morning Routine in which this scene appears - don't worry, the clip doesn't contain any brutal scenes, it's just a morning routine, really). So basically I just wanted to share my thoughts on this resemblance and how it portrays Carla in the series because I never read anything about it until now and find it very interesting. This was just a little excursus on my thoughts while writing this. In case you're still reading, I wish you a nice weekend! :)


	18. Innocence

She walks into the room and all the lights  
Flicker violently  
Keep your head down  
No one makes a sound  
Her boots are made from souls of stronger knights  
Sitting silently  
She stalks her prey  
And no one gets away

_The Innocent – Mayer Hawthorne_

_Monday, 5 th April, 8.37 am _

Samuel still had his hand wrapped around Carla’s wrist as they sat in silence, staring at each other.

He tried to decipher what she was thinking, and whether his last argument had convinced her on not giving up again.

_Come on, Carla. Give us a chance. I know we can make it. I need you so –_

“Okay” she simply stated.

“What okay?”

“We’ll try. Whatever it is that is happening between us, we’ll try to make it work.”

Samuel exhaled deeply, her last words taking a big load off his mind.

_Thank god._

He let go of her wrist, and as soon as they weren’t touching anymore, Carla cuddled herself into him.

For a minute, they just sat there like this.

“Carla?”

“Hm?”

“Can I ask you something?”

Carla inhaled deeply. For now, she actually had enough of his questions. But if she said no, he’d probably ask her anyway. Stubborn Samuel.

“Go on.”

“What is…” Samuel lifted the sheets, grabbing something from underneath them, “this?”

Carla immediately felt how her cheeks got red as she saw that Samuel held up her stuffed animal. She totally forgot about it, and since she never had any visitors in her bedroom (she never took her one-night stands home and always slept at the guy’s places instead), the fact that there was a stuffed animal in her bed hadn’t bothered her much. Until now.

An embarrassed grin formed on her face as she tried to grab it from him.

“Give it to me, that’s none of your business!”

But Samuel stretched out his arm, holding it out of her reach. He couldn’t stop smiling as he watched Carla desperately trying to get the stuffed animal.

Eventually, she gave up.

“Fine. It’s my kitty.”

Samuel held the little animal in front of his face now, it indeed was a cat.

“I have it since I was born.”

“And you still have it in your bed?” Samuel said teasingly, though he found it utterly adorable that Carla slept with a stuffed animal.

Carla shrugged. “I found it again as I moved out, and I thought it would be nice to bring it along. It reminds me of home.” She now had a thoughtful look on her face.

“And then I didn’t know where to put it, so I just threw it onto my bed and well, since then it’s in here.”

“Does it have a name?” Samuel asked as he gave it to her.

“Kitty. Just Kitty.” Carla smiled. “I wasn’t the most creative child.” She chuckled. “I always wanted to have a cat, you know. But my father is allergic, so I had no chances to get one.”

“We had a dog when I was little.” Samuel now spoke. “I think he was a stray, nothing too fancy. But he died as I was about four years old, and because my father left us short after we couldn’t get a new one.”

“Do you want to have a dog again someday?” Carla asked. Though cats were her favorite animal, she found dogs pretty cute, too. Preferably small ones.

“Maybe. If I have time for it. But a cat doesn’t sound bad, too.” Samuel smiled.

Carla’s heart jumped at that, was he really speaking of a future they might could have together?

Immediately, colorful images came flashing to her mind.

Samuel and her sitting on a terrace in peace, having breakfast with freshly made orange juice and scrambled eggs on a Sunday morning, him reading the newspaper and her just sitting there with a cat on her lap, watching how the early sun rays were reflected by the light blue water of the pool that was placed in the middle of their garden. That would be perfect.

As Carla sat there occupied with her daydream, Samuel decided to check the time on his phone.

“Shit, It’s almost nine. I told Guzman I’d be meeting him for breakfast at nine.” He got up in a hurry, walking to the living room to get his clothes.

“Cute butt!” Carla shouted as he was walking out of the bedroom naked.

“Shut up!” She heard from the other room. “And thank you.”

Carla let herself fall onto her back with a smile on her face. She wished every Monday could start like this. Well, maybe without the dramatic conversation they had and the little fight that resulted from it, but the rest – waking up next to Samuel, having Good-morning-sex with Samuel, cuddling and talking about random stuff with Samuel – was just perfect.

Carla got up, too, and walked over to the dressing room that was masked as a normal wardrobe door in her bedroom. She walked in, going through her clothes. Carla’s outfits often represented her feelings, and on this morning, she chose a light pink skirt and a raspberry-pink pullover. Because that was how she felt – happy and in love.

“Wow, not bad.” Samuel came to stand behind her as he looked around in the dressing room.

Carla turned around with the clothes in her arm, smiling at Samuel. His hair was wild and he looked a little tired, though not the _I-need-4-cups-of-coffee-or-I’ll-murder-you-tired_ , more the _I-haven’t-slept-enough-because-I-was-occupied-having-sex-with-the-girl-I-love-tired._ And Carla was sure she looked similar.

“Is that how you wear t-shirts these days?” She raised her brows at his sight.

Samuel looked down on himself, discovering the little white tag sticking out of his collar.

“Oh.” He pulled his shirt over his head hastily, turning it so he wore it the right way round.

“I really need to go now, I’m sorry.” He walked over to Carla, kissing her forehead. “But we’ll see each other one more time before I leave, don’t we?”

“Yeah.” Carla smiled at him. “If you’re not too occupied with sightseeing.”

“I’ll text you.” He gave her one last peck on the lips before leaving her apartment with big strides.

_Monday, 5 th April, 9.34 am _

“I’m sorry dude, really.” Samuel greeted Guzman who already sat at a table in the restaurant of their hotel.

“I also slept in, so it’s fine.”

“I’ll quickly get myself something to eat.” Samuel said to Guzman who already had a plate full of sausages and beans in front of him.

After he came back from the buffet, Samuel took seat in opposite of Guzman. “How was your evening with Luke yesterday?”

“Funny, we had a good time. We were in a nice restaurant and after that we went to a pub. But we didn’t drink much since we both had a bit of a hangover yesterday.”

“Sounds good.”

“And your evening? Since you stayed the night, I assume it was good?” Guzman had a cheeky look on his face.

“Yeah, we had a nice evening, too. Ordered pizza, talked a bit, the usual stuff.” Samuel intensely stared at the food he was cutting on his plate while a wide smile began to spread across his face. He quickly shoved a big fork of beans into his mouth to hide his smile.

“You talked? Really, that was all?”

Samuel shrugged and nodded slightly, a new fork already on its way to his mouth.

“How many times?”

“What?”

Guzman rolled his eyes at Samuel’s secretive behavior. He leaned forward now, looking at him intensely.

“How many times did you give it to her? Or should I say how many times did she give it to you?”

“That’s a pretty private question you know.” Samuel’s grin came back. “But because you’re my best friend, I’ll give you an insight on my sexual life.”

“Oh come on Samuel, just say it already.”

“Four. Four times.”

“Yeaah man!” Guzman held up his hand to high five him. “That’s my buddy!”

Samuel high fived him weakly, not wanting to attract too much attention.

“Was it good?”

“It’s Carla, what do you think?”

“Dumb question, sorry.” Guzman smiled widely. Though he wasn’t the most thrilled about the fact that his best friend chose Carla out of all girls to have sex with, the joy of knowing he had a good fuck prevailed in this moment.

“You already look so much better.” Guzman said satisfied as he took a sip of his coffee. “That stressed look you had on your face the last weeks is completely gone now. I knew you’d only need a good fuck to get rid of it.”

“Actually, it’s more than just a good fuck.” Samuel was getting serious now.

“How do you mean that?” The blonde boy already had a bad assumption. If Samuel wanted to fuck Carla, it was okay for him. He couldn’t hold it against him, she was pretty hot. But anything more than that, no way.

“She told me that she loves me.” Samuel stared at Guzman, intensely hoping his reaction wouldn’t be too bad. “And I love her, too.”

“Samuel, please, don’t – she’s a siren. Like these Greek Mythology bitches. She’ll lure you in until you’re under her spell and do everything she wants from you. And then some day she’ll get bored and boom – she’ll drop you. But when she does, it’ll be too late. Because there’ll be nothing left of you by then.”

“That’s bullshit.” Samuel shook his head, appalled about what his friend just said.

“Is it? How long do you know her? Two and a half, maybe three years? I’ve known her all my life.”

“You don’t the real Carla.” Samuel said quietly, now staring at his plate.

“ _I_ don’t know the real Carla? Samuel, come on. Carla and I were friends ever since, and there was a time we got along really well. But there was always something going on with her, she was just – different. Even as a kid she was manipulative, and she’d always found a way to get what she wanted. And I’m not saying that I hate her, I somehow even feel pity for her. She never had it easy, being an only child with two parents that didn’t give a fuck about her. It doesn’t surprise me that she acts like that now. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be careful. She may look like she couldn't hurt a fly, but she's far away from being an innocent little girl that needs a rescuer.” Guzman’s voice had an empathetic tone now. “I’m sorry, Samu. I know it’s hard, but I just want to help you. She’s a total psychop –“

“Shut up!” Samuel yelled, causing the people surrounding them to look at them, an elderly woman shaking her head in disappointment before focusing on her plate again. Samuel exhaled shakily “Just shut up, please.” He said more quietly.

For a minute or so, they just sat there in silence, both staring at their plates.

Then, Samuel looked up again. “Nothing you say now can change my mind. I’ve already made my decision.”

“And what kind of decision should that be? The decision to let her ruin your life?”

“It’s not her fault her ex decided to kill someone.”

“Her ex didn’t kill _someone_ , he killed my fucking sister.” Guzman hissed heatedly, desperately trying to control his anger. “Polo was a wreck when he finally got out of the relationship with her. And even if Polo already had some issues before her, what about Lu? She was her best friend for many years, and she went mad, too. And if you don’t get away from her soon, you’ll be next.”

“No. I don’t believe that.” Samuel shook his head, but he felt himself getting insecure. The things Guzman said weren’t completely unreasonable, were they? In the end, he knew what Carla was capable of. And he’d be lying if he said it didn’t scare him a bit, too.

“You don’t believe that? Sounds really convincing.”

“But what would she get from luring me in? She wouldn’t have any advantages from it.”

“Not yet, but who knows what she plans next. You can never be sure what goes on in that psychopathic mind.” Samuel felt rage built up in his stomach at Guzman’s words. But he decided to stay quiet or else he’d blow up any second.

“Have you ever met her father? He’s dangerous. And she is just like him. The lengths she’ll go to get what she wants are – Samuel, just stay away from her.”

“And why would she move hundredths of kilometers away from me when she wants to lure me in? This doesn’t make any sense. It was her who didn’t answer to my messages anymore last year. _She_ broke off the contact.”

“Maybe she wanted to resume her sick games in a country where no one knows her. And then she met you again and you were an easy target.” Guzman shrugged, though deep inside, he wasn’t really convinced of his logic.

“And why would she take drugs? You saw her that night, she was out of her mind. You saw how she cried, she –“

“Samuel, everyone knows that you’re too caring for your own good. And she knows, too. Maybe she did it so you could come as her knight in shining armor because she knew she would get your attention that way. Maybe she knew that we were coming to that party all along and drugged herself, or maybe she wasn’t even drugged.”

“What about her pupils? You saw them. Did she fake that, too?”

“Okay, maybe she _was_ drugged but –“

“And how would she know that we were coming, we weren’t in the Whatsapp group until –“

“Maybe Luke had told her beforehand, or she spotted us in the crowd and was being spontaneous.”

Samuel shifted in his seat. At this point, he didn’t even know what to think anymore.

“Can we stop talking about this? I think I’ll just need some time to think about everything.” Instead of anger, Samuel now felt deeply disturbed. What if his friend was right? Was Carla playing games again? Was she dangerous? No, that couldn’t be. Or could it? The thoughts in his head were dizzying.

Guzman felt relieved at Samuel’s thoughtfulness. Maybe it wasn’t too late for him to get away from Carla. Because even though he somehow felt pity for her and didn’t wish her anything bad (at least not anymore), he didn’t want Samuel to have contact, or worse, a relationship with her.

He decided to distract Samuel a bit. In the end, he wanted to have a good time with him, not fight with him.

“I think it’s time for us to plan our day already, don’t you? Since it’s your first time in London, we should really go for a ride on the London Eye…”

_Monday, 5 th April, 10.41 am _

As Samuel closed the door to his hotel room behind him because he wanted to get a quick shower before they went off to explore the city, he took his phone out of his pocket to check the battery status. His heart sped up as he saw a text from Carla.

_10.20 am: “Hey Samu, I just wanted to say thank you for everything. I can’t stop thinking about last night and I’m already missing you like crazy. It’s hard to concentrate on what my professor says when all I can think of is you. Have fun in London today, don’t forget to pack an umbrella!_

After reading the message, Samuel threw his phone onto the bed and got into the shower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That's not an easy decision Samuel has to make now. Will he listen to Guzman's (admittetly conspirative) theory about Carla? Will he trust Carla? Looks like someone has a lot to think about...


	19. Dinner Time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again :)
> 
> So here comes the next chapter.
> 
> I shortly want to point out that I love the fact Carla moves to London after graduation in some of the other fics on here, too. Like London seems to be a city where everyone can imagine her living? I just chose it because I wanted it to be a big city in Europe that I've already visited so it's not completely foreign to me. But I do see her living there in a fancy area between big mansions, not far away from some buildings of the royal family.
> 
> Anyway, have fun reading! :)

And I can't help but stare  
'Cause I see truth somewhere in your eyes  
I can't ever change without you  
You reflect me, I love that about you  
And if I could, I would look at us all the time

_Mirrors – Justin Timberlake_

_Monday, 5 th April, 20.33 pm_

Normally, Carla didn’t care too much about her phone. Of course, she scrolled through Instagram too many times a day or did online shopping when she wasn’t supposed to (during her lectures, for example), but she didn’t care too much about the messages she got, especially since she was a slow texter, too.

But today, Carla couldn’t stop looking at her phone. And every time she unlocked it without having a message from Samuel, she felt her heart sink a little bit more. He’d read it at 10.41 am. Now it was half past eight in the evening and he still hadn’t replied. She’d even been at the gym to distract herself for the last two hours, but it didn’t work really well. Now, she sat at the edge of her bed, contemplating about texting him again or not. And Carla hated to double-text, mostly because she thought people who were not appreciating her texts enough shouldn’t get any extra attention from her. But then, she couldn’t stop herself. 

_Monday, 5 th April, 22.56 pm_

_“How was your first day of sightseeing in London? Do you like the city? :)”_

Carla stared at the last text she sent him roughly one and a half hour ago. He hadn’t read it until now. She put her phone onto the nightstand, switched off the small lamp and let herself fall onto her bed. She was extremely tired, but at the same time she couldn’t stop herself from looking at her phone every fifteen minutes, even when she had the vibration on and would hear it when she got a text.

_Why isn’t he answering? Has he changed his mind? Did something happen to him?_

The thoughts she had got more torturous from minute to minute. She felt a few tears escape her eyes as she laid in the dark silently. Eventually, she drifted into a deep, dreamless sleep.

_Tuesday, 6 th April, 3.14 am_

Carla woke up abruptly, her heart was racing and her pajama was damp with sweat. She couldn’t remember what she dreamt of, but apparently it had been a nightmare. Though nightmares weren’t new to her, she was more than slightly disturbed this time. She switched on the lamp on her nightstand and hastily grabbed her phone. She had two messages.

_23.41 pm: “Hey Carla, sorry for not answering you the whole day. We were very busy and I wanted to reply to you properly. We had a great day, we went for a ride on the London Eye and visited the Tower of London and the Big Ben. And then we’ve been at the hotel restaurant until now. I really like the city. I hope you had a good day as well and university wasn’t too boring? PS. I thought of you the whole day, too. :)”_

A wide, happy smile spread over Carla’s face as she read Samuel’s message. And the smile got even wider as she looked at the picture that was attached to it. It showed a pouting Samuel standing in front of the Big Ben in the rain, strands of wet hair falling into his face. He’d probably taken it in the afternoon because at that time it had rained for about an hour or so.

_23.41 pm: “Of course, I forgot to bring an umbrella.”_

_Tuesday, 6 th April, 8.28 am_

As Samuel woke up, the first thing he did was take his phone from his nightstand. He squeezed his eyes as he looked at the bright screen, a smile forming on his face as he saw a text from Carla.

_6.55 am: “No problem, I’m glad to hear you had a good day. I was at university and the gym yesterday – pretty unspectacular. And today isn’t going to be much better. I have a lecture at 8 am already, what an ungodly hour to learn about the foundations of strategic management. And I am SO tired. It’s a shame you’re not here to wake me up properly…;)”_

The thought of waking up with Carla immediately got Samuel horny. God, the effect just one text from her had on him was unreal.

_8.31: “Good Morning Carla :) I slept until now, so I definitely can’t complain about lack of sleep. But I feel with you, if we woke up together this morning you’d definitely be awake now, trust me ;) Do you have any plans tonight? Guzman and I am going to meet up with Luke and a few of his friends to eat something. You can come too if you want. I’d really like to see you again.”_

Samuel knew Guzman would be pissed about him inviting Carla, but the thought of not seeing her again before they flew back to Spain was worse than another discussion with his friend.

Guzman and he hadn’t talked about the tensed-up topic since yesterday morning, but after Samuel had thought about Guzman’s words the whole Monday, he’d decided that he wouldn’t listen to him. The arguments he’d brought up just weren’t strong enough to convince him otherwise, not with the things that had happened between him and Carla since Saturday.

Because she’d talked to him, opened up to him, told him that she loved him – and that was enough for Samuel to trust her. He _had_ to trust her, it was the only way things between them could have even the slightest chance of working. Trust needed to be the base of their relationship. Well, _if_ they decided to get into a relationship, of course. Samuel definitely would be up to trying it, even if they were separated by hundredths of kilometers. In the end, he didn’t really have time for an actual relationship right now, and he was sure that it wouldn’t get better when he started his law studies in September. He only hoped that it was similar for Carla, which he wasn’t so sure about.

_Tuesday, 6 th April, 13.11 pm_

As they were walking through London City, Samuel decided to drop the bomb.

“I asked Carla if she wants to come with us tonight.”

“You’re kidding, right?” Guzman looked at him in disbelief.

“I’m sure Luke has nothing against it. And one of Carla’s friends is invited, too. What was her name? Mary? Mandy? No wait – Michelle.”

Guzman felt slight anger at his friend’s stubbornness. But at the same time, he realized it wouldn’t have much sense to argue about it with him.

“Okay, if you want to destroy your life, go on. I won’t stop you. But don’t complain about me not warning you afterwards.”

Samuel felt relieved. His friend had given up on fighting with him. He still felt a little uncomfortable, of course. It was always nice when your friends liked the person you were with, but at the same time it just wasn’t realistic sometimes. Things weren’t always perfect, and Samuel had given up on trying to please everyone by now. He’d learned that being selfish from time to time couldn’t be avoided in order to find happiness – and love.

_Tuesday, 6 th April, 19.42 pm_

Tuesday couldn’t pass by fast enough for Carla. As she dragged herself from lecture to lecture, there was only one thing she could think about: meeting Samuel in the evening. And going out to eat. With him. With their friends.

The best thing about this was how casual it sounded. They were actually meeting up like normal people, it was probably the most normal thing they ever did together. And Carla loved the idea of a peaceful evening full good food and funny conversations with all her heart.

As she got home in the afternoon, she decided to relax a bit since she didn’t get that much sleep last night. She took a nap, chose something to wear (which wasn’t exactly easy) and took all the time she needed to get ready. And then she just waited, eagerly watching the minutes go by as she sat on her couch and scrolled through her phone.

They were supposed to meet at eight, but Carla arrived way earlier. Now, she had to wait for approximately eighteen minutes if the others didn’t come earlier, too. 

So, she just stood there on the sidewalk in front of the restaurant, watching the people that passed by. And of course, people were watching her, too. Carla in a fancy emerald green dress with flawless makeup and hair surely was a sight to see.

She may had exaggerated a bit as she chose her outfit since they were just going out to eat something (although the restaurant was pretty fancy of course), but she wanted to look good and, more importantly, feel comfortable. And the dress she wore now was one of her favorites. The green color matched her eyes perfectly, and on top of that the dress underlined her slim figure in all the right ways while still highlighting her feminine curves.

The great importance of comfort Carla felt as she chose her outfit was probably caused by her nervousness. Even though she’d looked forward to this moment the whole day, all she wanted right now was to go home again. Because everything felt so peaceful. A nice dinner evening with friends _and_ with Samuel. It was too good to be true. At that point, she started worrying.

_What if something happened? Or more exactly: What could be the worst thing to happen? What if Luke asked them about the school years after he left Las Encinas? What even had Guzman told Luke about the deaths of Marina and Polo?_

And then Carla knew why she was so worried. It was Guzman. Because she wasn’t dumb. She knew he wouldn’t be thrilled by her presence. And she somehow understood him, he had good reasons to hate her. Carla just hoped that Guzman held himself together for Samuel. She really hoped that the boy’s friendship was stronger than Guzman’s hatred towards her.

_Tuesday, 6 th April, 19.54 pm_

Samuels heart rate instantly sped up as he spotted Carla’s slim figure in front of the restaurant. He was walking next to Guzman and Luke, hardly focused on hiding his nervousness.

It wasn’t that he was nervous about meeting Carla. He knew that they understood each other and always had something to talk about. Everything always felt so natural when he was with her.

No, he was more worried of the setting – a dinner night with friends _and_ Carla, with a slightly pissed Guzman and – as Samuel had found out – a completely clueless Luke by his side.

Samuel had asked Guzman what Luke knew about the events at Las Encinas. And luckily, Guzman had told him the “official information”, namely that Polo had confessed to his mothers that he was Marina’s murderer, and that he died at the club shortly after the confession. And he told him that in the end the police had stated that it was most likely that he’d killed himself, even though no one was really convinced of that version. Guzman had intentionally spared out that Carla had covered up Polo, and of course he didn’t tell Luke that he was covering up Lu. Apparently, he didn’t want to make things any more complicated.

Although Guzman said that Luke wasn’t the most curious person and hadn’t asked further questions as he told him everything, Samuel was still afraid that he could accidentally ask something he shouldn’t ask tonight. It could be something completely harmless, but as soon as it had something to do with school, things could get out of hand. In the worst case, just one wrong sentence could provoke Guzman or make Carla insecure. And Samuel didn’t know what was more fatal – Guzman getting aggressive or Carla’s walls coming back up again. Speaking of selfishness, probably the latter. He knew that things between him and Carla were anything but stable, and that one false question could destroy everything in a matter of seconds again. At that point, Samuel cursed himself for inviting her.

_Why didn’t I see before that this could only go wrong? What even was I thinking? God, I’m such an idiot. And now it’s too late. Shit._

“Hey.” Carla greeted them in a reserved way. She hugged Luke and Guzman and then came to stand in front of Samuel.

_Well, this is awkward. Should I hug her, too? Should I kiss her? How can I be so unprepared, I knew that this situation would come –_

Samuel’s thoughts immediately vanished as he felt Carla’s soft lips on his. Though the peck she gave him didn’t last more than a few seconds, it was enough to completely mash up his brain.

“You look so beautiful” was the only thing that came out of his mouth as he was staring into her green eyes. They looked even greener with the dress she wore today, if that was possible in any way.

Luckily for them, Luke and Guzman already went into the restaurant, seemingly not very interested in standing next to Samuel and Carla staring at each other.

“Should we go in?” Carla asked as she realized Samuel would probably stare at her for the next ten minutes if she didn’t intervene.

“Yeah sorry” he snapped out of his thoughts, already walking to the door to open it for her.

“Uh, what a gentleman you are.” Carla smirked teasingly as she walked through the door.

“Always.” Samuel said, following her.

Guzman and Luke were already sitting at a large table right next to each other and Samuel took the seat facing Guzman while Carla sat down on opposite of Luke. There were three more seats prepared at the table since they were awaiting three more friends of Luke, two boys and one girl.

During the first minutes, it was safe to say that the situation was tense. Apart from Luke, all of them were very aware of the fact that there were two scenarios that could take place tonight: it could go well, all of them having fun, being engaged in interesting conversations and drinking a few beers (or glasses of wine), or it could end badly, with Guzman screaming at Carla and Samuel screaming at Guzman and Carla standing up to leave, blocking both of them on Social Media and disappearing forever.

As they were having their first round of drinks (yes, they were drinking again, but they were on vacation, so who cared? And for Carla, she had the excuse of calming herself down with the wine she’d ordered, even if its taste was an imposition to her), the three others joined them.

“Hey Carla, I didn’t know you were coming” Michelle said, taking the seat next to her.

“Samuel invited me. We still know each other from school.”

“Sounds good, nice to see you here. I always thought you were too busy for dinner nights during the week. Had I known sooner you’d be up for it then I would’ve invited you before.”

The genuine and kind tone in Michelle’s voice made Carla happy.

“I seem busy?” she wondered with a smile.

“Yeah, you always say that you go to the gym in the evenings. So I thought you wouldn’t have time for it.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I like going to the gym. But if I have to choose between torturing myself with a booty workout or going out to eat with friends then I’ll definitely take the latter option.” Carla said smiling.

“We also have a Whatsapp group” Luke spoke to Carla, referring to Michelle and the two boys whose names were Jack and Thomas. “If you want, we can invite you so you’re always up to date about the plans we make. But then you’re in for _everything_ , which means not only going out to eat, but to play billiard or a round of indoor minigolf from time to time” he winked at her.

“Sounds horrible, but okay.” Carla laughed.

“Don’t listen to him, nobody wants to play his stupid indoor minigolf.” Michelle shook her head at Luke.

“The fact that you lost by a mile last time doesn’t justify that you’re insulting this type of sport.” Luke said in a fake-offended way.

“Miniature golf is not a sport.” Michelle said, now turning her head to Carla in an attempt to whisper though she still spoke so loud that everyone could hear her. “He just likes it because it’s the only thing he’s good at.”

“Heyy!” Luke exclaimed in a funny way. “If you’re not careful then we’ll replace you with Carla, Michelle.”

The atmosphere at the table relaxed as Luke’s friends were joking around with Carla. Meanwhile Samuel chatted with Guzman and Luke. It was the first time he had a proper conversation with the British boy, and Samuel immediately found him sympathetic. If he didn’t know Luke was one of the rich kids, he wouldn’t have noticed it by his behavior. He was talkative, friendly and pretty quick-witted, all the while far from being mean or arrogant. And his friends seemed to be nice, too.

On one hand, Samuel was happy about the delighted mood at the table. On the other hand, he’d barely talked to Carla yet, which he obviously disliked. But he didn’t want to disturb her conversation either, so he planned on talking to her at the next occasion.

As the food was served, Samuel unfolded his napkin to put it onto his lap. While doing so, he felt a warm hand touching his. He looked down to see Carla’s fingers wrapped around his hand in a loving gesture, her thumb softly stroking his knuckles. Immediately, a small smile formed on his face. He squeezed her hand gently, not wanting to let go of it. As he looked up, he found her eyes resting on his face, the dim lights of the restaurants reflecting inside of them in a way that took his breath away.

Unfortunately, they had to break their touch in order to eat. They both had pasta and eating spaghetti with just one hand seemed to be a quite difficult task. In addition to that, holding hands while eating was a level of cheesiness that made even Samuel cringe.

Carla got more relaxed from minute to minute. The evening went quite well, and she was mostly occupied with talking to Michelle, Jack and Thomas. Although she knew the two boys from some of her classes, it was the first time she really talked to them. They immediately made her feel comfortable and the offer of inviting her into their group really touched her.

Because that was what she wanted for so long, having a group of friends to hang out with just for the sake of spending time together and not just for partying. And apparently, Michelle just had thought that Carla wasn’t interested in hanging out until now. Maybe it wasn’t too late for her to make some real friends here in London.

Carla couldn’t thank Samuel enough for inviting her. And she planned on properly rewarding him for that.

“Do you want dessert?”

“Sorry?” Carla turned her head to Samuel.

He was looking at her with his dark eyes, the golden shine created by the candles on top of their table contrasting the brown tone in the most beautiful way.

“Do you want some dessert?”

Carla raised one of her brows, a smirk forming on her lips.

“Dessert?” she asked in a low tone.

Samuel just nodded innocently, already grabbing the small dessert card the waiters just had brought. “They have mousse au chocolate, crème brulee, tiramisu –“

Carla leaned into him, lowering her voice even more.

“Honestly, I’d prefer a different kind of dessert.”

Samuel’s body stiffened at Carla’s words. She was in seduction mode again. This wouldn’t end well for him. And since he knew he didn’t have the slightest chance against her, he decided to play along. Luckily, the others were involved in lively conversations which reduced the chance that their little game would be detected.

“And what kind of dessert would that be?” Samuel asked, also quieting down his voice. He inhaled sharply as he felt her hand on his knee under the table.

“I don’t know”, she let her hand slide up his thigh, “maybe something more…creamy.”

Samuel lost it at that, dirty talk just wasn’t one of his strengths (not yet at least). He let out a chuckle, desperately trying to prevent his laughter as he grabbed his beer glass to keep his mouth occupied with something other than the dumb grin that wanted to form on his face.

“Oh, come on Samuel” Carla complained, although she had to laugh a little, too. “You’re no fun, do you know that?”

He turned to Carla again. “ _Something more creamy_? Do you really expect me to stay serious at that?”

“I don’t know, it was the first thing that came to my mind. What other thing was I supposed to say?” Carla was laughing now, too. “That I want nutty flavored ice cream?”

Samuel shook his head, suppressing his laughter so he was able to speak. “Do you want to know what I want?”

Carla shook her head curiously, already giggling with amusement.

“A chocolate soufflé.”

“A chocolate soufflé?” She furrowed her brows in confusion.

“Yeah, but one of those with a liquid center.” Samuel smirked at her.

Carla nudged his shoulder. “You pig!” She laughed.

“What? It was you who started this!”

Now, both of them couldn’t hold themselves together anymore.

“What`s so funny guys?” Luke asked, interested into their fit of laughter.

Apparently, they had failed miserably at not attracting attention.

But Samuel wasn’t capable of answering, nor was Carla. She felt little tears of laughter form in her eyes, and she thought about how it was the first time in forever that she nearly cried from laughing so hard.

“Nothing, Luke.” She finally answered, still grinning childishly.

As she looked at Samuel again who also had tears of joy in his eyes and clumsily wiped them away with his thumb, she realized that it were those moments that had been missing in her life. Being carefree, living in the moment, laughing out loud – and sharing them with the boy she was in love with.


	20. Head over heels

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, chapter 20 it is. I honestly never imagined that this story would get to such an extent when all I wanted at first was to write down a few Carmuel scenarios to stop them invading my thoughts when I had other things to do. But now I somehow developed such a passion for writing it's unbelievable (speaking of addictions haha). 
> 
> Also a big thank you again for all your kind words and feedback, it always makes me so happy :))
> 
> Have a great start into the weekend & have fun reading! :)

I bite my tongue, I bide my time  
You lick your lips, you drink your wine  
I keep on waiting, waiting in line  
For some kind of sign

I pretend that I don't notice  
But I know down deep inside

That I want a love like that  
Yeah, I want a love  
Strong like a heart attack

_Love like that – Mayer Hawthorne_

_Tuesday, 6 th April, 22.36 pm_

As the waiter brought the bill, Samuel internally thanked some invisible power that everything went well. Everyone of their group was in a good mood by the end of the evening, and that was only partly caused by the drinks they had, because most of the positive energy radiating between them was caused by the fact that they had so much fun together even though they’d just met a few hours ago.

Now, Samuel understood why Guzman still had contact to Luke – he and his friends behaved in such a welcoming and warm way he instantly felt comfortable around them. And what made him even happier was the fact that Carla seemed to have a good time, too.

Guzman also noticed that she’d behaved differently throughout the evening. The cold and reserved nature she had in the last years of school was completely gone when she talked to Luke’s friends or joked around with Samuel. He really didn’t expect to see her like this, as though some spark of that extroverted behavior she showed while being on drugs seemed to have remained. He secretly watched her the whole evening just to find some sign of inconsistency, something that would reveal her true intentions, but at the end he frustratedly had to admit to himself that there was _nothing._ Carla didn’t show the slightest hint of conspicuous behavior.

And he was unsure if he should find that reassuring or rather alarming. On one side, it could mean that she had genuine and good intentions with Samuel this time. The less fortunate option was that she put on a damn good act.

Anyway, at this evening Guzman finally realized he had not the slightest chance of getting him away from her. Not as he saw how Samuel looked at Carla with nothing but love in his eyes (and, what he would naturally never admit, as he saw that she looked at him the same way).

It were those considerations that prevented Guzman from intervening any further. And so it came that after they said their goodbyes and Carla waited for a cab with them as if it was the most normal thing that she was accompanying them to their hotel, he chose to just accept the situation and not comment it or point it out.

When they reached their hotel doors after actually having a decent conversation during the way home which made the situation less uncomfortable for either of them, they wished each other a good night and separated in peace. In that moment, Samuel thanked the invisible power that still seemed to work in his favor for the second time during the evening.

The third time he expressed his internal gratitude was when Carla lifted up her dress as soon as he closed the room door behind them, leaving her to stand in the middle of the room in nothing but her pearl-colored underwear.

Samuel approached her with big steps in order to not waist any time, grabbing her by her hips and lifting her up against the nearest wall. Carla let out a short squeal as he did so, expressing the mixture of happiness and excitement she’d already felt for the whole evening.

“Someone’s eager.” She stated, staring into Samuel’s dark eyes that were so full of lust it made her heart jump.

“I thought you wanted dessert?” He huskily asked, not waiting for her reply as he was already occupied with spreading hungry kisses onto her neck. Her skin was so warm and soft he felt like going insane, the scent of her sweet yet heavy and exotic perfume finally pushing him over the edge. He needed her closer, as close as it was possible, and every second they spent otherwise seemed like an agonizing eternity to him.

Carla opened her eyes as let go of her, every nerve in her body protesting the lack of his touch. But as she saw that he only put her down to get rid of his clothes, she felt a wave of anticipation rushing through her. She quickly opened her bra, throwing it across the room unnecessarily far as Samuel lifted her up again, pushing her against the wall.

“Hey, I wasn’t finished undressi –“ Carla protested, referring to the thong she still wore, now unable to take it off with her legs wrapped around his waist.

But before she could end her sentence, Samuel ripped the thin material off her in a hefty motion, the roughness of his action turning her on so much she nearly moaned out loud.

Carla never had something to complain about when it came to sex with Samuel. Though he was a little unexperienced as they’d started sleeping with each other, he was a quick learner and seemed to be a natural talent. And while verbal communication wasn’t one of their greatest strengths, their physical communication was all the way better. It always felt like he was worshipping every inch of her, the sweetness and passion with which he kissed and touched her never failing to take her breath away.

At the same time, it was safe to say that the rather rare moments in which Samuel became needy and rough in bed were on a whole new level for Carla. She couldn’t find out yet which buttons she needed to push exactly in order to get his wild side scratching the surface, more so, it seemed to happen pretty randomly, not too much depending on the mood he was in before. Therefore, she enjoyed it to no end when she was confronted with the rough version of him from time to time.

And Carla didn’t plan on calming him down. To the contrary, she kept pushing him further. She firmly pressed her mouth onto his and instantly teased him with her tongue. The answer she got from him was a low moan and his hands squeezing her ass tightly. She then broke the kiss and arched her back, pressing her breasts into his face. Samuel wordlessly complied as he resumed his passionate kisses there, grazing her nipples with his teeth.

“Just fuck me already.” Carla squeezed out in between the quiet moans she desperately tried to shut down.

As Samuel followed her order, pushing his hips up in a strong motion, Carla hardly bit down on his shoulder in an attempt to silence the pleasured outcry that left her mouth in that moment.

“Oh my fucking god.” Carla said in between shaky breaths, her forehead pressed against Samuel’s. “That was _so_ good.”

Samuel nodded slightly, still catching his breath as he stood there, his whole body shaking. He was afraid that he would let her fall down if he moved now, the previous physical effort making his limbs feel like they were made out of rubber. So, he decided to just stay in that position a little longer, until he felt capable of controlling his movements again.

“Will you let me down now or what?” Carla whispered huskily. Though she successfully shut herself up by biting Samuel’s shoulder (where she could already detect some light bruises), her voice still sounded somewhat drained.

He slowly backed off until she was standing on the ground again, and then rubbed the sweat on his forehead away with the back of his hand.

“I think I’ll take a quick shower.” He said, breathing heavily.

“Not your worst idea. I think I’ll join you.”

After their shower, which mostly consisted of discussing the right water temperature, they cuddled up inside the big bed, still naked and with a few water droplets remaining on their warm skin.

Samuel shut off the lamp on the nightstand, leaving them to lay in the dark. Carla’s head was resting on his chest and her arms were wrapped around his upper body.

He crawled her back softly as he stared onto the dark ceiling, contemplating on whether it was the right time to bring up the topic that was stuck in his head, and finally coming to the conclusion that there was no right time for the question he wanted to ask. Because it was so risky that it didn’t seem appropriate in any situation. It could always go wrong, no matter how good the circumstances were.

“Carla?”

“Hm?” Carla moved her head into his direction even though it was so dark in the room it wasn’t a great benefit for the attempt of looking at his face.

“How will things between us go on? I mean… when I’m back in Madrid and you’re still here in London..." His voice got quieter with each word, his insecurity so obviously showing he almost felt ashamed of it.

As the seconds passed without an answer from her, he cursed himself for his question.

_Why would I think she had an answer to this? Or why would I think she was actually interested on keeping this up? It was so stupid for me to think this could work –_

“I don’t know.” Carla spoke quietly, laying her head back onto his chest. She could hear the soothing sound of his heartbeat right under her ear, and she had the impression that it got faster with each second of silence. She didn’t want him to feel bad, but she really had no idea what to say. What does one answer to a question with such extent?

The truth should be a good start.

“I don’t want you to leave” was the simple statement that came to her mind as she thought of how to tell him the truth.

“I want to spend every minute with you.” She turned her head again, and this time she could actually see his eyes staring at her due to her own eyes adjusting to the darkness. “I want to wake up in your arms on Monday mornings and go out to eat with you on Tuesday evenings. I want to order pizza with you on lazy Sundays and take showers with you at midnight – that are way too cold besides.”

Samuel chuckled, relieved that she chose to talk to him instead of remaining silent. At the same time, the sad undertone in her voice made his heart ache.

“But I know that this isn’t possible. And you know that, too.”

 _No no no, don’t do this to me, Carla. Don’t do this to_ us _._

He wrapped his arms around her even tighter, a heavy feeling taking over his chest.

“I love you, Carla.”

_Wow, expressing your extremely obvious feelings again surely helps a lot with finding practical solutions._

Carla freed herself from his grip, though Samuel almost didn’t want to loosen it. But he couldn’t force her to stay with him, so he forced himself to let her go instead. He was almost sure that she would simply get out of the bed and leave now, so he was clearly surprised as she laid down again right next to him, her face resting on her hands.

“Samuel.” She spoke quietly, bringing up one of her hands to the side of his head. The touch he felt on his ear and cheek was so light he wasn’t sure if he just imagined it at the first seconds.

“What are we doing here?” She whispered so quietly it was barely noticeable.

 _Okay, don’t fuck it up again. Think of_ practical _solutions. Don’t confess any more feelings before it gets too much for her. You already have your second chance, she won’t give you another one._

“Do you want to try a long-distance relationship?” He nearly blurted out.

_Oh god, that’s way too fast forward. It should be practical, but not too practical._

He squinted his eyes at her as he vaguely saw her expression changing. He desperately tried to decode the look on her face in the darkness. It seemed to be a…smile?

“That sounds so dumb it could actually work.” Carla stated, her voice showing a hint of amusement.

“Is that a yes?”

“Will you write me love letters?”

Samuel couldn’t believe this was actually happening. He felt like the happiest man on the planet right now.

“I’ll write you thousands.”

And with that he pulled her in, almost incapable of kissing her properly because of the big smile that was plastered across his face. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally these two idiots got their shit together haha. It's almost too much for my Carmuel heart <3


	21. Seperation

If I don't say this now, I will surely break  
As I'm leaving the one I want to take  
Forgive the urgency, but hurry up and wait  
My heart has started to separate

_Look after you – The Fray_

_Wednesday, 7 th April, 12.41 am_

As Carla felt Samuel smile into their first kiss as a couple, she instantly had to smile, too. The comforting feeling of happiness that was warming up her insides made her feel like a whole army of butterflies just exploded inside of her stomach.

The 7th April, that was their day now. Had someone told her a week ago that she would get into a relationship with Samuel today, she would’ve declared him mad. On the other hand, she had to admit that the whole situation truly was a bit mad.

Because they’d met just four days ago after not seeing each other for about ten months and now decided to get into a relationship even though they lived in two completely different countries. And Carla couldn’t even exactly tell _why_ she said yes to Samuel’s rather risky idea of trying a long-distance relationship. It was rushed and unreasonable and reckless – but maybe she said yes precisely because of this.

Her whole life she was told to carefully think about her decisions and her next steps. _Think before you speak. Don’t let emotions take over your decision-making._ And most importantly _: Don’t let other people know how you feel, because they will use it against you._

But what if she didn’t? What if she discarded the cautions words she was raised with? The words she heard her parents say more often than the phrases _We’re proud of you. We’ll always support you. We love you_? What if she let emotions take over her decision-making? What if she revealed her true feelings? What was the worst that could happen?

Obviously, it was a break-up. Carla was aware of the fact that if this didn’t work out, she’d be absolutely devastated. And she was sure Samuel would be, too. But if they never tried, they’d never know, right? And going back to not talking again was no option for the both of them, and being friends or friends with benefits wasn’t exactly possible when they’d both already confessed that they loved each other.

In conclusion, this just _had_ to work out, there was no other option.

Because during the last days, she’d realized that her bad state wasn’t only caused by the guilt or loneliness she felt. No, more so, she had been heartbroken. And she didn’t even notice it.

She remembered how often she’d thought of Samuel during her first weeks in London, and how she forced herself not to think about him more and more back then. And it’d actually worked. Well, it worked as long as she kept herself distracted by affection from strangers and artificial happiness from drugs. But that would have an end now. Her will to quit was stronger than ever.

“Samuel?” Carla mumbled into the kiss.

He broke the kiss, his face only inches apart from hers. Though Samuel was always happy when Carla talked to him, right now he didn’t really want to talk. He just wanted to kiss her and never stop again.

“What?” He asked quietly.

Carla lifted herself up and turned around to switch on the small lamp on top of the nightstand. Then she sat up against the headboard, wrapping the sheets around her upper body. Samuel did the same so he could face her.

“Can you maybe not tell too many people that we’re…together?” Her voice was quiet and serious.

Samuel scoffed. “Wow, we’re together for approximately three minutes and now you’re telling me you don’t want anybody to know? Why?”

“Samuel, it’s don’t – it’s not that I don’t want anyone to know. It’s just…”

“What is it? Are you ashamed of me?” Samuel asked even though he knew that it was dumb. Carla never cared about their difference in class or social status. She was way too smart for that.

Carla closed her eyes for a second. She never planned on telling him what she was about to say now, but he wouldn’t understand it in any other way. And lying was no option anymore, not when they were in a relationship now. She knew it would only work out if they were honest with each other.

“Samuel, my relationship with Yeray wasn’t the only reason why I’d avoided you in the last year of school. Because as you may have noticed, I didn’t only avoid you, more so, I pushed you away.”

“Yeah, I definitely have noticed that.” Samuel stared at his hands that were placed on top of the sheets, fiddling around with his fingers nervously.

Carla took hold of them gently, stopping his movements.

“It was because of my father.” Now it was Carla who stared at both of their hands while Samuel looked up at her face.

“He thought you had a bad influence on me because you made me confess, and he thought that I was losing control because of you. So he told me to stay away from you or else –“ She furrowed her brows in a desperate expression, the corners of her mouth twitching ever so slightly. “Or else he threatened to hurt you.” She looked up at him with teary eyes. “Or kill you.”

“Fuck.” Samuel shook his head in disbelief. What the fuck was wrong with her father? Wasn’t it enough for him to prostitute her in order to safe his business? Did he really need to put her under even more pressure by threatening to kill the person she was in love with? Probably one of the only persons that were willing to help her? No wonder she had been desperate enough to do drugs, being stuck in a trap so perfidious.

“I just want to keep you safe, Samuel. I know that he has no reason to hurt you anymore but…I’m still scared.”

Samuel took her hands into his in a soothing manner.

“Nothing will happen to me, Carla. Okay?” He tucked a strand of blonde hair behind her ear and let his hand wander down to stroke her cheek comfortingly.

The tears in her eyes slowly disappeared, but her look remained worried.

“Do you still ride everywhere with your stupid bike?”

“What else am I supposed to do? There’s no bus stop at my workplace.”

“And what about a car? I could get you one as an early birthday present.”

“No Carla, you’re not getting me a car. Not now and not on my birthday, okay? I like riding my bike, and it’s better for the environment, too.” Samuel shrugged.

Carla couldn’t help but smile a little, this was such a Samuel thing to do, thinking of the environment instead of his own wellbeing.

“Your father won’t know it, okay?” He moved forward to press a gentle kiss onto her forehead. “We’ll have on of those secret romances. Like Romeo and Juliet.”

“You do know that both of them died at the end of the story?” Carla asked with skeptical amusement.

“What? They died?” Samuel was honestly surprised. “And why does everyone like that story so much then?”

Carla shrugged. “I don’t know, actually. It’s just another fucked up love story I guess.”

Samuel smiled at the amused tone in her voice before he got a little more serious again.

“As we’re talking of keeping each other safe right now, I have something that I want to talk to you about, too.”

Carla had an idea where this would go.

“I won’t take drugs anymore, I promise.” She tried to sound as believable as possible. She really didn’t plan on doing it again. And in the end, Molly didn’t cause a physical addiction, just a psychological one. So, if only her will was strong enough, she was sure could make it. And she definitely had a strong will as long as she was convinced enough of something. 

Samuel knew that even though right now her state didn’t seem all too bad, she could have a relapse as soon as something didn’t work out in her life. He thought of how often Nano promised him and his mother that he would stop his shady businesses, and somehow always got back to being involved in crimes after losing his newfound job again. 

“But what will you do then when you’re stressed again? Taking drugs is just a symptom of a problem that’s rooted way deeper.”

“You sound like a psychologist.” Carla looked down at their hands again. Though she knew he was right.

“No, that’s common knowledge. Or it should be, at least.” Samuel tried to bring out his next words as sensible as possible. “Have you ever thought of talking to someone?”

Carla looked up at him, her eyes widening a little. Her first instinct was to fight him, but then she reminded herself that he only wanted the best for her.

“Yes. Actually, I did think about it.” That was true, she had thought about it. For about three minutes, and then she’d decided that it would be too risky and that she probably deserved the shit she was feeling anyways.

Samuel felt a spark of hope. He’d expected her to be way more defending when he asked this question. “And then you decided against it?”

“Yes, because what am I supposed to say there? _Hello, I’m Carla, I’m having emotional issues because I covered up two murders and am passively responsible for my ex-boyfriend sitting in a wheelchair now. And on top of that, my father prostituted me to save our family business –_ those are crimes, Samuel. I may look desperate, but I still don’t want to end up in jail.”

Samuel shook his head slightly. “Psychologists underlie professional secrecy, and they need to protect your data, too. They’re not the police.”

Carla shifted in her seat. Could he be right?

“I don’t know…Do you think these rules apply even when it comes to murder?”

He thought about it for a second. “Yeah, I think as long as there’s no indication that one commits any more crimes, they can’t do anything about it. But I could look it up for you. Maybe it’s not the worst idea for me to get in touch with some laws already.”

Her heart warmed at his kind offer as he was looking at her with a reassuring smile.

“Yeah, maybe if I knew that it was safe to talk about it then I’d think about it again…” Carla trailed off, thoughtfully looking at their hands that were still intertwined.

“Come here.” Samuel opened his arms for her, and she immediately let herself fall into them, her head pressed to his warm chest.

“Thank you.” She mumbled before letting out a small yawn.

Samuel leaned over to switch off the lamp before laying down slowly.

“Good night, my girlfriend.”

Carla smiled against his warm skin. “Good night, my boyfriend.”

_Wednesday, 7 th April, 8.21 am_

Samuel was awoken by Carla turning around in his arms, humming quietly as she did so. He began to move his hand up and down at the small of her back, crawling her softly. He knew how much she loved this, even when she wasn’t awake right now.

There was already a hint of daylight coming through the curtains, which meant it couldn’t be that early. Apparently, Carla’s existence as an early riser didn’t last all too long. He felt her breathing out heavily in an annoyed way as she cuddled herself even more into his side, her nose pressed into his chest tightly.

“Good morning, sunshine.” Samuel whispered to her, kissing the top of her head.

“Fuck off.”

He chuckled at Carla’s fretful tone. But he couldn’t stop himself from teasing her a little more. “No need to be so mean in the morning.”

As an answer, Carla put her hand over his mouth to shut him up. After a few seconds, she felt something wet touch the insides of her hand, leaving her to quickly remove it.

“Eww Samuel. Stop licking my hand. That’s nasty.” She complained, laughing a little.

“Now you think my tongue’s nasty? I remember you saying the complete opposite not too long ago.”

Carla could hear the triumphant tone in his voice even though she still had her eyes closed. She rolled out of his arms and onto her back, now opening her eyes only to find him watching her. A dumb smirk was plastered across his face, though that couldn’t stop her from finding him absolutely adorable with his puffy eyes and his hair wildly sticking out in different directions.

“I can’t remember me saying that, actually.” Now it was Carla’s time to smirk. “I think you’ll need to prove it all over again.”

Samuel didn’t need to be told twice as he registered that she spread her legs under the covers impatiently. With that he rolled himself on top of her only to vanish under the covers a few seconds later.

After Carla had returned the favor to him, they were lying next to each other in silence. The delighted atmosphere they had before was gone now, because both of them knew that they’d have to say goodbye to each other soon. They didn't have much time left and the fact that the time always seemed to fly by when they were in each other’s company didn’t make it any better.

In the afternoon, Samuel and Guzman would fly back to Madrid because they had school tomorrow. Carla already wondered why they were able to go on vacation in the middle of the school year, but apparently they had job orientation days from Monday to Wednesday, and because both of them had already participated last year, their attendance was optional. And since both Samuel and Guzman knew what they wanted to do after school, they didn’t feel the need to attend a second time, telling everyone they’d prepare for finals in their newly won free time.

But the fun was over now, and tomorrow they’d have to face the serious side of life again. And so did Carla. She’d already skipped two of her lectures to spend time with Samuel, and she knew she’d have to rework the stuff on the weekend. The thought of doing university stuff made her breathe out heavily, only thinking about it stressed her out. And Samuel leaving again stressed her out even more.

“I’ll call you when I’m back home, okay?”

Carla nodded at Samuel, holding herself together with everything she could. She didn’t want to cry now, it was already hard enough for them without her having a breakdown.

They were standing in the middle of his hotel room. Samuel was meeting up with Guzman for breakfast in five minutes and Carla needed to go home and get ready for the lecture she had at 12.

“We’ll talk everyday, we’ll be fine.” Samuel stroked her cheek softly, the sad look in her face made his heart ache. He tried his best to sound strong and determined when in reality he felt the urge to cry. The thought of leaving the girl behind that he was in love with, combined with the thought that she’d might need him and he couldn’t be there for her, at least physically, was an extreme torture to him. He wanted nothing more than to look after her, but he knew he needed to take care of his own life, too. He couldn’t give himself up for her. She didn’t want this, and he didn’t want it, too. They both had to go on with their lives, and it wasn’t like they couldn’t take care of each other when they did.

Because by now, Samuel had realized that love wasn’t about absolute dependency and devotion, it was about bringing out the best in the other person, strengthening and supporting them to reach their dreams and goals in life. And though he knew that they both had their issues and their past relationship definitely had some destructive tendencies, he was determined to make it work in the right way this time.

“And I’ll visit you.” Carla tried a small smile, but she was sure it looked ridiculous when her eyes felt like the Pacific ocean wanted to emerge from them. “I’ll come to Madrid on May 14th, you need to take off from work that weekend, hear me? We’ll have a lot to catch up.”

Samuel chuckled at her remark, smiling softly. “Sure, I’ll make time. If you’re lucky there’ll be some macaroni in my fridge when you visit me.”

“I’d love that.” Carla felt her look soften, the thought of seeing him again in a few weeks calmed her down a bit.

They shared one last kiss – putting all the sadness, desperation and love they felt into it – before leaving the hotel room hand in hand. 


	22. One Week

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloo, my exam's done (it went pretty well I think) & now I have a life again :D But I'll keep up my actual update routine (every two days) because updating every day can be a little stressful at times.
> 
> As you will notice by reading, the time spans of the story will become a bit larger now, but the dates I put before every chapter/paragraph should make the narrative transparent enough for you.
> 
> Have fun reading :)

A thousand miles seems pretty far  
But they've got planes and trains and cars  
I'd walk to you if I had no other way  
Our friends would all make fun of us  
And we'd just laugh along because we'd know  
That none of them have felt this way

Hey There Delilah – Plain White T’s

_Wednesday, 7 th April, 10.13 am _

As Samuel sat down at the breakfast table, he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He took it out to find a text from Carla.

_10.14: Do you know what’s worse than the walk of shame? The walk of shame without wearing panties._

He immediately felt bad for ripping Carla’s underwear last night, he didn’t really think the consequences through as he did so. At the same time, he couldn’t help but grin at her text.

_10.15: Shit I’m so sorry! I didn’t really think about that yesterday. I’ll buy you new ones!_

He laid his phone onto the table, grabbing his fork to eat. After just one bite of his fried eggs it vibrated again.

_10.16: Haha calm down, I’ll survive it. I’m sitting in my cab already._

Samuel couldn’t help but grin again.

As he looked up from his phone, he found Guzman eyeing him skeptically.

“So, what’s going on between you two now?”

Samuel thought of a good way to break the news to his friend in order to not make him upset, but he couldn’t think of any other way to tell him despite with the words that were already formed in his head.

“Carla’s my girlfriend now.”

It was the first time he said it out loud to another person, and as soon as he said those words, a mixture of happiness and proudness took over him. He didn’t want to provoke Guzman more than necessary, but he couldn’t hide the beaming smile that took over his face.

“You two are unbelievable.” Guzman shook his head at first, but then he smiled, too. “I seriously don’t understand how you get along so well after everything, it’s insane.”

Samuel shrugged, relieved at his calm reaction.

“Honestly, I don’t know that, too. But when I look at her it’s like the past doesn’t count anymore, it’s just us in this moment and I-“ Samuel looked down at his plate sheepishly as he felt his cheeks blush. “I just love her so much.”

“Aww, someone’s getting shy.” Guzman teased him, ruffling through his hair. Then, he got more serious again. “I just hope you did the right thing, Samu.”

Samuel nodded. He hoped that, too. “I know I’d be unhappy for the rest of my life if we didn’t at least try to make it work. I’ve never met someone before I feel so comfortable around, it just feels so natural when we’re together, peaceful even. I know it won’t be easy, with the distance and everything. But I’m determined to make it work, and I think she is, too.”

Guzman nodded understandingly, patting his friend’s shoulder lightly. “As long as you’re happy, I’m happy, too. I’m just afraid that you’ll give up everything for her and not get anything in return.”

“Don’t worry about me, okay? I’ll be fine.” Samuel said, though he felt touched at how Guzman cared about him. “But please don’t tell it to everyone, Carla still has some issues with her parents and it’ll be easier if they don’t know about it.”

Guzman nodded, although it were exactly things like these that alarmed him. But on the other hand, he didn’t plan on spreading the news to anyone, especially to his or Carla’s parents, so he decided not to destroy their peaceful atmosphere all over again.

After they had breakfast and packed their suitcases, Samuel and Guzman went out to take one last walk through the streets of London before they flew back to Madrid again.

_Wednesday, 14 th April, 16.34 pm_

As Carla opened the door to her house, she exhaled deeply. After a long day at university, she was finally at home. She really looked forward to making herself a cup of coffee and relaxing a bit before she met up with Michelle, Luke, Jack and Thomas later. It was the first time Carla would meet them since they were at the restaurant last Tuesday, and she was excited to spend her evening with them.

“Good afternoon, Miss Rosón.” The concierge greeted her, as ever, in a friendly way.

“Good afternoon, Mister Anderson.” She smiled at him, reflecting his friendliness. 

“I have something for you.” The man said, already grabbing something that stood behind his desk.

Carla looked surprised as she came to stand in front of the desk. She didn’t order anything, and she wasn’t awaiting a new package with wine before the next month. But as she saw what exactly Mister Anderson had in his hands, she already knew who was responsible for the unexpected delivery.

“I always thought young people had no sense for romance anymore.” The man spoke, looking at the lush bouquet of flowers in his hands. “I think that proves me wrong.” He held out the flowers for her with a smile.

“Thank you.” Carla grabbed them with an agitated smile, holding the bouquet up to her face so she could take in the sweet smell of the rosy blossoms.

Mister Anderson was really touched at how happy the young woman looked as she walked to the elevator, her cheeks slightly flushed and a big smile on her face. If he closely thought about it, it was the first time he saw her like this. Though she was always friendly, he couldn’t get rid of the impression that she looked unhappy or even sad on most days. But since a week or so, something about her had changed. One time he even heard her whistle a cheerful melody as she entered the house, something she’d never done before.

_16.48: You’re so cheesy it’s unbelievable_

Samuel smiled at his phone. He just arrived at work and wanted to take one last look on it before his shift started in about ten minutes.

Throughout the whole day, he contemplated on whether Carla would like his gesture of appreciation, and if the flowers he bought online at a flower delivery store would look as good as on the show pictures. He’d spent roughly one hour to find the best service in London, reading customer reviews and comparing the prizes. In the end, he paid around 20 pounds for the bouquet and a little card with a short individual message on it.

_16.49: Is it too much?_

He put his phone onto the table and leaned back, exhaling deeply and turning his head towards the warm sunrays. He sat in the little area where he and his colleagues spent their breaks or enjoyed the last minutes before their shifts as he tried to get at least a few minutes of sunlight between school and work.

_16.49: No, they look so pretty! I can’t believe we’re not celebrating our one-week-anniversary together :(_

Samuel’s eyes crinkled with a smile as he read her text. That was what he’d wrote onto the little card. _Happy one-week-anniversary to us! I thought your dining room table could use some decoration :)_

With quick movements of his fingers, he typed his answer to her.

_16.50: It’s a shame, isn’t it? Instead, I have to celebrate between cocky restaurant guests and a chaotic cook who manages to burn every second burger patty he makes…_

It wasn’t long until his phone vibrated again.

_16.51: Aww now I have a bad conscience when I go out with Michelle and the others later…I hope your shift won’t be too annoying. And text me when you’re home tonight!_

There it was again. Though Samuel liked Carla’s caring gesture, he didn’t like the thought that she still worried about his safety so much. It seemed like his abrupt disappearance back in school and the following days of uncertainty Carla had to endure did some real damage to her. Samuel pressed his lips together, he still felt sorry for putting her through it back then. He remembered all the desperate texts she’d sent him as he hid in the abandoned house, and how her messages got more heartbreaking with every hour he’d been missing.

_Wednesday, 14 th April, 23.05 pm_

After six hours of balancing plates, taking orders and faking friendliness to get decent tips, Samuel was done. He stepped outside again, inhaling deeply as the fresh breeze hit his face. He closed his eyes for a second before taking out his phone for the first time since he started working. He saw that Carla had texted him again.

_18.30: I realized I didn’t even have a vase. So, I went to buy one and it’s safe to say my shopping trip escalated a bit…_

Samuel let out a chuckle at the picture that was attached to the message. It showed about four shopping bags, seemingly filled with home décor and even some plants. Besides being funny, the picture also had a wholesome aspect in his perspective. Carla seemed to get a little more comfortable in her apartment, which meant that something was changing for the better. The thought of her decorating her home, arranging and rearranging the things she'd bought until everything had found it's perfect place felt very soothing to him.

_Wednesday, 14 th April, 23.25 pm_

“Could you stop that, Carla?” Michelle looked at her with the slightest hint of annoyance.

“Oh, sorry” Carla forced her index finger to quit the steady movement with which it tapped onto the wooden table, creating a clicking sound every time her nail hit the surface.

The group of friends had met at around eight o’clock at the bar there were in now, spending the evening with finger food and a few drinks, though Carla had switched to water after one glass of wine. Unlike the others, she wasn’t used to drinking during the week, which seemed – as she found out – to be a pretty normal thing to do for students.

“It’s just that we have another rhythm.” Luke had explained to her. “University life isn’t like a 9 to 5 job. It’s pretty unsteady, you’ll have phases in which you learn day and night and then there are phases in which you drink during the week. It’s called a balanced lifestyle.” He lifted his brows and slightly shrugged before bringing his third London Mule up to his lips. Carla shook her head at his funny argumentation, though she had to admit that he somehow was right.

The evening had been funny, just like the last one they spent together, but by now everyone was getting tired. And as they were waiting for the bill, Carla got more restless from minute to minute. Samuel’s last text, in which he told her that he was on his way home now, came at 23.06. After she did the math, she came to the conclusion that he must arrive at home any minute now, leaving her to impatiently stare at her black phone screen.

 _Stop being such a control freak,_ she told herself _. Wanting to implant an GPS-Tracker to your partner definitely isn’t a sign of a healthy relationship._

She chuckled at her desperation. Of course, she was aware of the fact that her fear was mostly irrational, but it still crept its way into her thoughts somehow every time she knew he was on his way home at night.

_Okay, think of something different. You’re only making it worse by overthinking._

And even though she successfully suppressed the spiral of worrying as she was distracted with paying the bill and getting home, she couldn’t help but breathe out in a relieved way, pressing her phone to her chest as she sat down on her bed and saw his latest text.

_23.40: Sorry, I quickly got ready for bed before texting you. I hope you had a good evening? I’m going to sleep now, I can barely keep my eyes open. Sleep well my love <3_


	23. Date Night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloo :)
> 
> While doing lyric research for this chapter I rediscovered a band I used to listen to when I was about 15/16 and it gave me real fangirl vibes. I even saw them in concert one time and I really felt somewhat nostalgic as I heard their songs again, good old times haha. (No, lets be honest, I'm 23 now and I wouldn't want to go back to being my 15 year-old me).
> 
> So, you're gonna read the new chapter now and I'm gonna listen to every 5 SoS album I can find on spotify (and maybe watch some live performances on YouTube). Have a great day! :)

When we both fall asleep, underneath the same sky  
To the beat of our hearts at the same time  
So close but so far away  
Can you hear me?

_Beside you – 5 Seconds of Summer_

_Friday, 23 rd April, 19.22 _

“What do you mean you’re not coming to the party tonight? Remember the last time Olivia threw a party? We danced until five in the morning and had the time of our lives!”

Carla furrowed her brows and held the phone away from her ear at the high-pitched sound of Amy’s voice.

“I know we had a good time at her last party, but I just don’t feel like going out tonight” she sighed as she prepared herself for the protest of her friend.

“You don’t feel like going out? Is everything okay with you? Are you sick? Where even were you the last two weekends? Chloe and I missed you at the club.”

_Yeah, surely did Chloe miss me._

“No everything’s fine Amy, really. I just need some time alone, I’m feeling a bit exhausted lately. With university and everything.”

She heard her friend scoff at the other end of the phone. “What the fuck are you talking about, the exams didn’t even start yet! Come on Carla, don’t be such a party pooper.”

But even the pleading sound that Amy’s voice had now couldn’t convince Carla. Because she had other plans, and there was nothing in the world (well, maybe besides a natural disaster or something comparable) that could convince her to change them.

“Okay Amy, I’ll tell you the truth, but only because I know you won’t give up otherwise.” Carla closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I’m having a date tonight.”

Amy laughed out loud. “What the – Since when do _you_ have dates? I mean, it’s not like I don’t believe that you’d find somebody to date, it’s just that –“

“That what? That you’re used to me sleeping around with random guys?”

“Ohh come on, you know I don’t meant it like that. Sorry, I didn’t want to –“

“It’s okay Amy.” Carla could already spot her house as she turned around the last corner on her way home. “So, I won’t come tonight, okay? Maybe next time. I’m sure you’ll have a good time anyway.”

“Wait wait wait – you’re not getting away that easily. Just tell me who the lucky one is.”

Carla was happy that Amy wasn’t there to see the dumb smile that appeared in her face at that very moment. “His name is Samuel. He’s an old friend of mine – well, now he is my boyfriend – but he lives in Spain so it’s more like a long-distance-thing.”

It took Amy a few seconds until she grasped the situation. In the meantime, Carla came to stand in front of her door, fiddling for her keys to open it.

“But you’re not talking about that guy from Luke’s party, do you?”

“Yes, it’s precisely that guy I’m talking about. I didn’t know you met him, too.”

“Chloe introduced me to him and we danced together for a while but then I lost the both of them and had a few drinks and well, I don’t remember everything.” She let out a small laugh. “But congratulations to you, I hope he treats you right. If he doesn’t I swear I’ll–“

“No, he treats me right.” Carla said, opening her letterbox as she stood in the hallway, only to find a new postcard in it. “He definitely does.”

_“Dear Carla_ , _this bud of love, by summer's ripening breath, may prove a beauteous flower when next we meet.”_ Carla read out loud what was written on the postcard, sitting on her couch with her IPad placed on the couch table.

Through the display she could see that Samuel shrugged his shoulders with a grin, shifting in his seat as he got more comfortable on his couch.

Carla rolled her eyes in a funny way as she continued to read the postcard. “ _Your secret lover_ – seriously Samuel?”

“What? I thought you’d be into this whole secret romance thing” he winked at her as he took a bite from his pizza.

“Did you really read Romeo and Juliet just to find that stupid quote?”

“Yes.” Samuel looked down with a small smirk.

“Heyy, don’t lie to me!” Carla giggled amused.

“Maybe I had some help from a famous internet search engine.”

“Whatever.” Carla turned the card around in her hand to look at the mixture of fine black lines and pink and green watercolors that were messily applied to the thick paper in order to shape a flower. “But this is pretty good. You should draw more often.”

“Thank you.” The compliment created a sheepish smile on his face.

“I’m serious. I always knew you’d like to doodle around, but with the watercolors…“ She looked at the drawing closer, now detecting even more colors that were adding depth to the blossoms and leaves. “It’s really good. I like it even better than the first one.”

She looked at the first postcard he’d send her that was still laying on the couch table. It showed the typical postcard motive – a sunset beach – also drawn with watercolors. As she first saw it, she didn’t even want to believe that he’d drawn it himself, clearly underestimating his artistic ability. In comparison to the second postcard, the message on the first one was a little less creative, simply saying _“Hi Carla :)”,_ but she still found it very cute.

“What do you use to draw them?” she asked interested.

“Not much, just a black fine liner and some watercolors. And the paper is special canvas paper. I cut it into the size of postcards.”

Carla nodded at his words as she tried to memorize them.

“Is something?” Samuel asked as he registered that Carla looked behind her on the other side of the screen.

“It’s the doorbell” she said, already standing up from the couch.

Samuel occupied himself with grabbing the next piece of his pizza, half of its toppings slipping down into the carton again during the process.

After a minute or so, Carla was back on the screen of his laptop, holding up her own pizza carton triumphantly. “My pizza’s finally here, too.”

Though they both ordered their pizza synchronically in the hope they’d arrive at the same time, but Carla’s pizza took a little longer than Samuel’s.

“They probably needed longer because the cook refused to put pineapples onto it” he said in a teasing manner.

“What did you say? I-I couldn’t hear you…maybe there’s something wrong with the signal.” Carla came closer to the camera lense, acting confused. “Or was it just my bullshit filter?”

“Just talk yourself into believing that it’s tasty.” Samuel continued to banter her. “I’ll take you to Italy one day and then we’ll ask an genuine Italian pizza veteran what he thinks about it to see who’s right.”

Carla tilted her head to the side with a loving smile. “I honestly can’t wait for that.”

“For what? Getting roasted by an Italian cook?” The cocky smirk in his face gave away that he was still in a playful mood.

“No” Carla’s voice got softer now, “I can’t wait for our first vacation together, or the first movie we’ll watch at the cinema, the first concert we’ll visit…it’s so annoying that we can’t do all this right now.”

Samuel had gotten quieter as he listened to her with a thoughtful look on his face.

“Yeah, I know” he mumbled, “but we’ll catch up on everything. I promise you.”

The determination Carla could detect in his eyes even through the shitty quality of his laptop camera made her feel a little more secure. She’d never been a fan of lighthearted promises, or lighthearted statements in general. But the promise he just made didn’t seem to be lighthearted. He didn’t just say it to calm her down or to change the topic, he said it because he meant it. And by now she knew that Samuel would do anything in his power to keep his promises. In this case, his stubbornness was a big advantage.

After they finished their pizza, Carla and Samuel continued to talk about what had been going on in their lives, because both of them weren’t the biggest texters. Of course they texted every day, but the messages they sent each other were rather short most of the time.

Because, as long as Carla knew Samuel had gotten home safely at night, and Samuel knew Carla didn’t feel alone in London, they could both go on with their lives without spending too much time hanging on their phones or sending each other long paragraphs with detailed descriptions of their everyday experiences.

The compromise they made for their rather shallow communication via texting was that they spoke on the phone or per Skype from time to time. Their virtual dates could never replace real ones, but on the other hand they were better than nothing. So, they talked for hours and hours, watching the other person through the screen of their technological devices, the sight leaving them longing for each other’s touch.

Most times, it was Carla who brought up that exact topic.

“I want you so much” she whispered, staring at Samuel. It had gotten pretty late by now, and they’d both swapped their couch for the bed instead. Samuel even built a small construction with his laptop and desk chair so that Carla could still see him when he was laying in bed while Carla had it a little easier with her Ipad placed next to her being held up by its folded case.

Samuel sighed as he felt his lower stomach tighten with pleasure at her words. He didn’t even know what turned him on more, the sound of her voice thick with lust or the anticipation for what was about to happen.

They’d only done this a few times now, and Samuel could remember well how awkward he felt at their first virtual time.

“I’m not getting naked in front of that camera” he’d said, “what if someone records us?”

Carla had just laughed at that. In the most times his innocence turned her on, but the bewildered and nervous look that was on Samuel’s face right now was just too funny not to laugh at.

“Who should record us? Bill Gates?”

“That’s not funny, Carla.”

“It is. Do you know how many people do this? What do you think how others cope with their long-distance relationships?”

“And just because others do it, we have to do it, too?”

“No. We have to do it because I’m really horny right now, Samuel. And as a responsible boyfriend, you are obligated to help me out of this misery.” She rubbed her bottom lip with her index finger. “And you are a responsible boyfriend, aren’t you?”

Samuel shifted in his position, even when he only saw her through a stupid laptop screen she still had him at her mercy in less than two minutes.

“Okay, but even _if_ I said yes, what would you want me to do then? That’s just so awkward I –“

“Shh Samuel, calm down, okay?” she interrupted his nervous babbling. “Just watch me.”

He bit his fingertips and exhaled shakily as he saw that Carla leaned up to get rid of her pajama shirt, revealing the perfectly formed breasts he wanted to touch so bad. He could almost feel them in his hands, so warm and unbelievably soft.

 _Fuck it,_ he thought as he got rid of his own shirt, _I don’t care if someone’s watching, or who’s watching. I’m sure Bill Gates understands that I have no other choice right now._

Carla smirked as she saw how Samuel was throwing his t-shirt away, the sight of his toned chest and abs turning her on even more. “I knew you’d be a responsible boyfriend.”

By now, it was safe to say that Samuel was definitely more comfortable with their virtual sexual encounters.

“What would you do if I were with you right now?” he asked with a heavy voice, not being able to hide his lust.

“I’d get you out of your clothes first.” Carla answered in an equal tone.

He was happy to follow her suggestion and sat up to remove his shirt before looking at her again.

Carla nodded at him slowly while biting her lower lip. “Go on.”

It didn’t take long until both of them were naked, Samuel imagining how her hands with those perfectly manicured nails would feel if they were wrapped around him, and Carla thinking of the way his slightly rough fingertips would feel when he rubbed her most sensitive part in circular motions.

As they were coming back from their highs, panting and with reddened cheeks, Carla couldn’t help but stare at Samuel.

“You look so pretty when you just came” she said with a soft smile on her face, “I could get used to seeing you like this more often.”

He needed a few seconds to comprehend what she just said, the glassy look in his dark eyes indicating that his brain was still occupied with processing the bombshell of hormones that were shooting through every nerve of his body.

“I can’t argue with that.” The light smile on his face showed a mixture of satisfaction and pride, before his smile was replaced by a small yawn.

Carla watched him as he closed his eyes while laying on his side, his cheeks and lips in a scarlet red color, strands of his hair hanging loosely over his forehead. If she were with him right now, she would stroke them out of his face lovingly, crawling his scalp until he fell asleep. But she wasn't, so she could only imagine how his soft dark hair would feel when she ran her fingers through it.

She let out a yawn herself as she cuddled into her covers more deeply, her eyes desperately fighting to stay open. But she finally lost the battle as her eyelids had the audacity to get heavy and close, shielding her from watching the boy she loved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I couldn't keep myself from integrating Samuel's artistic side into this story. I'm really into that idea and I hope you are, too, because there'll be some more of it! :D


	24. Lovesick

You look so beautiful today  
It's like every time I turn around I see your face  
The thing I miss the most is waking up next to you  
When I look into your eyes, I wish that I could stay  
And I cant lie  
Every time I leave my heart turns gray

And I want to come back home to see your face  
'Cause I just cant take it

_I can wait forever – Simple Plan_

_Monday, 10 th May, 15.43 _

Samuel was panting as he dismounted his bike. Though he was used to biking, the speed with which he cycled home had been faster than usual. Because he needed to get home as fast as he could after school, it was the only way he could get what he was lacking so much: sleep. And since his work shift started at 17 pm, he didn’t have much time to rest in between.

He normally wasn’t the person to nap in the afternoon. Firstly, because he didn’t have time for that, and secondly, because he always got a good nights sleep. Well, until now.

Because the last weeks had been extremely exhausting for him, and with the upcoming finals it didn’t look like the situation would get any better soon. Juggling between school and work was a high-performance sport for Samuel, mostly because the expectations at Las Encinas were extremely high. The students were supposed to completely focus on their education, and while it was obvious that not everyone did, none of his classmates were struggling for the same reason as him, which meant having a part time job next to school.

For that, his nights were short and restless, but by now he’d just accepted the fact that he wasn’t going back to falling asleep within five minutes or to sleep for eight hours in one piece like he did when he was younger and less stressed. He just tried to get through his days as good as he could with not more than five or six hours of sleep per night.

And of course, it weren’t just school and work that kept him up at night, there was one more thing preventing him from sleeping, or more accurately one person.

They’d gotten creative with Samuel’s lack of free time, and so it came that in the evenings he had off, or sometimes even after his shifts, Carla and Samuel video-called each other. And because Samuel was still determined to send Carla self-made postcards every week, they invented this new routine were Samuel was drawing and Carla was watching him while reading or doing university stuff on the side.

During their little draw-and-watch-sessions, the camera was always in a position that prevented Carla from seeing what exactly he drew. At first, she’d loudly protested against that, but by now she loved to guess what he was drawing just by watching the quick and skillful movement of his hand, though she never guessed it right (until now, at least). And she had to admit that she loved the little surprise every time she found a new postcard in her letter box, the feeling of actually having positive anticipation for a surprise being something completely new to her.

Because, let’s be honest, Carla hated surprises. She hated surprises, and she hated to be caught off guard, and the reason for that was simple: it threatened the self-control she always strived to maintain, and only the thought of losing her control scared her.

But Samuel showed her that things could be unexpected and still be good, and she was deeply grateful that he’d introduced her to this more thrilling side of life in a positive way (yes, for Carla it was thrilling to not know which motive her next postcard would have; as said before, she hated surprises).

Samuel quickly checked his letter box like he did every time he entered the house, not really expecting to find something besides the occasional advertising magazines. But to his surprise, he actually found something.

“Your package had been delivered to your neighbor” stood on the little note he had in his hands. Curiously, he walked up the stairs, ringing at his neighbor’s door and collecting his package.

Through his confusion, a big smile appeared on his face as he read who the sender was, but he still didn’t have the slightest idea what could be inside the medium sized package as he put it down on the kitchen table, getting a little knife and opening it up.

The first thing he spotted as he opened it was a small note with neat handwriting on it.

_Dear Samuel,_

_I want to deeply thank you for all the postcards you drew and wrote for me. You can’t imagine how much they mean to me. I love every single one of them, almost as much as I love you._

_And I really don’t know how to reciprocate all the time and effort you put into them, but since I’ve always learned that expensive gifts are appropriate to show any kind of affection, I simply went for this way (and I somehow hate that I’m apparently not one ounce better than my parents with things like this, but I really don’t know what else I could do for you)._

_Love, Carla._

Samuel didn’t know if he needed to unpack even further, because he already got the biggest gift in one little subclause she’d wrote, so inconspicuous that he nearly overread it.

_Almost as much as I love you_ , the words echoed in his mind, making his stomach flutter. It was the first time she said it since it slipped out of her mouth accidentally, and this time it wasn’t an accident. She’d wrote it down, letter by letter, reading through the text again and approving the words she wrote before putting the note into the package.

_That’s already enough,_ Samuel thought, _I don’t need more, I need nothing more than you telling me that you love me, Carla._

But despite that, his eyes still began to shine like the one’s of a little kid as he saw what she meant when she referred to an expensive gift. Because inside the package, he found every single drawing utensil he could wish for, everything he could never afford until now.

There were paintbrushes in all forms and sizes, a big watercolor palette with colors he’d never even heard of, pencils with different hardness degrees, black and colored fine liners, charcoals, acrylic paints and a thick block of canvas paper. And of course, all of the things were from special (and most likely expensive) brands, not just from the ones you could get at every handicrafts store.

_16.01: You’re absolutely crazy!! Thank you so much! I can’t wait to try everything out. You’ll get TONS of postcards!!_

Samuel shook his head with a disbelieving smile as he looked through the things again, this was truly one of the best gifts he ever got. He immediately got to his desk to try his new things out, completely forgetting about his tiredness, and he could hardly get away from his desk again as he needed to leave for work.

  
_Wednesday, 12 th May, 19.12_

Carla nodded in quiet approval as she stared at her living room wall, satisfied with the result of her work. She’d actually managed to hang up six little frames onto her wall all by herself, leaving her to feel independent as ever as she put the hammer and nail into her toolbox again (it was true, Carla actually got herself a toolbox as she felt a sudden urge to be an independent woman who didn’t need a craftsman to hang up a few paintings), and as she was finished putting the things away, she took a picture of the wall that was now decorated with Samuel’s postcards, a pretty frame for each of the beautiful drawings.

_19.14: It feels like home when I look at them… (btw: I hung them up all by myself!!)_

Carla smiled as she read the message Samuel sent her almost instantly.

_19.16: Looks so good, I’m proud of you! Maybe you should consider working as a craftswoman instead of studying business ;)_

“Were you making fun of me, Mr. Garcia?” Carla spoke into her phone as soon as Samuel picked up.

“You know I’d never allow myself to do something as outrageous and inappropriate like making fun of you, Ms. Rosón. I’m dreadfully sorry if I left that impression.”

Carla let out a small chuckle at his choice of words.

“I choose to accept your apology – for the moment” she replied in an equal manner before her voice switched back to normal again. “How are you? Everything alright?”

It took Samuel a few seconds to answer. “Yeah, I’m okay.”

“That doesn’t sound too convincing to be honest.”

“I just…haven’t slept well lately and…I don’t know, have some headaches and my throat – I don’t want to sound whiny, I’m fine I think.”

Carla furrowed her brows as she noticed the weak tone in his voice.

“But you’re not getting sick now, are you? Not when I’m visiting you in two days.” The words sounded so selfish that Carla immediately regretted them. “Not that you have any control over when you’re getting sick it’s just – I don’t like it when you’re not well.”

Samuel chuckled, a sharp pain cutting through his throat as he did so, forcing him to swallow loudly so that he was able to speak again.

“I don’t like that, too, but it’s not that I can do much about it.” His throat hurt more and more with each word, forcing him to quieten his voice towards the end of the sentence.

“Well, at least you should stay at home and get some rest if you’re not well. Maybe you’d feel better until Friday then.” Again, she hated the selfish undertone her statement had, but she couldn't help herself, their weekend was just _so_ important to her.

“Yeah, of course I’ll just stay home and miss out at school literally a week before finals start. And you know what? I’ll call in sick at work and just see what happens when I can’t pay my rent next month, no problem” Samuel said with a croaky voice, forcing out his anger despite the pain in his throat.

“Woah, calm down. I was just trying to help you.” Carla’s frown deepened as she defended her words, surprised by his passive aggressiveness. 

“Yeah, worked wonders, I’m already feeling much better now.”

Before Carla could think of an answer, or more of a tactic on how to approach him now, Samuel hung up.

_What the fuck was that?_

She didn’t even feel angry, she just felt – confused? Within a few minutes, their conversation had gone from playful teasing to something that felt like…a fight?

She closed her eyes and exhaled deeply as she tried to collect her thoughts. Should she call him back? Should she text him? Should she leave him alone? Questions over questions filled her brain, but the problem was that the very same organ apparently wasn’t capable of coming up with any good answers. What a stupid thing.

  
_Wednesday, 12 th May, 21.09_

Samuel sighed as he turned around in his bed, he felt really bad for getting so angry with Carla earlier. He didn’t mean to start a fight with her, it was just that all the anger and stress that built up inside of him chose to break through the surface even at the slightest provocation, and Carla telling him he should _just stay home and get some rest_ definitely was enough of an provocation to him.

Because he felt like she didn’t even understand the consequences of that, she never had to worry about a part time job or paying rent, she didn’t know those constant existential insecurities. Of course, she’d gone through some existential crises herself, but those were exceptional situations. For him, it was normal to worry about money, the nagging thought in the back of his head was always there.

And on top of that, he worried about finals, too. He felt like he didn’t have enough time for studying because of his work, and though he was sure that he’d pass, he also wanted to pass with good grades, and that wasn’t exactly easy.

The already stressful situation got even worse when he felt his body weaken throughout the last days, and at first he tried to repress the symptoms by just ignoring them, but that didn’t seem to work anymore. On this evening, which he’d originally reserved for studying (and drawing a new postcard if he found time for that), the symptoms got worse than ever. He’d given up on his math exercises after about half an hour because he completely lost his ability to concentrate. The throbbing pain in his head felt like he’d been hit with a brick (repeatedly) and his throat felt so tight and inflamed he closed his eyes in pain every time he swallowed.

In the consequence, he took some painkillers and dragged his exhausted body to the bed. He tried to forget about his miserable state by thinking of the weekend which he’d originally looked forward to. But now, he wasn’t sure Carla should come close to him and risk an infection, and even if she did, he’d be uncomfortable with her seeing him like this.

He hated to whine, but he was also aware of his tendency to dramatize everything when he was stressed out. Yet, he couldn’t stop himself from doing it, because the situation surely _was_ dramatic. He needed his job, he needed to study, and most importantly he needed to have a good time with his girlfriend. He needed _her_.

And the last thing he needed right now was his stupid body acting up because it wasn’t been given too much attention lately. His body actually reminded him of an insulted, pouting child in that moment, the funny thought being an indication of the painkillers kicking in mixed with the tiredness that clouded his thoughts more and more as he was sinking into a deep, dark slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Samuel, I remember how stressed out I was in the last years of school. I also had a part time job for three days a week, but I worked in a supermarket, filling up milk and yogurt and stuff like that (and at the same time I was doing my drivers license and naturally I had to attend every party I could find haha, so yeah, the stress was real). 
> 
> I hope you all have a great weekend!! :)


	25. Healing

Love can make me all better  
Love can make me all right  
Love can pull me together  
So just make me all better tonight

_All better – Mayer Hawthorne_

_Thursday, 13 th May, 07.53_

“Hey man, everything alright with you?” Guzman greeted Samuel as he walked into class and took a seat next to him. Before the brown-haired boy could answer, his friend continued talking. “What are you doing this weekend? Wanna go for a drink?”

Samuel shook his head slowly, even a careful movement like this caused the pain in his head to intensify.

“Sorry, I don’t have time” he mumbled, looking at Guzman who detected the insecurity in his friend’s eyes, “Carla visits me for the weekend. She’ll arrive around midday tomorrow and she’s staying until Sunday evening.”

To Samuel’s relief, Guzman’s expression broke into a huge smile. “Ohh I understand. So you won’t leave your apartment all weekend, will you? You’ll have a lot to catch up.”

The way Guzman winked at him with a cheeky look on his face made Samuel chuckle. “You surely have a point with that”, he spoke quietly as his throat began to hurt at his words, “but I’m not feeling too well, I think I’ve caught a cold. So it’s not unlikely that I’ll spend most of the time in bed, but not in the way you think.”

“Yeah, you really do sound like shit, Samu. Why are you even here when you’re not well?”

Samuel shrugged as he rubbed his temples. “I don’t want to miss something so shortly before finals.”

As the day went on, Samuel came to the conclusion that it really didn’t make any sense he came to school today. Even though he doped himself with painkillers halfway through the day, he wasn’t able to concentrate on anything. Most of the time he just stared out of the window, his eyes unfocused as his thoughts zoomed out.

11.32: Hey Samu :) Are you feeling better yet?

He sighed as he read the text from Carla, knowing that she wouldn’t be too thrilled about his answer.

11.45: Hi Carla. Nope, it’s quite the contrary…I don’t know if it’s the best idea if we’ll spend the weekend together. I don’t want you to get sick, too. I’m sorry…

He put his phone away as he began to gaze out of the window again, hoping that her reaction wouldn’t be too bad.

To his surprise, her reaction wasn’t too bad, but it wasn’t too good, either. Mostly because she simply didn’t respond to his message. Not even as he finished his work shift which he only survived because of some more painkillers (who’s the drug addict now?), had she messaged him.

As he was on his way home from work, riding his bike on an empty road, the cool night air irritating his throat in the worst way possible, he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. He chose to get home first and not stop to look at the message, even though he was curious and tensed on what she’d wrote (providing that the message even was from her).

23.15: I really hope that you weren’t dumb enough to go to work in the state you’re in, but if you did, did you at least get home safe?

He couldn’t help but smile as he read her text, he could exactly imagine in what kind of tone she’d say these words to him. Her voice would probably have that annoyed undertone as she rolled her eyes, shaking her head simultaneously. But despite that, she’d still have that small smile on her lips that said: _I can’t believe I’m in love with this idiot._

23.34: Since I don’t want to provoke you let’s just say I’m in bed right now. Why didn’t you answer my last message?

23.38: God you’re such an idiot. I didn’t respond because there simply is nothing to answer to that. I’ll arrive around two o’clock tomorrow. Now get some rest and sleep well, I can’t wait to see you (but you’re an idiot, still)

Samuel let out a sigh, he should’ve known that she wouldn’t let him argue with her about her visit. And he had to admit that trying to cancel their plans so shortly beforehand definitely was a bit rude. And of course, he wanted to see her as bad as she wanted to see him, so he was relieved that she still wanted to come, even when he was good-for-nothing this weekend.

He set up his alarm at 10 o’clock. Even though he didn’t plan on going to school and spend another day staring out of the windows like a zombie, he still needed to have enough time for cleaning his apartment up a little, because it looked a bit chaotic to say at least.

_Friday, 14 th May, 13.47_

Samuel was woken up by the ring of his doorbell. He rubbed his eyes sleepily, confused about who could visit him so early in the morning. Considering that his alarm didn’t wake him up yet, it had to be earlier than ten. He got up slowly, dragging his feet to his door, registering that his head and throat still hurt very bad.

Carla felt her heart rate increase remarkably as she heard the key being turned around on the other side of the door. Then it was opened slowly, revealing an extremely sleepy looking Samuel. His hair was wild as ever, dark locks sticking out in different directions, and on the right side of his face was a light red pattern that had been caused by his pillow, decorating his stubbly cheek.

Her look softened as she walked over to him, Samuel staring at her confused as she did so. Before he could ask her what she was doing at his apartment so early, still not aware of the fact he’d simply slept through his alarm, Carla hugged him tightly, burying her face into the crook of his neck.

“I’ve missed you so much” she whispered into his warm skin, placing a soft kiss there before moving on to his lips.

“Carla don’t –“ Samuel protested as she leaned in to kiss him, his words silenced by her rosy lips.

“Don’t worry, Samu. I literally never get sick”, she stroked his cheek softly, moving her hand up to his hair, “it’s been a while since your last haircut, hm? Or the last time you shaved.”

Samuel chuckled quietly. “So my hairstyle is concerning you the most right now?”

“No, actually it’s the least concerning thing. I just thought I’d start off with an easy topic.” She furrowed her brows in a funny way as she looked around the messy apartment. “Did you do anything besides going to school and work the last weeks?”

“I drew postcards.”

“Oh come on, Samuel”, her tone was more serious now, “you’re really not well, aren’t you?”

Samuel turned around and went to sit on the couch, Carla followed him and did the same.

He ruffled his hair with his right hand, staring at the ground. “Everything’s gotten a little much lately. My boss insists that I work four, sometimes five evenings a week. I mean, I’d earn enough money with working just two or three times, but he always says that they really need me at the restaurant and then I just can’t say no.”

Carla rubbed his back comfortingly as she listened to him with an understanding look on her face.

“And then I have to study and of course I want to spend time with you and…” he hesitantly looked up to her, “I just don’t have time to stay at home and lay in bed all day.”

“So that’s your solution? Ignoring the warning signs your body sends you? You always tell me to take care of myself, and now I have to tell you to take care of yourself.”

Carla thought of how thankful she was that he urged her to occupy professional help in order to take care of her mental health, which she actually did since a few weeks. At first, she didn’t even do it for herself but more for him because she didn’t want him to worry too much about her. But after the first appointments, it felt like talking to a neutral person took a heavy weight off her chest bit by bit, and even though she was always utterly exhausted after her soul-stripping sessions, she still felt some kind of relief because of them.

Samuel couldn’t argue her last words because he knew she was right, but his stubbornness prevented him from giving in too early.

As she noticed the broody look on Samuel’s face, the one he always had when his stubborn side took over, Carla tried to find a compromise.

“Okay, if you won’t take care of yourself, then I’ll take care of you. How does that sound?”

After thinking about it for a minute, he eventually gave in.

“Fine” a sly smile showed on his face, “but I have one last question first.”

“What is it?”

“You have to promise me that you’ll take it seriously. It’s really important for me.”

Carla nodded with big eyes. “Sure, go on.”

“Could you wear a sexy nurse costume while taking care of me?”

“Seriously?” she rolled her eyes, already grabbing a pillow to slap that dumb boyish grin out of his face. “Even when you’re sick you’re still an idiot.”

“Ouch” he held his head as Carla hit him with the pillow a little harder than she intended to.

“Oh sorry” she immediately regretted it, throwing the pillow away, “fuck sorry, I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Did you take any medicine yet? Or wait – let’s start by exploring your symptoms first. What even bothers you?” Carla gave him a questioning look.

“My head hurts pretty bad”, he brought one hand up to touch his throat, “and I have a sore throat. It hurts when I talk, eat, breathe – all the time, honestly.” As if to support his words, his voice broke into a croaky sound at the end of the sentence.

Carla gave him a pitiful look. “And since when do you have it?”

“I don’t know…since Monday, maybe Tuesday?” he guessed carefully.

“And it didn’t get any better since then?”

“No. Well, as long as I take painkillers, it’s bearable.”

“Seriously, Samuel?” she raised her eyebrows, creating a moralizing look on her face, “I really think you should see a doctor.”

For every other person, even for his mother or his brother, it would’ve been a challenging task to convince Samuel to go to the doctor. He wasn’t the biggest fan of medical practices or hospitals or anything similar to that. He hated the uncomfortable furnishing, the cold light, the sterile environment and mostly, he hated to be crammed into a waiting room full of sick people and crying children. But then again, it wasn’t his mother or Nano trying to convince him, it was Carla.

“It’s just a cold. I don’t need to see a doctor. I’ll just get some rest this weekend and on Monday I’ll feel good as ever.”

Carla ignored his protest and stood up, walking to his room with determination on her face. When she came back, she threw a shirt and some jeans onto the couch. “Get dressed, we’ll leave in five minutes.”

It was in this moment that Samuel realized he didn’t have the slightest chance of arguing with her any further.

And it turned out that her decision to make him see a doctor had been good-reasoned, because he didn’t just have a simple cold, but a tonsillitis, and he needed to take antibiotics in order to get rid of it.

“I don’t want to rub under your nose that I was right, but I was right.” Carla couldn’t hold back the fact that she had been, well, right, as they left the doctor’s office.

“Watching every season of Grey’s anatomy doesn’t give you a medical degree, you smartass” Samuel said cockily before taking her hand, “but thank you.”

When they came back to the apartment, Samuel suddenly felt very tired again. He let out a yawn as he kicked off his shoes, and Carla immediately noticed his change in behavior.

“You should get some rest” she stroked his cheek lovingly, “and I’ll take care of this.” The swift movement of her hand indicated that she meant his messy apartment.

“No, I can do it later. I’m sorry, I just haven’t found the time to clean up yet” he protested quietly, already realizing it had no sense.

Ten minutes later, he was fast asleep in his bed, and Carla stood in the middle of the living room, looking around and not knowing where to start in between the clothes that were thrown over the couch, school documents that were scattered all over the kitchen table, and the pile of dishes (at least they were already clean) that was stacked up next to his sink.

She finally decided to begin with the dishes, as it seemed to be the easiest task to just put the cups and plates and bowls into the kitchen cupboards. As she roamed around in the kitchen, she discovered empty cartons of frozen pizza. She grabbed them to put them into the bin, abruptly stopping her movement with a frown as she discovered the kind of pizza. Hawaiian?

 _That idiot,_ she thought with a small smile, _always teasing me about it and then secretly eating it himself._

When the apartment looked somewhat inhabitable again, she decided to take his dirty clothes to a laundry service, opining that she’d already done enough housework for a marchioness. Before she left the apartment, she quickly scribbled down some groceries she wanted to grab on the way, because with the ingredients out of his fridge, she wouldn’t be able to cook a halfway eatable meal, as long as they didn’t want to have yogurt with eggs or ketchup flavored milkshakes for dinner.

“Hey sleeping beauty” Carla entered Samuel’s room slowly when she still found him asleep after her laundry-and-grocery-trip, sitting down at the edge of his bed and petting his hair gently.

Samuel shifted in his position, leaning his head into her hand as he enjoyed her touch. “Hello awake beauty” he opened his eyes slowly, blinking to adjust to the light that fell into the room through the open door.

“I’ll make us some dinner now, you should eat something.”

“Hmm” Samuel responded lazily as he laid his head into her lap, closing his eyes again, “sounds good.”

After he felt halfway awake, Samuel decided to get up and take a shower. When he was ready, walking out of the bathroom with just a towel wrapped around his waist, he found Carla in the kitchen, preparing dinner already.

“Ahh fuck” she cursed under her breath as she looked through the fridge that was well-stocked now.

“What is it?” Samuel asked, grabbing himself a glass of water.

“I forgot the carrots. I’m such an idiot…” Carla turned around with a slightly angered look on her face.

“What are you even planning to cook?” Samuel asked after gulping down his glass in one go.

“Lasagna” she answered, putting some onions onto a kitchen board to cut them.

“There are carrots in lasagna?”

Carla shot him an amused look. “Don’t you work at a restaurant? You should know such things.”

“Hey, I’m just a waiter there. And on top of that we don’t even have lasagna.”

“You’re a real culinary expert, aren’t you?” she shook her head slightly, focusing on the onions again, “besides, I found out about your pizza secret.”

“Oh shit” Samuel drew in a sharp breath, “that’ll have an afterplay, am I right?”

Carla threw a piece of onion in his direction, failing to hit him with it as he ducked away quickly. “You have no idea.”

Samuel walked over to her slowly, coming to a halt behind her and wrapping his arms around her waist. Carla closed her eyes as she felt his damp chest against her back, leaning her head into the crook of his neck with a small smile. “If you think being all sexy is going to distract me from the pizza thing, just let me tell you it isn’t working.”

“It isn’t?” he asked as he began to kiss her neck slowly.

She immediately shivered at the irresistible feeling of his lips on her skin, a small moan escaping her lips.

“God you need to stop that” she wiggled in his grip after a few seconds to stop him from going any further, “or else we’re never going to eat.”

In the end, Samuel decided to help her with preparing dinner, or he at least tried to, because she kept insisting that he should just sit down at the table or the couch and wait until it’s ready. But his argument that he wanted to spend at least a bit of time with her when he’d already slept through most of the day eventually convinced her.

Then they ate in comfortable silence. Even without carrots, the lasagna still tasted extremely good.

“I never knew my girlfriend was such an excellent cook” Samuel complimented her as he was finished.

Carla shrugged with a small smile. “Thank you, I never knew it myself until I began to cook in London. It’s fun and always makes me calm down. Chopping vegetables has almost something like a meditative effect on me.”

“Well, as long as you even buy some vegetables you can chop.”

“I might be a good cook, but I’m terrible at grocery shopping” she let out a small laugh, “really, it’s unbelievable, I _always_ forget something.”

Samuel laughed along, finally telling her that creating a shopping list with the things being in the same order as they are stacked up in the supermarket could help her with that, and Carla was honestly impressed by that idea, very sure it would be a total game changer.

Followed by that, they spent the rest of the evening on the couch, talking about random things and zapping through the TV, until Samuel fell asleep with his head in her lap, feeling completely calm for the first time in weeks.


	26. Intimacy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, I hope you're doing well.
> 
> I know I kinda fucked up my posting schedule so sorry about that, but no worries I'll keep providing you with new chapters, even if it's a bit irregular from time to time. 
> 
> And as always: Have fun reading & leave feedback if you like! :)

Nobody knows I'm all alone  
Living in this castle made of stone  
They say that money is freedom, but I feel trapped inside it all  
And while I sit so high up on a throne  
I wonder, how I can feel this low?

Castle walls - T.I. ft. Christina Aguilera

_Saturday, 15 th May, 9.44_

Carla woke up to a ray of sunlight warming up her cheek, the gentle touch of light making her drift into consciousness in the best way possible. She needed a moment until she realized she wouldn’t find herself in her queen sized bed when she opened her eyes now, and that she wouldn’t get up and walk into her kitchen to make herself a coffee, immediately turning on the radio to fight the smothering silence in her big apartment.

No, when she opened her eyes now, she’d find herself squeezed into Samuel’s small bed inside the apartment that felt more like home to her than her own. With furniture that showed traces of use, traces of a family living in there for many years. A family with postcards pinned to the fridge and lemonade stains on the couch that were caused by two boys play-fighting and spilling drinks. A family that had laughed and danced and lived together for many years, like actually _lived_.

Not a family where any trace of life was cleaned and tidied up by a maid on a daily base, where eating and drinking wasn’t allowed on the couch, where the most intense physical contact was a tensed-up hug on your birthday.

Her stomach tightened at the thought of her family. Well, as long as she even considered the people that were representing her parents as her family. Because right now, it didn’t feel like it. She didn’t even tell them that she was in Madrid this weekend. Mostly because she didn’t talk to them at all in the last months. She’d just read all the stupid messages they’d sent her with their wine deliveries, only to throw them into the bin with tears in her eyes as she was done skimming over the words that sounded so fake to her she wanted to puke. 

_Dear Carla, we hope that you’re doing fine in London. Your dad and I miss you so much. Will you visit us soon? Love, Mom_

_If you’d really miss me,_ Carla thought angrily, _you’d maybe just try to call me. We’re in the 21 st century, you could just call me or send me a fucking text message. But you don’t. Because in reality, you’re happy that I’m far away. And that you don’t have to look into my eyes every day and be remembered of what you did to me. _

In the last weeks, as Carla had attended her therapy sessions, she slowly began to realize what her parents actually did to her. She realized how cold and cruel they were to her, with her father constantly threatening her and her mother looking away as he did so.

She precisely registered the way her therapist looked at her as she’d told her about the threats and her forced relationship with Yeray, deep sadness and pity showing up in her eyes for just the slightest second before her expression changed into that empathetic professional look again. It was only then that Carla realized it wasn’t normal for a family to expect sacrifices of that extent from their own daughter, sacrifices that made her break laws and lie, that kept her away from the person she loved, and forced her into the arms of a person she didn’t love.

Her stomach tightened even more at the thought of Yeray, though they were friends now, she still couldn’t forget everything she had to go through, the touches and kisses she had to endure, the way she had to stay still and comply every time he wanted to sleep with her.

Carla yanked her eyes open in a forceful motion as she felt her stomach tighten more and more and her heartbeat speeding up to an uncomfortable pace at her last thought. Sometimes she got so stuck in thinking about her past, the traumatic events circling through her head again and again and again, that she actually felt like suffocating. Like she did right now.

She tightened her arms around Samuel’s body, clutching to him as she buried her face into his back. They were still in the same position they fell asleep in last night, with Carla being the big spoon. As Samuel had been extremely cuddly yesterday, he searched for comfort in her arms and let _her_ hold _him_ for once, not the other way around. But right now, Carla didn’t feel like the strong one anymore. She was sure she made a terrible big spoon right now, because she felt more like being the little spoon now, or more exactly like the littlest spoon existing in the whole wide world.

Samuel took Carla’s hands into his to free himself of her tight clutch as he woke up, nearly ripping them from his sleep shirt as she fisted the fabric nervously. He registered her tensed up body behind him, her ragged breath, her hammering heart. When she finally let go of him, he turned around, making Carla immediately hide her face in his chest as she wrapped her arms around him again. He decided to let her calm down in silence, his decision being not entirely unselfish as he was still in the process of waking up. The good thing was that the antibiotics seemed to show their first effect, his head wasn’t pounding as hard as it did the last mornings.

“Hey you”, he whispered against her hairline hoarsely since his throat was still acting up a bit, “everything alright?”

He felt Carla nod against his chest as he kissed the top of her head.

“Yeah”, she peeked up at him with big eyes through some strands of her golden hair, “and how are you? Better than yesterday?”

Samuel smiled down at her as he leaned in to give her a gentle kiss. “Much better.”

Though Samuel didn’t feel half-dead like he did during the days before, he still felt worn-out. So, they decided to spend most of the Saturday in his apartment, only leaving it to take a walk in the afternoon. They peacefully strolled through the nearest park hand in hand, both of them enjoying a cone of ice cream as Carla had insisted that it would help Samuel’s sore throat.

That was one of her rare happy childhood moments, eating ice cream when sick. She remembered how her father used to sneak ice cream into her room when she was lying in bed with a cold, telling her that it would help way better than the stupid medicine her mother wanted her to take. Carla always used to giggle at that, happy and excited that her father was spending time with her. Their passion for sweets was always something they shared. It was their small secret as they used to hide away the evidence in form of ice cream boxes and bonbon papers in the bin of her father’s bureau, so her mother wouldn’t find out about the unholy amounts of sugar they consumed.

“Fuck Carla, you’re breaking my hand.” Carla was ripped out of her nostalgic thought at Samuel’s words. She looked down at their hands surprised, only now registering that she was clutching his hand so tightly that her knuckles turned white.

“Sorry”, she shook her head quickly and loosened her grip, “just got carried away in thoughts.”

As they came back to the apartment, they got comfortable on the couch again. Carla picked up the book she read before and Samuel laid down next to her, resting his head on her chest and falling asleep to her steady breathing and the occasional sound of book pages being turned. He slept for about an hour until Carla couldn’t stay in the same position anymore and began to wiggle under his weight.

“Samu, can you get up?” she gently nudged his shoulder, “you’re crushing my tits.”

“Sorry”, Samuel got up reluctantly, “but they make a good pillow.”

Carla rolled her eyes as she focused on her book again.

“What? It’s true. They’re so warm and soft.” Samuel laid down next to her again, resting his head in the crook of her neck to look into the book over her shoulder.

Carla inhaled deeply, turning her head around with raised eyebrows and a hint of amusement in her face. “Is it possible that someone’s being a bit clingy right now?”

Samuel looked at her with big eyes, faking a surprised expression. “What? Me? Clingy? Never!”

The cute grin that took over his face after his masterpiece of acting was enough for Carla to close her book with a thud and throw it onto the couch table quickly, already grabbing Samuel’s face to kiss him hungrily. They didn’t have sex until now, which was a great achievement given the fact that they normally couldn’t keep their hands off each other, but Carla decided that it was the time to change that now. Well, it was rather her body that made this decision, her want growing stronger and stronger with every passing minute.

Samuel immediately melted into her kiss, supporting his body weight with his arms as he shifted to get on top of her without breaking apart from her lips. He felt Carla moan into the kiss as he settled himself down between her legs, the feeling of his hard crotch against her center making Carla arch her back in order to create more body contact by pressing her breasts against his chest.

“Is it possible that someone’s being a big clingy right now?” Samuel broke the kiss to stare into her green eyes teasingly.

Carla just brought up her face to kiss him again, wrapping her legs around his waist and grinding against his dick as an answer. This time, it was Samuel who moaned, the sound creating a shiver running down on Carla’s spine.

Luckily, Samuel had mercy on her and didn’t take too long to turn their make out session into something more. Because truth was that he couldn’t wait any longer, too. His weakened state had no impact on his sexual needs, to the contrary, he needed her more than ever now. Her presence always had an comforting and securing effect on him, and that effect got stronger the nearer he was her, reaching its peak when she held him in a tight embrace with her warm skin on his and her full breasts pressed against his chest as he buried himself into her as deep as he could. Samuel pushed himself up on his hands to examine her beautiful face as he thrusted into her passionately, her eyes tightly closed and her brows furrowed with pleasure, her full pink lips slightly parted as she let out ragged breaths, biting her lower lip every now and then.

Eventually, she opened her eyes as she felt him watching her, staring right back at him with dilated pupils.

Samuel licked his lips at her sight. “You’re so beautiful” he leaned down to give her a kiss. It was gentler this time, not as needy as their kisses before. “I still can’t believe you’re mine.”

His words brought up a soft smile onto Carla’s lips. Her heart began to beat even faster, if that was possible.

“Samuel?” she questioned, her voice giving away security and insecurity at the same time. Security, because she was hundred percent sure about the words she was planning to say now. Insecurity, because she was still afraid to bare her true and raw emotions to him. It made her feel so entirely vulnerable, but at the same time it turned her on in a way she never knew before. The thought of devoting herself to him completely, not only physical but emotional, made her feel a rush of adrenaline through every pore of her body. That was better than any drug trip she ever experienced, no dose of Molly could make her feel like she did right now. It was true, Samuel _was_ her drug. Or maybe not only him, but the love she felt for him.

Finally, the words came out of her mouth without any insecurity. She pronounced them so clearly as if she was afraid he wouldn’t understand them otherwise, every letter emphasized with so much weight it almost sounded ridiculous.

“I love you, Samuel.”

He abruptly stopped the movement of his hips, staring at Carla in disbelief. Not that he couldn’t believe that she loved him, he couldn’t believe she actually said to him. Not accidentally, not written down on a note. No, she said it to him in person. In a position where she couldn’t get away that easily. She couldn’t escape the words that still hung in the air between them, echoing from the walls and making the atmosphere shift to such an gigantic extent it felt like the sun exploding would be insignificant in comparison.

It was over now. Like completely over. The very last remains of all the lies and covered up emotions were gone, they weren’t playing games anymore. He loved her, she loved him, that was it. Samuel was sure things between them could only get better from now on.

“I love you too, Carla” he finally spoke, nothing but truth dripping down from every verse of his words.

And then she kissed him again, pushing her hips up to encourage him to move again.

As he did so, he felt her nails dig into the flesh of his shoulders, the familiar sting only making him go faster. The reaction of her body to that was more than welcomed by Samuel, her muscles tensing up and tightening around him, quiet moans escaping her lips and her nails digging into his back like claws.

Samuel was more than thankful when she finally brought down one of her hands between her legs to make herself cum, because as much as he loved to sleep with her, he knew he wouldn’t last another five minutes. Not with her confession of love still ringing in his ears and the way she held onto him as if he was all she ever needed, her skin being illuminated by the warm light of his living room in a way that almost made it seem golden.

“Samuel…” she muttered quietly, her eyes squeezed shut with furrowed brows, “oh god.”

It only needed one more deep thrust from him to make both of them cum, pleasure taking control of every cell of their bodies and rushing into the deepest ends of their minds.

And what happened after their orgasms was, well, not Carla’s proudest moment.

As her heartbeat got slower again and her breath wasn’t as ragged anymore, she felt very weird for a moment. She felt weird because she never felt like this before, and she only felt weird for a moment because it didn’t take long until she realized what was actually happening with her.

“Is everything okay?” Samuel raised his head from its position on Carla’s chest, looking at her with slight worry. “Hey…” he spoke softly, pushing himself up to hover over her, already bringing up his hands to wipe away the small tears on her cheeks, “hey Carla, what is it?”

_Oh my god. Crying after sex, Carla? Really? How pathetic can you get?_

Carla had always laughed about women who reported that they needed to cry after having sex, the magazine articles she read about this phenomenon making her roll her eyes as she skipped the pages in order to avoid reading those pathetic and embarrassing stories. No wonder everyone thought women were weak. But now, it seemed like she had to change her mind about that. Because she wasn’t weak, she surely wasn’t, and she still needed to cry. And the worst thing was that she didn’t even know why.

“Was it that bad?” Samuel asked with a small smirk to cheer her up.

“Shut up.” Carla turned away embarrassed, hiding her face in the pillow beneath her.

“Or was it that good?”

She heard that the smirk on his face only got wider as he noticed her embarrassment.

“Look, I always knew I was good in bed”, Samuel tried to pull her hands away so that he could see her face, “but I never new I was _that_ good.”

“Fuck off” Carla mumbled into her hands, but the sniffle she let out while doing so didn’t make her words seem very authentic.

“I can’t believe I’m in love with someone who’s such a mess” Samuel continued to tease her, placing a soft kiss on the shoulder that was turned to him as Carla laid on her side in order to hide her face.

He heard her chuckle through her hands and felt relieved that she seemed to relax again. Slowly, she put her hands down to rest her head onto them. “I really am a mess, Samu” she whispered quietly.

“I know”, he laid down behind her, wrapping his arms around her tightly, “but I am, too. I guess that’s just who we are now. There’s no escaping from that fact. But that won’t stop us from being happy, or in love. Everyone get’s a little mad sometimes, you know.”

Carla turned around to look at him with a serious expression. “You’re probably right.”

After a moment of silence, Samuel spoke again. “Would it be okay for you if I left you alone for a minute to go to the bathroom?”

“Yes?” Carla questioned in a confused tone, “why shouldn’t it be okay for me?”

“I don’t know”, Samuel got up, desperately trying to hide his dumb smirk, “not that you start crying again.”

“Fuck you!” was the last thing he heard as he hurried out of the room, but not without getting hit by a pillow as he did so.


	27. Hard to resist

Well baby I surrender  
To the strawberry ice cream  
Never ever end of all this love  
Well I didn't mean to do it  
But there's no escaping your love

Accidentally in love - Counting Crows

_Sunday, 16 th May, 10.01_

“You should stay home from school and work for a few days” Carla stated, taking a sip of her coffee.

“I already told you that I can’t do that” Samuel said, a fork full of scrambled eggs in his hand, “I can’t risk missing something at school, and I can’t let my boss down. They need me in the restaurant.”

Carla put her hand on top of his in soothing manner, stroking his knuckles softly. “But you can study for the finals from home. Besides, there’s only one week left. At this point they’ll just repeat the most important subject matters, and I’m sure you don’t need the repetition. You studied so hard the last weeks.”

Samuel stared at their hands with furrowed brows, seemingly contemplating on whether she was right or not.

“And finals aren’t _that_ hard. I was high most of the time throughout the last months of school and I still passed”, she let out a chuckle, “except for the chemistry exam of course, but that subject never was my strength. Which is a bit ironic given the fact I was certainly familiar with the practical use of chemistry.”

The frown on Samuel’s forehead deepened at her words. He didn’t exactly like it when Carla put herself down or joked about her drug consume, but deep down he knew that for her, the dark humor was a way to cope with everything.

“You just needed to pass, Carla. Your grades didn’t matter for getting accepted at university, because as long as you’re paying them money, they’ll accept you almost everywhere. But my grades do matter. And I won’t risk my academic career because my body decided to throw itself a pity party a week before finals.”

“God Samuel”, Carla took her hand away, crossing her arms over her chest, “it’s not just your body that needs a break. You’re stressed from head to toe. What happened to that bathroom mirror again? Didn’t you get a new one? Where the cracks already in it as you bought it?”

Samuel squeezed his eyes shut, exhaling deeply.

As Carla noticed his pained expression, she grabbed her chair and got closer to him. Her eyes were soft again, but still filled with worry.

“Look, I’m sure Guzman or Rebeka will tell you about it if you miss something important in school”, she laid her hands on top of his again in a loving motion, “and about the work thing – you told me you could still pay your rent even if you only worked two or three times a week. You should tell your boss that you can’t work any more than that. If he needs more personnel, then he has to employ a new waiter.”

Samuel shook his head at her words. “You don’t get it. I’m just a simple waiter. I’m not in the position to make any demands. What if they kick me out?”

“For how long did you work there? Two and a half, even three years? You have good work experience, and I’m sure you could take over the whole restaurant with your knowledge. You always tell me how you organize things last minute because your boss forgot something again”, Carla searched for his eyes, looking at him meaningfully, “they won’t fire you if you tell them you that have to work less. It wouldn’t make any sense. And when they do, they’re fucking dumb. Besides that, I know a few good restaurants that’d welcome you with open arms, with recommendations from the right people of course.” She felt how Samuel tensed up at her last words. “I know you won’t need my help, but it can be your backup plan.”

“I don’t know”, Samuel tore off his gaze from her, staring at his plate, “maybe you’re right.”

“I always am” Carla shrugged with a small grin, making Samuel gently nudge her shoulder.

It didn’t take too long until Samuel decided that he would stay home at least for one day and called his boss to speak about the work situation. Of course, he wasn’t too enthusiastic about the fact his best waiter wanted to work less, but on the other hand he understood Samuel’s arguments. He would only work three days a week now, and his next shift would be at Wednesday, which gave him some time to rest.

“What are you doing?” Samuel looked over Carla’s shoulder as she stood at the kitchen counter, cutting some strawberries.

“I thought we could go to a park or something” she said, giving Samuel a strict but amused look as he stole a strawberry from the kitchen board, “so I’m preparing as a few snacks.”

“Sounds good” he smiled at her with love in his eyes before pecking her lips softly.

The weather was perfect for a Sunday. It was around twenty degrees outside, and the sun was shining down on Madrid, accompanied by a warm spring breeze every now and then. Carla and Samuel found themselves a nice spot under a tree where it was quiet and without too many people around.

As Carla sat down on their picnic blanket, leaning her back against the trunk of the tree, Samuel immediately laid down and put his head into her lap. Carla wore a summer dress with a pretty floral pattern and the fabric was so thin Samuel could feel the warmth of her thighs beneath his head, making him hum contently.

The small sound made Carla smile as she looked at Samuel, taking his face into her hands softly. She carefully traced his eyebrows with her thumbs in a symmetric motion, moving on to his temples, cheeks, and jaw.

She tried to remember every detail of his face. How his skin felt smooth and warm under her fingertips, how the soft hair right behind his ears made her think of small fluffy clouds, how the light stubble on his jaw made him look older. And she thought of how his stubble felt against her skin when he was kissing her, the sharp little hairs massaging her skin in the most pleasant way. Especially, when his head was buried in between her legs.

“What are you thinking of?” Samuel opened his eyes lazily as Carla stopped with her little face massage.

A mischievous smirk showed on her lips. “Do you really want to know that?”

Samuel gave her a small nod, his oblivious expression encouraging her to go on.

“I’m thinking of how your stubble feels against my skin when you kiss me”, she traced his chin, exploring the feeling on her fingertips all over again, making Samuel smile at her, “or when you’re eating me out.”

His smile immediately faded at her last words, lust taking over him with so much force he drew in a deep breath to calm down again.

“Fuck Carla”, he muttered as he got up to kiss her a little too passionately in a public space, “you can’t tell me something like this”, he looked around, “in a place like this.”

She smirked against his lips, enjoying the effect she had on him. “And why not? Does it make you horny?” Her breath was hot against his skin as she gave him small kisses onto the corners of his mouth, his cheek, his chin, “does it make you want to fuck me?”

Samuel clenched his jaw as he felt his stomach tighten at her seductive whisper. “I could fuck you right here under this tree” he whispered back, also giving her small kisses all the way to the small spot under her ear that was so sensitive to touches he knew he could make her senseless in less than a minute just by sucking and licking it.

Carla giggled in excitement, hugging him tightly and closing her eyes as he kissed her neck in all the right places.

After a minute or so, Carla decided to stop their little encounter. She pushed him back slowly and pressed her legs together, already feeling slight dampness building up between them. As Samuel lied down again, Carla took hold of her bag and searched for her book.

“Samuel?” she questioned after a while of reading. She felt his head shift in her lap as he turned to look at her, blinking at the sunlight that fell down on his face as it found a way through the leaves of the tree, the light illuminating his dark eyes and giving them a light brown color that reminded Carla of sweet honey, “I delayed my flight. I’ll leave tomorrow evening, not today.”

“Really?” Samuel got up, his abrupt movement giving off the surprise he felt, “don’t you have to go to university tomorrow?”

Carla shrugged, looking up innocently. “Just one lecture, it won’t be a problem if I miss it. And I have to work on a presentation with the girls, but it’ll only be for an hour or so, and I can do it via Skype.”

“Carla…” Samuel said in a scolding tone. He didn’t like that she missed out at university for him.

“Shh” Carla put her index finger onto his lips to silence him before he could protest any further, “it’s okay. Really.”

Samuel couldn’t help but break into a big smile then, because truth was that he really looked forward to spending another day (and another night) with her.

“You don’t know how happy you make me”, he got closer to her, his lips only inches apart from hers, “it’s just unfortunate that now I have to cancel the plans I made with my other girlfriend for tonight.”

“Heyy!” Carla pushed him away in a playful motion, maybe a little too hard because he had to support himself with his arms to prevent a fall, “since when do I have a macho boyfriend?”

They spent the rest of the day in the best way possible. Carla continued to read with Samuel lying next to her, resting his head in her lap as he took another nap and got his scalp crawled by her. He still felt weak, even if it was already way better than the days before. But the sleep deprivation he’d experienced the last weeks had him so worn out that he was almost constantly tired.

Eventually, Samuel woke up again an hour later, only to get fed with strawberries by his girlfriend.

“Mhhm” he hummed approvingly, enjoying the sweet taste in his mouth. He opened his eyes to look at Carla, who had an amused look on her face because of how much he enjoyed it to be spoiled by her, “they’re almost as sweet as you.”

“There goes my macho boyfriend” Carla said, acting overly dramatic, “what a shame that now I’m stuck with someone who’s the definition of cheesy again.”

“What? I thought you didn’t like the macho version?” he argued funnily.

“I don’t want any version of you", Carla shook her head with a smile, "I just want Samuel. To me, you’re perfect the way you are.”

“And you’re telling me _I’m_ the cheesy one? I think you confused something there” Samuel got up, her last words still sending butterflies to his stomach.

“I love you, Carla” he said before kissing her deeply, “and I wouldn’t want any other version of you, too.”

_Monday, 17 th May, 11.30_

“Hi Carla” the girls greeted her in sync as she looked at them through her laptop screen. Carla sat at Samuel’s kitchen table with her laptop in front of her and a neat pile of paperwork and some pens laying next to her. Michelle, Amy and Chloe were sitting next to each other on the other side of the screen, they probably were at the public workspace in the university library.

“Hey” Carla gave them a little wave, “I hope it’s not too bad that I’m not there in person.”

“Don’t worry, it’s no problem”, Amy shook her head with a smile, “we totally understand that you want to stay with your boyfriend a little longer, and it’d be a shame if our project would prevent you from getting some more.”

Carla raised her brows and looked down with a smirk at her friend’s remark. Though the girls couldn’t see him, Samuel sat on the couch behind her, and she was sure he had a dumb grin on his face right now.

“Can we just start now?” Chloe asked with slight annoyance, already opening up a book.

They were about thirty minutes into working on their presentation as Carla got a message via Whatsapp Web on her laptop.

_11.57: I’m bored._

It was Samuel. He apparently decided to text her even though he was in the same room as her, sprawled across the couch.

Carla smirked as her fingers flew over her keyboard, quickly typing her answer. The good thing was that the girls wouldn’t notice her texting him, because she still looked at her laptop screen as if she was working on their presentation.

_11.58: Me too…_

Until now, the girls mostly discussed Chloe’s and Amy’s topic, and though Carla listened attentively and tried to make some suggestions for their presentation, she didn’t understand everything they discussed, because she`d prepared a different topic together with Michelle.

_11.59: Don’t tell me discussing the most important principles of leadership is boring you :o it sounds pretty interesting to be honest_

_12.01: But I can’t concentrate knowing that you’re right behind me_

It took Carla everything she had in her to not turn around to look at him. She was sure he was watching her in this very second, she could almost feel his eyes on her. Then she heard him moving. Apparently, Samuel got up from the couch. He walked across the room, carefully choosing his way so that the girls wouldn’t see him. He sat down at the table across from Carla, typing into his phone with a smirk.

_12.03: Is it better now that I’m not behind you anymore?_

_12.04: It’s worse now, actually._

Carla leaned over to peek at him from behind her laptop. She expected him to have that dumb boyish grin on his face, but she found him with a different expression. His eyes were dark, his gaze burning into her skin as he pulled up the corners of his mouth ever so slightly, creating a mischievous smirk.

She tried to focus on her laptop screen again, still wondering about his expression. He looked like he was up to something, yet she couldn’t figure out what it was. But it shouldn’t take too long until she found out.

After a few minutes of Samuel sitting at the table in silence, he quietly moved his chair back. Carla looked at him again, expecting him to be bored and get up. Instead, she saw that he ducked to get under the table.

 _Oh fuck,_ Carla thought as she realized what he was up to. That definitely explained his previous expression. She pressed her legs together as she felt his hands on her bare knees, moving up and down her thighs slowly, his fingertips eventually reaching the brim of her skirt.

Carla shifted in her seat as she desperately tried to stay still and not look down. She felt his hands press against the insides of her knees gently, and as she felt his hot breath against her skin and his lips moving across her thighs with soft kisses, she lost all of her willpower to resist him.

She could nearly feel his smirk as she parted her legs willingly, allowing him to settle down in between them. He put his hands on her butt, nudging it to make her move to the edge of her chair and get closer to him.

“Okay, I think we’re finished with our part”, Amy stated, “Carla, Michelle, do you want to go on with yours now?”

_Shit. That was definitely the worst time to talk to them about examples for good and bad leadership in organizations._

Samuel had his hands under her skirt by now, caressing her upper thighs gently as his fingers moved closer and closer to where she needed him most.

“Do you want to start, Carla?” Michelle looked at her expectantly.

She tried to shift in her seat, but Samuel quickly had his hands on her butt again, preventing her to move away from him. “Okay, firstly, I – I thought” she awkwardly cleared her throat, grabbing her glass of water in order to win a few more seconds to gather herself, “sorry, dry throat.”

She heard Samuel chuckle quietly under the table. By now, his fingertips were stroking the thin fabric of her panties, massaging her in circular motions.

 _That asshole,_ Carla thought in frustration, _I’m_ so _going to get back on him as soon as I can._

She made a second attempt to speak. This time, her voice luckily wasn’t that insecure. “I thought that we should present some bad examples first. We could ask the others how one could improve the leadership in the examples and start a small discussion”, Carla inhaled deeply as she felt Samuel pull her panties down, yet she helped him to get her out of them by slightly lifting her butt, “and after we talked about what went wrong in the examples we could –“ Carla’s eyes widened in surprise as Samuel began to lick her without any futher warning.

“Is everything okay, Carla?” Amy asked with a confused expression. Chloe rolled her eyes ever so slightly.

“Yeah it – it’s just – there was a loud noise outside and I got distracted for a second” she smiled, relieved about her excuse.

“Really? We didn’t hear anything” the girls shook their heads.

Carla shrugged innocently, biting the insides of her cheeks hardly as Samuel decided to worsen his torture by adding his fingers.

“I don’t know, my microphone isn’t the best”, the burning in her lower stomach got so intense she put one of her hands under the table, shakily grabbing strands of Samuel’s hair and pulling them in frustration. But Samuel didn’t seem to mind. To the contrary, she felt him moan ever so quietly against her, curling up his fingers in a way that forced Carla to concentrate with everything she had in her to not close her eyes and throw her head back with a moan.

“Okay, where did I stop…”, she tried her best to fake a thinking expression, still yanking on Samuel’s hair in desperation, “so, after we discussed the bad examples, we could reveal the solutions we found, and present some good examples.” She was proud at herself for getting at least one coherent sentence out of her mouth.

“I already prepared some bad examples” Carla went on. She tried to get her part done as fast as possible now, because she already felt a familiar burn built up in her lower region. She wouldn’t last any longer with Samuel still flicking his tongue on her most sensitive part, accompanied by the quick and skillful movement of his fingers. Even though she normally was good at keeping her posture, she wasn’t sure she could hide away an orgasm from the girls.

“Should I add them to our presentation?” Carla opened the document on her laptop as the girls nodded at her.

“Yeah, that sounds logic” Amy agreed with her.

“Okay…” Carla furrowed her brows in concentration as she edited the presentation, her concentrated look rather being caused by trying to suppress her orgasm than by copying her notes into the Powerpoint.

She had her right hand on the computer mouse and her left hand under the table, clawing into Samuel’s shoulder so hard she was sure it hurt him, but he still didn’t stop his movements. And Carla was glad about that, because by now, she’d be more frustrated if he stopped before she had the chance to cum than she would be with hiding her orgasm away.

Her nails dug deeper into his flesh, and she felt him squeeze her ass tightly with the one hand that was still cupping it as a response. Carla bit down on her lower lip hard, staring at the screen and clutching the computer mouse so tightly her knuckles turned white. And then she allowed herself to cum. It was better to do it now when she didn’t have to talk and the girls were still waiting for her to finish editing. She tried to stay as still as possible while her hips bucked into his face ever so slightly. She fisted his hair again, and Samuel moaned against her, the vibration only intensifying her orgasm. Her legs squeezed around his body as she clenched around his fingers, becoming so tight that he had trouble to move them any further. Samuel eagerly licked her as she released herself into his mouth.

Her breath was ragged as she came down again, tasting a bit of blood inside of her mouth. She must’ve bitten down on her lip a little too hard. 

“Are you done?” Chloe asked impatiently, noticing that Carla stopped editing the presentation thirty seconds ago or so, staring at the screen with a glassy look.

“Mhm” Carla answered quietly. Her brain was clouded as it still tried to process all the hormones of luck that rushed through every pore of her body. Right now, she wasn’t able to gather a proper thought. “Yeah I just came” she mumbled hypnotized. She heard Samuel laugh under the table, her body stiffening as she realized what she just said.

“What did you say?” Michelle asked, “we didn’t hear you.”

“I – I said that I’m done with my part” Carla stuttered, a deep blush creeping up on her cheeks as she playfully kicked Samuel under the table.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So apparently next to writing fluff writing Samuel and Carla do dirty shit has become one of my favorite things to do now haha :D Hope you liked it!


	28. Hope

Too many bottles of this wine we can't pronounce  
Too many bowls of that green, no Lucky Charms  
The maids come around too much  
Parents ain't around enough  
Too many joy rides in daddy's Jaguar  
Too many white lies and white lines  
Super rich kids with nothing but loose ends  
Super rich kids with nothing but fake friends

_Super Rich Kids - Frank Ocean, Earl Sweatshirt_

_Monday, 17 th May, 17.34_

The car ride was quiet. Neither Samuel nor Carla was in a mood to talk as they drove to the airport. They both sat on the backseats of the cab, clutching each other’s hands. Carla’s grip around Samuel’s hand was so tight that it hurt, but he didn’t tell her to loosen it. Because the physical pain seemed to be an appropriate representation of the pain he felt in his chest right now. Or no, that wasn’t exactly true. The pain in his chest was worse, way worse.

Carla closed her eyes as she exhaled shakily. She looked out of the window with an unfocused stare, her neck bent so far that it hurt. But she couldn’t turn her head around now, she couldn’t look into Samuel’s sad eyes. She already was on the verge of crying, eyes burning and lips trembling, and she was sure she couldn’t handle it if she turned around and found him with tears in his eyes, too.

Suddenly, Carla’s thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of a phone. She turned around in slight surprise as Samuel began to fiddle around in his jeans pocket to get his phone out.

Samuel stared at the screen. For a second, he thought about not answering the call, but then he decided against it. He knew that the person on the other end would be unnecessarily worried if he didn’t answer.

“Hi Mom” he smiled at his phone, holding it up before his face to answer the video call properly.

“Heyy Samu”, Pilar smiled brightly at the sight of her son, “how are you? Do you still feel sick? I swear if you didn’t go to a doctor until now I –“

A smile crept onto Carla’s face as she noticed that Samuel began to shift in his seat, obviously a little embarrassed.

“It’s okay Mom, I’m fine. And I went to a doctor, yes”, then, he turned his phone around in an abrupt motion, “well actually, Carla convinced me to go.”

Her eyes widened in shock as she realized that Samuel’s mother could see her now. Before, she didn’t even know if Samuel had told her that they were together, thinking it would only be fair if he didn’t, because she definitely wasn’t going to tell it to her parents. But apparently, he’d told his mom.

“Hi Carla. How are you?”, Pilar smiled at her genuinely.

“Hello” she answered quieter than she intended to, “I’m fine, thanks. I hope everything’s fine in Morocco, too?”

She desperately tried to not think of the fact that she was one of the reasons, maybe even the main reason, that Samuel’s mother and brother were stuck in Morocco now. She just hoped Pilar wasn’t mad at her, or at least not mad at her anymore.

“Yeah, it’s okay, I guess. It’ll never be my favorite place to live in but it’s okay for now”, she shrugged and looked down for a moment, “but one day I’ll come back to Madrid, right Samu?”

Samuel nodded, a sad smile on his face. Carla rubbed his arm comfortingly as she felt his mood shift. She hated the thought that he felt alone, and she knew how much he loved his family.

One time he even showed her childhood pictures of him on a voluntary basis, only so that Carla could get an impression of his family. She remembers how her heart clenched at how cute he was as a child, with his big puppy dog eyes and lashes long as ever. Her favorite picture was the one where he sat at the kitchen table, drawing dinosaurs or whatever, with his pink tongue stuck out in the corner of his mouth (like it still does now while drawing) and the green pen far too big for his small hand.

“And then we’ll have a nice dinner evening together, all three of us”, Pilar continued in an attempt to cheer Samuel up, “you can already prepare yourself to hear the most embarrassing childhood stories of Samuel, Carla! Because I know I can’t keep them to myself after a couple of beers.”

“Mom!” Samuel complained, rolling his eyes in a funny way.

“I’d really like to hear them” Carla said enthusiastically, shooting Samuel a challenging smile.

After they chatted for a while, the cab driver announced that they’d arrive at the airport any minute now.

As Samuel ended the call, the atmosphere between them felt enlightened. Carla was really glad that Samuel’s mother acted so friendly and warm towards her, she immediately felt comfortable talking to her. And Samuel was happy that Carla smiled again and the sad look on her face had vanished now. It seemed like the imagination of having dinner with Samuel’s mom somewhere in the future reminded them of the fact that their goodbye wasn’t final. They would meet again, that was sure, even if they hadn’t planned a new meeting yet.

For Carla, exams would start soon, so she had to focus on university now. And Samuel wanted to work more again over the summer, after the finals were over and he'd relaxed for one or two weeks after them.

It wasn’t exactly easy to carry on a long-distance relationship for Samuel and Carla, especially with the distance between them being so big. But what other choice did they have?

And Carla would come back as soon as she ended her studies to take over the wineries, so they just had to hold on for the next two years, and then everything would be fine. Or at least that was what Samuel and Carla thought as they shared their last kiss for an uncertain time, Samuel’s eyebrows furrowing as the sweet taste of Carla’s lips was contaminated by a salty flavor. 

_Friday, 25 th June, 08.13_

Carla groaned as she was ripped out of her peaceful slumber by the vibrating sound of her phone. She breathed out in an exaggerated way before turning around slowly to grab it from the nightstand. She squinted her eyes at the screen, barely able to recognize the name that was showing up on her phone. 

“Mhm?” she just answered, already turning around and cuddling into her sheets again.

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Carlaaa, happy birthday to youuu!”

Carla rolled her eyes, not able to fight the smile that crept onto her face. “Please don’t ever sing again, that was horrible.”

“Charming as ever, good to know you’re not changing as you’re getting older”, Samuel chuckled, “how’s it going being nineteen now? Is getting out of bed even harder than before?”

Carla let out a loud yawn. “Apparently singing isn’t the only thing you’re bad at, you comedian.”

“But I have other qualities” Samuel protested with a smirk.

“And what kind of qualities should that be? It definitely isn’t cooking.”

“Hey, now you’re being mean! I’m way better at it now. Had a lot of time to practice the last weeks.”

That was true. After Samuel had successfully graduated at the beginning of June, he’d taken some time off at work and relaxed for a while. He even went on a short beach vacation with Guzman, although he would have preferred to spend his free time in London. But Carla was in the middle of her exams, and they weren’t easy to say at least. So, they both had decided that it would be best to not see each other until she finished them, because Carla didn’t want to fail under any circumstances. Not only because she was a perfectionist and cared about her grades way more now than back at school, but because failing exams meant that she had to retake them, which would prolong her studies in the worst case. And she didn’t want to spend a day longer in London than she had to.

It was not that she hated London. She never did, not even a few months ago as she’d been miserable as ever. She actually liked London, she was a sucker for the pretty old buildings that were scattered across the city and she couldn’t deny that she loved the royal family gossip which was definitely more present in England than it was in Spain.

She found herself at the supermarket magazine section more often than she’d like to admit, as she quickly browsed the latest tabloids in search for some scandalous information (which weren’t that scandalous at all most times, but in the context of something as prude and conservative as the royal family nearly everything was a scandal).

Sometimes, she really asked herself why she was so thrilled about these stupid stories when she herself had to endure many things that weren’t much different with her own family.

Keeping up the outer appearance at any price for example, and always leaving the impression of a perfect family. Or parents interfering into the choice of partners, forcefully trying to exclude everyone who wasn’t their class.

In the end, Carla came to the conclusion that she liked the gossip so much because she realized she wasn’t the only one having these problems.

Of course, she was aware that there were thousands of stories like hers, the rich girl and the poor boy. Lady and the Tramp, Grease, Titanic – she’d seen it all. But those were fictional stories, or stories that happened many years ago. And as evil as it sounded, but she was glad that out there, someone else had to suffer for the same reasons as her, even now in the 21st century. She wasn’t alone.

As she and Samuel continued to chat on the telephone, he told her that he felt bad for not celebrating with her for the near thousands time.

“It’s no problem, Samu. It’s not like it’s my last birthday, and I know that you have to work. Besides, I wouldn’t even have time for you when you came over”, she tried to sound as convincing as possible, “we both know how much you distract me from my university work.”

Samuel had to grin as Carla referred to the kitchen-table-encounter. It was still very present in his memory.

“But you liked it, didn’t you?” he asked, his voice raspier than he intended it to be.

“Of course I did, it was fucking hot” she said, matching his seductive tone.

“But I really need to get up now, Samu, I have to study for at least a few hours before I’ll invade my kitchen.”

“Alright, but don’t forget to talk to Mr. Anderson, he might have something in store for you” Samuel tried to give her a subtle hint, which wasn’t so subtle at all.

“Ohh, does he? Well that’s a good motivation to get up.”

With that, Carla decided to reschedule her day and do the grocery-shopping first (which was more successful now she followed Samuel’s advice on writing down everything in the supermarket-order), so that she’d meet Mr. Anderson as soon as possible.

When she came back from her short trip and entered the house, he immediately began to rummage around under his desk, fetching a flower bouquet and a small package with a warm smile.

“Thank you so much” Carla spoke into her phone as she and Samuel talked for the second time that day. This time, it was a video call, because Samuel insisted on _seeing the birthday girl_.

“Do you like it?”

Carla nodded with a loving smile as she sat at her living room table, the bouquet of flowers and a pretty new postcard next to her and a delicate golden necklace around her neck.

“It’s so pretty, I’ll never take it off again.”

Samuel smiled back, proud and relieved that she liked his present.

“And the postcard is very sweet, too. Thank you.” Carla grabbed the postcard again to look at it. It had a pretty pink color, with red hearts and flowers and strawberries all over it. To others, it may look a bit (or very) kitschy, but she just loved it. The pretty bright colors were perfectly resembling the love they felt for each other, and on top of that they fitted the pink blossoms in the flower bouquet.

In the afternoon, after Carla had tortured her brain with the basic principles of microeconomics for a few hours, she went into the kitchen to prepare dinner. She’d invited her friends over, consisting of Michelle, Amy and Chloe as well as Luke, Jack and Thomas.

During the last weeks, she often met up with Michelle and the boys. They were a fun group, but still very laid back and chill. Not as much drama as there was within their all girls group, especially with Chloe. It seemed that the antipathy between the two girls had worsened since Luke’s birthday.

Carla had the suspicion that it had to do something with Samuel, but at the same time she found it extremely dumb. It wasn’t her fault that most of the boys weren’t into Chloe, she just wasn’t the kind of girl guys wanted to have around, at least when they had serious intentions.

That girl simply was too exhausting to spend more than a few hours with, and Carla knew that it was mean because Chloe surely had her issues and there had to be a reason for her jealous and loud and obnoxious behavior, but at the same time she couldn’t maintain a neutral position when it came to her. She just annoyed her so much, it even made Carla aggressive. She vividly remembers the time she was on the brink of pouring her glass of champagne into the girl’s face as she made another snarky remark about something that was so entirely irrelevant, like the color of another girl’s dress or a pair of shoes she didn’t like.

But still, Carla didn’t want to cause any distress in their girl group, so she invited Chloe as well. And to her surprise, she behaved pretty good during the evening. Even if her reserved behavior surely wasn’t for the sake of giving Carla a peaceful birthday celebration, but because Chloe kept an eye on Jack and apparently not wanted to scare him off like many guys before, Carla was happy that she wasn’t as annoying or unfriendly as she normally was.

She didn’t even criticize the food Carla prepared, which she would have done to a hundred percent if the boys weren’t around. There was only one moment in which Carla had to bite her tongue during the evening, and that was as Chloe began to philosophize about the white wine she’d served. But she decided that it just wasn’t worth to start a fight about a comment as dumb as “This one has a peachy flavor” (when it really was apricot, and though Carla had to admit these two flavors were pretty similar, to her they still tasted like two different worlds).

Altogether, they had a nice evening of talking and laughing and joking around, and Carla fell asleep with a smile on her face as she was lying in bed a few hours later, exhausted but completely content. She really hoped that it would be the same with the next guests she awaited, the one’s that’d visit her tomorrow. Because she knew that dealing with her parents would definitely require a lot more self-control of her than to just stay quiet during stupid wine remarks. 


	29. Shattered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! As I'm going on a small vacation over the weekend, I've decided to give you one last update today because I didn't want to leave you hanging thinking about how Carla's birthday party with her parents went :D
> 
> Have fun reading! :)

As faces start to fade  
They're slipping through my hands  
It's where my heart was made  
And my feet will always land

_Mother & Father – Broods_

_Saturday, 26 th June, 16.27_

Carla looked around in the kitchen as she stood at the counter, tapping her index finger onto its polished surface. _Did I forget anything_?

The cake she’d prepared stood next to her, the champagne was cold, and the air was filled with the pleasant smell of freshly made coffee. She also had set the table in the living room, using the fancy tableware that had a pretty floral pattern on it, perfectly fitting the flower bouquet that still stood on the table.

She wanted everything to look perfect. Her parents should see how well she could live on her own and that she didn’t need them anymore.

Although she’d been really surprised (and happy) as her father called to tell her that they’d visit her, she still felt a little insecure. Because truth was that she was afraid her parents would try to control and manipulate her again when they registered her insecurities. And she couldn’t let that happen again. So, she needed to keep her self-control under any circumstances. And a neat and organized outer appearance was one of the prerequisites of leaving a secure and, even more important, controlled impression.

Her heart jumped as she heard the doorbell. She couldn’t deny the nervousness that arose in her chest as she walked to the door. It would be the first time she’d see her parents since Christmas.

“Hello darling” her father greeted her calmly. Her mother stood behind him with a warm look on her face.

Carla couldn’t help herself but engulf both of her parents into a tight hug. The sight of two familiar people in the place that still didn’t feel like home to her just overwhelmed her. And she loved her parents, of course she did.

Though she couldn’t figure out yet _why_ she still loved them, despite everything that they’d done to her. But it wasn’t like you could simply erase the feelings you had for the people that have raised you. In the end, they were her family.

“Mhm, that looks good” her father eyed the cake as they stood in the kitchen.

“You’ll love it”, Carla smiled as she popped the champagne bottle open, “there’s about half a kilogram of sugar in it.”

Teodoro let out a chuckle, smiling at her.

“One day the two of you will get diabetes” her mother said in a scolding tone, shaking her head with a smile as she looked around in the kitchen.

“Did you hire the cleaning lady we recommended you?”

“No”, Carla answered, slightly defiant, “I don’t need someone to clean up after me. And I don’t want anyone in my apartment except for the people I invite.”

“Carla”, Beatriz took her daughter’s hands into hers in a gesture that should appear caring, when in reality it was ridiculous, “you know that these cleaning products aren’t good for your skin.”

“Pff”, Carla shook her hands off. “I’m sure my skin isn’t any different from the one of the cleaning personnel.”

The look her mother had on her face after her answer reminded Carla of the day she came home from a long shopping trip with Marina at age fourteen, her nose and bellybutton freshly pierced, announcing that she’d be a vegetarian from now on (which Carla only held onto until their next vacation in Croatia where they visited her favorite steakhouse, but that was another story).

It was this look that said: _Come on Carla, you know that you’re better than this. You’re a marchioness. And marchionesses don’t have piercings, they don’t get engaged in animal welfare (at least not when it isn’t for the sake of leaving a good impression in the media), and they certainly don’t clean their own apartments._

“Whatever you say, darling”, Beatriz said, seemingly wanting to avoid any further discussion as she raised her glass of champagne at her, “to our wonderful daughter.”

Carla had a wide smile plastered across her face as she toasted with her parents.

“Should we eat the cake now?” she suggested. “We have a table at eight already, I picked a really nice restaurant. Not that we’re still full when we go there.”

The smile on her parents faces began to fade.

“Oh Carla, hasn’t your father told you?”, Beatriz looked at her husband strictly, “we’ve already booked a table for tonight. One of your father’s business partners will join us.”

_So that was what their visit was all about._

Carla did her best to hide the crushing disappointment she felt at her mother’s words.

_Of course, they wouldn’t just come to London to spend time with me. It’s about business. As always._

Her father looked up at her, tearing off his gaze from his champagne glass. “I’m sorry, darling. I must’ve forgotten to tell you”, he slowly approached Carla, putting his hand on her arm in an excusing gesture, “it was a bit spontaneous, you know. But we’ll have a good time, anyway. And you won’t get bored. Mr. Collins will bring his son, too. He’s a very nice young man your age, and he’s already leading his own company.”

Carla stepped back abruptly, breaking the body contact. Her heart sped up as she tried to hide the disgusted look that wanted to creep onto her face.

Instead, she squeezed her eyes at him, nostrils flaring as anger arose inside of her.

“That’s a joke, right?”, she whispered in a dangerous tone, “you try to pair me off with someone? Again? After everything that has happened?”

Carla’s gaze flickered over to her mother furiously. Beatriz clutched her champagne glass as she cleared her throat quietly, shifting in her position.

“Carla, calm down”, her father exhaled deeply, “we’re not trying to pair you off. We just thought you could use some company at your age tonight. Don’t be angry, okay? Your mother and I really looked forward to spend time with you today.”

Carla rolled her eyes as she scoffed at his weak argumentation. Was he really thinking that she would be this dumb? That was insulting, honestly. Her parents were here for approximately fifteen minutes and already managed to fuck her up again, it was impressive.

But then, Carla reminded herself of the mission she was in, which consisted of keeping her composure and not losing control. So, she decided to play along.

“Alright”, she simply answered, stubbornly avoiding to look at her parents as she chugged down her entire glass of champagne, “then we’ll have a good time together now, won’t we?”

Beatriz began to fumble around in her bag, pulling out a small present.

“But before we eat, we want to give you something”, she took a step forward in order to reach Carla the present.

“A new car?” Carla held out the keys in front of her face with raised eyebrows.

She really was a bit surprised at that. Because she already had a car, and if her parents spoke to her on a regular base, they would have known that she barely used it, because driving in the city traffic of London actually wasn’t that much fun.

“Not just a car”, Teodoro said in an educational tone, “it’s a Ferrari. Custom-made just for you, though it still has the classical and timeless red color. And it has its driver’s seat on the right side, of course. Not like your old car.”

Carla nodded, smiling slightly. “Thank you.”

The seat argument was definitely good, because driving a left-sided car in right-hand-traffic wasn’t only unpractical, but dangerous at times. Still, she didn’t really need a new car. She was fine with walking or taking a cab, and she even took the subway a few times, (though she found it a bit scary to say at least).

“How about I’ll cut the cake and you already take a seat in the living room?” Carla then suggested, her tone a little too friendly since she was still faking her good mood.

Her parents both nodded, leaving the kitchen to walk into the living room.

“Those drawings look very good” her mother said loudly so Carla could her hear in the kitchen.

Carla squeezed her eyes shut as she abruptly stopped cutting the cake, her lips pressed into a tight line.

“Thank you”, she said nervously, “I thought the apartment could use some decoration.”

After Carla finished cutting the cake, she quickly grabbed it and hurried into the living room, not wanting to give her parents any more chances to question her about the postcards. Unfortunately, her plan didn’t work out.

She felt her breath hitch in her throat as she walked through the door frame, finding her father standing next to the flower bouquet with the pink postcard in his hands.

 _Shit shit shit shit._ Carla cursed herself for not putting the postcard away. It’d still been leaned against the vase. How could she make such a dumb and fatal mistake?

Teodoro looked up from the backside of the postcard, a death glare on his face.

There was no denying that the author of the words was her boyfriend, or at least her lover. One couldn’t misguide it as something _a friend has written for her._

She clearly remembers the loving sentences, word by word.

_Dear Carla, I want to wish you a happy birthday. I hope that you have a good time celebrating, even if we can’t see each other. I’m so happy to have you by my side, you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. I love you so much, and I miss you every day. I can’t wait to see you again. And remember that I’m always there for you, no matter what happens. Love, Samuel x_

Nope, there wasn’t the slightest chance those words could be misguided.

Carla set down the cake slowly, still staring at her father. Then, Teodoro broke the stare. He turned the card around in an agonizingly slow motion, making Carla feel like he was turning a knife around in her stomach. He intensely inspected the motive, grazing her face with his glare before turning his head to look at the wall, plastered with framed postcards. There were sixteen of them.

For Samuel, it hadn’t been enough to send her just one postcard every week. Sometimes, he’d send her two, or even three. And though the motives were wide-ranged, from flowers and landscapes to cats or the silhouette of a naked woman, there was no denying that all of the postcards were from the same artist, including the one in her father’s hand.

And while Carla had always admired the unmistakable style of Samuel’s drawings, it was exactly this style that caused an inevitable storm brew together right over their heads in that moment.

Carla walked over to her father with shaky legs, ripping the postcard away from his hands.

“That’s none of your business”, she clutched it tightly, her chest rising and falling in a heavy motion.

Teodoro looked at his wife with a serious expression, confirming the suspicion Beatriz already had, even when she didn’t read the card.

“You’re bonding with this Samuel again? Carla, please, don’t be stupid” her father said calmly, almost pitiful.

“I said it’s none of your business” she crossed her hands over her chest in a desperate attempt to keep her composure.

“Well, it surely is. Can’t you see why this guy is together with you? I’ve seen the neighborhood he comes from, and you did, too. What do you think does a guy like him want from a girl like you?”

“He loves me. And I love him, too” Carla answered stubbornly.

“Don’t be childish”, Teodoro took a step into her direction, “we both know that you’re smarter than this.”

“So, you can’t believe that someone actually loves me for me, and not for my money? Am I that horrible, really?”

She felt her eyes welling up with tears already, ashamed at the amount of self-pity that was dripping from her words.

“If you want to become a businesswoman”, her father said, his tone becoming stricter as he noticed the emotions welling up in his daughter’s face, “then you better start thinking like one. If you keep letting your emotions get in the way, you’ll never make it far. The world is cruel, Carla. And for that reason, we raised you to be a strong independent woman. Not a pitiable misery that loses her head as soon as someone comes along with a few cheap romantic gestures.”

The cold words of her father only fueled Carla’s anger. In that moment, she gave up trying to keep her composure. It had no sense, really.

“You raised me to be a strong independent woman?”, she raised her voice furiously, her intense stare flickering between both of her parents, “that is what you believe? Well, I guess it’s time for the truth now. And the truth is, that I _was_ a pitiable misery until Samuel came along! He helped me to get out of it!”

Tears began to stream down Carla’s face as she sobbed in order to get new air into her burning lungs. “Because your perfect little daughter didn’t spend her time studying hard to take over the family business someday! No actually, the most time I spent with partying, taking so many drugs that I couldn’t remember what happened the night before.”

She let out a desperate laugh, the shock on her parents faces only encouraging her to go on. “I can’t remember what happened in those nights. I only remember that I woke up at foreign places every morning. Actually, I think I’ve slept with half London. Or maybe even three-quarter of London, who knows that?” she shrugged carelessly with a grin on her face, her eyes already deeply red.

“Carla, that’s enough!” Her mother tried to shut her up. Apparently, she was extremely uncomfortable.

“No, actually, it’s not” Carla bit back, "because I haven’t told you the reason for all that yet, did I? So, do you maybe want to hear why _exactly_ I practiced something my therapist refers to as _risky sexual behavior?”_

She saw her father close his eyes, apparently not less uncomfortable than her mother. And Carla deeply hoped that they felt uncomfortable, she planned on making them even more uncomfortable now.

“Because my parents, especially my dear father, not only forced me to hide a murder, which is already fucked up but actually the least evil – no, they also forced me into a relationship I didn’t want to be in. And by the way, they also threatened to kill the boy I loved, but that’s another story, is it, Daddy?” Carla squinted her eyes at her father, “anyway, the real reason for my _risky sexual behavior_ is that I thought when even my parents treat me as a whore, then maybe that’s what I truly am. Maybe that’s what I deserve. Being fucked instead of being loved."

“Carla, I’m so sorry” Teodoro said quietly, the pleading tone in his voice giving Carla a slight feeling of satisfaction.

“You’re sorry? Well, that’s great. And it helps me a lot to know that you’re sorry when I wake up from my nightmares, dreaming of Samuel’s death or being sexually abused again! You know what, I think you just healed my trauma! Thank you, Dad!”

Carla noticed that the fake-enthusiastic tone in her voice made her sound a bit manic, but she couldn’t care less right now. Because that’s what she was, wasn’t it? A bit manic.

“Stop talking to your father like that” her mother’s words were sharp like a knife.

“We always tried to give you everything you wanted, and not once have you thanked us for that. You always took everything for granted. All the chances we gave you, everything we made possible for you. And I’m so tired of your constant complains and mood swings, and your father is, too. I can’t even count the times you disappointed us. We always tried to stand behind you and protect you from everything, but that’s over now. We will stay in contact for business, but that’s it. And don’t you think you can show up to any family celebration acting as if everything’s fine. I don’t want to see you in my house anymore, is that clear?”

Carla swallowed in shock. She’d never seen her mother like that before. But she wasn’t giving in, not now. Her blood was still boiling, and she wouldn’t let them threaten her anymore.

“Oh, that’s a great loss for me, that you’re not standing behind me anymore. You supported me so great during the last months, and I don’t even want to begin with all the happy family celebrations we had together. I’ll miss it so much! Really, Mom.”

“It wouldn’t wonder me”, her mother stepped closer to her, her words not more than a furious whisper, “if that Samuel really was with you only for the money. It’s the only logical explanation to be honest, considering how rude you behave all the time. That’s not exactly loveable.”

Oh wow, that hurt.

Before Carla could think of a comeback, her mother turned around, walking out of the room. Carla just stood there, still shocked about how cruel the words from her mom were.

As she heard the apartment door being slammed shut forcefully, she looked at her father. He still stood in his position near the flower bouquet, seemingly contemplating on what to do now.

“What?”, Carla nodded her head at him provocatively, “any other cruel things you’ve always wanted to tell me?”

In that moment, Carla was completely unaware of the amount of cruelty his next words would have.

“I will always love you”, her father said. Carla couldn’t believe it as she saw his eyes getting glassy with tears. “And I’m still proud of you, even after everything that has happened.” 

He carefully approached her, wiping away the tears on her cheeks lovingly. “Keep your tail up, darling. I know you’ll make it. You’re a fighter. Always were.”

He smiled softly before giving her a lingering kiss onto the forehead. Carla closed her eyes in pain as he did so.

“Goodbye, Carla.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I spent the whole afternoon writing this & I don't know but it just was the most intense writing session I had so far. I got into it so much I was actually starting to get angry, heart racing and everything - it was crazy. But I also enjoyed it, it's like I released all of my bottled up emotions into this chapter (I didn't know I had so much anger in me as I'm usually very content and happy with my life haha).
> 
> I don't know if you noticed the intensity while reading but if you did I want to excuse for upsetting you! 
> 
> I'm gonna make myself a nice salad now & search for something fluffy on Netflix to calm down again :D


	30. Efficency

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I'm back from my vacation, I had a good time with my friends & am happy to write and post again.
> 
> As you'll notice, I found a song named "Carla". As I really like that song, I looked up the band behind it and guess what I found out - the singer's name is Samuel! Such a funny coincidence. And on top of that, the band was originated in London. Sadly, it doesn't exist anymore. Anyway, now I have that AU scenario in my head in which Samuel is an indie rock singer and Carla is dragged along to one of his concerts (maybe by her alternative friend Marina who didn't die in high school in this universe), and of course, Carla hates the music with all her heart. She hates the music, and even more she hates being pushed around in the dancing area in front of the shitty little stage in that shitty litte shed the concert takes place in, so she just stands there, sipping on her beer with disgust and looking at her watch every five minutes, waiting for the evening to end... Arrghh I have already too.many.ideas for that :D But first I'll focus on this fic or else I'm never going to finish it..So as always , have fun reading! :)

_Carla, you don't say much  
About all of the pain that you feel _

_Carla - Life in Film_

_Saturday, 26 th June, 23.50_

Samuel let himself fall down on his bed with a thud. He’d just gotten home from an 8-hour-shift and was utterly tired. He unlocked his phone and sighed. Except for drunk voice messages from Guzman and Rebeka who desperately tried to convince him of joining them at a pub, he had no new messages.

Normally, he wasn’t that nervous when it came to Carla not texting him back for a few hours, and it was the same the other way around (except for when Carla wanted to know if Samuel got home safely, of course. She was still a little anxious when it came to that topic, and Samuel tried his best to be considerate with her).

But today was different. Because Samuel knew that Carla’s parents visited her today, and he knew that their relationship was difficult. He thought about the day Carla called him to tell him that they’d visit her, and a small smile formed on his lips as he stared at the ceiling with the back of his head resting on his hands.

At first, Samuel was extremely skeptical, but as he heard how excited she was, going on and on about which cake she’d prepare and which restaurant she wanted to visit with them, he couldn’t help himself but be happy for her. Even when she almost never showed it, she still cared about her parents very much. And Samuel wasn’t the one to judge that. He hated her parents for what they did to her, yes, but he couldn’t hold it against her that she still tried to maintain a halfway proper relationship with them. Because he still loved his family, too, even when things weren’t always rosy. He knew how it felt to care for people even though they didn’t deserve it, and he was well aware of the fact that you couldn’t just shut your emotions off.

To the contrary, he was very glad Carla chose to share her emotions with him. She’d became more open about them lately, honestly telling him when she had a bad day or when she had a nightmare again.

And though Samuel hated that he couldn’t cradle her in his arms and calm her down with whispered declarations of love, sheltering her from all her sorrows and fears with his warmth, he always listened to what she had to say. And she seemed to enjoy his attention, talking about everything and nothing without second thoughts. Samuel loved how talkative she could get when she was in the mood for it, and he tried to absorb every detail of the stories she told him.

But it wasn’t just her words he tried to preserve in his brain. Samuel found himself getting lost in looking at her while she talked more often than he’d like to admit, because adoring her looks often was accompanied by him zooming out completely and not listening to her actual words anymore, which left him behind with a bad conscience every single time.

He excused his behavior with the fact that he just couldn’t withstand the amount of cuteness Carla had to offer. Because really, she had the most adorable facial expressions accompanying her storytelling, like the way her nose crinkled when she tried her best not to laugh during a funny story, or how her brows furrowed and cheeks flushed when she got angry. But Samuel’s favorite thing was how she evasively looked up and awkwardly gesticulated with her hands while she told him something embarrassing, like the time her phone rang in the middle of a lecture or when she spilled her coffee at the cafeteria (right onto her new white shirt, of course). He liked the embarrassing stories the most because they reminded him that he wasn’t the only one in their relationship who could be a dork at times. Actually, Carla was a serious competitor when it came to being dorky. It was obvious to a point in which Samuel wondered how on earth she’d managed to hide away her clumsiness so well back in school.

His eyes began to get heavy as he thought about the last text he’d sent her, and whether the lack of an answer from her was a good or a bad sign. In the end, he came to the conclusion that it must be a good sign, it simply meant that she was still occupied. They probably sat inside of an immorally expensive restaurant over a dessert decorated with golden foil right now, with Carla talking about her studies and how she could use her newly acquired knowledge to improve the winery business and her parents telling her that realizing those theoretical ideas is harder than it seems, counteracting her (in their eyes slightly naive) enthusiasm.

 _Yeah, that’s how their evening probably went,_ Samuel thought as his breathing got heavier and he drifted into a deep slumber, _at least I hope so._

“Fuck yeah, that’s my girl!” Amy exclaimed happily as she watched Carla down her third shot in a row, “I almost forgot how much fun you were at parties!”

Carla tried to keep a straight face as she felt the alcohol making its way down to her stomach, leaving behind a strong burn as it did so. For a second, she felt dizzy, which made her shake her head a little to go back to seeing just one Amy instead of two.

“And I almost forgot how insatiable you were when it comes to shots”, she answered, referring to Amy’s insistence of buying three shots instead of just one, like normal people do.

“But its more efficient”, Amy explained a little too serious given the fact they were just talking about the normal rate of shots you buy at a club. The look she had on her face reminded Carla of one of her professors, who always was a little too passionate about marketing strategies on Monday mornings.

She held her hand in front of her mouth to hide away the goofy drunk giggle that escaped it at her last thought, not wanting to not offend her friend, who still talked about the oh-so-sensible topic.

“It’s a simply calculation. How long did we wait in line for our drinks? About ten minutes? Fifteen, even? Just imagine how much time we’d spent waiting here if we only bought one shot every time. We’d spent like…”, Amy had a concentrated look on her face, counting her fingers like a six-year old, “three hours waiting in line?”

This time Carla couldn’t hide her laugh, which made Amy reconsider her calculation.

“No wait!”, she exclaimed, “it’s one and a half hour! One and a half! But when you add the waiting time for the toilet three hours isn’t unrealistic!”

Carla rolled her eyes in a loving way, grabbing Amy’s hand to drag her onto the dancefloor. “I got it, I got it. Now come on, you math genius. Time to dance.”

_Sunday, 27 th June, 7.04_

Carla woke up with a headache. She turned around slowly, checking the time on her phone. 7 am? Really? Did her body have nothing more productive to do instead of waking up so early on Sunday mornings? Like processing the unnecessarily high amount of alcohol she’d consumed last night?

She slowly lifted herself out of her bed, trotting into the kitchen with lazy steps. She yawned as she opened the fridge, only to immediately stiffen as she opened her eyes after her yawn and looked at its insides.

 _Fuck, there it is again,_ Carla swallowed down the ridiculously small amount of spit her dry and alcohol-tortured throat had to offer as she looked at the thing that reminded her of all the pain and misery she’d desperately tried to forget last night.

 _Maybe I’ll invite some of my friends over to help me get rid of it as fast as possible_ , she thought. But she quickly discarded that thought. Because the chances were too high that they’d ask inquisitive questions. Questions she had no answers for (or she had answers for, but she didn’t want to talk about them, really).

 _God Carla, don’t dramatize this more than necessary,_ her still halfway-drunk brain scolded her, _it’s not like you have a dead body in your fridge. Just throw the fucking cake away._

But she didn’t like throwing food away, especially food she put so much effort into. Then again, there was no way she’d be eating that whole cake alone.

 _Or maybe I_ do _eat it alone. Eat cake for breakfast, eat cake for lunch and eat cake for dinner. For the next three days. Maybe I’ll even have cake as a midnight snack. Maybe I’ll never stop eating cake for every meal of the day ever again and just lock myself in for the rest of my days, living my miserable cake life._

Carla hastily grabbed a bottle of water and slammed the fridge door shut with so much force she heard the insides shake. Her already large frustration grew even larger as she realized that overcoming the little pity-party she threw herself yesterday afternoon had worked only temporal. Partying with Amy didn’t seem to be a long-term solution of her problems, what a surprise.

Because what happened yesterday, after her parents left her, couldn’t be described as anything else than a pity-party, at least out of Carla’s perspective. For others, lying in bed in a dark room and crying their heart out for five hours may be a normal reaction to practically being outcasted by their own family, but for Carla, it wasn’t.

Self-pity never was a way of how she handled problems, because it seemed pathetic and whiny and pitiable and weak – all the things she always tried not to be. But apparently, things have changed. She didn’t lock her emotions away anymore, her therapist had patiently practiced that with her. But Carla couldn’t say that she liked this new form of processing crises. It didn’t seem very efficient to her when she had to spend so much time letting out all her emotions instead of just bottling them up and pulling herself together to do more useful things, like studying or going to the gym.

Actually, those two activities were things she’d planned for today, but right now she didn’t know if she was capable of anything other than lying in bed all day and drowning in her hangover (and her sadness). And there was a third thing on her agenda, which effectively counteracted her cake-as-every-meal-of-the-day-plan. She had a virtual date with Samuel tonight that included ordering pizza, it was their little Sunday-tradition.

She felt a bad conscience creep up as she realized that she hadn’t answered his last texts yet, but honestly, she had no clue what she should answer. A deep breath escaped her as she looked at their chat.

_Yesterday, 19.37: How’s it going with your parents?_

_Yesterday, 23.41: Carla? Everything alright? Just wanted to tell you that I got home from work safely. I’m going to sleep now, it’s been a long day. Can’t wait to see you tomorrow :) <3_

It wasn’t like she didn’t have any answers to his questions. Actually, she’d love to rant about how shitty yesterday has been.

_It was absolutely terrible, Samuel. And that’s not only caused by the fact my parents actually came to London for a business meeting instead of my birthday. No, the real fun started when my father read the last postcard you’d sent me, which I accidentally forgot on top of the living room table. I don’t know how I could’ve been so dumb, really. Well, back to the story. As you can imagine, my parents didn’t take the news all too well. They practically told me that you’re just with me for the money, like they can’t imagine someone actually loves me. And my moth-er made that even clearer after I told her about everything that had happened the last months, the drug thing and…that I slept with so many guys, you know. She told me that I’m not loveable and she can’t count the times I’ve disappointed her and that she doesn’t want to see me inside of her house anymore, and then she simply left. And my father just stared at me with a weird look on his face, and then – believe it or not – he told me that he loves me and that he’s still proud of me! It was like they were playing good cop, bad cop – insane, really. But in the end, they both left. They left me standing there even though I just told them I had a drug problem and am currently seeing a therapist, like they didn’t even think about the fact that they probably made things worse for me all over again. They don’t love me at all, do they? I think my father simply lied as he told me that he loves me to hurt me even more. I mean, what kind of parents can do this to their child, Samuel? How cruel can people be? And all I have left now is a ridiculously big cake and a custom-made Ferrari. I hate my life. But I hate myself even more for thinking that things could go back to normal again. I’m so stupid and naive. And I’m pathetic as well. Because I was actually disappointed, like I didn’t see the disaster coming. And then I'd spent the whole afternoon in bed, crying and sleeping and crying again, only to get up at ten to chug the leftover bottle of champagne and then go to a club with Amy where I topped the champagne off with shots and gin-tonic and more shots and about three Cosmopolitans. I even took one of the cigarettes Amy offered me! Can you imagine that, me smoking? I know you find it disgusting, and I did, too. I had roughly half a pack of chewing gums after it, I really didn’t know what happened there. It seems like I’ve just lost control._

_Fuck no._ There wasn’t a chance she could tell Samuel all that. He’d left no doubt about how proud he was of her during the last weeks. Proud that she got rid of her self-destructive behavior, of hiding her emotions, of taking drugs, of having sex with strangers (well, even if that was self-evident given the fact she was in a relationship with him now. She may had been a liar, but she’d never be a cheater).

And he always asked her if there was anything she wanted to share with him, putting on the soft and loving look he knew Carla couldn’t resist. She couldn’t _not_ speak when he looked at her with an expression that gave away nothing but love and trust and security, and she was sure he was well aware of the effect he had on her. Additionally, he always thanked her for sharing intimate thoughts or feelings with him, like he wanted to reward her so that she’d do it more often. 

At one point it had been so obvious that Carla was close to telling him she wasn’t one of Pavlov’s dogs and he wouldn’t get her to talk every time he made that face, but then she bit back her snarky comment, realizing that he just did it because he tried to help her get better.

But now it seemed like she actually got to prove her resistance against the conditioning Samuel used to practice on her.

Simply because she didn’t want him to worry about her, she didn’t want him to realize what a dumb and naive person he had as a girlfriend and mostly, she didn’t want to disappoint him by revealing that she apparently got back to self-destruction as a form of coping. It wasn’t like she planned on doing that again, the drinking-so-much-the-cab-driver-hands-you-a-plastic-bag-thing. She didn’t particular enjoy being that drunk. It was much effort to get so much alcohol into her system that she actually start to feel good. Because judging by how miserable she was yesterday, the amount of drinks she’d needed to forget about the worst fight she ever had with her parents (and the last one, probably), was huge.

 _Actually_ , _instead of drinking what felt like several liters of Alcohol_ , Carla thought with a mixture of guilt and shame (why though, when she just tried to be efficient?), _it would’ve been much easier for me to just take – no. Fuck, no,_ _Carla. Don’t even think about it._

_Sunday, 27 th June, 19.00_

“Hey Babe”, Samuel waved into his laptop camera.

“Babe? Seriously?” Carla raised her eyebrows, hiding a smirk.

Samuel shrugged a little as he tried to stay serious, but Carla could see the mischievous spark in his eyes. He was playful. “Just felt a little macho and wanted to try out a nickname for you.”

“Uhh, lucky me” Carla said theatrically, “since you only tried it out, chances are high you won’t do it again, will you?”

“Don’t tell me you didn’t like it, babe” Samuel winked at her.

Carla held her middle finger into the camera as a response, but Samuel still didn’t let go of the nickname topic.

“What else am I supposed to call you? I don’t have any nicknames for you” he said almost defiantly, “there aren’t any cool nicknames for Carla. And I won’t call you Marquesa or Blondie, I don’t like these names.”

“Well, at least I was lucky enough that my parents didn’t choose a name you could make silly nicknames out of” Carla’s eyes grew wide as she realized that she just brought up the topic she urgently wanted to avoid tonight.

Until now, she’d hoped that texting Samuel “ _We had a good time. It went better than I expected, actually”_ in response would be enough for him to not ask any further questions about her parents. And she knew the whole time that the chances were low he wouldn’t ask, but now the chances were close to zero. But she could at least try to distract him from it, could she?

“But now I think about it, I actually had a nickname in primary school”, she did her best to draw his attention to her, “Guzman used to call me Carly. I hated it so much I tied his shoes together in P.E. as a revenge, which made him fall and hit his head, resulting in me having to write an essay about violence-free conflict solving as a punishment. As long as you can call eleven lined up sentences full of excuses and guilt an essay.”

Samuel let out a chuckle at her story as he thought about whether he and Carla would’ve been friends if they met in primary school, finally concluding that a friendship between the mini-versions of them would’ve been unlikely. Samuel was very quiet and shy as a kid, and while the other boys were playing football or scuffling around in the mud, he always sat on his favorite bench during the school breaks, reading or doodling around on everything he could find (like his hands, or the light wood he sat on). He hadn’t been exactly cool, to be honest. And if it weren’t for his older, intimidating brother who always kept an eye on him, he was sure he’d been exposed to far more bullying than he actually was during school.

The bench breaks were also the point in which his miserable career with girls started. Well, maybe the word miserable was a bit too harsh at this point. Because it wasn’t like they ignored him or made fun of him. No, to the contrary, they actively joined him as he sat there alone, asking him to draw flowers or hearts or butterflies on their forearms, always telling him he was so much better than the other boys who came back into the classroom with dirty clothes and scratched knees after break. But in the end, the girls were of course not interested in him as more than a friend. Because apparently, being _cute_ or _a good listener_ weren’t the qualities girls looked for in boys. Samuel spent the rest of his school years trying to figure out what exactly the thing was that prevented girls from falling for him. He never found out.

“What are you thinking of?”

Samuel snapped out of his thoughts, realizing he'd gotten lost in his childhood daydreams. “I thought about whether you and I would’ve liked each as other as kids.”

A warm smile emerged on Carla’s lips as she rested her chin on her hand. “What were you like? As a kid, I mean. The geek who always had his homework but let nobody copy it? Or were you actually one of the cool kids? Though I can’t imagine that.”

“Oh, thank you”, Samuel let out a little laugh before putting his prior thoughts into words.

“I definitely would’ve asked you to draw something on my wrist, that’s for sure”, Carla stated, “I was more of a quiet kid, too, actually. But I wasn’t shy, no, definitely not. And I wasn’t afraid of getting into trouble, I just thought it had no sense most of the time. My teachers always thought they needed to look out for me, the small blonde girl, you know. But it wasn’t like I couldn’t defend myself, I just chose to not make it obvious, so I always had the surprise effect on my side when I did. The story with Guzman was the first time I actually got punished for anything in school. It took my teachers three years to realize I didn’t need to be protected from the other kids, it was the other way around.”

“I don’t know if this is cool or scary”, Samuel mumbled, still lost in thoughts as he tried to imagine the surprise on eight-year-old Carla’s face as she got caught the first time.

Carla had a smirk on her lips. “It’s both, I think.”

Her smirk faded as she saw Samuel shift in his seat, signaling that he was about to change the topic.

“Speaking of childhood and all – how was your day with your parents? Did you have a nice evening, paying a restaurant bill that’s higher than my rent?”

She knew Samuel tried to make a joke to enlighten the atmosphere. It was safe to say it didn’t work.

For a second, Carla contemplated whether she could undo the everything-went-great-story she already started by telling him her text had been a lie. But she knew he wouldn’t be thrilled about her lying at him, and why start a fight when she could just avoid it by, well, lying even more? But she had good reason to, didn’t she? She just wanted to leave that topic behind her as soon as possible, and the story she’d already prepared in her head was simply the most efficient way to do so.

“I didn’t look at the bill, to be honest. But it wouldn’t surprise me if it was higher than your rent”, she tried to copy Samuel’s playful sound before getting a little more serious again, “the evening went pretty good, talked about this and that, the wineries and everything, you know.”

 _Yeah, that doesn’t sound exactly convincing. Remember what you read in that book one time?_ (Maybe, just maybe Carla read a book about how to establish the perfect lie one day). _Add details, many details, so many details it’s distracting, even. Make the lie authentic!_

“I had steak for dinner, it was terrifically good. It was so soft you could’ve cut it with a spoon. It was even better than the one’s I always eat in Croatia. I told you that we always go to a steak house when we’re on vacation in Croatia, did I? Honestly, I never would’ve thought the British cuisine could be this good.”

Samuel smiled at her. He seemed to take it. “I think the cuisine is good everywhere as long as you pay enough money for it.”

Carla went on talking about the Ferrari she got, making sure to emphasize how unnecessary the present was. She didn’t want to brag about it and definitely didn’t want to make Samuel jealous. But in the end, that was what she got as a present, and she couldn’t lie about that, too, could she? Because the secret ingredient of every lie was, well, a spark of truth.

“But I won’t lie to you, Samuel”, _very funny, Carla,_ “I don’t know if it’s smart for me to have too much contact with my parents again. Even if everything went well, it still felt like-I don’t know- like some sort of tension was in the air. I’m afraid things could escalate again when I get too close to them.”


	31. Lies

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again :) I know I took a bit longer to update, but I was a little busy the last days and on top of that I apparently had my first writer's block :o I just had to figure out some things with the plot and needed a few days to decide how it'll go on and yeah...I hope I made the right decisions haha.
> 
> Anyways, have fun reading! :)

I've been hangin' my hopes on all that you say  
Words won't fill in the holes if we've given up on findin' a way to hold on  
The world that we know will tremble and shake  
If we don't see it now, it won't be long before it breaks

_Fading - Shallou_

_Friday, 16 th July, 15.37_

“Hey”, Samuel’s voice was quiet as he spoke into the phone, “how was your exam?”

Carla nodded absentmindedly as she sat at her living room table, staring into her mug that was filled with tea. She had her hand clutched tightly around the uncomfortably hot porcelain, making her skin burn. Judging from the intensity of pain, she was sure it already had a scarlet red color. It was only now that she realized Samuel was still waiting for an answer from her as he naturally couldn’t see her nod through the phone call. She snapped out of her thoughts, shaking her head in an ever so slight motion.

“It was okay, I think”, a quiet sigh left her mouth, “well, actually I can’t really estimate how it went. But I had an answer to every question so…”

Samuel clutched his hand into a tight fist as he realized what he was doing. He’d stopped biting his nails when he was twelve, and he had no intention of picking the annoying habit back up again. He sat still only for a few seconds before his right foot began to tap on the floor, releasing the nervous energy that desperately wanted to leave his body. Today, he was especially thankful that his job as a waiter mostly consisted of walking around, because lately, moving seemed the only appropriate way to get rid of the indefinable bad feeling that crept up on him as soon as he came to rest.

“Carla”, he immediately regretted the way he blurted out her name, lowering his voice a little, “is everything okay?”

She frowned at his question, tightening her grip around the mug. “Yeah, of course it is, Samuel. I’m just a bit tired, you know. The exam’s and –“

“Sure”, a weird tremble accompanied the quiet tone of his voice. It sounded almost funny.

“I’m going to hang up now. Text me when you get home from work later.” Carla still had a deep frown on her face. She hated lying to him. And telling Samuel that everything was fine was a lie. A big one, actually.

The most tragic thing was that it wasn’t supposed to be like this. Hell, it was the last thing she wanted, lying to him again – almost all the time. There were no words that could describe how bad she felt about it. Her heart clenched together in pain every time she heard his small voice at the other end of the line.

Carla didn’t plan on lying to him constantly, she really didn’t. Originally, it had been just _one_ lie. That the day with her parents went well. But as she thought about it more closely, she realized it had been two lies, actually. Because she didn’t tell him about her party night with Amy, too. Not that anything bad happened there, lying about that was simply a consequence of her first lie.

And to be precise, all the following lies were a consequence of her first lie. It was like a snowball running down a hill, getting bigger and bigger until it became uncontrollable. And Carla had to admit that the following lies were dumb, funny even, but they were still lies. Like the time she told him she had salad for lunch when it actually was a piece of her remaining birthday cake (one half was stored in her freezer now, by the way), or when he asked if she’d drove her new car yet and she replied with fake excitement about how nice it was when in reality, she hadn’t put one foot into the shitty fucking car. Or the time she told him she’d gotten shampoo into her eyes when the truth was that she’d been crying for two hours because it was her mother’s birthday and she thought of all the times they’d celebrated it together, realizing that she’d probably never celebrate with her ever again. And not to be forgotten, all the times Carla told him that she was fine. That nothing was bothering her. That she was just stressed and tired. The lies were endless.

Of course, Samuel sensed that something was wrong. As he always did. But unlike he did back in school, he didn’t choose to directly confront her with his suspicions anymore. By now, he knew that Carla didn’t react all too well to direct confrontation and that he had to use a more sensible approach when it came to her. But even the sensible approach didn’t seem to work anymore. Nothing worked anymore. It was exhausting.

He didn’t even know when it started, this weird gut feeling telling him that something was going very, very wrong. He just remembered that he’d wondered about Carla’s expression one day as they had a video call. She’d talked about her day like she always did, but Samuel noticed at the first second that something was different this time. At first, he wasn’t able to exactly tell what it was, but as he finally realized what had disturbed him, he couldn’t unsee it. And with _it_ , he meant the lack of facial expressions Carla showed. No nose wrinkling, no cute smiles, no furrowed brows, no gesticulating hands. She just sat there, perfectly still, talking about her day as if she was reading it off somewhere and while doing so, her face appeared almost petrified – as if she was wearing a mask.

And then he realized it – she was lying. But about what did she lie? And why? What was it that she couldn’t tell Samuel? Of course, he was determined to find out. The problem was, that he just didn’t know _how_.

_Friday, 16 th July, 21.46_

Michelle and Luke gave each other a weird look as Carla came back into the living room with what happened to be the fourth bottle of wine. Since they were five people because Jack and Thomas also were sprawled across Carla’s couch, four bottles of wine didn’t seem that much. But considering the fact they were in the middle of their exams and decided to not drink too much, four bottles of wine were indeed a little much.

“Soo, who wants another glass?” Carla asked with enthusiasm. She looked at her friends expectantly, a tipsy grin on her face. Her cheeks were already flushed from the alcohol and her gaze slowly started to get glassy.

Michelle inhaled deeply as she nodded. “Okay, I’ll take one more glass, but it’ll be my last.”

Carla bit back a comment about how boring her friends had become lately as she filled up Michelle’s wine glass. The only thing that prevented the snarky remark leaving her lips was that deep inside, Carla knew they were right. Their next exam was on Tuesday, and she really shouldn’t be getting hammered tonight knowing she’ll urgently needed to study tomorrow. But on the other hand, she really needed to put her exhausted mind to rest, even if it were only for a few hours. And the outlook of falling asleep without tossing and turning for what felt like an eternity beforehand also encouraged her to drink.

It was only a few minutes later as Carla’s phone decided to interrupt their conversations. She quickly glanced at the screen before turning to Luke and Thomas again, whom she was talking to.

“Don’t you want to pick up?” Luke asked with a confused smile.

Carla furrowed her brows and waved her hand in an I-don’t-care-gesture. She really didn’t plan on dealing with the person that’d be on the other end of the line. “It’s nothing important.”

When her phone began to ring again around twenty minutes later, she closed her eyes and sighed in annoyance.

“You sure it’s nothing important?” Luke questioned again, a careful tone in his voice. He could tell Carla was deadly annoyed already, so he tried to not provoke her any more. He’d never seen Carla angry, and he definitely didn’t plan on doing so. He liked her, she was smart and could be very funny if she wanted to, but at the same time there was something about her that intimidated him in the most irritating way. And Luke always was someone to try and keep up harmony in his group of friends. That was what his friends liked the most about him – he was a friendly and open guy, could socialize with almost everyone, had his heart on the right side – but he was also deadly innocent, and when they described him as blue-eyed, they didn’t exactly refer to the color of his eyes. 

For that, he was pretty relieved as Michelle began to interfere into their conversation. “Who the fuck is this?” she asked, picking up Carla’s phone without hesitation.

Normally, Carla hated it when people were intruding her private sphere, but after what felt like her fifth glass of wine, she couldn’t bring herself to care.

“Who is Mrs. Shofield?” Michelle looked at Carla with raised brows, the vibrating phone still in her hand.

Carla shifted, taking her phone away from Michelle and looking at the screen skeptically before she turned to look at her friend again.

Carla’s tongue already felt heavy and she really had to concentrate to prevent her next words from slurring as she tried to sound as casual as possible.

“She’s my therapist. I already told you that I go to psychotherapy once a week, didn’t I? Because of some family issues.”

Her friends nodded slightly. Carla grabbed her wine glass and took two large slugs of the sweet rosé colored liquid as she registered the mixture of concern, sympathy and pity on their faces. It was awful. If there was any emotion she didn’t want anyone to feel towards her, then it was pity.

“And why is she calling you at ten on a Friday night?” Michelle asked quietly, already aware of the fact that it couldn’t mean any good.

“I don’t know”, Carla shrugged, masking a clueless expression. When no one answered her, she felt annoyance rise in her chest.

“What?” her gaze got angry as she stared into her friend’s eyes, alternating between them. Luke looked down onto his hands quickly, which gave Carla a superior feeling. He was the weakest out of their group, the first one to fall when it came to standing up against her.

The other boys seemed a little nervous, too. They weren’t prepared for drama, and Carla was sure they weren’t interested into drama, either. With Michelle, it was different though.

“You don’t know? I’m sure there has to be some reason for her calling you” she stated friendly but with a sound of insistence.

“Fine”, Carla herself was surprised at how fast she gave up defending herself. Maybe it was because she was just done too done with everything already, or because the wine was loosening her tongue, or both, “I missed my session today. That’s why she’s calling me.”

“And why did you miss it?”

Slowly but surely, all these questions were getting to Carla's head. Why couldn’t her friends be satisfied with the information she offered them? Why did they always want to know more, more, more? Why did they wanted to have answers to things Carla couldn’t even properly answer herself? Why did she miss the session? Hell, why?

_Because it doesn’t matter if I go. I can put myself through weeks of exhausting therapy sessions, telling Mrs. Shofield every little detail of everything I’ve ever experienced, and my life still goes to shit. My parents still hate me – or no, they hate me even more now –, I still don’t feel like home in this fucking apartment, and the boy I love is still so far away from me that I don’t know if the love is worth bearing the pain of missing him. Because the pain is hard to endure, really. It’s just too much._

“You know what? I’ll call her now and tell her I’m fine”, Carla’s tone offered more passive-aggressiveness as she wanted it to, “if that satisfies you.”

She got up and walked over to the living room table where she started wandering around as she waited for Mrs. Shofield to pick up. She was aware that her friends could still hear her as she wasn’t more than a few meters away from them.

“Mrs. Shofield? Yeah, it’s Carla. I assume you called because I missed my session today?”

She looked over to her friends only to find them stare at her. They were way too curios for her liking. But you know what? She didn’t care what they thought of her in that moment. Fuck it.

“I’m very sorry for missing out today. It’s just that I hurt my ankle at the gym this afternoon. It was during one of those step aerobic courses, you know? I’m sure I’ve told you before that I visit a course every Friday. So, it hurt really bad and I was afraid I might broke my foot or something and then I went to the doctor where I had to wait very long and it was just so stressful and honestly, I didn’t have the nerve to cancel my session or answer your calls. I’m very sorry, it won’t happen again.”

Michelle crossed her arms as she shook her head. Even without her body language signaling it, Carla could’ve already told that she would be pissed off. The boys sitting next to her looked uncomfortable, too.

 _It’s their own fault,_ Carla thought, _they wanted more information? They could get more information. But it wasn’t said that the information had to be true._

“My foot? Oh, it’s nothing, luckily. I just overstretched my sinews, I’m wearing a small bandage now, but it should be okay in a few days...Yeah, thank you…see you next week.”

 _Or not,_ Carla thought as she hung up. She didn’t plan on going to her session next week, actually. But that was something she could deal with later.

She walked back to the couch without any sign of limping and there obviously wasn’t a bandage on her foot as well.

“Are you fucking serious?” Michelle asked, furious about the blatant lie she just witnessed.

“Yeah”, Carla took hold of her glass as she sat down on the couch again, “actually, I am.”

_Friday, 16 th July, 23.22_

“Hey guys”, Rebeka greeted Samuel and Guzman as she sat down on the barstool next to them, “ready to get fucking drunk?”

“Don’t look at me” Samuel raised his hands in defense, laughing a little, “it’s Guzman who you have to convince.”

“I never said I didn’t want to get drunk”, the blonde boy answered, stretching his index finger in an educating gesture, “I just said I don’t want it to escalate the way it did last week.”

Samuel and Rebeka looked at each other as they tried to suppress their laughter. It didn’t even escalate that bad last week, well, for them at least. Guzman just didn’t know when to stop and…spent most of his Sunday in the bathroom, which of course he didn’t want to admit.

Hanging out and getting drunk in pubs seemed to be their thing now, they liked it even more than clubbing actually. It was more chill, just sipping on a few beers or cokes with rum as they mindlessly chatted and played stupid drinking games or sometimes even a game of cards. And Samuel didn’t mind that they spent their evenings sitting at big wooden tables with their drinks in front of them lately, because in this way, he wouldn’t have to dance after a long day of walking through the restaurant and could rest his tired legs.

It always varied how big their group of friends was on the weekends. Last week, Ander and Omar had joined them for a few drinks, and Rebeka invited Valerio, too (which maybe had been the reason for why it escalated for Guzman). Sometimes, they even hung out with some of the boys and girls that were in their class now. Some of them were pretty cool and fun to be around. But this Friday, it were just Samuel, Guzman and Rebeka who met up at their favorite pub.

They were on their third round of drinks as Samuel felt his phone vibrate. A little startled, he pulled it out of his pocket, looking onto the screen curiously.

“Uh oh”, Rebeka’s voice had a teasing tone as she tried to catch a glimpse of the phone screen, “is the marchioness calling?”

“No”, Samuel shook his head as he looked up at Guzman, “it’s Luke.”

Samuel vividly remembered the last time Luke had called him on a Friday night with a slurring voice, only to tell him that his girlfriend was “the most boring person on the whole planet.”

“Why is that?” Samuel had asked, a smile on his face because of the funny drunk tone Luke had in his voice.

“We’re at a karaoke bar-”

Samuel began to laugh as he listened to Luke, bringing up one hand to palm his face in a humorous gesture – he already knew where this was going.

“And your girlfriend, who is sitting opposite me in this very second – whoa, now she’s even showing me the finger, hey that’s mean”, Luke began to laugh on the other end of the phone, a few seconds passing filled with chaotic rumbling noises until he resumed talking, “your girlfriend is refusing to sing! And that isn’t acceptable, Samuel! And now I need your help – how can I convince her? Do I need to pick another song? I picked”, Samuel waited as Luke searched for the little paper with which he wanted to register Carla for singing, “I picked the song _Call me maybe_! Is it a bad choice? I remember that she had it as a ring tone back in school an–“

“Don’t listen to him”, Samuel’s heart began to beat faster as he heard that husky voice of hers on the phone, “he’s drunk.”

“Call me maybe? As a ring tone? That’s the most creative thing I ever heard”, Samuel couldn’t let go of that topic yet, especially as he knew she’d be embarrassed about it.

“Fuck off” she laughed, “and there’s no way I’m singing karaoke. Never in a million years.”

But today, Samuel was sure that the reason for Luke’s call wouldn’t be as lighthearted and funny as it was back then. He picked up, already walking out of the pub hastily.

“Luke?”

“Hey Samuel”, Luke’s voice was hesitant and quiet as he spoke into the phone, “remember when you told me to let you know if I notice something weird about Carla?”

Samuel’s heart began to speed up uncomfortably. On one hand, he was excited that Luke seemed to have noticed something, that meant he’d maybe finally find out what was up with her. On the other hand, he was afraid of what the boy would tell him now.

“What is it?” he matched Luke’s quiet tone.

“I-I don’t exactly know. It’s just that…she’s very drunk right now. We’re chilling at her place and her therapist just called because she didn’t go to her session today and then she…she just lied to her on the phone. It was so weird, she was talking about hurting her ankle when in reality everything is okay with it. I know it’s not much but – I’ve never seen her like this before. She’s just…weird? Do you know what I mean?”

“Fuck”, Samuel exhaled deeply. Carla skipping her therapy sessions and making up lies to cover it up definitely couldn’t mean any good. That just confirmed the bad gut feeling he had throughout the last couple of weeks. “Are you still at her place?”

Samuel squinted his eyes as he waited for Luke to answer. After a few seconds of silence, he heard voices on the other end.

“Who are you talking to?”

He didn’t need one second to know who it was asking this question. Apparently, Luke wasn’t good at hiding. And he wasn’t good at lying, too.

“No one”, he said, insecurity dripping from his words.

“Pff, of course”, the female voice said, her tone becoming more demanding, “give me the phone.”

“No it’s –“

“My lovely boyfriend, what a surprise.”

Samuel stiffened as he realized that Carla was in charge of Luke’s phone now.

“Hey darling”, she said in a fake-friendly way.

“Hi Carla.”

“Don’t you want to tell me what the two of you were chatting about? While Luke was trying to hide in my bedroom?”

Samuel didn’t know what to say. Judging by how pissed off she sounded, it didn’t have much sense to lie to her now. She already seemed to know what this was about.

“Was your little spy telling you that he _noticed something weird about me_?”

“Carla please, he’s just trying to help.”

“Trying to help? With what? With stalking me?”

“He tries to help me to understand you. To find out why you’re lying to me again” he gritted his teeth angrily.

“And you need someone to spy on me for that? Why didn’t you just ask me?”

“I did. I always asked if you were okay, and you always said that you are. What else am I supposed to do?” Samuel felt himself getting desperate. Why did everything have to be so complicated with her?

“I don’t know what you’re supposed to do. All I know is that I don’t want my boyfriend to stalk me. Who do you think you are, Joe fucking Goldberg?”

Samuel laughed in disbelief. She couldn’t be serious, could she?

“So what do you want me to do now, Carla? I can’t help you when I don’t know what’s wrong with you.”

“Everything is wrong with me, Samuel”, the sudden change in her voice made him feel a sharp pain in his chest. She didn’t even sound angry anymore, far worse, she sounded hopeless.

“No that’s not true, don’t thi –“

“I’m sorry.” Her words weren’t more than a whisper as she hung up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, Carla's in bitch mode again and I love it (I'm sorryyy, I just like writing fights :( :D)


	32. On the edge

You bring good to my lonely life, honestly  
It's hard for me to look into your eyes  
When I say that I would be nothing without your love  
I feel the rush and it's amazing

 _Prisoner – The Weeknd ft. Lana Del Rey_ (what a combination, honestly!)

_Saturday, 17 th July, 0.13_

Luke stared at Carla with wide eyes, not daring to move as he desperately tried to think of a proper excuse to explain his call with Samuel. Unfortunately, the wheels in his head didn’t seem to turn fast enough, and the furious blonde who stood on the other side of the room didn’t make it any better.

He’d never seen Carla angry. Until now. She still had his phone in her hand, clutching it tightly as she stared at him. He had absolutely no idea what she’d do now, but judging by the way her chest heaved as she drew in short, jerky breaths, it wouldn’t surprise him if his phone would get acquainted with the nearest wall in a few seconds.

To his luck, her next movement didn’t consist of throwing his phone against her bedroom wall. No, instead, she just walked over to him dangerously slow until she came to stand right in front of him. The fact that Luke was way taller than her didn’t make her less intimidating.

“You’re going to leave now”, she whispered as she held out his phone for him, “I won’t tell anyone about what happened, and you won’t, too. Unless the others are also involved into your small secret mission.”

Luke shook his head hastily. “No, they have nothing to do with it. It’s just something between me and Samuel.”

“It _was_ something between you and Samuel”, Carla corrected him, finally letting go of his phone that they’d both held onto during the last seconds. 

_Saturday, 17 th July, 0.15_

“Fuck, Samu, what the hell happened?” Rebeka asked a little too loud as Samuel sat down next to her again.

“Nothing”, he answered avoidantly, bringing up his beer glass to his lips and taking two large sips.

Rebeka and Guzman shared a knowing look, and while Rebeka’s face was mixed with something that looked like worry, Guzman’s expression showed a hint of annoyance.

“Come on, you know you can’t fool us”, she nudged his shoulder in a friendly way, “just tell us.”

But Samuel didn’t plan on pouring his heart out. He wouldn’t even know where to begin. Because truth was that he’d stayed silent about his problems with Carla (did they even have problems in the first place? Well, now they did) during the last couple of weeks, mostly for the purpose of not giving Guzman any chance to stir up hatred against his girlfriend.

Because since his friend told him off as they were eating breakfast in London, there hadn’t been any new discussions about Samuel’s relationship with Carla. And Samuel actually began to think his friend finally came to terms with the fact that they dated and, more importantly, began to believe that things could work out between them.

But seemingly, that peace was over now.

“Why did Luke call you?” Guzman asked him. To be fair, he sounded honestly curious.

“I said it’s nothing” Samuel’s eyes began to get darker as the glass met his lips again.

“Oh, it’s nothing” Guzman crossed his arms in offence at the angry tone of his friend, “then let me guess what it is…Carla’s being a bitch.”

“Guzman!” Rebeka intervened, kicking his shin under the table, “stop being such an arse.”

“What? I’m just saying it like it is. Probably, I mean. But look at him, I know this face” he pointed at Samuel, “it’s always about her when he looks like this.”

“What the fuck are you talking about? I don’t even talk to you about her, you don’t know anything” Samuel countered as anger arose inside of him.

“Boys!” Rebeka put her hands on top of their shoulders in a soothing manner, apparently failing in gaining much attention with that gesture as it couldn’t prevent Guzman from going on with talking shit about his friend's relationship.

“I know _you_ , and I know _her_. It doesn’t need much to put one and one together and imagine the kind of problems the two of you are dealing with. Because she’s someone to take advantage of others and you’re someone to be taken advantage of, it’s that simple.”

Samuel scoffed at the bluntness of his friend’s statement. Guzman didn’t know how wrong he was. In reality, things were everything but simple. With Carla, everything seemed to be complicated all the time. Of course, Samuel knew that he’d shoot his own knee if he brought up this argumentation, so he chose to stay silent and finish his beer instead, trying to keep his rage at bay. It still angered him how nobody seemed to see how things really were when it came to Carla. That in his friend’s minds, the image of the cold and calculating girl who took no shit from no one still existed. That they didn’t saw how much of a façade her behavior was to not fall apart under the excruciating pressure that was put onto her nonstop. It was _her_ who had been taken advantage of too many times, not him (well, maybe he’d been taken advantage of, too, but that didn’t matter at this point, did it?).

“You know you can always talk to me, don’t you?” Rebeka said, turning around in her seat to face Samuel with a sympathetic look.

The boy snapped out of his thoughts at her words, realizing it was only the two of them left as Guzman apparently ordered a new round of drinks at the bar.

“Long-distance relationships can suck, really” she went on as Samuel stayed silent, staring into his empty glass.

He really appreciated that Rebeka cared for him, but at the same time, talking about relationship problems with his ex didn’t seem all too tempting, even if they were friends again now.

“Thank you, but I’m not in the mood to talk right now.”

“No problem”, the girl shrugged, moving her head slightly as she registered that Guzman was coming back from the bar with a new round of drinks in his hands, “and don’t take his shit too seriously, he just cares for you, I guess. And besides, I definitely wouldn’t give up on her that easily, too. She’s hot as hell.”

The wink Rebeka gave him drew a small laugh out of Samuel.

“Who’s hot as hell?” Guzman asked curiously as he sat down next to them again.

“I guess you’re talking about me?” Samuel registered a familiar voice right behind him.

Rebeka let out a loud laugh as she looked up at the curly-haired boy who stood behind Samuel. “Your confidence gets me every time, honey.”

“Pff, jealous, aren’t you?” Valerio answered in a fake-offended tone as he sat down at their table with a wide grin on his face, “I definitely need a drink.”

“Who are you telling that” Samuel mumbled with a sigh.

“Heyy, why the long faces?”, the curly-haired boy patted Guzman’s shoulder enthusiastically, “aren’t you happy to see me?”

“I think Guzman’s mostly afraid”, Rebeka looked at the boy teasingly as she referred to last weekend’s events.

The blonde boy only responded with a not so friendly gesture of his middle finger, taking a large sip out of his glass as if to prove that she was wrong.

“So, how’s it going?” Valerio asked as he came back from the bar with his first drink, rum with coke. He definitely didn’t waste any time in getting drunk. Restless as he was, he didn’t wait for his friends to answer and straightly went on talking about his life. “I can tell you, no matter how bad your week was, mine was worse.”

“And why is that?” Rebeka asked with raised brows, expecting the melodramatic statement to be a slight (or not so slight) exaggeration.

“Well, my situation’s at work is”, he moved his hand in an estimating gesture, “a little tense to say at least.”

Samuel shifted in his seat, his attention being caught at his friend’s words.

“Look, I always knew Carla’s parents were a little… challenging, to say it in a friendly way. And I was well aware of the fact I’d meet them on a daily base as they set up my bureau in one of their countless rooms – to keep an eye on me, I guess. But during the last weeks”, he whistled quietly as he tapped his index finger against his glass, “they went from just being reserved and cold to being fucking psychopaths.”

“What do you mean by that?” Samuel asked, maybe a little too fast given the weird looks Rebeka and Guzman gave him.

“Hard to tell, I avoid talking to them except for when it’s really necessary, and as you can think, they don’t talk much to me as well. But lately, there barely seems to be any talking in this house. And when they talk, they scream at each other. I can tell you, there’s nothing more uncomfortable than working on a Tuesday morning and overhearing a married couple fighting in the next room.”

“That really do sounds shitty” Rebeka nodded her head at his explanation.

“Yeah, but at least I earn some money”, Valerio held up his glass, making a toasting motion, “which I spend on the weekends, mostly. But hey, we’re young, so who cares?”

Though Samuel wanted nothing more than to ask Valerio about Carla’s parents some more, he didn’t want to draw more attention than necessary to the sensible topic. And on top of that, he could imagine that Valerio wouldn’t be too keen on describing every little detail of his work situation on a Friday night. But at least the information his friend had just unknowingly offered him was something to start with, wasn’t it?

_Saturday, 17 th July, 11.14_

The vibrating sound of her phone was a welcoming distraction from the article about economic decision-making Carla was reading. Though she found the topic quite interesting, taking a look at her phone was far too tempting in that moment.

_11.14: Can we talk?_

Of course. Who else would text her on a Saturday morning if not her boyfriend?

_11.15: Why don’t you just ask Luke about me?_

She was still pissed. And she had every right to be, didn’t she? She’d never thought that Samuel would plan something behind her back, or more accurately that he’d plan something behind her back _again_. That didn’t make him exactly trustworthy. But on the other hand, neither of them seemed to be exactly trustworthy lately.

Her phone vibrated again.

_11.16: That’s what I want to talk about. I’m sorry._

Carla closed her eyes and bit her lower lip for a moment, then she dialed his number.

Samuel didn’t need one second to pick up.

“Carla?”

“Mhm. And who am I talking to? Samuel Garcia or James Bond?”

If they weren’t in the middle of a fight, Samuel probably would’ve laughed at her dumb joke.

“Listen, I’m sorry and I shouldn’t have implicated Luke into this, but…”

Carla fumbled around with the highlighter she’d used while reading her text, opening the cap and closing it again as she waited for Samuel to go on talking. But he didn’t.

“But what?”

“But…I- I don’t know, I just have the feeling that…something is wrong.”

Carla opened the cap of her highlighter again, this time with so much force it was catapulted onto the floor.

“What should be wrong, Samuel?”

“I don’t know. But you told it to me yourself yesterday, didn’t you? That something’s wrong with you.”

Carla sighed as she moved her hand towards her face, pressing the bridge of her nose between her index finger and thumb.

“I had too much wine, and I was upset. It didn’t mean anything, okay?” she softened her voice in an attempt to calm him down. She didn’t want to fight with him, but she didn’t want to talk about what was bothering her, either. Because that would be against the strategy she’d figured out during the last weeks, which consisted of pretending that nothing happened. Of course, Carla wasn’t dumb. She knew that ignoring her problems wouldn’t solve them, but on the other hand, facing the fact that she was practically an orphan now was just too painful for her. So, ignoring all that seemed to be the better option.

“Why don’t you just tell me what’s wrong? I thought we left all of that behind us, the secrets and lies.”

“And I thought that you’d finally understood that constantly nagging at me to talk to you won’t get you very far. I’ll talk to you when _I’m_ ready for it, hear me?”

“I get that, really. And I’d be totally okay with it if I weren’t afraid that –“ Samuel stopped talking abruptly.

“That what? What, Samuel?” Carla furrowed her brows in a mixture of confusion and annoyance. She kind of wished that Samuel could see her right now, her facial expressions always pushed him to the edge, and she knew it.

Samuel's contemplation on whether he should resume talking was quickly put to an end at Carla’s impatient tone. “That it’ll be too late when you finally tell me. That’s what I’m afraid of.”

“Too late for what?” Though Carla already had a suspicion where this would go, she wanted him to say it loud.

“I’m afraid that you’ll…fall back into old patterns of behavior if you’re keeping everything to yourself again, you know.”

“Old patterns of behavior? Samuel, are you sure you want to study law? Right now, you’re sounding more like a social worker.”

Samuel sighed at her last words. He stopped wandering around in his room as he came to stand in front of his mirror, eyeing his reflection. To be honest, with the bourdeaux-colored baggy shirt and sport shorts that he wore, combined with the way his dark locks wildly framed his head, he indeed looked more like a social worker than a lawyer-to-be right now.

“Why did you miss your therapy session yesterday?”

Carla couldn’t help but groan in annoyance. Even if she knew Samuel very well by now, his persistence always surprised her anew.

“I think I’m done with it” she shrugged carelessly, leaning back inside her desk chair and staring out of her window.

“You’re done with it? Just like that?”

“Yeah, I’m happy and healed, end of the story. That’s how it should go, shouldn’t it?”

“God Carla”, Samuel rubbed his face with his hand in exhaustion, “you’re driving me crazy, do you know that?”

Carla’s voice was starting to get hoarse as she answered him. “Doesn’t feel too good, does it?”

Samuel’s felt his heart sink as he registered the sad edge her voice had in her last sentence. She sounded so weak and drained now, completely contrasting the strength her words had just minutes ago. And with that, he couldn’t be mad at her anymore.

“Is everything okay over there?” he asked softly.

“No” Carla answered quietly, careful to bring out her answer in between the small sobs that left her mouth by now. She didn’t even register that she was crying before, only realizing it as her cheeks were already soaked with tears and the lump in her throat began to choke her so much it influenced her ability to speak. She held her phone away so Samuel wouldn’t hear her shaky inhale before she began talking again. All she wanted now was to end this conversation as soon as possible.

“I just want to be alone right now, Samuel. I’m sorry. We’ll talk later. Or tomorrow.”

Samuel had the urge to shatter the stupid mirror he stood in front of as he heard the beeping sound through his phone. But luckily, he quickly overcame the violent thought and just let himself fall onto his bed. He replayed their conversation in his head, trying to analyze what he could’ve done better, but instead, he just felt much worse as he remembered how broken Carla sounded at the end of their call. He felt like he couldn’t be there for her properly, and he hated that fact with every pore of his body.

It was a few hours later as Carla’s phone vibrated again. She was still studying at her desk, a cup of coffee and some cookies she’d bought as a kind of nerve food placed next to her, even if the concept of eating while being stressed wasn’t something that worked all too well for her. Normally, stress only decreased her appetite.

_16.28: Do you want me to come?_

Her forehead wrinkled at Samuel’s message.

_16.30: To London?_

_16.31: Yes_

She couldn’t help but smile as she dialed his number for the second time this day. Even if she still was a bit mad, that was just too sweet.

“Hey” his soft voice greeted her.

“Hello” she answered, matching his tone, “though I really appreciate your thoughtfulness, the answer is no.”

“It’ll be no proble–“

“Samuel” she interrupted his protest, “I’m in the middle of my exams right now. When they’re over, you can come anytime, or I’ll come to Madrid. My last exam is on the 6th August, that’s in three weeks, it’s not that long, okay?”

Three weeks. Samuel ran a hand through his hair. On one hand, she was right, three weeks weren’t _that_ long. But on the other hand, three weeks full of stress and bottled up emotions could indeed be long, and that were exactly the circumstances of Carla’s life right now. He’d witnessed just how little it took to push her to the edge this very morning, and he was afraid that her stress tolerance level would drop only further the longer she had to endure the current situation.

“Samu? Are you still there?”

“Yeah. I understand you, really. And I don’t want to endanger your academic career, that’s for sure. But I need to know that you’ll be okay.”

Carla smiled at his tone, he sounded nearly pleading.

“I’ll be okay, I promise. And when we’ll meet again, we’ll talk about everything, okay?”

“Okay, sounds good.”

Samuel seemed to be satisfied, that was good. And Carla felt calmer now, too. The thought of seeing him in a few weeks planted a spark of hope inside her. She really hoped to feel better again when all of this was over, and with _all of this_ she meant her exams _and_ the heartbreak caused by her family.

“But I have one question”, Samuel stated as he sensed that their conversation was coming to an end now, “does it have something to do with your parents?”

Carla closed her hand into a fist at his words. If she ever needed to search for a new boyfriend (which she didn’t hope, though), she needed to get a less curious one.

“Yes, but once and for all, I don’t want to talk about it now or during the next three weeks, get it?”

“Okay okay, get it” Samuel tried to sound as compliant as he could, sensing that she began to get annoyed again, “but you know what?”

“What?” Carla asked, still using her annoyed voice to prevent him from asking any more questions.

“You’re really turning me on when you use that strict voice.”

Carla couldn’t help but burst into laughter on the other side of the phone, she really didn’t expect that turn of events.

“That wasn’t even my strict voice” she answered amusedly.

“Not?”

“No, that was my annoyed voice.”

“And what’s your strict voice then?”

Carla could sense the cheeky smile even when they were hundreds of kilometers apart.

“You really wanna know?” she asked, lowering her tone just as she knew he liked it.

“Yeah” Samuel answered, already feeling his body temperature rise.


	33. Questions

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Helloo, I know I'm taking a bit longer to update lately but I'm occupied with academic writing as well and sometimes I just can't stare at Word documents any longer, so sorry for that!
> 
> But still, have fun reading! :)

It's not always rainbows and butterflies  
It's compromise that moves us along yeah  
My heart is full, and my door's always open  
You come anytime you want yeah

_She will be loved - Maroon 5_

_Tuesday, 20 th July, 20.34_

Samuel instantly relaxed as he sat down at his desk. It didn’t need more than the outsight of spending his evening with painting and talking to his favorite person to make him happy. Sometimes, things could be so simple.

“Wait – I know what it is!” Carla flashed him an excited smile.

Samuel looked up from his piece of canvas paper, a brush in his right hand, and stared directly (well, as directly as you can stare at someone through your laptop camera) into her green eyes. “You do?” he asked, the corners of his mouth raised in amused expectation.

“Hmh”, she nodded her head eagerly.

It was their little game, Samuel drawing and Carla trying to guess what it is. Carla rarely got playful when it wasn’t for the sake of ulterior motives like inciting sex, but when she did, she could get _very_ silly. It just seemed to be her thing to control herself most of the times only to fully loose it when she finally let go. And while this surely wasn’t practicable in some situations, Samuel loved this side of her when it came to innocent and wholesome things like humor. He always felt honored when she became goofy around him, because he knew that it meant she felt comfortable.

“It’s a horse! It has to be!”

Samuel nearly ruined his painting as he cracked up laughing. Though her recent guess wasn’t even _that_ funny, like the times she thought he’d paint a racoon because he was using the color grey (when in reality he only used grey to add shadows to the black London skyline he drew) or the time she asked him if he was painting a cucumber because “it was the first green thing that came to my mind” (in the end it was a tree, a simple tree). Because that was what she really did all the time: noticing the color on the tip of his brush and then listing every item coming to her mind when she thought of that color.

“Why would I paint you a horse?” he shook his head with a smile, dipping his brush into the light brown color again.

“I don’t know” she shrugged before she rested her head in the palm of her hand. She loved to watch him as he sat there, his brows furrowed in concentration, absentmindedly sticking the pink tip of his tongue out in concentration. Carla’s thoughts tended to wander off whenever he did that, fantasizing about how his tongue felt against her skin or remembering the minty taste of his lips. She felt almost bad as her gaze was getting heavy with lust while her boyfriend sat there as innocent as he could get, completely oblivious to her hungry thoughts. But then, she reminded herself of the fact that Samuel wasn’t even _that_ innocent, at least not to the extent he seemed to be.

She vividly remembered how she’d felt her cheeks heat up with shyness – yes, Carla _could_ get shy; she rarely did, but it was possible – as he’d told her to “just stay like this” when she was laying on her side completely naked after one of their digital sexy times. Before she could even ask what exactly he was up to, he’d been coming back with his drawing utensils. The postcard she’d received four days after was her favorite until now. At first it made her feel a bit narcissistic that of all postcards the one with her own naked silhouette was her favorite, but she quickly realized her preference wasn’t caused by the motive (or the backside that read “It was a pleasure to draw you like one of my French girls”), it was the memory of him drawing her, looking at her naked curves so closely her skin began to prickle. And despite the awkward feeling that had taken over her during the first minutes as he drew her, in the end she’d loved to lay there, skin still flushed from what happened before, completely exposed to him – it was the most intimate moment they had since they’d been separated.

“Seems like I have to disappoint you, it’s not a horse. But I can draw you one next time.”

Carla shook her head as she tried to focus on their conversation again.

“No, don’t worry. I got over my horse phase when I was eight and my parents refused to get me one for my birthday the second time”, she smiled at the distant memory. It was the only time she’d cried on her birthday until she became nineteen a few weeks ago. The realization of that struck her harder than she’d expected.

“I can’t believe there’s something you actually _didn’t_ get from your parents” he answered in a slightly teasing tone.

“Yeah, that was quite the exception – as long as you’re only counting material stuff.”

Samuel’s hand stopped the movement with which he’d stroked the brush over the paper. He immediately registered the sad undertone in her voice, and now he was almost to a hundred percent sure that her reserved state lately had something to do with her parents.

“And what was the thing _you_ always wanted but never got?”

Samuel was caught off guard by that question, twisting his mouth in a thinking expression.

“Hmm, hard to tell. Honestly there was more than one thing I wished for and didn’t get.”

Carla damned herself for her question, feeling like the biggest snob on earth. Though she was sure Samuel’s birthdays weren’t that bad, not the _only-getting-sweets-like-in-Charlie-and-the-chocolate-factory-_ bad, but he surely didn’t have a photographer and a trampoline park on his sixth birthday.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to –“

“It’s okay”, Samuel pulled the corners of his mouth up ever so slightly as he met her eyes with a warm gaze, “now I got everything I could wish for.”

_Friday, 23 rd July, 18.43_

The bunch of keys jingled as Carla unlocked her letterbox. She peeked into it curiously, picking up the new postcard. She found herself staring at two green eyes that belonged to a cat with long fur, half-brown and half-white. It was very detailed, the fine hairs drawn in a way that made her want to touch it, and the many colors inside the cat’s eyes added so much depth to them it seemed like it was straightly staring at her. “Greetings from our restaurant cat” was written on the backside in Samuel’s unmistakable handwriting.

“You have a restaurant cat? Why did you never tell me this before?” Carla asked as she strolled through her living room with her phone on her ear.

Samuel chuckled at her reproachful tone. “The cat doesn’t exactly belong to the restaurant, it just began showing up a few days ago and since I fed it it comes everyday to grab some food. Yesterday it even jumped on top of a table to get something and the guests weren’t very amused about that. You should have seen their faces, really! You would’ve loved it.”

His voice cracked with soft laughter as he remembered the chaotic scene: his colleague carrying the hissing cat away and his embarrassed boss offering the guests free dessert as an excuse. Luckily, no one had noticed that Samuel was feeding the cat with leftover chicken, which he was sure spared him some trouble with his boss. But what else had he been supposed to do? The cat had looked so hungry, with her big eyes and silent mews – it'd immediately melted his heart. And his tendency to take care of others wasn’t exclusively reserved for humans, it included anything that looked vulnerable, innocent and helpless. He couldn't know that the cute, shy kitty would turn into a rebellious and demanding cat in just a few days.

“The cat doesn’t look like the typical stray, though” Carla stated, inspecting the postcard again, “it looks more like a pedigree cat, with the long fur and all.”

“I don’t know, but I guess it could be possible that it ran away from somewhere. Anyways, I’ll keep you up to date about the cat from now on, I promise.”

“I hope so. I require daily updates, including pictures, is that clear?”

“Yes, my lady. I’ll do my best.”

Samuel was more than happy to comply. If it was this easy to give pleasure to his girlfriend, then so be it. Generally, he felt like the situation between them began to relax again. Carla seemed a little stressed, yes, but there hadn’t been new fights or critical situations. She attended her therapy (she even sent him a picture out of her therapist’s waiting room as proof without him asking for it, because it wasn’t like Carla didn’t notice she needed to stabilize their base of trust again), and overall, she seemed to be okay, her days being filled with studying, going to the gym or meeting her friends for a coffee. Samuel’s days mostly consisted of working, but he also practiced boxing with Rebeka and met up with his friends as well – he did his best to make some money and still enjoy the time he had left before university started.

Carla sighed in a mixture of relief and exhaustion as she let herself fall onto her couch. Studying, gym, her therapy session, a bit of cleaning and a one-hour phone call with her boyfriend all done. And though it made her feel very productive, there wasn’t much of her energy left on that Friday evening. But unfortunately, she’d promised Michelle to accompany her to the birthday of one of their fellow students. Michelle said it was nothing big, which meant thirty to forty guests in rich kid dimensions. After she unsuccessfully tried to decide what to wear just be recalling the insides of her closet, Carla stood up to take a look at the endless amount of dresses and blouses and whatever was stuffed in there. In the end, she chose a black jumpsuit. Mostly because it was comfortable, and she didn’t feel like wearing a dress today.

Just as she was about to leave her apartment, her phone began to ring.

“Valerio? Hi, what’s up?”

“I want to deeply excuse for disturbing you this late on a Friday evening”, Carla raised her brows at his choice of words. Melodramatic as ever. “But I’m designing the invitations for the grape harvest party in September right now, and I have a question only my boss can answer.”

Carla couldn’t decide if she liked it or not when he spoke to her like that. On one hand, _the-being-called-boss-_ thing gave her a strong rush of superiority which she definitely enjoyed. On the other hand, their work relationship wasn’t that simple. She wasn’t the boss of everything, because naturally, she didn’t know too much about winery business, at least not enough to lead a whole business on her own yet. For now, she was just the owner of everything while her parents still played the leading role. But that didn’t stop her to interfere into their decisions, always nicely reminding them that all of that was _hers_ now. So, she was happy whenever Valerio consulted her with something the both of them could decide on their own, which of course weren’t huge investments but smaller things, like organizing the yearly party for example.

“Sure, what is it?”

“What kind of colors do you want for the decoration? Anything special? Because I want the invitations to match, you know.”

“Valerio…” Carla had no problem with his unusual working schedule, to the contrary, she even encouraged him to make use of flexible working times just to piss her parents off. b´But right now, she didn’t really have the time for extensive questions.

“I know, I’m sorry. You don’t have to make a final decision, just some tendency? Please?”

Carla found herself at her laptop a minute later, going through different color concepts he’d send her per mail. In the end, she should get used to working 24/7, because that’s what you do when you’re leading your own business.

“Thank you so much, you’re an angel!” Valerio exclaimed on the other side of the phone as she told him her answer.

She rolled her eyes with a slight smile. “I’m not sure you’re supposed to talk to your boss like that.”

“Whatever, thank you. It’s nice to talk to someone halfway normal during work from time to time.”

Carla denied herself to question him why he considered her as only _halfway_ normal, rather focusing on another topic. “Yeah, I get that. I wouldn’t want to change places with you. We should find you another place to work.”

“No no, it’s okay, it’s not _that_ bad, just a little… tense. I really admire how you haven’t gone insane living here for eighteen years.”

“I have”, Carla said, though she wasn’t fully sure if that was true or not, “just make sure you won’t be next.”

“Pff, Carla. Do you really think I could get any more insane?” Valerio responded, and Carla was almost sure she could detect some seriousness hidden beneath his joking tone.

Thirty minutes later, she finally arrived at the party, meeting Michelle in front of a high-rised building in which the luxurious loft of their friend was placed. They could already spot the party as colorful headlights were shining out of a few windows in about fifteen meters height, a mix of red and blue and purple fighting the break of dusk.

Carla was still getting used to the crowded location, stirring the ice cubes inside her cocktail glass with a pink straw, as Michelle met some fellow students she didn’t know. Of course, she could’ve engulfed into their conversation, but since she still felt tired, she chose to just listen to their talking, nodding once in a while with an absent smile.

“Long time no see.”

Carla immediately recognized the familiar voice. As she turned around, her assumption turned out to be true.

“Tom! Nice to see you, how are you?”

“I’m good, like always. Though the whole dealing thing has gotten a little boring since no one’s keeping me company anymore while I hang around in dark corners.” His words were accompanied by a sly smile.

“Yeah, I can imagine that.” Carla looked into her glass, playing with the straw again. Good old times – or no, bad old times.

“Hey”, Tom laid his hand onto her shoulder softly, making Carla look up at him, “you don’t have to feel bad for leaving me alone, or well, maybe a little bit.”

Carla twisted her mouth, not sure how to feel or what to say. She always knew how to respond with snarky remarks when people were mean to her, but when someone was being nice to her, she tended to be lost for words, almost feeling awkward.

“It’s really cool that you quit, you know”, Tom went on, letting go of her shoulder as he felt her tense up, “I admire that. And I’m sorry I sold you something though deep down I knew you couldn’t handle it. I feel very bad for that.”

“No, it wasn’t your fault”, she shook her head at him, “I’m too persuading for my own good sometimes. There’s barely something I don’t get if I want it and well – if I’m ever begging you to sell me something again, just say no. Don’t even think of discussing with me, okay?”

Tom nodded, taking a sip of his beer. He was actually surprised at how self-reflected she was. He could’ve sworn she didn’t even notice how manipulative she could get judging by the way she'd used to lull him in as if it was the easiest thing in the world just a few months ago. Obviously, he was wrong.

“Sure. If anything, I don’t want to be responsible for your relapse. I used to go through that shit, too, and I know how hard the cravings can get when something’s stressing you out.”

Carla was a little surprised at that. She always found it odd that Tom didn’t take drugs as a dealer, but she found it even odder that he’d taken them once and then quit, meaning he knew about their dangers and still sold them. 

“Isn’t that a bit reprehensible? That you know how dangerous your drugs are and you still sell them, risking that other people suffer and lose their control?”

Tom sighed at that. “Yeah, I guess I’m not going to heaven. But still, it’s not the drugs that cause the problem, it’s the people consuming them.”

Wow, Tom’s asshole-side was something new to her. At least she knew what to answer now that he wasn’t being nice anymore. “No wonder no one joins you in the corner when you go around telling people that they’re the real problem.”

“I didn’t mean it like thi –“

“Yeah, whatever”, Carla shoved him away playfully, “now go make some money and destroy some lives.”

Tom began to back off slowly, holding up his hands in defense with a smile. “You’re nicer when you’re high, Carla.”

“I don’t need to be nice” Carla stated with a smirk, speaking a bit louder so he could still hear her, “and I don’t want to.”

 _“Do you think I’m a nice person?”_ she texted Samuel as her second cocktail made its way to her brain. It was completely random, yet she wanted to know what he thought.

She had to stifle a laugh when he answered with _“No”_ a few minutes later, but after just a few seconds insecurity took over her.

0.51: What? :(

0.53: You know this was a joke, right?

0.54: Was it?

0:54: Maybe ;) But don’t worry I still love you

0:57: You’re walking on thin ice, Mr. Garcia. (I love you too)

0:59: Which ice do you mean? The one inside your heart?

1:02: Shut up


	34. Chaos

_I'm scared to get close and I hate being alone  
I long for that feeling to not feel at all  
The higher I get, the lower I'll sink  
I can't drown my demons, they know how to swim_

_Can you feel my heart? – Bring Me The Horizon - Jakwob Remix_ (the original’s sound is a little too aggressive to fit this chapter, but the remix suits the atmosphere pretty well & I absolutely love those lyrics)

_Monday, 2 nd August, 4.36_

A steady mechanic beeping was the first thing Carla registered as she drifted into consciousness. She opened her eyes slowly, shielding her face against the bright light around her with one hand. It was so unbelievably bright she felt like directly staring into the sun. But still, she couldn’t resist the urge to open her eyes further to investigate her surroundings. She was lying in a small bed, a white blanket covering her body. A sharp pain shot through her head as she sat up slowly. It was only then that she registered the different cables attached to her body, connecting her to the beeping machine. The high-pitched sound was the only thing she could hear. As she freed herself from the cables carefully (not in that hectic cliché way people in movies did), the beeping stopped, and she was met with absolute silence. The only thing she could hear now was her own heartbeat, speeding up with every passing second and creating a deafening noise of blood rushing through her ears. Fuck.

“Hello?” she asked quietly as she peaked through the door and into the long hallway. It was empty.

She stepped out of the room slowly, feeling goosebumps arise on her skin as her bare feet met the turquoise rubber floor. It was cold, and the only thing she wore was a thin white gown.

“Hello? Is anybody there?” she tried again. She was walking down the seemingly never-ending hallway, but there was not a single person in sight. That couldn’t be, could it? That in a hospital far and wide no one was to be seen. Unless she’d woken up in the middle of a zombie apocalypse like in that movie –

Suddenly, her thoughts were interrupted by a loud knocking sound. She immediately stopped walking, standing in front of the door from where she assumed the knocking came from. Then, she registered something touching her feet. She jumped at the sudden touch, a small shriek leaving her mouth as she looked down to find a puddle of thick red liquid underneath her feet. She followed the red stream with her gaze. The puddle’s source must be on the other side of the door. For a moment, she just stood there in shock, staring at the small gap from where more and more blood was emerging with every passing second. Then, her instincts kicked in. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

Carla nearly slipped as she began to run down the hall, leaving red footsteps behind on the green bluish floor. Her heart was pounding so hard it felt like it would explode any second as she frantically searched for someone – _anyone_ – who could tell her where she was or what had happened to her.

“Hello??” her voice was filled with blank panic as she ran towards the bright light that seemed to be the end of the hallway. She slammed herself against the entrance door as hard as she could, almost expecting it to be locked. It wasn’t, and so she almost flew out of the building. But instead of landing on concrete, the floor beneath her feet yielded, and she fell straight into – water?

Her lungs burned as she came to the surface again, the pain unexpectedly sharp given she’d been underwater only for a few seconds. Carla looked around with wide eyes. It was much darker now. She didn’t need long to recognize the location, it was the swimming pool of Las Encinas. After a few seconds of frantically looking around, she spotted dark silhouettes standing on the edge of the pool. She swam as fast as she could to reach them, still desperately in search for anyone who could help her. But the closer she got towards the edge, the harder it got to move her arms and legs. It almost felt like she was swimming against a flow, but that couldn’t be, right? There was no flow in pools. Finally, she was near enough to see who was standing next to the pool. As soon as she registered the familiar faces staring at her, she began to call out for help. The flow had gotten even stronger now, almost dragging her down.

“Mom!”, she called before a wave of water swapped over her head, “Dad!”

But they didn’t move. They just stood there like made out of stone, watching her as she lost the fight against the masses of water pulling her down.

_Monday, 2 nd August, 7.30_

Samuel blindly reached for his phone on the nightstand to shut the alarm off. He stretched his arms and legs before opening his eyes slowly, only to close them again as he was met with bright sunlight shining through the window shutters.

Though he still had much time before his work shift started in the afternoon, he forced himself out of bed. He wanted to go for a run before the simmering heat of Madrid made every kind of exercise outside of an air-conditioned room impossible.

He let out a yawn as he tapped into the kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee, typing a message into his phone.

“Good morning :) Did you sleep well?”

He didn’t have to wait long for an answer. Carla had an exam at 8 today, so she had to be up by now. Samuel smiled to himself as he thought of how she was probably not amused by the fact she was robbed of her precious beauty sleep. Not that she needed it, though.

“Hey :) I had better nights to be honest – but I also had worse. And you?”

“I slept well :) Good luck on your exam today! I’m thinking of you :*”

“Thank you! Luckily it’s the second last one. Hope you have a good day :*”

The heat was already intense as Samuel stepped out of the building half an hour later. Nevertheless, he began to jog with light steps, the soles of his shoes bouncing against the grey concrete until he reached the nearby park and the hard underground was replaced by a gravel track. Due to some trees shielding the sunshine away the temperature in the park was way more pleasant than in between the labyrinth of streets from where he was coming. The only thing he could hear now was the delightful chirping of some small birds sitting in the trees over his shaky breathing, and he couldn’t help but smile as he spotted one tree in particular. It was almost three months ago that he and Carla spent their Sunday sitting beneath the tree, peacefully enjoying each other’s company. He felt his insides flutter at the blissful memory (blissful except for the fact he’d been extremely sick, but sleeping with his head in Carla’s lap completely made up for that).

His pace decreased as he passed the tree, staring at the trunk and remembering the image of Carla sitting there in her fluttering summer dress that had colorful flowers all over it. She’d been so beautiful as she sat there, and he remembers how he couldn’t help but peak up to her every now and then from where his head was positioned on her soft thighs, adoring the way she looked while reading, her facial expressions changing from confusion to joy to tension as her eyes flew over the lines of text. For every other person, the different moods her face gave off were almost unnoticeable, but not for Samuel. He made it his commission to decipher even the slightest changes in her expression so he could accommodate himself and his behavior to her. It may sounded a bit obsessive, yes, but sometimes it was the only way to understand her. Even when she was way better at talking about her feelings now than she was years or even months ago, she could still be very closed off from time to time, even with Samuel. But he didn’t judge her for it and he didn’t want her to change, at least not abruptly or forcefully. He wanted to give her all the time she needed which was a thing he had to work on: not to be too pushy or overstrain the sensitive being he called his girlfriend. It was still a mystery to him how someone could be so strong and yet so weak sometimes, so cold and so warm, so rational and so emotional. Carla was full of contrasts, all the extremes seemed to unite within her personality, burdening her with the almost impossible task to keep them in balance, to prevent one side from overweighing. And Samuel knew she didn’t succeed with that as often as everyone thought she did. She was just a master of hiding things away and had perfected that skill over many years of practice.

_Monday, 2 nd August, 20.26  
_

Carla braced herself for the storm about to come as she rang the doorbell, enjoying the last seconds of silence. She would be screamed at in three…two…one…

“Carlaaaa!”, Amy happily exclaimed, welcoming her with wide-spread arms, “I knew you would come, I just knew!”

The hug lasted a little too long for Carla’s taste and was too tight as well, but Amy was obviously tipsy, so she was forgiven. It had been quite a long time since the four of them met at Amy’s apartment to pre-drink, but here they were now: Amy, Michelle, Chloe and Carla sitting at the table, each one with a glass of champagne before them.

“To our last exam!” Chloe held up her glass to toast.

“Or second last”, Michelle added, looking at Carla, “but don’t worry, you’ll do great on your exam on Friday. I’ll think of you while I’m sipping cocktails in St. Tropez.”

Carla smiled at the gentle reassuring nudge her friend gave her. Right now, she cursed herself for taking an extra course this semester. While everyone of her friends was finished with their exams now, she had still one to go. And originally, Carla didn’t want to spend her Monday night getting hammered at Amy’s, and she surely didn’t plan to accompany the girls to the party they were heading to but well, Carla didn’t seem to be the only one who could be persuasive at times. In the end, it had been Amy’s calculations that made her give in.

“Look, we’ll arrive at the party at eleven, then we’ll dance for two hours and at one you’ll get yourself a cab. You’ll be in bed not later than half past one and you’ll still have, lets say, seven and a half hours of sleep. You’ll get up at nine, and then you’ll have the whoooole Tuesday to study. How does that sound? Say it sounds good, please!” Okay, maybe it were Amy’s calculations combined with how she pouted at Carla and pleadingly added: “it will be the last time we’ll see each other until next semester, come on!”

They arrived even earlier than eleven at the party after they discovered that they’d run out of champagne at Amy’s apartment (which wasn’t Carla’s fault, she’d been very self-restrained with drinking) and decided that the only solution for their misery would be to get to the party as soon as possible. They were in the VIP-area of a club some fellow student of them had rented, and apparently he’d invited nearly their whole cohort. It was extremely crowded, the air was already stale and it was way too warm.

“I’m going to get some fresh air” Michelle nearly screamed into Carla’s ear.

The blonde nodded, signaling she’d follow her friend. They pushed through the crowd hand in hand to not lose the other, Amy and Chloe apparently had no interest of leaving the dancefloor yet.

Carla was relieved as they finally reached the rooftop-terrace, though the air was still warm, it was a welcoming cool down compared to the burning hot insides of the club. It was only then that Carla realized the vibrating of her phone in her clutch. The loud groan that left her as she stared at the screen made Michelle give her a questioning look.

“Sorry, I’ll be right back” Carla excused herself, walking a few meters away into a rather quiet corner.

“Hey. What is it?” Carla tried to sound as neutral as possible to hide her annoyance. She looked down at the pulsing veins of London as she stood in front of the thick glass walls and waited for an answer with her phone pressed against her ear, realizing that it were only a few centimeters of transparent material that secured her from falling off a 120 meter high building. She took a step back at that thought.

“First of all: sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. I know it’s late, and it’s Monday and you probably had a long day and if I’ve woken you up I’m even more sorry, but it’s really important.”

“Just tell me what it is, Valerio.”

“We – or more precisely your parents, need your signature under a contract. Don’t worry, it’s nothing big, they just want to buy a new filter system for the wineries, one that’s more eco-friendly and has better pipes or something – don’t ask me the technical details.”

“And?” Carla shrugged, “what’s the problem with that?”

“Well, it’s due tomorrow. Or maybe it was due today. It just slipped my mind and –“

“Fuck Valerio.”

“I know I know I’m sorry. But you know I’m not good with those things, contracts, deadlines – all this boring paperwork. I don’t even know since when _I’m_ responsible for that now, wasn’t that always something among you and your parents?”

“Mhm, I don’t know” she shrugged, more to herself than to him because he obviously couldn’t see her.

“It’s already the second time your father asked me to contact you, I mean why doesn’t he just call you himself?”

“I said I don’t know, Valerio. Would you send me the contract now?”

“Woah, calm down”, he immediately registered her harsh tone, “I just wondered why they behave so weird lately.”

Carla began to walk alongside the railing slowly. “What do you mean with _weird_?”

“They barely talk to each other lately and when they do, they’re fighting. And I think I overheard them say your name a few times but I’m not sure what they were talking about…They really need to chill.”

Carla had to chuckle at his last sentence. If there was anything in the world her parents were absolutely not able to do, then it was chill. They were actually the most un-chill people she knew.

For a second, she thought of telling Valerio about the fight. At least he knew her parents well enough to maybe understand her a little bit. But on the other hand, she wasn’t sure how well he could handle the situation. What if he talked to her parents about it? It didn’t even have to be on purpose, he could let it slip in a moment of inattentiveness. And the last thing she needed was other people mixing up into her problems and make it all worse (if that was even possible). 

In the end, her rational side took over. She needed to be strong. “I don’t know what they have, Valerio. It’s probably just one of their stupid marriage crises, in the end they always get a hold of themselves somehow.”

“There’s our businesswoman”, Michelle said as Carla walked back over to where she was standing. Alongside Michelle, there were three other people whose faces were all too familiar to Carla. The boys.

“Did you pull a big fish ashore?” Her friend asked a little louder than it was normal for her. The drink in her hand seemed to do its work.

Carla shook her head, moving her hand in a “It didn’t matter”-motion. “No, it was nothing important.”

Was it really that obvious her last call had to do something with business? Well, maybe standing by the railing and scrolling her phone in maximum concentration as she went through the contract and put her digital signature under it made it clear she didn’t surf through Instagram.

“You know what?”, Thomas began to speak. Carla raised her brows at the sudden raise of his voice, he was normally more of the quiet kind. Seems like everyone was getting more wasted than she tonight. “We should visit Carla in Spain sometime. I mean, her family owns a fucking winery.”

The others nodded enthusiastically at Thomas’ suggestion. Well, Luke didn’t show as much enthusiasm, but Carla was sure he was just hiding it, unsure of their relationship at the moment. Although Carla had already forgiven him just like she’d forgiven Samuel, she felt strangely satisfied as she noticed how Luke’s posture had straightened since she'd entered their circle a few minutes ago.

_Good,_ she thought, _he must know that he can’t play around with you like this._ Followed by: _You’re a fucking sadist, Carla. Calm down. He’s just some innocent dude trying to do a favor for a friend he met like – three times? He’s a good guy. Naïve, but good._

“That’s really the coolest thing ever”, Michelle picked up Thomas’ remark, “like, all of our families do some boring shit like working in the banking business or leading mining companies or whatever, but a winery? That’s fucking great, I bet there’s wine coming out of your taps.”

The joking tone drew a laugh out of Carla, and the others also seemed to enjoy the more outgoing-version of Michelle. Not that she was shy or something, but maybe a bit more serious and quiet at times, a character-trait Carla really appreciated about her.

“I’m sorry but I have to disappoint you with that, we’ve only got wine in bottles back home.” Carla joined her light tone with a shrug. _Back home, yeah._

“So, you’re not bathing in wine like cleopatra did in milk? That’s pretty disappointing.”

Carla nudged her friend at the mischievous remark. If anyone was imagining now how Carla looked while taking a bath, then it was Michelle’s fault.

Despite the delighted atmosphere that had emerged in their group as they went on talking on the rooftop instead of going back inside, mostly for the reason that it was quiet and cool on the terrace, Carla couldn’t stop her thoughts from wandering off to Spain, to her family, to Valerio, to Samuel. _Samuel._

She hastily fiddled her phone from inside her clutch, feeling her heart speed up as she unlocked the screen to find no new messages. It was shortly before midnight now and she hadn’t heard from him for a suspicious long time. Next to the feeling of powerlessness and her general exhaustion that was mostly caused by the horrifying nightmares that were haunting her sleep lately, there was a new feeling creeping up on her. If she had to describe it in any way, she’d refer to the hasty ticking of a clock, long nails creating a squeaking sound as they were scratching over a smooth surface or the hotness taking over your body when your heart was going on full speed because you were nervous about something. And what was worse than feeling exhausted and tired? Feeling exhausted and tired, but stressed and anxious at the same time. How was that even possible? Weren’t these two poles not mutually exclusive?

Apparently, they were not. She realized that as she stood in front of the big glass walls again, staring down at the streets of London while clutching to her phone just like she did about an hour ago. But this time, no one answered her call. She let her hand fall down from her ear in frustration. For a few minutes, she just stood there, so close to the edge her nose nearly touched the glass.

_He’s probably just still working and didn’t have time to text you yet. Or his phone ran out of battery or it fell down and broke. Or he’s having a beer with his colleagues after work, they do things like this sometimes, don’t they? Or he’s sneaking out some chicken for the cat after everyone else left._

There were endless possibilities. And wasn’t she the one to accuse him of stalking her? She was in no position to control him like this, was she? But her inner control-freak didn’t seem to care about this argumentation. No, her inner control-freak was going _insane_. And wasn’t that tragic somehow? That the stress kicked in so shortly before everything was over? Before she finished her exams and flew back to Spain to visit the one person that meant everything to her? It was extremely unfair, yet it didn’t feel like she had the slightest amount of control over the emotions that were raging inside her chest, dragging her down with a suction so forceful she felt like every attempt to fight it was completely and utterly senseless. It felt like drowning.

“Is everything okay?”

Carla flinched a little at the sudden voice behind her.

“Yeah”, she said quietly, almost in an excusing tone, “I’m just a little stressed lately. It’s nothing big.”

Luke nodded understandingly, a sympathetic smile on his face. “I get that, exam season always stresses me out, too. And the overly high expectations of my parents don’t make it any better. But don’t worry too much tonight. Sometimes it’s the best just to take your mind off things for a little while. It always helps me, to be honest.”

Carla sighed, shifting on her feet as she thought about his words. “You’re probably right, I shouldn’t worry so much.”

“Anyways, we want to go inside, are you coming with us? I’ll buy us a round of drinks.”

Carla couldn’t believe her eyes as she joined Amy and Chloe on the dancefloor again. She immediately recognized the guy Chloe was dancing – or more like grinding (classy as ever) – with. And the memories entering her mind in that second weren’t pleasant, they surely weren’t. But on the other hand, it was none of her business who her friend – who Chloe – was dancing with. If it had been Amy or Michelle, she would’ve intervened, but Chloe? She didn’t care about her at all to be honest. And if she chose to dance with that blue-eyed sexist prick it wasn’t her problem.

At least that was what Carla thought until she came closer to them and realized Chloe was pretty drunk, a stupidly big smile drawn over her face as she waved at the boys, Michelle and Carla who were joining them on the dance floor. What she felt at that moment must’ve been that kind of feminine solidarity everyone was talking about all the time.

“Chloe, we need to talk”, Carla said, already grabbing her wrist to pull her away from the guy.

“What the fuck, let me go!” the girl protested, clearly not amused.

In that moment, Carla felt like a mother dragging her teenage daughter away from a party. She didn’t listen to the girl’s protest and squirming in her grip as she dragged her through the crowd until they reached the edge of the dancing mass.

“I said let me go!”, Chloe screamed again, now ripping her arm away, “what the fuck is going on with you? Fucking bitch. Can’t stand it that I’m getting more attention from guys than you or what? It’s not my fault you chose to be in a relationship with someone who lives hundreds of miles away. Not that I think that this has a serious chance of working out anyway, with someone like you.”

Wow, that was intense. Apparently, Chloe didn't waste any time when it came to insulting her and starting a fight. And it didn't wonder her that Chloe referred to the topic that preoccupied her the most: Boys and relationships. It was the only thing Chloe ever talked about, she talked about it as if there was nothing else in the world.

Carla had to fight the urge to slap the disgusted look out of Chloe’s face right now, her last words echoing in her mind. _Someone like you._ It was obvious what the girl was hinting at. But to be fair Carla couldn’t even be too mad at her for that, because it wasn’t like she ever gave Chloe the chance to get to know her better. But it wasn’t like Chloe had tried to do so even in the slightest, on the other hand.

“Chloe. Listen to me.”, Carla put a hand around the girl’s neck to prevent her from avoiding her gaze, gently but firmly urging Chloe to look her in the eyes. Chloe seemed to be startled at the sudden touch and luckily, she seemed to be curious, too.

“That guy you’re dancing with, I know him. I met him at Luke’s party and he –“ Carla drew in a deep breath, “he harassed me on the dancefloor. Luckily, Samuel came to chase him away before anything serious happened, but for a second, he got really aggressive. It was scary, really. I don’t want to accuse him of anything, but if you hear stories of guys putting roofies into girl’s drinks I’m pretty sure it’s this type of guy they’re talking about. Just stay away from him, okay? I have a very bad feeling about that dude.”

Chloe stared at Carla in disbelief before she broke out in hysterical laughter. She shook Carla’s hand off her neck, her expression getting all serious now.

“And you want me to believe that? Oh honey, do you really think I’d be dumb enough to not notice how jealous you are?”

The blonde pressed her lips together as she closed her eyes for a second. Of course, this wasn’t bound to work out.

“Listen, Blondie, I have some news for you. Not every guy likes girls who fuck around and drug themselves, that’s not the biggest turn-on, you know. And it’s not my nor Jesse’s fault that you ran out of guys that want to fuck you or that you realize how alone you really are now with your oh-so-cute-lover sitting in another country. So, leave him and me the fuck alone!”, Chloe’s voice got louder and more aggressive with every word. Maybe she and Jesse were quite a match after all. “Maybe it’d be the best if you'd just piss off to wherever you came from!”

To underline her words, Chloe pushed Carla with so much force she stumbled back upon a group of guys standing behind her, one of them spilling his drink as she stabilized herself by gripping onto his shoulder.

Carla excused herself with a quiet “sorry”, watching Chloe disappear into the crowd again and then abruptly turned around to leave into the opposite direction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting more dramatic and poor Carla finds herself in the middle of the chaos that is her life...aaaand it gets angsty again #sorrynotsorry


	35. Rise

I can feel the power  
Running through my veins  
Getting louder  
Calling out my name  
And it feels like sunlight in the night sky  
It shines on my mind

_The Power – Duke Dumont ft. Zak Abel_

Tuesday, 3rd August, 0.28

Chloe was furious as she walked back onto the dancefloor, but she was even more furious as she realized the person she was looking for wasn’t there anymore. Jesse was gone. Great. Amy pulled her into a tight hug enthusiastically, screaming something about how happy she was right now in her typical exaggerating way. But Chloe didn’t give her too much attention, already detecting a new target at the edge of the dancing crowd.

“I’ll be right back” she said to Amy, freeing herself out of her friend’s grasp.

The brown-haired boy was surely surprised as he realized that Chloe was coming straight at him.

“Hey”, he greeted her with a smile, even if a little more reserved than usual. It was safe to say that he was unsure of how to act towards her. Why would Chloe seek him out? Not in a million years he would’ve thought that Chloe, of all people, would bat her lashes at him like she did right now and apparently not gave a shit about who she was seen with. Weird.

The cool summer air managed to make Carla calm down a bit. She drew in a deep breath while walking aimlessly over the rooftop, checking her phone again. Still no message from Samuel. For a moment, she just stood in the middle of the terrace, in between groups of people who were mumbling and laughing and smoking and couples that hid away in the corners to make out. A few of the faces were familiar to her, and she caught a few gazes as she turned around herself, probably because of how utterly lost she looked. She stopped in her tracks as she noticed two girls getting up in one of the seating areas and quickly walked over to let herself fall down on the cushions. At least she could give her feet a short break now.

It was a pity Carla couldn’t really enjoy the sight she had right now. It was beautiful. Colorful lights flickering into the pitch black night sky, lights of cars and streetlamps, of offices and apartments, and at one spot Carla thought she could even detect the billboards that lit up the Piccadilly Circus. She let her thoughts drift away, imagining all the people sitting in cars or being in their apartments or working right now, and she thought of how somewhere out there in London, someone probably had the best day of their life right now. And very surely, there was someone having the worst day of their life today, too. She thought about how those people probably didn’t even know that today was their best or worst day, how it was more likely that they’d realize their (bad) luck in retrospective, and then she asked herself if she already lived through _her_ best and worst day. And she deeply hoped that the answers to this would be _no_ and _yes_. Everything else was simply not acceptable. Or no: everything else was simply not bearable.

Carla found it hard to tear off her gaze from the hypnotizing amount of lights contrasting the darkness, but the weight shift she felt as someone sat down next to her made her turn her head.

Instantly, all off her recent relaxation was gone.

“What do you want?” she nearly spitted out her question. It would be the best to outright show Chloe that she didn’t intend on putting up with her shit any longer.

The girl looked away for a second, fixating her gaze on the drinks she was holding.

“I’m sorry”, Chloe looked up at Carla now, “what just happened was…I – I shouldn’t have done that. And I’m sorry that I insulted you. It was just in the heat of the moment, I was angry that you dragged me away from Jesse and –“ Chloe let out a deep sigh.

Carla shook her head with her lips pressed into a tight line. She didn’t really know what to answer. Her words of choice were definitely “ _fuck off, bitch”._ She already had the _f_ on her tongue, felt how it wanted to be pronounced and formed into a word by her, but on the other hand holding herself back and biting her tongue was something that made Carla be ahead of Chloe, and she didn’t want to lose that advantage.

“I was just trying to help you, Chloe. And being drunk or _the heat of the moment_ are no excuses to act like a fucking bitch. And judging by how quickly you accused me of everything those words didn’t just develop in the heat of the moment. That was just what you already thought and now you finally had the chance to say it.”

Carla did her best not to appear angry, instead she tried to mask her emotions as well as she could. A firm, reasoning argumentation was way more intimidating than any insult could ever be.

It seemed to work, judging by how Chloe stared at the glasses again, biting her lower lip.

“I know it was dumb. It won’t happen again, okay?”

Then, Chloe raised her left hand, holding out one of the drinks for Carla. “I even got you Gin Tonic as an excuse.”

Carla critically raised her brows at the drink, grabbing the glass slowly. Originally, she didn’t plan on having another drink because it was nearly one in the morning now and it was about time for her to get home, but she had a dry throat and she knew that without knowing Samuel was in bed as well sleeping wasn’t an option for her. Additionally, she hoped that time would go by a little faster with some alcohol in her system and in between all these people instead of when she was lying in bed alone with the darkness of her room swallowing her as she tossed and turned in her sheets.

It was the first time Carla really talked to Chloe, and though they were rather reserved and the conversational depth didn’t go beyond small-talk level (and she of course still thought that Chloe was a bitch), it was a welcoming distraction from her still empty phone screen.

Chloe noticed the blonde loosen up a bit while they sipped their drinks and she told Carla the latest (more or less) scandalous rumors about their fellow students. For the fact that Carla always acted so disinterested about gossip, it was surprising how interested she seemed to be into these stories now. Chloe even managed to draw a laugh out of the otherwise so quiet girl, and she really hoped that her satisfaction about it wasn’t all too obvious.

Every now and then, Carla glanced down at her phone nervously, unlocking and locking it again. Nothing. It wasn’t long until Chloe noticed Carla’s worried features, blonde brows furrowed and the slightest hint of red in her green eyes.

“No offense, but back then you were more fun at parties”, Chloe sucked on her straw, creating a unnerving sound as she reached the bottom of the glass, “and I remember how much your good mood always used to annoy me, but now that you’re sitting here looking as miserable as ever, I start to miss the old Carla.”

 _The old Carla._ As if she was a whole new person now. But to be fair, she definitely had changed, hadn’t she? But right now, it didn’t feel like it she’d changed for the better. It was a mystery how being with Samuel made everything feel less and more complicated at the same time. She was less lonely, the numb feeling that hung over her like a veil of mist was gone, she felt less sad. But then again, there were so many emotions she had to deal with now, and to make it worse they were much stronger and deeper than they were before. Fear, worry, love.

“Anyways, it isn’t like I haven’t noticed that sad face of yours all night, sweetie”, Chloe went on, putting her drink away and opening the purse that was resting on her thighs, “and to be honest, one Gin Tonic makes a pretty shitty excuse for all the insults I threw at your face. So...I thought…”, Carla curiously followed the movement of Chloe’s hands as she finally found what she was searching for, “I’d get you something that’ll definitely cheer you up.”

Carla felt every muscle in her body stiffen as she looked at the small plastic bag Chloe held up right before her eyes. That was a sick move, even for Chloe.

“I never realized how much it looks like brown sugar”, the brunette went on, shaking her hand a little to emphasize her statement, “it looks so innocent, doesn’t it?”

Her heart started to race as Carla stared at the small brown crystals, it was the first time since Luke’s birthday that the small amount of pure happiness was within her reach again, and she was sure she shouldn’t feel so excited about it as she did right now.

“What is it? Have you gone mute now or what?” the other girl let out a laughter, obviously irritated by Carla’s lack of reaction. She didn’t know what exactly she’d expected to happen, but it certainly wasn’t the blonde girl freezing as if she’d seen a ghost.

And Carla didn’t even flinch as Chloe began to let the small crystals trickle into her half-full glass, mixing them up with the transparent liquid in between melting ice cubes.

Tuesday, 3rd August, 1.16

With heavy steps, Samuel dragged himself up the stairs to his apartment. He had a long shift behind him thanks to some girls that couldn’t get enough of the restaurant’s cocktails and his coworker Antonio who needed someone to talk to after his girlfriend of many years had broken up with him. And of course, Samuel couldn’t say no as he registered Antonio’s quivering lips, asking him to stay a bit longer for "just one beer". In the end, it were two beers, and after one hour of his coworker alternating between anger, sadness and the hope “to make it work again”, Samuel excused himself.

“Sorry mate, I really have to go home now, or else I’ll be the next one to deal with a breakup.” He bit his lip immediately after the unsensible words had left his mouth, cursing himself but blaming it on his tiredness.

The first thing he did was to connect his phone to the charger, the stupid thing was running out of battery faster than ever now. While doing so, he already prepared himself for angry - or worried - messages from his girlfriend. He knew well enough how much it concerned her when he didn’t text her after work, and since he himself was to blame for her small trauma, he felt obligated to keep in touch with her as good as he could.

The last one of her six calls had been thirteen minutes ago. Samuel’s hope that she was already sleeping and the lack of his texts didn’t affect her all too much instantly decreased.

“Hey”, Samuel spoke quietly into his phone, rubbing his face with his free hand, “I’m so sorry but my phone ran out of battery and then Antonio, my coworker, asked me to stay a little longer because his girlfriend had broken up with him and – shit I’m sorry for keeping you up this late.”

Samuel furrowed his brows as he listened for an answer of her. Instead, he could only detect a deep electronic bass accompanied by an energetic melody.

“Hi” was the only thing she said.

It was hard to detect the feelings that hid beneath those two letters, but Samuel could already tell that something was going on with her.

“Is everything alright? Carla?”

The sound of music was all he could hear again, but it got quieter now, as if she was getting away from the source of noise.

Finally, she began to speak.

“Samuel, I –“, her voice was unsteady, shaking even, “I – I nearly did it again.”

“Did what again?” Samuel asked as calm as possible even when he already knew the answer.

“I nearly took Molly again.”

“Fuck”, he took a deep breath, “but you didn’t do it, did you? You said you _nearly_ took it again. That’s good. Everything is fine, okay, Carla?”

But Carla didn’t feel like everything was fine. She hugged herself a little tighter as she stepped out of the building and onto the sidewalk. It was still busy, people and cars and delivery-workers on bikes crossing the road, snippets of conversations and car horns and the clicking of high heals in her ears, and the colorful lights she’d watched all night from the rooftop not being distant at all anymore. She was in the middle of everything now, and she thought that she’d never felt so small before. Her body was shaking like a leaf as she searched for support on the nearest wall, the shivering clearly not being caused by the temperature but by the adrenaline that was rushing through her veins. Suddenly, everything had gone so fast. The drink. The drugs. The glass on her lips. Chloe’s encouraging smile. Chloe’s high-pitched shriek as Carla spilled the drink into her face last second. People staring at them. Carla getting up, pushing herself through the crowd – Samuel’s call – Carla hurrying into the elevator, counting endless seconds until she reached the ground floor while her mind was still adjusting to what just happened.

“Where are you right now? At a club?”

Carla looked around like it was her first day on earth, shaking her head ever so slightly.

“No, I just came out of a club. I’m standing on the sidewalk now.”

“Okay, then get yourself a taxi. I won’t hang up.”

She was sure she looked absolutely miserable as she finally crawled into bed, Samuel still on her phone, but on video this time. He insisted on seeing her and she needed to see him just as bad, too, so she didn’t care too much about the dark shadows under her eyes or the red within them. He’d seen her at her worst already, so it didn’t really matter.

“Do you think you can sleep now?” Samuel’s face was filled with the mixture of worry and sympathy that made her heart clench every single time, and she was deeply thankful that he didn’t ask for any details of tonight’s events.

“Mhm”, Carla nodded, her head sinking a little deeper into her pillow, “I’m very tired.”

“I know, beautiful.”

Carla let out the smallest chuckle at his cheesiness, because she was sure that right now she was far away from being beautiful, at least in her (admittedly critical) eyes. But she knew he probably just did it to cheer her up, and judging by the small wrinkles on the corners of her mouth, it worked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Biggest bitch of the year award goes to Chloe - I never knew I could hate someone I've created inside my head haha


	36. Magic

_But baby you’re an ocean away_  
_And now I’m looking if I can stay_  
_When I left I thought that this can just wait_  
_But now I know I’m coming back home_

_Spain – Sasha K.A. ft. Natalie Price_

Wednesday, 4th August, 16.34

The clocks couldn’t tick fast enough for Samuel these days. Normally, being patient wasn’t that much of a problem for him. Patience and even more so persistence were things he’d always been taught by his mother. She told him many times that persever-ance and hard work pays off, and though Samuel noticed how she started to believe her own words less and less throughout the years, he still held onto her sentences like they were his personal mantra, mostly because he was convinced that they were true. Of course he knew they weren’t applying at all times and situations, but the basic idea of that concept made sense to him. And to top it off it reflected diligence, humility and a sympathetic kind of simplicity, and he liked to believe that most of his actions were somehow led by those values.

Still, he couldn’t help but grow more and more impatient with every day, or more exactly with every passing hour. Right now, it was a miracle to him how he managed to survive (yes, _survive_ , he was a tad dramatic again) so long without seeing Carla.

It had nearly been three months now, and that were three months too much. And the two days he still had to wait were also two days too much. If there had been any spell that would’ve magically catapulted him to the 6th August and right into Carla’s arms, fuck, he would’ve used it. But there was no spell and Samuel knew that even if there was it would probably have a price like selling his soul to a demon or something, and he wasn’t sure if loosing his soul to something as stupid as impatience really was worth it (even though he was very sure that if he sold his soul, Carla would totally find the demon and kick his ass – but yeah, he probably should just go to work now and not get too caught up in supernatural scenarios about his girlfriend – god she can never know this, that’s just too awkward).

Samuel tried to concentrate onto reality again, which meant changing into proper clothes, getting his keys, wallet and phone and then throwing himself onto his bike. As the warm wind of Madrid was caressing his face and hair he began to drift off again, into the more than comforting thought of Carla coming to see him, to stay with him until her courses started again (which was only in September) and to fall asleep in his arms every night until then. A warm smile tugged on his lips as he rode towards the restaurant, completely unaware that Carla had changed her plans by now. 

No, his last update of her was their conversation last night. A conversation in which Samuel had carefully asked _how she was doing_ , though the whole question would’ve read: how are you doing after nearly having a drug relapse?

And of course, Carla understood what he meant, his words thick with that special kind of worry he never was able to hide, the one that was alarming and comforting at once. Alarming, because Carla knew she had to do what she disliked the most: talk about her feelings. Comforting, because Carla knew that someone cared for her. Someone wanted to know how she was doing not only to start a superficial conversation, no, someone wanted to know how she was doing because he was genuinely interested and ready to be there for her no matter what she was about to tell them. It felt great.

“Do you want an honest answer?” she’d asked him. She knew it was a stupid thing to ask, but it gave her more time, at least the few seconds until he answered with a soft yet encouraging _of course_.

“I feel like the dumbest person on earth.”

“Why is that?” Samuel asked quietly, turning around so that he was laying on his side. He liked to phone Carla when he was already lying in bed, sometimes closing his eyes and pretending like he wasn’t hearing her voice through his phone’s speakers but that she was laying right beside him, her warm breath massaging his cheeks as she spoke.

“Because I was so close”, Carla exhaled with a sigh, “I already had the glass on my lips. And I really don’t know how I could’ve been so fucking stupid to even _consider_ doing it again, knowing very well I can’t handle it.”

“So now you’re being angry at yourself for restraining your cravings?”

“Samuel, I didn’t restrain –“

“Yes you did. Don’t be so harsh on yourself, please. Did you really think that you’d never feel the need to do it again? You know that’s not realistic.”

_That’s not realistic for most people. But I’m not most people, at least not when it comes to disciplining myself._

That was one thing she’d been extraordinarily good at for most of her life, well, until a certain point for sure. And she’d always thought that loosing her special ability had been caused by all the horrifying events and it would last only temporarily. But that didn’t seem to be the case. No, she must’ve lost it not only for a few months or years, she lost it forever. And the worst thing was how clueless she felt about whether that was a good or a bad thing. Had she changed for better or for worse? Had she changed at all? Or was her change just the natural process of growing up?

“You still there?” Samuel interrupted her small identity-crisis.

Carla brought up her arms to hug herself as she leaned against the windowsill, watching the sky getting even darker than it already was, which was caused by grey clouds being carried upon London with hefty gusts of wind. She remembered hearing the radio speaker warning of upcoming thunderstorms as she was having breakfast this morning and his prophecy seemed to fulfill itself every minute now.

“Hmh”, she turned around to stroll over to her bed, letting the curtains stay open on purpose. The entertainment of watching dazzlingly bright lightnings cut through the black night sky never failed to amaze her. “But I still feel dumb. I never thought it would be…this hard, you know. I don’t even want to know what meth addicts have to go through.”

The tone in her voice got lighter at her last words, causing Samuel to chuckle.

“My mom tried to quit smoking about nine or ten times since I can think and never succeeded. I know its probably a bad comparison but just let me tell you I’ve already accompanied some withdrawals.”

“Uhh, so you’re an expert or what?”, Carla rolled onto her stomach, resting her chin on her hand as she registered the first lightning outside of her window, “do you have any tips?”

“As I said, she never succeeded.”

She rolled her eyes in amusement, “a real joker we have here, don’t we?”

“I never said that I was an expert in the first place” Samuel responded, “love and support is all I have to offer for you, for everything else you better consult a professional.”

Her heart skipped a beat at his words. It was a mystery to her how her body never got tired of responding to his endless cheesy confessions and she was sure she’d never solve that mystery, or more she didn’t want to.

She didn’t want to know about how her brain processed his words and triggered a hormonal reaction in her insides, just like she didn’t want to know how it was possible for electricity to visually manifest itself in white columns between sky and earth – it was fascinating, magic even, and absolutely beyond her control. And she guessed that it was okay. Her whole life she’d fought for control – over things, other people, herself – and keeping that up had been so energy-sapping there was nothing left to fight the real dangers, that what she _really_ needed to control. And suddenly she realized that her inability to control everything around her, including herself, was a good thing. It was a change for the better, because holding on to this extreme, she was very sure, would’ve brought her down sooner or later, and at least she wasn’t in her forty’s having a midlife crisis and thinking that _it was too late_ now _._ Changes still could be made, and yes, Carla knew what people always said about _it never being too late to change,_ but she also knew only the fewest people actually made changes after holding on to their identity for several decades.

“Hey dude” Antonio greeted him.

“Hey”, Samuel answered, tying the apron around his hips. He was eager to get started with work, because hastily running from one table to another and back into the kitchen and then to the tables again was his own version of time travel. Working did a good job of distracting him and his boss' way of running the restaurant which meant keeping them chronically understaffed to save money made definitely sure Samuel never got bored.

But after five hours of running around with tablets full of drinks and burgers and more drinks and various desserts, he was surely happy to get out of the hustle and bustle for a bit. He checked his phone as he sat on the bench outside with a bottle of coke in between his legs and a quick-made sandwich in hand. The lack of messages didn’t unsettle him too much since he’d promised Carla to call her after work and not disturb her study sessions throughout the day.

“Eh, Samu, sorry to bother you but where exactly did you put the pickles? Felipe can’t find them.”

It took Samuel everything he had in him to not respond with: _I put them where we always put them. Into the shelf in which we stock them since I've started to work here three years ago and probably even before then._

But he wasn’t an asshole, and he liked his coworkers, even when they were chaotic and uncoordinated most of the time.

“They’re in the left top shelf, right beside the dried tomatoes”, Antonio nodded, already on his way back in, “and get yourself a ladder if you can’t reach them!” Samuel shouted. The last thing he needed now was his coworker climbing the shelf and demolishing it.

He already had a bad suspicion as Antonio came back out again a few minutes later.

“Do you know by chance what our best wine is?”

Thank god. No demolished shelf.

Nonetheless, Samuel got up. Explaining the wine thing would be a bit too complicated and he didn’t even know which wines they had in stock right now.

“What kind? White?”

Antonio nodded, following Samuel inside. It wasn’t too hard to guess, white wine was by far the most consumed type at the restaurant.

“It’s okay, I’ll take care of it” Samuel said. He was sure there was a lot more to do and his break was nearly over anyway.

“Its for table seven” Antonio informed him before rushing back to the kitchen.

Samuel squatted in front of the wine fridge. The best wines weren’t exactly the most popular and were therefore stocked at the very bottom.

He randomly grabbed one and immediately a smile formed on his lips as he looked at it, tracing the pretty label with his thumb. The ornated, golden font was placed neatly above a light green landscape, making it look traditional but delicately pretty at the same time.

_Marquesado de Caleruega_

Of course, a wine of his girlfriend’s winery (that sounds cool, doesn’t it?) was the best they had.

In hopes of pleasing the guest with his choice he stood up and closed the fridge, grabbing a white cloth and a wine glass along his way. They always had to do this little wine ceremony in which the guests tasted just one sip and then decided if it was okay. And while he was sure most guests didn’t know a shit about wine, it dawned him that someone who ordered a bottle costing 26 € per glass must have at least the slightest bit of wine expertise.

And so he made his way to table seven, already scanning the other tables for empty plates or wallet that signaled the guests wanted to pay. But all the guests seemed satisfied, Antonio was doing a good job –

Samuel froze in his movements as his gaze finally fell onto table seven, or more precisely the guest sitting at it. And even if she didn’t stare at him now with her big green eyes, he would’ve instantly recognized her. How she sat there with her shoulders pushed back elegantly to form a straight posture and legs gracefully thrown over each other, wavy blonde hair falling onto delicate shoulders.

_But how was that possible? She couldn’t be here, could she? She had to be in London, studying for her exam –_

“For how long do you intend to stand there and stare at me?”

 _Oh god, and her voice, that husky voice of hers._ It was too much for Samuel. He walked towards the table with shaky legs, concentrating on not letting the bottle drop as his hands began to get sweaty. He didn’t take his eyes off of her as he did so – he took in her amused expression, the white dress she wore that was decorated with a fine lacey floral pattern, her slim feet framed by a pair of cream-colored sandals – she looked like an angel.

_Was she even real?_

“What are you doing here?” was all he could think of as he placed the bottle and glass onto the table.

Samuel looked like he’d seen a ghost. Or more like he’d seen a whole army of ghosts. It was adorable, but Carla was too impatient to admire his astounded features any longer.

She got up, carelessly pushing the chair back with her legs.

“Is that how you greet your girlfriend after three months?”

Samuel’s heart began to race even more as she closed the short distance between them by bringing her arms up around his neck and pressing her head into his chest. He instinctively wrapped his arms around her waists, also burying his head in her neck and taking in her scent. Her perfume smelled like flowers and honey and the slightest bit of coconut, it was light and sweet but too dominant for his taste, so he nuzzled his nose into her skin even more to just smell _her_ , but she began to giggle and wriggle in his grip, obviously ticklish.

Samuel pulled away just enough to look at her face or more exactly her lips and then – well, he couldn’t even properly remember what happened the next seconds. The touch of her lips on his made him feel like he was being catapulted into a whole new universe and his brain just seemed to stop working for that moment.

The first thing he registered again were loud whistles and handclapping from the table at which a group of guys was sitting.

“Yeah, go get her, Samuel!” one of them cheered. They came here nearly every week and though Samuel didn’t know their names, they obviously knew his.

The two girls right next to them were a bit more reserved, quietly whispering _ohh_ and _how cute._

Carla seemed to register the noises as well, breaking into a smile before pecking his lips one more time to part with a loud kissing sound at the end.

She peeked over his shoulder to where the guys were sitting. “Seems like you have a fanbase now."

“Yeah”, Samuel answered breathlessly, he still couldn’t believe what just happened, “will you tell me what you’re doing here now?”

He was _really_ curious. Was it good or bad that she was here now? What about her exam? Did anything happen?

“Hey”, she spoke softly, smoothing his furrowed brows with her thumbs, “there’s nothing to worry about. I’m fine. I’ll explain everything later, okay?”

He just nodded, relieved for now.

“I need to get back to work now, although I’m really not in the mood for it right now.”

“Not?”, she asked with one of her eyebrows perched up, creating a cheeky look on her face, “and what are you in the mood for?”

Samuel couldn’t help but let out a small laugh at that, rising his head to look at the ceiling for a second as if he wanted to thank god or whoever it was up there for gifting him with someone as precious as Carla.

He licked his lips as he found her eyes again, a challenging sparkle beneath the green tone.

“I’ll tell you later” he said, his voice a little lower than it was before. He gave her a final peck before she sat down again and then he let her taste the wine – _excellent, a good choice_ – and poured her a glass before leaving into the kitchen as if nothing happened.

“What was that?” Antonio asked with big eyes. He and Felipe looked absolutely baffled. Since their attention had been caught by the whistling and clapping noises coming out of the seating area, they’d been standing in the doorframe, watching the whole spectacle.

Samuel couldn’t hide his smug expression.

“I just said hi my girlfriend.”

“ _That_ is your girlfriend? Carla?” Antonio asked in disbelief.

“Yeah”, Samuel shrugged, “I showed you a picture once don’t you remember?”

“Yes but…”

“Let’s say it like this”, Felipe interrupted Antonio, putting a hand onto his shoulder, “Antonio here had…slight doubts when it came to the existence of your girlfriend.”

“What, why?”

“I didn’t mean it badly”, Antonio mumbled, “I just thought that this whole story sounded a bit constructed, with your girlfriend living in London and that you randomly met her at a party and everything. And then the picture you showed me – she looked like a freaking model, I thought you found it on the internet. And I really didn’t recognize her.”

Samuel knew he could probably feel offended at that, but right now he was just in the mood to laugh at his coworker’s sheepish explanation.

“Well, I guess you’ve been proved wrong now.”


	37. Home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't find a proper song for this one so no lyrics for this chapter but I think you can live with that haha. 
> 
> Have fun reading! :)

Wednesday, 4th August, 22.52

With every sip of her wine it became harder for Carla to resist the urge of getting up and grabbing Samuel to kiss him again. She sat there watching his every move as he roamed from one table to another, serving drinks and desserts and collecting money from those who were about to leave. He looked absolutely hot, dressed in black from head to toe with an also black apron tied around his hips. Every now and then he scuffled his dark locks when they were falling into his face and Carla couldn’t help but think of how the dark brown streaks of hair felt like in her fingers when his head was buried in between her –

“Do you want to eat something?” Suddenly he was at her table again, slightly shifting in his position as he resumed talking, “I was so perplexed before that I totally forgot to ask you, sorry.”

Carla shook her head slightly. “No problem. I’m not hungry, actually.”

It wasn’t like Carla already had a proper dinner, but with spontaneously deciding to fly to Madrid in the morning, her day had been rather stressful, tying her stomach into knots. But Samuel wouldn’t give up that easily.

“Are you sure? Nothing? I could just throw some noodles into a pot or make you a sandwich.”

Carla played with the thin stem of her wine glass, trying her hardest to register any sign of appetite. But the thought of noodles or a sandwich didn’t really convince her.

“No, I’m fine, really.” She saw how Samuel shrugged his shoulders slightly, scratching his neck a bit cluelessly as he turned around to leave.

He wasn’t even three steps away as he turned on his heels so sharply Carla thought he’d slip for a second. His hectic motion made her laugh a bit and she did a bad job at covering her mouth, resulting in Samuel letting out a short laugh, too.

“And what about dessert?” he asked then, a confident smile now on his lips, “come on, you can’t say no to some fine Mousse au Chocolate. I know how much of a sweet tooth you are.”

Carla raised her eyebrows. _Was that so obvious?_

“Okay, fine”, she finally gave in, “but don’t make the portion too big.”

Of course, the portion Samuel brought her was too big.

It was too much Mousse, brown and white, it were too many straw-, rasp- and blueberries scattered around it, it was too much whipped cream and too much chocolate sauce (seriously, chocolate sauce _on top_ of something that was also made of chocolate?), but in the end, that didn’t stop Carla from eating all of it.

It probably contained the number of calories she normally ate within a whole day, but her last meal had been at ten in the morning, so what?

And Samuel’s proud face as he collected her empty plate was definitely worth it. She knew nothing made him more happy than caring for someone who actually _wanted_ to be cared for, and if she had to eat 2000 calories worth of dessert to bring up that cute dimpled smile on his tanned face, hell, she did it.

About half an hour later, Samuel came back to her now cleaned table, the apron no longer around his hips.

“So, I’m done. We can go home now.”

Carla stood up to leave the now empty restaurant beside him, but not without stealing another kiss before.

The air was still extremely warm outside, Carla had almost forgotten how much hotter it was in Madrid then in London during summer. And even though a layer of sweat began to form on the insides of their entwined hands, neither Samuel nor Carla wanted to let go of each other as they waited for the taxi to arrive. Samuel would have to leave his dear-loved bike at the restaurant for the night, but in exchange for taking Carla home that wasn’t much of a problem for him.

“Look”, Samuel suddenly whispered, pointing at nearby bushes.

Carla squinted her eyes to see what he was looking at, but it was too dark for her to recognize anything unusual apart from green branches.

“What?” she asked confused, looking at Samuel who was still staring at the bushes. She got even more confused as he began to whistle softly, letting go of her hand and taking a few steps towards the bushes. He fiddled around in his jeans pocket and began to throw something that looked like small brown granules in front of his feet.

_What on earth was he doi –_

Her thought was interrupted by a small dark shadow crawling from beneath the bushes, rushing towards Samuel’s feet to collect whatever he scattered there.

Carla instantly recognized the small creature that let out a quiet yet demanding _meow_ as it looked up to Samuel. The cat twitched insecurely as Carla took a step forward. She slowed down her steps to not chase the small animal away, cautiously putting one foot in front of the other until she came to stand next to Samuel.

“Do you want to feed her?” he held out his hand to her.  
“You seriously got cat food for her?” Carla asked, lips curling up as she took some of the brown crackers.

Samuel shrugged sheepishly. “You’re not the only one I’m feeding.”

Carla held back the urge to nudge him in the side for his comment, not wanting to frighten the small cat even more. Instead, she knelt down and held out her hand.

“Heyy my sweet kitty. Look, what I have for you. Mhmm, that looks tasty, doesn’t it?”

Samuel was glad that Carla couldn’t see his wide grin right now. Her change in demeanor was just too adorable not to grin at. He never heard her talking with such a soft and quiet voice before – it was absolutely clear now, she _did_ love cats.

“What’s her name?” Carla asked while throwing some cat food on the ground in front of her feet. Apparently, the cat refused to eat out of her hand, just like it refused to eat out of Samuel’s hand. The small creature was still a mystery to him. Sometimes she jumped restaurant tables to get something to eat and other times she was so shy – frightened even –

that she wouldn’t come closer than two or three meters.

“Cat.”

“Very funny”, Carla rolled her eyes as she got up again, holding out her hand for Samuel to give her some more cat food, “you didn’t give her a name yet? Seriously?”

“I don’t even know if its male or female, how am I supposed to name it then?”

“You could choose something gender neutral”, Carla knelt down again, studying the cat’s appearance more closely, “though I’m almost sure it’s a girl.”

“And what makes you so sure?” Samuel knelt down next to her, studying her profile.

“I feel it. Female intuition or something like that” Carla said, but not in a funny tone. She was actually serious about it.

Normally, Samuel would’ve laughed at a statement like this, not really believing into sixth senses or similar things. But something in the way Carla said it stopped him from doing so. She seemed to be so certain about it as she mustered the small cat with its big green eyes and long tousled fur that Samuel couldn’t bring himself to destroy the somewhat intimate moment between them.

After a few seconds of silence, the cat looked up cautiously, registering the sound of a car engine far sooner than the humans opposite her. And with that, she quickly turned around to disappear into the safety of darkness again just as the taxi arrived.

Walking through the door of Samuel’s apartment was probably the most relieving thing Carla felt in a long time. The wooden furnishing, the warm lights, the couch that was far more comfortable than it looked (for any kind of activity) – it felt like coming home.

She instantly walked over to let herself fall onto the soft cushions and sprawl her tired limbs out, not even bothering to drag her suitcase all the way into Samuel’s room first.

“That’s your favorite place here, isn’t it?” the boy leaned over her with an amused look.

Carla nodded with a content smile, popping up on her elbows to meet his lips before he had the chance to get away. Their kiss deepened almost automatically, making it impossibly harder for Samuel to pull away again.

“I’m gonna take a quick shower”, he whispered, his full wet lips only millimeters apart from hers, “I’m pretty sure I smell like a fryer.”

Carla wrinkled her nose with an amused smile. Although she couldn’t bring herself to really care about his body smell right now, she’d be lying if she denied his statement.

Samuel _really_ tried to make it quick. It took him approximately thirteen minutes to wash the smell of French fries and burgers away (plus to quickly shave some important parts thanks to Carla’s _surprise_ visit), but as he walked back into the living room with damp hair and a fresh pair of boxers, he realized that the rush had been unnecessary. Carla was already fast asleep on the couch, curled up on her side with her head resting on her hands and her lips slightly parted.

It was a sight for the gods, really. Samuel slowed down his steps, admired her sleeping figure for just a few seconds before he leaned down, cradled her in his arms and carefully lifted her up. She let out a small hum as he did so, nuzzling her nose into the bare skin of his warm (and now good smelling) chest. Carla was even lighter than he had in memory, the last few weeks must’ve been really rough for her. For that Samuel was even happier she was back with him now, allowing him to look after her – he knew how patchy her eating habits could get when she was stressed and alone.

He somehow managed to lay her down onto his mattress and exchange her white dress for one of his shirts (he was pretty sure Carla was only faking to be still asleep, but whatever, it was cute), and then he crawled into the small space that was left next to her.

They woke up the same way they fell asleep, hugging each other and with Carla’s head tucked under Samuel’s chin. It was a rare occasion that both of them woke up at the same time, usually Samuel’s brown eyes popped open first, taking in the peaceful expression of his girlfriend still sleeping, but today he was surprised to find her green irises already staring at him.

Then again, the next thing that happened didn’t surprise Samuel all too much. She was all over him in no time, capturing his lips and pressing her body against his. Delicate hands were roaming his face, his chest, his biceps. Small moans escaped her mouth as he did the same to her, taking his dark blue shirt off her body to leave her in nothing but her panties. But those were gone quickly after, along with his underwear. Even the blanket was carelessly thrown onto the ground in the process, the unwieldy fabric way too disturbing as they explored each other all over again.

Her skin was still as soft as he could remember, though Samuel registered that it was stretched more tightly over some of her bones now.

Carla increased the speed of her hips in order to fuck the worried look off his face – now wasn’t the time for him to come up with any serious topics. They could talk later. His rapid breathing and the way his mouth desperately roamed her breasts as she mercilessly thrusted and circled her hips into his proofed her tactic to work.

They ended up clutching to one another with Samuel leaning against the headboard and Carla sitting on top of him, panting and slick with sweat. If their brains weren’t still clouded with a bombshell of lucky hormones, they surely would’ve found it a bit nasty to sit there like this, bathed in their own sweat. But none of them was able to think straight, and then something struck Carla. Her need to talk to Samuel became so urgent she couldn’t wait a single second longer.

 _If Samuel always felt like this when he had something important to address, no wonder he never managed to shut up,_ was Carla’s last thought before the following words left her mouth.

“I’m going to stay.”

“What?” Samuel lifted his head up from where it had been pressed between her breasts, still panting.

He swallowed loudly and then narrowed his eyes at her. “What do you mean by that?”

“Like I said it”, Carla looked down at him now. She was greeted with his warm gaze, hazel eyes still a bit glassy and lips red and swollen. He looked thoroughly fucked, giving her a weird form of confirmation, yet there was something more about his look. His obvious satisfaction was mixed with his unmistakable, almost natural look of curiousness. He was pretty. And adorable. And he was hers.

A big smile spread over her face at her last thoughts. It was the first time she was nothing but happy for what felt like an eternity.

“I’m going to stay here. In Madrid. I’m not going back to London.”

Samuel looked at her like he tried to solve a really hard math function, eyes flickering and a stern look on his face.

“Like ever?” he finally asked, words dripping of insecurity.

_God Samuel._

“Yes.” Carla almost wanted to roll her eyes at his clueless expression. She gently stroke his hair back from his sweaty forehead before resting her hands on either side of his face, cupping his flushed cheeks. “I don’t want to live there anymore. I want to live here”, she twisted her mouth, thinking about her next words for a second, “with you.”

Samuel’s eyes got impossibly bigger as he processed her words.

Carla counted the seconds as she waited for the unavoidable rant that was about to come. Three…Two…On–

“But what about your exam? Your studies? You need to graduat–“

“Shh”, she put her index finger on his lips, “I’ve already made my decision.”

“But why?”

Okay, she couldn’t be mad at him for that one. The question as to _why_ she no longer wanted to live in London actually wasn’t that easy to figure out, even for her. Because things got better now, didn’t they? She had close friends, her apartment looked somewhat homely now, her life was more or less stable (uni, gym, therapy and _no_ drugs), but still it felt like something was missing. Or someone.

“During the last weeks, I somehow realized that even _if_ I do everything in my power to maintain a halfway normal life, I still don’t feel…good. I moved to London because I wanted to leave everything behind but still that wasn’t my no.1 plan. I always wanted to go to California after school, but I didn’t. And do you know why? Because it was so far away, and suddenly the thought of being on the other side of the world scared the shit out of me. And then I made the compromise to move to London, I didn’t have anything holding me here back then. But now I have, and I just want to come home again. I want peace”, her voice got quieter with each word, she looked really exhausted all of sudden, “I just want peace.”

Samuel didn’t know what to say. All the time she told him to not give everything up for her and now she herself was the one to pull up stakes and come back home?

“I can finish my studies here”, Carla went on, her tone a bit more determined again, “I’ll take over the wineries one way or another, it doesn’t matter if I graduate in London or Madrid. And I don’t need to study in London just for the sake of bragging about how I moved to another country for my studies.”

“Are you really sure about that?” Samuel’s words were quiet. He obviously contemplated on whether he should try to talk her out of her decision. But on the other hand he knew that this would work with an probability close to zero, and lets be honest: He wanted nothing more than for Carla to stay in Spain and never, ever ( _ever_ ) leave again.

“Hundred percent.”

There was another thing Carla was hundred percent sure of, and that was that she hadn’t had enough of Samuel yet. He willingly offered her a second round of the kisses and touches she longed for so desperately, until they were all sweaty again, panting and shaking and definitely in need of a cold shower now.

And Samuel couldn’t help but suck in a sharp breath as she was at him _again_ about thirty minutes later, hugging him from behind and kissing his neck as he was preparing her favorite breakfast – pancakes – for her.

She came freshly out of the shower and only wore panties and a fresh shirt of his, barely covering her butt. Samuel was even less clothed, only wearing a pair of short sport pants. He lifted her up to sit her down on the kitchen counter, Carla squealing as her butt touched the cool surface and the squeal turning into giggles as Samuel began to kiss her neck.

But luckily – they were really, really lucky – the person that was about to enter the apartment was right in front of the door already, because if she’d been coming in just three, or maybe two minutes later, well…

Samuel stopped kissing her abruptly as he heard a noise coming from the front door. With a mixture of curiosity and slight fear (was someone trying to break in?) he walked towards the door with Carla hesitantly following him.

As the door finally opened and revealed who’d been standing on the other side, Samuel’s mouth fell open.

“Mom?”


	38. Love

_Turning circles and time again_  
_Cut like a knife oh now_  
_If ya love me got to know for sure_  
_'Cause it takes something more this time_  
_Than sweet, sweet lies oh now_  
_Before I open up my arms and fall_  
_Losing all control_  
_Every dream inside my soul_  
_When ya kiss me on that midnight street_  
_Sweep me off my feet_  
_Singing, "ain't this life so sweet?"_

_This year's love - David Gray_ (aka. a song about the bravery of falling in love despite being hurt badly before aka. me getting emotional)

_Thursday, 5 th August, 11.29_

Samuel blinked in surprise, trying to process the situation.

“What? Aren’t you happy to see me?” Pilar asked with a smile, already walking over to her son with wide arms.

“Of course I’m happy its just–“

Before Samuel could finish the sentence, his mother had already engulfed him in a tight hug.

“God, I’ve missed you so much” Pilar whispered, taking a step back to take a look at her son’s face. He still looked confused, but overall, he looked happy. The sun of Madrid had left a healthy tan on his face and Pilar couldn’t help but think of how much more mature he looked since she last saw him in person. She shook her head ever so slightly to get rid of her nostalgic thoughts, now focusing on the girl standing behind him.

It was awkward. Of course it was. Carla felt blood arise in her cheeks as she pictured what would’ve happened if Pilar came in only a few minutes later. Just thinking of being caught fucking in the kitchen by her boyfriend’s mother caused her to feel utterly embarrassed. And her outfit didn’t make it any better. She wasn’t even wearing a bra under Samuel’s shirt, but luckily it was dark and wide, covering at least _something_.

“Carla”, Pilar turned to her now, still smiling, “you’re also here? Samuel told me you weren’t coming before Friday.”

“Yeah”, Carla looked over to Samuel, who gave her a reassuring smile, “but I changed my plans and arrived yesterday evening already.”

“I see”, Pilar nodded, facing Samuel again, “seems like I’m not the only woman who planned to surprise you.”

The boy shrugged sheepishly. Not one, but _two_ surprise visits by the women who meant the most to him was definitely more attention than he was used to. And all that in less than 24 hours.

“I’m glad to finally meet you”, Pilar said, holding out her hand for Carla. They didn’t exactly meet for the first time, but Carla was relieved that Pilar didn’t seem to count their encounter at the police station as a proper meeting.

Just as Carla wanted to shake her hand, Pilar changed her mind. “What am I doing? Come here.”

Carla was more than surprised by being hugged (and very thankful that she just came out of the shower and didn’t smell like sex anymore), but on the other hand the kind gesture made her smile. It felt honest.

“We were just about to make some pancakes” Samuel loosely pointed at the bowl filled with dough on top of the counter, “do want some, too?”

“You were making breakfast at…”, Pilar looked at the clock on her wrist, “half past eleven? Isn’t that a bit late?”

Carla twisted her mouth and looked over to Samuel, hoping that he had a quick-witted answer as to _why_ they only got out of bed. Of course, he didn’t. She could swear that she saw a look of quiet realization on Pilar’s face before she began talking again.

“Anyway, I’m not the one to tell you when to have breakfast. You perfectly handled everything yourself for the past years, and even before that…”

“Will you stay?” Samuel suddenly blurted out.

“Yes”, Pilar nodded with a loving smile, “I’ve had enough of Morocco. Your brother’s life seems stable now and we all know I can’t watch over him forever. But you should visit him some time, he misses you.”

Samuel’s gaze shifted to meet with the floor. The relationship to his brother was still…tense. They weren’t fighting, but they weren’t on the best terms, either. Not like they were before everything happened. And on top of that Nano wasn’t a fan of him being with Carla now. Though Samuel had tried to explain that his relationship was none of Nano's business for what felt like hundred times by now, his brother refused to let go of his grudge. Their stubbornness was definitely something they had in common.

Pilar went to her bedroom to unpack her two extremely big suitcases while Carla and Samuel finally had pancakes and were talking about what to do with their time now. Samuel didn’t have to work today and there wasn’t a single cloud hanging over Madrid which allowed the sun to burn down on the city mercilessly.

“Did you pack a bikini?”, Samuel asked between two bites. 

Carla’s forehead wrinkled as she tried to recall the insides of her suitcase. She nodded slowly. “I think so.”

“Will you tell me where we’re going now? Please?” Carla really didn’t want to sound annoyed, but after sitting in a bus without air condition for thirty minutes and the pain in her shoulder getting worse with every step as the handle of her bag cut into her flesh she didn’t sound exactly cheerful.

“Come on, its not long anymore”, Samuel turned around, a little amused by how Carla walked behind him like a defiant child, clumsily setting one foot in front of the other. Going cross-country with sandals wasn’t exactly practical, but it wasn’t like Samuel hadn’t told her to wear solid footwear.

“I can take your bag” he said, holding out a hand for her as she climbed over the trunk of a tree. But she only shot him a death glare, refusing to either take his hand or let him carry her bag, stubbornly focusing on the spot of grass she could detect through the trees and what she hoped would be their destination.

“Please don’t tell me that I nearly broke my legs for _this_ ”, Carla stated with her hands in her hips, staring at the lake in front of them.

“What did you expect? The Pacific Ocean?” Samuel argued, already spreading his towel on the dry grass. But he couldn’t be mad at her for real. Not when she sat down on her pink towel (cashmere for sure) and let out a sigh as if she'd just ran a marathon on crutches.

After all, her princess-like behavior breaking through every now and then was the most amusing thing to Samuel. Especially when she was being as melodramatic as now, skeptically looking around and then bending to fiddle around with the caps of her golden sandals, groaning even more as she couldn’t get them open at her first try.

“Can I help you with something?” Samuel asked, though the way he was already laying on the towel, supporting himself with his elbows, gave away he had no serios intention of helping her. Carla furrowed her brows at him behind her ridiculously big sunglasses, making him involuntarily smirk. That’s what he gets for falling in love with a marchioness. He loves every second of it.

“Guess I have to cheer you up with some music then.”

He began to roam his backpack for the small music box he’d brought, placing it between them as he connected his phone to it.

Carla tried her best to stay serious at the annoyingly cheerful sound that emerged from the box a few seconds later, but as Samuel sat up shaking his shoulders to the rhythm and singing along goofily, she couldn’t help but burst into giggles (accompanied by a roll of her eyes of course).

“Okay fine, its pretty nice here actually” she finally gave in, hoping it’d stop him from singing another song, “I hope your hands are more talented than your voice.”

“There’s more than one way to interpret this”, Samuel said as he looked down at the bottle of sun lotion she was handing him.

“Pervert…”, Carla muttered, eyes immediately closing as he began to apply the lotion to her back, the firm strokes of his hands were a blessing to her tensed muscles.

A few minutes later she was about to return the favor, sitting down behind him as an _oh shit_ escaped her mouth.

“What is it?” Samuel bend his neck to look over his shoulder and peak at Carla behind him.

“Uh I…”, Carla hesitated for a second, her fingers grazing the reddened scratches on his shoulder blades, “may have left some marks on you.”

“Really?” Samuel chuckled questioningly.

 _Really_ , he thought as she let him look at the picture she just took with her phone, showing small red scratches all over his shoulder blades, some darker than others.

“I’m sorry” she said, hugging him from behind and placing soft kisses onto the irritated skin, “does it hurt?”

“No, its fine”, Samuel assured her before a thought crossed his mind, “do you think my mom has seen them?”

“Oh god”, Carla hid her face in between his shoulder blades, “I hope not.”

(Neither Samuel nor Carla should ever find out if she had noticed them – she had.)

Though Carla didn’t hide her skepticism throughout the afternoon, for example when she insisted that something in the dark water had touched her foot, or as she stated that it wouldn’t surprise her if someone hid a dead body inside the abandoned lake, or in the moment she realized there weren’t any toilets nearby, they had a good time overall. 

She let out a small yawn as she leaned her head against Samuel’s shoulder, looking out of the bus window. He gave her a peck on her slightly reddened forehead, staying there with his lips and closing his eyes for a second.

“The bus probably smells like seaweed when we get out” Carla mumbled, “and there’s sand between my toes. And grass.”

“So you liked it?”

“Maybe a little bit”, she looked up at Samuel with a content smile, “I’d rather get eaten by a mutated fish inside that shitty lake than to spend one more afternoon on the poolside of a five-star hotel with my parents.”

Samuel snorted at that. “This lake is the place where I spent _my_ family vacation as a kid.”

“You’ve been bathing in that contaminated thing for years? Well, that explains a lot…”

“Heyy”, he softly nudged her into the side, “what is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing”, Carla giggled, kissing his cheek apologetically.

“You’re lucky we’re in public right now.”

For a second, Samuel thought about deepening the topic. _Family. Her parents._ But then he couldn’t bring himself to destroy their playful – and peaceful – atmosphere. And he surely didn’t want to disturb his girlfriend right now, already slumped in her seat next to him with her head leaning on his shoulder and her eyes closed. He placed a light kiss on her nose and smiled to himself as he noticed how her freckles were darker now, caused by the sunlight. He would talk to her later. But he would.

They were greeted by the smell of food and rustling sounds of the cooker hood as they entered the apartment again.

“How was your day at the lake?” Pilar’s head popped around the corner as they were taking their shoes off.

“I really liked the lake”, Carla said, “so quiet, and with no one around all afternoon.”

Pilar nodded in agreement, disappearing into the kitchen again as something on the stove began to sizzle louder than it should.

Samuel immediately pinched Carla in the side as they were unwatched.

“Suddenly you like the lake?” he whispered with a knowing grin, causing Carla to give him a lighthearted slap on the chest.

Of course, she didn’t want to come off as a moody bitch in front of his mom. That side was only reserved for him, though she hoped he knew that her complaints havn’t been meant serious. Not too serious, at least. But bitching about something was far easier than just to admit she actually _liked_ it, so it was her way of showing affection. She was a wreck. But his dumb grins and small smirks gave off that he loved her nonetheless, or maybe even _because of it._

Samuel watched Carla expectantly as his mother carried the big pot to where they were sitting at the table. He already knew what was coming – he’d detect the smell from hundred miles away – but he wasn’t so sure if Carla recognized it as well.

“I thought I’d make you your favorite meal”, Pilar said, placing the pot on the table, “I hope you like Macaroni, Carla? Though there’s not much you can’t like about it – noodles, fresh tomatoes, some herbs.”

“It’s fine”, Carla nodded eagerly, her eyes finding Samuel’s, “I had it before, actually.”

“So that’s what its supposed to taste like”, Carla said after her first bite.

Pilar couldn’t fight the smile forming on her lips as she watched Carla and Samuel exchange teasing looks.

“Samu tends to mess things up with the herbs”, Pilar shrugged, talking to Carla, “though I always tell him to not overdo them.”

“Oh come on, its not that bad when I make it, is it?” he complained funnily, “I’m trying my best, really.”

“I’m sure you do”, Carla placed her hand on top of his in a soothing motion, though she couldn’t help but giggle at how Pilar raised her eyebrows before taking a sip of her beer.

After eating two plates of Macaroni (because Pilar insisted on them having a second portion), Carla and Samuel leaned back in their seats.

“When’s your birthday actually?” Pilar suddenly asked, looking at Carla.

“Mom…” Samuel gave her a warning look.

Carla looked at her boyfriend in confusion, the question seemed pretty normal to her.

“On the 25th of June”, she answered, ignoring Samuel’s melodramatic sigh.

“Interesting…”, Pilar nodded, more to herself than to Carla.

“Why?”

Samuel could curse his girlfriend for her question, tensing up as he braced himself for the unnerving topic that was about to come up. It was worse than embarrassing childhood stories, to be honest.

Pilar looked at her son for confirmation, though she knew she wouldn’t get it. She answered anyways.

“So you’re a cancer.”

Now it dawned Carla. His mother’s esoteric side was something Samuel had only vaguely mentioned before, he wasn’t too keen talking about it. This should be fun.

“Yes, that’s right”, she answered, determined to annoy her boyfriend some more, “and what does that say about me?”

Samuel stood up abruptly, collecting their plates. “I’m gonna do the dishes in the meantime…”

No, Samuel didn’t want to participate in what he and his brother had called _The zodiac-talk_ since their mother brought it up every single time she had the chance to speak to their friends or worse girlfriends.

“Its not that easy to explain, there are many factors and for a precise analyzation we’d need your birth chart and all…” Pilar made a vague gesture with her hands, “but there are some traits that are seen as stereotypical for a cancer.”

Now that was interesting. Carla had never really bothered about her zodiac sign besides reading shitty horoscopes in fashion magazines from time to time, but now that she thought of it (and because she could annoy Samuel, of course), she wanted to know more.

“And what are those stereotypes?”

“Well, cancers have a hard shell and soft insides – the appearance of the animal can be seen as metaphorical for a cancer’s character. Cancerians are very caring, almost motherly, when it comes to their family and friends. And while that is a positive trait most times, the extends to which cancers go in order to protect their loved ones can be…extreme. You don’t want to cross a cancer at their worst, I once even read that they’re the most dangerous zodiac sign of all.”

Carla fiddled with her hands in her lap. Quite fitting, duh?

“Oh god I’m sorry, that sounds so depressing”, Pilar excused herself, “there are many positive things about Cancerians, too. As I said, they’re generally very sweet and caring, want to make everyone feel safe and tend to be very homely. And they like tradition and history as they’re having a hard time with letting go of things. They’re great with children and animals due to their emotional intelligence and sensitiveness. And all the while they’re gentle, means they’re not moving straight forward, rather indirect and sideways – like the animal – which often results in people underestimating them.”

“How’s it going?”, Samuel asked, approaching the table to take the pot into the kitchen, “has my mother already analyzed your psyche with dull phrases she caught up at some shady website?”

Carla chuckled, rolling her eyes as she looked up at him. “Actually I’m shocked at how fitting most things are. Did you know I have a hard shell and soft insides?”

“Yes”, he placed a kiss on top of her head before taking the pot, “and I didn’t need to know your zodiac sign for that.”

“Don’t listen to him, he’s a scorpio” Pilar said as Samuel disappeared into the kitchen again, making them both burst into laughter.

“And does it fit?”, Carla asked after taking a sip of her beer (yes, she was drinking beer and yes, she actually liked it), “cancer and scorpio?”

“It does”, Pilar nodded, more serious again, “very well, even. Both are water signs, leading to a deep emotional connection between them. They can make each other feel at home without big efforts because they have a similar way of expressing their love. And the mysterious and feminine side of the cancer woman is a big turn on for the curious nature of the scorpio.”

Carla smiled, turning around to look at Samuel who was still doing the dishes. Curious was a good way to describe him.

“He really loves you”, Pilar said as Carla turned around again, voice a bit lower now, “he always talked about you on the phone.”

Carla smiled softly, though Pilar saw how her back straightened almost unnoticeably.

“Only good things, of course. And nothing too personal” Pilar made a placating motion with her hands, “though if you ever want to speak from woman to woman, just know you can talk to me, okay? I know Samuel had a hard time dealing with everything happening back in school, and I’m sure you did, too.”

Carla didn’t know what to say, kind and gentle words coming from adults wasn’t something she was exactly used to. She decided to go with a simple _thank you_ , and judging by Pilar’s warm smile her reserved reaction seemed to be okay. (Well, Pilar knew by now that Carla had a hard shell, didn’t she?)

“I can’t believe she gave you this”, Samuel said as he sat down on the edge of the bed, the thick astrology book in his hands, “its her holy grail.”

“She said its worth a look”, Carla shrugged, already snuggled under the covers, “and the things she said are true.”

“Yeah?”, Samuel laid down next to her now. Carla held up the blanket for him to crawl under, “what did she say then?”

“That scorpios have a curious nature and are turned on by the mysterious behavior of cancer women”, Carla said, almost proudly.

Samuel shook his head with a chuckle. “That are basic personality traits, who isn’t curious about mysteries?”

“But you are _extremely_ curious. More than other people.”

“Oh god, you’re already sounding like her”, Samuel let out a sigh, “I don’t know if I can deal with that.”

Carla rolled her eyes funnily before her expression got more serious. “You can be happy to have her. She’s great.”

Samuel nodded, taking a deep breath before speaking up. “What about your parents? Do they know you’re moving back to Madrid?”

Carla immediately tensed up, shaking her head. “No, not yet. But they’ll find out sooner or later. At the latest when I sell my apartment in London or the stupid car they bought me. They still have the contracts.”

“Something happened, right?”

It didn’t surprise Carla that Samuel already knew. His curiosity was driven by the natural talent of combining things logically. Carla decided to not talk around the bush any longer.

“I lied to you. About my birthday. I’m sorry.”

Samuel closed his eyes for a second to gather himself. As he opened them again, he found her sad eyes staring at him. 

“It was a disaster. They were at my place for approximately fifteen minutes until they started their bullshit again. My father found the card you sent me for my birthday and immediately began to lecture me on how I should stay away from you. Of course, I told them my relationship was none of their business and all, but they didn’t even listen. Talked about how they raised me to be an independent woman – its crazy they actually believe to have raised me into anything other than an emotional train wreck.”

As if to underline her words, her lips began to quiver, eyes filling up with tears.

“Hey…” Samuel spoke softly, stroking her cheek with his thumb, “you’re not a train wreck. You _are_ an independent woman. But you became it by yourself, which you can be even more proud of.”

Carla really wanted to believe him, though the look in her eyes gave away she didn’t. 

“Anyways, their visit prematurely ended after I told them that I had been on drugs again and had slept with three quarter of London during my first ten months there, well, until I met you again. And surprise – they weren’t so amused about that. My mother told me that all I ever do is disappoint them and my father did nothing other than to watch and melodramatically tell me he loves me no matter what before leaving. But if he _really_ loved me, he wouldn’t have left, would he?”

Her voice was so small and broken it absolutely crushed Samuel. He felt hot anger arise in his insides. Being a shitty parent was one thing, but always having your child hoping and lingering for love by spreading meaningless breadcrumbs of affection was another form of cruelty. They could at least admit they were shitty and leave her the fuck alone if they had no serious intentions of helping her.

“You don’t deserve this”, Samuel spoke quietly, taking her into his arms as tears began to roll down her cheeks, “I’m so sorry.”  
“Its not your fault”, Carla spoke with a raspy voice, “Its mine. I should’ve known this wouldn’t end well. I accept it now. That I don’t have a family anymore.”

Samuel squeezed his eyes at her words. Her pain was so vibrant he felt tears build up in his own eyes, too.

“But you have me now”, he whispered, gently bringing up her chin with his hand so that she looked at him, “and my mom already loves you, too. Concerning my brother, it’s a bit more tricky”, he smiled through his tears, “but he said that I at least can have a good life with all your money.”

Carla chuckled, her and Nano would probably never be best friends. But he was far away after all, so it shouldn’t be that much of a problem.

“And some day you’ll have a family of your own”, Samuel resumed talking, “and you’ll be a thousand times better in being a parent.”

Carla’s sobs came to a halt at the wholesome thought before she wrinkled her forehead. “I don’t think I’m capable of being a good mother. I never had a role model after all.”

“But aren’t you caring and _motherly_ as a cancer?” Samuel wiped her tears away with an exhausted but teasing smile, “and you shouldn’t waste those precious genes of yours.”

“You’re so dumb”, Carla laughed weakly before leaning in for a salty kiss, “I love you.”

“I love you, too”, Samuel mumbled against her lips, “and everything will be okay. _You’ll_ be okay. Fuck your parents, really. I’ll be there for you. Always.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hope this doesn't surprise you all too much, but as you may have noticed Samuel and Carla are finally reunited and happy and in love, which means that their story is ending here. But since I'm not that cruel (and lets be honest I can't let go of this fic yet lol), I'll write one more chapter about their happy and fluffy ever after - but then it really has to end. I already want to thank you for all your support and sweet comments, you kept me going for exactly three months + one day (or 99386 words) now! I never planned making this fic so long, but apparently I tend to escalate sometimes, so yeah. 
> 
> Concerning the chapter's content: I discovered that Carla acting like a princess and Samuel loving her for it basically is my kink now (I definitely have to write about this again!!) + don't feel offended by my basic zodiac knowledge (I know you have to consider basically every planet in our solar system + have all these houses, ascendents, rising signs and so on but I thought it would be a fun topic so I wanted to write about it; their zodiac signs are based on the birth dates I found on Elite wiki. I'm a cancer woman too btw - 23 June yay - and all these things are nothing but true!!! hahaha)


	39. Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final chapter, here we go! Have fun reading! :)

_I'm in love with an uptown girl  
You know I've seen her in her uptown world  
She's getting tired of her high-class toys  
And all the presents from her uptown boys  
She's got a choice_

_Uptown Girl – Billy Joel (annoying earworm incoming #sorrynotsorry)_

_Thursday, 7 th April, 19.21_

_I’ll be there for you. Always._

That was what Samuel had promised her last year, and until now, he hadn’t broken his promise. Not that Carla expected him to break it, though. Samuel was one to hold on to promises, he took them seriously. It made her feel secure, and she was sure that offering each other security was actually the only way for them to make it work. In a world of insecurities and constant changes occurring with dizzying speed, Samuel was the one to remind her to _breathe_.

It was what he told her when she prepared for tough business meetings (she got involved into managing the wineries much more since she was back), when the upcoming exams stressed her out, or that one time she came back home absolutely diffused after she accidentally ran into her parents as she was at a restaurant with Valerio. _Carla, breathe._

\--

She’d been sure they’d seen the appointment in Valerio’s calendar or laptop and then decided to show up at the restaurant absolutely _at random_. Carla’s first instinct was to just get up and run, but as she registered Valerio’s features hardening from the corner of her eye and reminded herself that he was on _her_ side, she turned up to look them dead in the eye.

“What a nice surprise”, she’d said. Her tongue nearly got stuck with the words because of how poisoned they felt. “My lovely parents.”

“Carla…” her father had said in his usual tone, deep and scolding.

“You look good”, her mother then spoke, fiddling with the straps of her purse, “the color suits you. It underlines your eyes.”

Her nervousness was blatantly obvious. Making comments about her outfit after not speaking to her for months wasn’t appropriate, but it was also _her_. She tried to sound casual – and failed miserably. That was when Carla felt the slightest hint of superiority. It wasn’t much, but it was enough for her to not break the stare and answer. She was calm and collected, her words neutral now.

“Thank you. But you’ll need to excuse me for now. Valerio and I have something to discuss and would like to do it in private. Besides, I see that our food is coming”, she looked at the waitress coming to their table with two plates in her hands, “if you have anything important to talk about I’d like you to contact Valerio.”

Her parents stared at her in disbelief, a bit startled by her reaction. Valerio nodded, confirming her words. And as the waitress was at the table, asking them to make room so she could put the plates down, they simply turned around and left without saying another word. Her father had his hand on the small of her mother’s back, guiding her outside the restaurant, and at the way she held up her hand before her mouth Carla could tell she was crying. How pathetic. If anyone had the right to cry, it was her. But she didn’t. Valerio gave her a reassuring smile and a little thumbs up which made her chuckle and luckily eased up the lump in her throat. He actually seemed to understand her. Maybe that was one of the reasons they got along so well, mutual parental issues. The first thing they discussed as they began eating was how they’d buy a small apartment to use as an office, and it was safe to say Valerio was relieved to finally get out of the madhouse she’d called home for most of her life.

\--

All that had happened about four months ago. Right now, Carla let out a small sigh of relief as she let go of the steering wheel. She was home, finally. After a long day of university and a side trip to visit Valerio in their office she was happy to be home now. She opened the door of her Audi (yes, still a fancy car, but no Ferrari) and stepped out onto the sidewalk. Unless the chirping of birds and the distant sound of children playing somewhere it was quiet. Mostly because she’d picked a neighborhood that wasn’t right in the middle of Madrid. Though the quarter wasn’t _exactly cool_ as Rebeca had told her during her first visit, Carla liked it here. She needed her space. And the ground floor apartment plus her small garden was just what she’d searched for. Not too much, but still sufficient for her needs.

As she opened the door to her apartment, it wasn’t so quiet anymore. It was the opposite of quiet, actually. Loud music was blaring from one of the rooms, probably the kitchen. She shook her head with a smile as she got rid of her shoes and jacket, and just as she was about to put on her slippers, she was stopped in her motion by a bundle of fur brushing her calves with a purr. Carla leaned down to greet the cat.

“Hey Kitty”, she spoke softly, scratching the cat’s soft head (her real name was _Ella,_ but Carla preferred to call her _Kitty_ ), “everything alright?”

Carla let out a chuckle at the way Ella looked at her with her big eyes as if to say: _I’m so glad you’re back. Help me to get out of here._

“It’s okay, I’m here now” she muttered, amused by how human-like Ella’s expression was. (And no, Carla didn’t overinterpret the emotions of her cat, thanks for asking!)

She got up and began to move towards the source of noise. As she’d already thought, it was the kitchen. Carla stopped dead in her tracks as she finally entered the room. Until now, she’d thought that Valerio’s desk was the most chaotic place she’d ever seen. But obviously, her kitchen was beating Val’s desk on the ranking now.

There were things _everywhere._ Pots, pans, plates, knives, cutting boards, various kind of foods – and in the middle of it all was Samuel. He roamed around hastily, cheeks red and obviously stressed. But that didn’t stop him from crookedly singing along to the song that was blaring out of the radio, and Carla contemplated for a second if she should just leave and come back in thirty minutes again – hopefully to a halfway cleaned kitchen and a halfway eatable meal. Her contemplation took too long in the end, a big smile broke over Samuel’s face as he spotted her from behind the kitchen isle, now walk-dancing towards her while still singing along.

If Carla could’ve seen herself in that moment, she would’ve realized that she had the exact same look on her face as Ella had a minute ago. But in comparison to the animal, Carla couldn’t hide away in a cat tree, therefore helplessly exposed to the boy that took her hands in his now and dragged her over the tiles in an attempt to dance.

"I won't dance with you as long as you're singing this bad", she tried to talk herself out which only caused Samuel to sing even louder.

“Uptown girl, you know I can't afford to buy her pearls…”, Carla rolled her eyes but began to swing along nonetheless, and Samuel's face broke into a big smile as she matched his goofy tone on the next verse, “…but maybe someday when my ship comes ii-in, she'll understand what kind of guy I've beeeen, and then I'll win!“

Carla tried really hard not to laugh, but she failed miserably. If there was a sound defining the word happiness, it would be the ring of laughter that left her mouth in the moment Samuel picked her up to spin her around. It was loud and bubbly and silly, and Carla was soon out of breath as she held onto him and hid her face in his neck.

„You’re home early“, Samuel stated, slowly letting her back to the floor after the song had ended.

„I wish I wasn’t“, Carla shook her head and looked over his shoulder, though she was more delighted than a minute ago.

„It’ll be worth it, I promise“, Samuel smiled at her and leaned in to give her a quick peck on the lips.

„You’re lucky you’re cute“, Carla said, doing her best to look sulky when in reality the corners of her mouth were tugging upwards at how eager he looked.

“It’s ready!”, Samuel called out of the living room. Carla stood up from where she’d been lying on her bed as she waited for dinner to be ready, excited about what he’d prepared. The smell of food was mixing with a light tone of vanilla as she entered the living room that was lit up with scented candles, creating the most beautiful atmosphere.

And while Carla was slowly walking towards the table that was already set up with plates and more candles and a bouquet of flowers, Samuel stopped in his tracks to just watch her.

“What?” she asked innocently, although she knew it was the classic little black dress she wore now that was distracting him so much, “do you think I’ve forgotten our anniversary?”

Samuel chuckled and let out a nervous breath. _How was he supposed to sit opposite her to eat with her looking like that?_

He pulled himself together eventually, grabbing the food and walking over to the table to place the big plate in the middle.

_“Sushi?”_

Carla was surprised in the nicest way possible. She knew Samuel wasn’t the most exotic eater and could be pretty clumsy as well, so Sushi was kind of the last food she’d expected him to prepare.

“Yep”, Samuel walked around the table to sit down, “originally I wanted to recreate the _Sex and the city-_ scene but I was afraid that the cat would discover me before you so I hope a plate is okay, too.”

Carla burst into a short laughter at the image, the nonsense leaving his mouth clearly a consequence of stress and nervousness.

But it turned out he had not reason to be nervous, the food was actually great, and Carla couldn’t get enough of the small tasty rolls.

“I have some more”, Samuel gestured to the kitchen as the plate was empty, “but those are accidents, so I thought I’d leave them for Ella.”

The fact that Carla just nodded and didn’t argue about Samuel wanting to give their cat the remaining Sushi was perfectly underlining what Guzmán had told them before, namely that Ella was probably the most spoiled animal in the world.

Maybe it was true, but they both thought she deserved to be spoiled. She was a sweetheart. Well, not all the time, but most of the time. Or let’s say it like this: not too long ago, things between Ella and Carla and Samuel weren’t going too well.

\--

“Did she scratch you again?”, Samuel had asked Carla who stood in the kitchen, holding a piece of kitchen paper onto her forearm.  
“I just wanted to clean her paws”, Carla had shrugged in frustration, “she was all dirty and wet and I was really careful with the towel…”

It was a rainy day in November, and it was safe to say neither Carla nor Samuel wanted paw prints all over their apartment. But they didn’t want to lock Ella in, either, so they’d agreed on cleaning her when she came back inside from roaming the garden, which wasn’t working all too well.

“I really don’t know what to do anymore”, Carla went on, annoyance mixing with sadness, “she’s been with us for nearly two months now and she still won’t let us touch her. She needs to be brushed, too.”

She turned around to throw the kitchen paper away, now crossing her arms in front of her chest as she stared out the window. “Cats with long fur need to be brushed regularly or else the fur will mat.”

Samuel rubbed the small of her back as he registered the quiver in her voice.

“Do you want a cat with matted fur, Samuel? A cat that leaves dirt all over our apartment?”

She stared at him with teary eyes. But Samuel knew this wasn’t just about Ella's fur or the dirt she left.

“We feed her every day”, Carla went on, “give her a secure home. We don’t leave her alone for more than a few hours. I just don’t get why she’s being such a bitch all the time.”

“I know”, Samuel spoke softly, “but maybe she’s scared.”

“Of what? There’s nothing to be scared of.”

Samuel exhaled deeply. “Look, the vet told us she’s still pretty young, not more than a year old. And she’s been at the restaurant for months until we caught her. We don’t know what happened before or why she was even out there all alone. Maybe someone abandoned her or even abused her…” he trailed off as Carla shifted in her place, looking at her feet.

“What I want to say is that maybe she needs more time. She isn’t used to all this, she’s probably overstrained with someone actually caring for her.”

“That doesn’t make sense”, Carla muttered in defeat, not wanting to give in. It had been _her_ who’d read all the books about cat training, not him.

“I know you’re trying really hard, but just give her some space. She’ll come to you when she’s ready, and until then you can do nothing but assure her that you’re there.”

Carla scoffed. “And what makes you so sure that this will work?”

She couldn’t quite decipher the look on Samuel’s face, knowing but sympathetic at the same time. “Trust me, it does.”

Samuel didn’t know if Carla believed him at first. It was about a week later as he discovered that she did, in fact. It was more of a coincidence, though. Samuel was on his way to the kitchen to get another cup of coffee, needing something to keep him from falling asleep over his law books, as he stopped his movement at the sound of Carla’s voice. It came out of the kitchen, and with the way Ella’s bowl clattered he knew Carla had fed her. But this time, Carla didn’t leave the room to let her eat in peace. Though the door was opened just a crack, Samuel could spot her sitting on the floor next to Ella with her back leaned against the wall.

“I’m sorry that I tried to brush you so often”, Carla muttered, “I’d probably bite too if someone randomly wanted to brush my hair.”

After a few seconds of silence, the only sound being Ella evenly munching her food, she went on with a quiet voice.

“But I just want to care for you. I don’t do it to annoy you, and I certainly don’t do it to scare you…It must’ve been hard to be alone for so long, not knowing where to go or what to do…”, she breathed in deeply, leaning the back of her head against the wall, “I know what it feels like, too. And I know you don’t want to hurt anyone. You just want to be loved, don’t you?”

It was completely silent now, Ella had finished her meal apparently.

Samuel didn’t dare to breathe as he stood in the hallway, frozen in place. Though he wanted nothing more than to sit down with Carla and wrap her into a hug, he knew he shouldn’t disturb their precious moment. It was kind of heartbreaking, but it was wholesome, too. He turned around on tip toes, sneaking back into the room where they’d placed two desks and some bookshelves to work in and sat down again. The coffee could wait.

And then it happened really fast. Two days later, as Samuel came home from uni pretty late, he found Carla asleep on the couch in front of the TV, cuddled into a blanket. It was safe to say he couldn’t believe his eyes as he saw Ella rolled up next to her, sleeping peacefully as soft purrs left her small muzzle every now and then. He immediately took a picture as some sort of proof, just in case the cat had only cuddled up next to Carla as she’d been already asleep, but before he could leave them alone again, Ella woke up. And the look she had on her small face said nothing but _leave us alone, she’s mine now._

From this day on, nothing could get between these two. They were a heart and a soul, and if Samuel didn’t know any better, he would’ve been a bit jealous of Ella. But he knew better, he knew he shouldn’t be jealous of a fucking _cat_ , so he just let them be. And nothing could beat at how proud Carla was as she could finally pet Ella on a regular base, a bright smile on her lips every time she touched the cat’s soft fur.

\--

„Carla?“ Samuel asked with a serious voice. They were cuddled up on the couch now, digesting the meal of Sushi and sipping on a glass of wine each.

She craned her neck to look at him. “Hm?”

“I have one last question.”

Carla nodded ever so slightly, signaling him to go on.

Samuel studied her curious face for a second. “Do you really think I can’t sing?”

She nudged him into his side then, a soft laugh leaving her lips as she shook her head.

“No. I’m sorry, but no.”

Samuel fake-gasped at that. “Oh come on, not even in an alternate universe or something?”

The room fell silent for a moment as Carla pretended to think about it.

“Well maybe, if the universe is very, very far away –“, her sentence was interrupted by an high-pitched squeal leaving her mouth as Samuel began to tickle her ribs. It was impossible for her to end the sentence in between breaths of laughter as she tried to get away from him, and soon he had her pinned down on the couch, holding her wrists down to stare at her challengingly. Carla knew she’d regret her next words, yet she couldn’t help but say them.

“If the universe is very, very far away _and_ everyone on the planet is deaf – then _maybe_ yes.”

Samuel had his hands on her ribs again in no time, making her squirm and giggle underneath him. God, how he loved that sound, her girly giggles. He’d never get enough of them. Of course she tried to fight him, but her attempts to tickle him back weren’t successful, her hands uncoordinated because of how she uncontrollably squirmed and squeezed her eyes shut with laughter. Eventually Samuel seemed to have mercy with her, and as Carla carefully opened her eyes, not fully trusting the truce, she found him staring right back at her.

Her brows furrowed at how stern he looked now, not a trace of amusement on his face anymore. Just as she opened her mouth to ask him what was going on, his lips came crushing down on her, kissing her with so much need all of the air was sucked out of her lungs. By the time he let go again they were both completely out of breath, gasping for air. Samuel’s head was dizzy with love and the lack of oxygen as he studied his girlfriend’s face, her porcelain skin decorated with pale freckles, dark green eyes staring back at him from underneath long, black lashes and her mouth swollen and red in the nicest way possible. He licked his lips before leaning down again to kiss her just as needy and desperate as before.

“I never want to stop this”, he muttered against her lips.

Carla wasn’t sure if he talked about the kissing or being with her in general, but she agreed with him on both terms anyway, so she just nodded, brushing her lips against his.

“Me neither”, she whispered, ejecting hot breaths against his skin before nudging his nose with hers, “because at least you can’t sing when we’re doing this.”

\--

Little did they know that twelve years later, they’d sit on the exact same couch on the 7th of April, but this time they weren’t surrounded by scented candles. No, the room was rather uncomfortable with moving boxes stacked all around them. And the cat tree was empty. Not because Ella was dead, no, she was vital as ever. She just refused to get out of her favorite moving box, and Carla and Samuel had already joked at how they’d probably have to replace the cat tree with the ugly cardboard box in their new living room.

But Carla wasn’t in the mood for jokes right now. Her heavy sigh showed just how exhausted she was.

“I can’t do this anymore”, she whispered, “everything hurts.”

Samuel squeezed her hand reassuringly. “Come here”, he then said, wrapping his arms around her while giving her a kiss on the forehead.

“I just want to eat Sushi again”, she went on, her voice as whiny as ever, “or at least have a glass of wine. This is all so fucking stupid.”

Samuel chuckled softly, his hand finding the place he couldn’t prevent from touching lately. “We’ll have Sushi next year, okay? I promise.”

Carla hummed in approval, placing her hand on top of his on her swollen belly, “okay.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So guys, its done! I don't quite know how to feel about it, I'm relieved on one hand but it also feels weird to finish the project I've been working on for months. I want to thank you again for keeping up with this story for so long and all your kind words, they really kept me going for the past months and I enjoy talking to you in the comments so much! So thank you, thank you, thank you!!! :) <3 
> 
> I already have a new idea but I can't make any promises about when I'll start writing it, I'll probably take a short break before. I hope you're doing good until then.
> 
> Love, Sophie :)


End file.
